Trick-or-treat

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RRIIINNNGGG!

The school bell rang and the children ran out the blue double doors of Franklin Middle School. Stephen Hickernell was one of them. He scampered out of the eighth grade hallway and onto his bus. He quickly sat down in his normal seat and bounced around. Today was Halloween. He always loved this holiday. It has ghouls and ghosts and free candy!

“Hi there, Stephen!” Stephen’s best friend Billy said while sitting down next to him.

“Hi, Billy. Hey, what are you going to dress up as for Halloween this year?” Stephen replied.

Billy winced. “I don’t know if we’re going trick-or-treating this year.”

“But we always do! Every year.”

“Yeah, but this year we’re teenagers.”

“Well I don’t care!” Stephen said while pouting.

The bus started moving.

“All of the kids in our grade will be staying home handing out candy and they’ll laugh at us.” Billy said.

“Who cares? It’s free candy! Think about it, an entire bag of chocolate, sugar, and sweets. We can stay up all night eating it and then you can sleep over at my house.” Stephen said rubbing his hands together. He had found Billy’s weakness.

The bus stopped and Billy got up and walked toward the door.

“Oh, okay!” he shouted back.

That night Stephen put on his cowboy outfit. He walked out of his suburban home and into the chilly Halloween air. His older sister Lauren was already outside with a flashlight and three coats on. She actually looked pretty silly.

“I can’t believe Mom is making me take you trick-or-treating.” She said while shivering.

“I know, me too.” Stephen whined. “I can go by myself.”

“Well let’s get this over with,” Lauren said.

They both walked down the curving sidewalk and finally got to Billy’s house. The surrounding oak trees swayed in the breeze and the leaves rustled. Stephen walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. Billy rushed out the door and almost knocked him over. Billy surprisingly wasn’t wearing a costume. He was just wearing what he had on that day for school.

“Where’s your costume?” Stephen asked right away.

“Hey, I’m just doing this because you made me… and for the candy.”

The three teenagers strolled through the streets getting candy at every house. They would say “Trick-or-treat!” then “Thank you!” over and over again. The cycle was quickly over when they came by a small two-story house with light pink shingles and door. The two boys slowly walked up to the house while Lauren stayed behind on the sidewalk. Stephen looked up at the circular windows covering the house. They stopped at the front door.

“This house wasn’t here yesterday,” Billy said starting to turn as white as a ghost.

“It must be a Halloween trick of some kind.” Stephen guessed.

“Yeah!” Billy said outstretching his shaking hand to the doorbell.

The bell gave off a loud DING DONG. The boys just stood there waiting for someone to answer. Nobody came for about a minute.

“Oh, okay! I guess we’ll have to leave,” suggested Billy.

The two started walking away both happy and sad at the same time. Suddenly the door swung open and they jumped. There was a little old lady wearing a white dress and pink sweater. She had light brown hair spread across her well-postured shoulders. She looked just like her house.

“Hello there dearies,” she said in a croaking voice. “Would you like some candy?”

With that the boys took two lollipops that the woman was holding out in a firm hand. They were wrapped in green and purple paper and had a bright orange stick. The wrapper didn’t even have a logo of a candy company on it. Stephen didn’t really think anything of it and plopped it in his bag. Without a word they both walked away down the neat walkway and into the night.

“Trick-or-treat!” the old witch cackled to herself.

By the time Stephen and Billy were done walking around the neighborhood Stephen noticed that there was a big gaping hole in his candy bag.

“Oh man!” he whined. “All my candy is gone!”

“You can go back and get it all,” said Lauren.

“No. It’s no use!” cried Stephen.

Billy tossed him some chocolate. “Here, you can have some of mine.”

“Thanks, Billy.”

Stephen threw the candy into his mouth and Billy got out the lollipop that came from that strange house. He happily popped it threw his lips and started sucking. Stephen looked up at the rustling leaves above him and noticed the bright moon peaking out from a thick cloud.

“Hey Billy, look at the- huh!” Stephen gasped as Billy fell to the ground.

His candy spilled everywhere and he groaned in pain.

“Are you all right?” Lauren and Stephen asked at the same time.

Billy rolled over the ground and spit his lollipop out of his mouth. Billy’s teeth were surprisingly long and sharp. Then Stephen noticed that Billy’s face was becoming covered in hair. Billy kicked off his shoes and he didn’t have feet! He had paws like a tiger and claws even bigger than a tiger’s. Lauren shrieked and Stephen looked around for help. Across the street there was a little girl in a fairy costume and a boy in a Superman outfit. The same thing was happening to them too. Stephen looked back down at Billy. He had the face of a monkey, the arms and talons of an eagle’s leg, the tail of a crocodile, legs of a tiger, and the mighty teeth of a monster. Billy had turned into some type of beast.
Stephen and Lauren backed away from him slowly. Billy roared like lion and started running toward them. They turned around and ran. They turned around sharp corners and ran across streets. The monster was still right behind them.

“This way!” Stephen shouted and led Lauren through someone’s lawn.

They jumped over toys and lawn ornaments. They finally came out onto a street and ran even harder.

Stephen looked back and now Billy was joined with more monsters like him.

“Quick, into the cemetery!” Lauren shouted.

Billy followed her and went through the cemetery gate. Lauren slammed it shut and held it there.

“Come on, Lauren. Let’s go!” whispered Stephen.

“My hand is… stuck!” Lauren shrieked.

She shook the gate but her hand was still stuck in the metal bars.

“Well, I think we got rid of those things,” Lauren said.

Stephen hadn’t noticed it before, the monsters were gone. The cemetery was surrounded by the gate which was surrounded by trees. They were probably safe here. Suddenly Billy jumped out and gave another roar. He was joined by his buddies and they attacked Lauren. She shrieked and tried to release her hand. It was no use. The monsters reached their hands through the gate and scratched at Lauren. They finally got through her multiple levels of coats and blood was instantly everywhere. Stephen could only stand there in horror. Lauren’s body finally fell to the ground and stopped moving.

Surprisingly she started writhing around on the ground and started transforming into the same monster as Billy. Her wounds were completely healed and she roared even louder than Billy had. The monsters burst through the gate and glared at Stephen. He quickly grabbed Lauren’s flashlight and then ran into the maze of tombstones. He fumbled with the flashlight and it finally turned on. He could see row upon row of graves but they weren’t big enough to hide behind. Then he saw a large tombstone that rose up into a tall cross. He dove behind it and turned off the flashlight.

All he could hear was the rustling of leaves. Then he heard the loud stomping of the monsters running. The sound stopped and then turned into the soft scuffle of them searching the tombstones. One of them gave a loud roar and then no more sound. The horrible beasts must have given up. Stephen sighed. All of a sudden the monster that used to be Billy turned his ugly head around the tombstone and lunged at Stephen. He jumped up and grabbed the cross above him. He heaved himself onto it and threw the flashlight onto Billy’s head. He roared and jumped up at Stephen. He missed just by a couple inches and fell back to the ground. Stephen clutched the top of the cross and screamed. The beast pushed up against the tombstone and it fell.

Stephen crashed into the wet grass and cried out again. Billy flung the cross off of Stephen like it was a tennis ball. He leaned down toward Stephen and bared his humongous fangs. The small boy under him closed his eyes and hoped for anything better than this. He opened his eyes back up and saw a humongous set of talons swooping down at his face.
Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person.




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“Hi, Billy. Hey, what are you going to dress up as for Halloween this year?” Stephen replied.

Since it's already implied who's talking by the preceding sentences, it's unnecessary for you to say "Stephen replied".
The bus started moving.

You're telling me what's happening here instead of showing me. Maybe you could say that the bus driver closed the door, the engine roared to life, he could feel the bus rumbling, etc. It's all about making us feel like we're there, and just saying the bus started won't cut it.
“Who cares? It’s free candy! Think about it, an entire bag of chocolate, sugar, and sweets. We can stay up all night eating it and then you can sleep over at my house.” Stephen said rubbing his hands together. He had found Billy’s weakness.

Like a few tips of mine before, you shouldn't need the "Stephen said..." part. If you must have it, then don't put it after such a long dialogue. Instead put it like this. "Who cares? It's free candy!" Stephen said, rubbing his hands together. "Think about it..."
It just works better.
He had paws like a tiger and claws even bigger than a tiger’s.

This would work better if you didn't use the tiger as a description twice. Just somehow say his claws were long.

Overall this was pretty good. You could have done more to show me things instead of telling me, but it was still enjoyable. Keep it up.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens.




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Um OK.
seeing as you comment on my stories i thought i would comment on yours!
this could be a good piece of writing, but you use certain words too much and you have a few grammer mistakes.
You say surprisingly and humongous too much, sometimes in the same sentence.

' Lauren’s body finally fell to the ground and stopped moving.

Surprisingly she started writhing around on the ground and started transforming'

Don't put surprisingly here; put something like suddenly or then.
Also, you said that she stopped moving, but then you go on to say that she starts writhing about? That can get a bit confusing.

You starts a lot of sentences with 'he', 'she' or 'they'. Try and add more connecting words so that the story doesn't seem so stop/start.

'Billy said starting to turn as white as a ghost. '

I don't think he would turn as white as a ghost just because of a new house. Maybe put that he looks confused or puzzled.

'“Well I don’t care!” Stephen said while pouting. '
Don't write while. It could sound better like '-Stephen said, pouting.'



'“Hi there, Stephen!” Stephen’s best friend Billy said while sitting down next to him.'
.
Try writing
'-Stephen's best friend Billy said. Billy sat down next to him.'
or
'-Stephen's best friend Billy said, sitting down next to him.'

There were a couple of other mistakes, so I would suggest reading through your story once you've completed it. Read it outloud, so you can here what it sounds like. That always helps me.
good luck
The pupil who is never required to do what he cannot do never does what he can do.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them as much.




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:smt045
It has ghouls and ghosts and free candy!


Had would be better.

“Hi, Billy. Hey, what are you going to dress up as for Halloween this year?” Stephen replied.


It should be Stephen asked.

He could see row upon row of graves but they weren’t big enough to hide behind.


missing a coma after the "but"

Ok, that's all I could find. Great Halloween story! You ended it pretty well too.

:D




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I won't be too meticulous, but you weren't very descriptive. You skipped a lot of information I would have liked to know... The ending was utterly dissapointing. I mean, I love an unhappy ending as much as the next author, but you could have at least mentioned the transformation, and how he began to lose conciousness slowly....

Well, good luck!
There are only two keys to a good life: the key to happiness, and the key to the house

-Marie Wingbane




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RRIIINNNGGG!


Onomatopoeia looks amateurish--shy away from it, whenever possible.

The bus started moving.


This is nitpicky, but I'd recommend saying something about the bus driver making the bus move--it gives some atmosphere to the scene, and doesn't dehumanize your minor characters. Also, the time between the bus starting away from the school and the time it drops off Billy seems very, very short--add some more dialog, or some transition sentences to lengthen the perceived passage of time.

The bell gave off a loud DING DONG.


Onomatopoeia again.

“My hand is… stuck!” Lauren shrieked.

She shook the gate but her hand was still stuck in the metal bars.


The likelihood of her hand getting stuck in the gate is very small--she would just turn her hand so it was flat and pull it through. Find a different means of trapping her there ^_^

Interesting ending! I anticipated the typical "It was a dream" or "It was a prank" ending, but you didn't go there. I'm impressed! ^_^ Nicely written--relatively believable dialog and actions along with likable characters make for an interesting read. If you have any questions or comments on my reviews, PM me.

--D
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Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.



In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.
— Albus Dumbledore