Who's This?#1

www.orkut.com
Xdpyfd@yahoo.com
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Ahhh!!! This Net is again too slow.Snail is better. I must switch on to another service provider. Don't know what they cost for in the name of 256 Kbps. After waiting and thinking of everything that I can think my wandering mind came to halt with the view of "Celestial theme" of my homepage. Planets, galaxy, and black holes everything is so fascinating and mysterious just like me.
Is there Life on another Planet?
Are there alien's outs there?
But why I'm so bothered? The thing which should bother me is "Global Warming" After its entire My Home planet. Finally took a deep sigh of relieve getting glimpse of profile Long time!." Supernova" display isn’t not that bad..!!!


321 Scraps; 20 Photos; 15 Videos; 3 Fans

Recalled last time was around 290. Had enough reply this time. Think I'm sure use through orkut. Now I feel Like Member. But still need more friends in List.

To find friends currently online clicked on the very first display pic captioned "Blue Attitude Gal". Because that's the one who's suppose to got online lastly.
(As friends get online their names start to swap in front of friend list)
So Most probably Blue Attitude Online.

Continued checking her scrapbook to read recent conversation if she was online. But the last message received was hour ago. Shit!!! Lady Luck isn't on my side. So what I'm supposed to do?
Get Bore...????
This thought scares me because bore get only those who are bore.
Decided to leave her scrap

Hey Blue gal... Say me sorry...
This is cheating...
Why you leaved hour Ago..
You were suppose to wait for me..
I'm Online Now..

This is big disadvantage when you have friend list limited to small number. Either fix your time before or get bore.
But bore get only those who are bore.
And continued clicking "homepage" icon on the top most corner of page.


Again,

321 Scraps; 20 Photos; 15 Videos; 3 Fans

I'm sure there are replies from all those anonymous people whom I've send friend request. But what else was I suppose to do? That was only way to increase number of friends to kick away boredom. Let's check out new entries.

Started to drag Cursor towards scrapbook hyperlink and at this moment my eyes stopped on that thing which i must have not seen

"ZIPPO"

My eyes caught on the stylish name in my visitors list. This visitor list randomly selects the name of person who seeks your profile and suddenly made me realized that this was 4th time his footprints in my profile. I dint understood the reason .But did smell something suspicious. So decided to teach him lesson and clicked on his name. Unfortunately I forgot to put him in the ignore list this was the second mistake and scrapped him. Even god forgives second mistake

Who the hell are you????
Why you always keep snooping here?
What's so fishy?????
Don't want to see you name here again...
Otherwise ...

Ahem. Okay...
First off, welcome to YWS!
Now to your story. I found it confusing, I wasn't sure what the main character was doing for a start, and it only became vaguely clear as it continued. They were surfing a social networking site, right? Then make that clear. Not all readers use the web in this way, and wouldn't understand this at all.

Ahhh!!! This Net is again too slow.Snail is better. I must switch on to another service provider.

Okay, for a start- avoid multiple exclamation marks. They actually lose their effectiveness, and make a sentence go from an impact sentence to unprofessional and informal.

Also, I find the flow of the first paragraph is hard to read. Try reading it aloud, and where you naturally pause, add a comma, and when you finish an idea, put a full stop. This is what I do with my own work.
I also advise against starting with a word like 'ahh'. It's a noise, an exclamation, and isn't terribly effective as a starter. It gives no real information.

For example-
I grunted with annoyance. The net is so slow again that a snail would beat it in a race without breaking a sweat. I will have to switch to another service provider, but I can't remember the rates that the other companies charge. As I rack my brain my mind starts to wander, halting on my homepage. It shows planets, a whole galaxy, black holes. All mysterious, just like me.

Are there alien's outs there?

Aliens.
As I have told many writers on this site before, apostrophes have their time and place.
1) They are used show ownership, such as in "The dog's ball was lost." The noun that the subject is owned by gets an apostrophe before the "s". This also applies to "it", "it is= it's"
In the case that the noun ends with an "s" already, you put the apostrophe after the "s". Eg: "The kids' toys." this indicates that there is more then one kid, and they own the toys.

2)They are also used to show missing letters in a shortened word- such as "there is" being shortened to "there's"
The only exception for this last rule is when the noun is replaced with 'it'. If the sentence was "Its ball was lost" Then it is just that, no apostrophe is needed.

But why I'm so bothered? The thing which should bother me is "Global Warming" After its entire My Home planet. Finally took a deep sigh of relieve getting glimpse of profile Long time!." Supernova" display isn’t not that bad..!!!

Okay, this is rather awkward. Your grammar isn't great and the sentence structure is strange.
-"I'm" should be "am I". "I'm" substitutes "I am" not "am I".
-"The thing which should bother me is" should either be "The thing that should bother me" or "the thing which should be bothering me"
-"After its entire My Home planet"- huh? do you mean "After all, it's entirely my home planet?" Even then, I would get rid of the "entire". That suggests that you are the only one who owns it.
-"Finally took a deep sigh of relieve getting glimpse of profile Long time!." ....um, what? this is confusing, the structure and the content. For a start, a "!" does the job of a full stop as well as adding exclamation, so you don't need the fullstop at the end. What does the "Long time!" mean? it doesn't fit. Relieve should be relief.
-" Supernova" display isn’t not that bad..!!!"
Take away the 'not', as 'isn't' is short for 'is not'. Effectively, you have 'Is not not'.

Recalled last time was around 290. Had enough reply this time. Think I'm sure use through orkut. Now I feel Like Member. But still need more friends in List.

What was around 290? I had to pause and think about this. You want your writer concentrating on the story, not stopping and focusing on details and trying to decide what you mean.
Reply should be replies. Had should be have, since you are working in present tense.
"Think I'm sure use Orkut"? I can't figure this one out. "Like" should be "like". Put an "I" in between "But" and "still".

To find friends currently online clicked on the very first display pic captioned "Blue Attitude Gal". Because that's the one who's suppose to got online lastly.

Okay, this sounds like a sentence from a manual. "To find..." is a common start for an instruction.
Try rearranging-
"I clicked on the display pic at the top of the list, captioned "Blue Attitude Gal", to see if she was online. She is supposed to meet me here today."

(As friends get online their names start to swap in front of friend list)
So Most probably Blue Attitude Online.

The bit in brackets reminds me of an observation in a RPG game. Not so good. I would suggest you get rid of that phrase and rephrase this bit like this:
Her name was at the top of my list of friends, which is in order of their last log in time, so it was likely she was on.

So what I'm supposed to do?
Get Bore...????
This thought scares me because bore get only those who are bore.

Take off the excessive punctuation. You only need one question mark, and you use '...' too much, it is losing its effect.
Get bore? You mean bored.
"This thought scares me because bore get only those who are bore."

This thought scares me because boredom gets only those who are boring.

Hey Blue gal... Say me sorry...
This is cheating...
Why you leaved hour Ago..
You were suppose to wait for me..
I'm Online Now..

"Say me sorry"? Do you mean "I'm sorry"? Or "I want an apology"?

"This is cheating..."? What? How is she cheating? Cheating means you are breaking the rules ><;

"Why you leaved hour Ago..." ="Why did you leave an hour ago?"

"You were suppose to wait for me..." Supposed.

"I'm Online Now.." Redundant. She would know that, considering he is using the net to talk to her.

This is big disadvantage when you have friend list limited to small number. Either fix your time before or get bore.
But bore get only those who are bore.
And continued clicking "homepage" icon on the top most corner of page.

This is the big disadvantage when you have a friend list limited to a small number. Either schedule a meeting time before hand or get bored.
But boredom only gets those who are bored. - repeating a theme can be good, but not so soon. It just sounds repetitive.
I continued clicking the homepage icon on the top most corner of the page.

All I've done is gone through and added a few small, but vital words- If you're not sure, say the sentence aloud, type it as you would say it, and substituted a few more suiting words in places. A thesaurus is great for this.

I'm sure there are replies from all those anonymous people whom I've send friend request. But what else was I suppose to do? That was only way to increase number of friends to kick away boredom. Let's check out new entries.

I'm sure there are replies from all those anonymous people who I've send friend requests to.(remove but) what else was I suppose to do? That was the only way to increase number of friends to kick away boredom. I decide to check out the new entries.

Started to drag Cursor towards scrapbook hyperlink and at this moment my eyes stopped on that thing which i must have not seen

I started to drag the cursor towards the scrapbook hyperlink but my eyes stopped on a previously unseen thing.

I don't like the use of 'thing' but I couldn't figure out a better description.

My eyes caught on the stylish name in my visitors list. This visitor list randomly selects the name of person who seeks your profile and suddenly made me realized that this was 4th time his footprints in my profile. I dint understood the reason .But did smell something suspicious. So decided to teach him lesson and clicked on his name. Unfortunately I forgot to put him in the ignore list this was the second mistake and scrapped him. Even god forgives second mistake

...The visitors list displays the names of the people who seek your profile, and I realised that Zippo had seeked me out not once, but four times. I didn't know why, and it made me suspicious. So I decided to teach him a lesson and clicked on his name. Unfortunately I forgot to select ignore, my next mistake, and instead scrapped him. But even god forgives a second mistake.

Who the hell are you????
Why you always keep snooping here?
What's so fishy?????
Don't want to see you name here again...
Otherwise ...

"What's so fishy" sounds strange. I would suggest you remove it.


Okay, overall, this was awkward to read and I found a lot of grammar mistakes. I suggest you go through your work and read it out loud to yourself or a friend, to find the bits that don't flow well or don't make sense.
The plot itself is fairly okay so far, but really, all it is is a guy who went online to a site and noticed that someone was being a snoop. Not enough happened to let me pass real judgment.
If you have any questions don't hesitate to send me a PM, I'm happy to help

Hey emozemo,
Firstly, Thanks Nutty for pointing out the errors!

Your story is... baffling.
I couldn't really make out anything about the character,
And with all due respect, you need to work on your english.
But its okay, hopefully the next few chapters will start to make sense.

If written properly, it does seem like it can develop into something interesting and unique,
So good luck with that!

Thanks Nutty And Meep for the feedback..
But let me accept one more thing
This scene is#1 and there is #1.1,#1.2,#1.3 left
So its obviously baffling at this moment.
You are right.
I need to work on english and vocabulary.
Reading Dictionay Magzines everyday with heart and soul.
But Vocabulary is not the thing which you can achive working Hard 24*7.
It requires long time.
Thats Why I'm here.

Actually,Story is going to get more confused in next chapters.
Basically Story has There Scene Running in parallel.
Then is last chapter of book i guess 18th or 19 chapter.
they will ge inter linked..With Unexpected Twist..
Its Longggggggggggggg Story..


Once again I owe my thanks to you Guys..
And expect you all to help me.all through the way..

Take Care..
God Bless Ya.
But After me Because at this moment I need His blessing more then you.
AFter looking at the reviews;)

Okay i have read all the ones you've uploaded
It does not in my view become less baffling.
No mean to be rude... but you really should review some books on how to structure proper short stories/right language/vocab.

This story completely baffled me. I'm sorry but i gave up. To me the character speaking is a web nerd with no friends because that is one strange character. You haven't structured the story to any kind of introduction, or developed the characters very well, i'm afraid. It had interesting language though.

With work i am sure you can be a great writer but you come across as somebody who knows a heap about web mumbo-jumbo and just splurt it onto the page. Nothing wrong with that but there are better ways to achieve a great story without cluttering it and jumbling it like you've done - have you edited?

editing is key.

I'm translates to I am and you used it twice i saw where it should've been am I not I am.
Alien's. It's been mentioned above ^^ about the 's
You could make the MC a very interesting character by italicizing italicizing the thoughts he thinks in his head then have him repeat them out loud ... he doesn't realise he is... ? Just a random thought. That person, the gender of i do not know... has come across as weird and half psyco to me!! Sorry.

!!! ??? NEVER do that! It comes across poorly and does the opposite of what i am sure you were aiming for.

I am sorry i cannot say anything better - we all start somewhere. Keep trying, you'll get there one day