Scene Kids & Murder Scenes

5 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 15
Scene Kids & Murder Scenes
A short story

His words continued to fade.
Everything was gone in an instant.

Everything they fought for. Gone.

Blood gushed out his mouth; his eyes stared at his, whispering senseless nothings as they both lay dying on the cemented floor. His hand managed to move and touch the man’s face opposite to him. And for the last time, he felt his delicate skin, his pale lips, touched his watery eyes, and said, “I love you.”

I love you forever. For the last time.

Blood continued to shed, splattering on their pale faces. It was like rain to them.
The last time they’ll share a rain together.
The last time they’ll get soaked together.
The last time they’ll be together.

~0~

“You’ve been seeing each other a lot, Stan…” A girl said to a seemingly tall boy that almost looked perfect. He fixed his glasses and brushed his girl aside, as if pretending they were never together. She ignored his rude comment and they both continued to walk along. Yellow leaves fell on their path as silence maintained over them, both struggling to say something.

“Don’t worry, I always have time for you.” He mentioned in a sweet manner as he pushed his blond hair back, smiling at her to gain her loyalty once more. She giggled back, and soon, they were clingy again. His smile faded and it soon turned to a frown. He never liked the girl, and never will. She’s merely a tool for his other plans.

~0~

“James! The fuck, you’re late again!” Shouted one of the band members struggling with the equipment. A boy stood outside scratching his head with a sorry smile. “Don’t give me that look, get over here! We’re next!” The man shouted again. The black-haired boy scurried towards them and helped prepare. Making up excuses, he seems to be scrambling with his red electric guitar.

“Damn you, just get on with it!” One of them shouted. Setting his problems aside, he continued to fix his guitar and prepared himself for the screaming crowd waiting outside.

The crowd always mesmerized him. Their cheers just seem to let loose all his conflicts and that’s when everyone, for one second, actually admired him. He clutched his guitar and put his strap on, and fixed his cheap black Green Day shirt. His band smiled at him and chuckled, “Why James? Can’t run in those girly pants?”

~0~

“I’ll leave here I guess…” The red-haired girl said with pain to his tall, blond man. He nodded as a reply, and soon faced away from her. He walked, and left her standing at the door. Fiddling with her house keys, she waited eagerly for him to look back and smile. And waited for a kiss goodbye.

Leaving her behind, he apathetically strolled along the street, without a stroke of regret. The sun shone on his pallid face, highlighting an obvious frown on his lips. He grabbed his phone from his back pocket and hastily pressed the number one.

No answer.
He tried again.
None.

The blond man stopped abruptly and looked up the sky as he closed his blue eyes. The frown soon turned into a smile, and his eyes opened with exceptional gleam. Then he began to run.

~0~

The band began to play. The violin mixing with the distorted chords of the electric guitar, percussions echoing through the auditorium, and the crowd’s hands continuously throwing the metal sign enriched the lead guitarist with much ecstasy. Pleasure occupied his mind as he strummed the metallic strings with his bare thumb, which was already bleeding from the cuts. Nevertheless, the band amused the crowd, and amazed one man.

The tall security guards made way for a seemingly rich blond man. Blaring rock music filled his ears as his teeth formed a big wide smile. “This way, Stan.” Said one of the men in black as he opened a glass door beside him. The blond man frowned as he nodded at the tall person. It appears to be a conflict in the past.

They both sat down on a red sofa overlooking the band on the stage. Women offered them drinks and both declined politely.

“How is it Richard?” Stanley Reeds asked without looking at him, in a polite but fake tone.
“It’s going great.” The man in black said, this time he looked at him as he replied, and both looked at each other for a brief second. The host continued, “You and Adalia?”
“Yeah, we’re great. I just walked her to her house a while ago.” He lethargically replied.
“Ah, so you walked her then you came here with that Escalade outside my club?” He laughed before calling one of the waitresses to give him a drink.
“Why is that Richard? Are you interested in my Escalade?” Reeds shot back.
“I’m interested in your Adalia. Someone like her should be treated nicely, Stan. I don’t think you’re doing it right.” He immediately replied, taking a sip in his nice cold tequila.
“She’s mine, Richard.” Stanley Reeds mentioned after a pause, and then eyed one of the band members on the stage. The host took note of this and chuckled.

“Doesn’t seem like it.” The host started to laugh and soon enough they were both laughing. Reeds, after realizing his stupidity, stopped and formed a serious countenance.
“If you don’t stop this, I’ll kill you.” Reeds whispered to him, followed by a hysterical laugh. The host smiled and waved his hand that seemed to be a signal. He looked at him as he crossed his legs.

“You’re just a faggot.”

Faggot. It echoed through his head. Faggot. Faggot. Faggot.

Before he knew it, bullets were flying in the room.

~0~

“It all started with a small argument between the people in the VIP room. Next thing was everybody suddenly drew their guns out of anger and started killing each other.” A tall man explained in a not so serious tone. “Is that good enough for you?” He added, taunting a young female journalist beside him.

A massacre lay before them. But they were all too used to it. Too used to the blood, the stench of dead bodies and the horrifying mess. Just too used to it.

“Mr. Richard, where were you when this was happening?” The woman asked. He laughed at the question.
“Oh, I was taking a piss.”

The attention of the woman turned to two dead bodies in the middle of the place. She neared and knelt down to see them better. Sadness filled her eyes as she gazed upon two lifeless boys, one’s hand on the other’s cheek, both eyes locked staring at each other and the painful expression shown on their faces. The woman never knew them, but she was sure that the boys were in love.

Love was evident in their pale lifeless faces.


I love you too. That was what he wanted to say. I know that was what he wanted to say. I believe it. But he couldn’t. But…even if he would, I won’t be alive to hear it.
:D :D :D :D :D :D Sure.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4198
Reviews 157
His words continued to fade.
Everything was gone in an instant.

Everything they fought for.
\

I think there should be a "had" after the "they".


Blood gushed out his mouth; his eyes stared at his, whispering senseless nothings as they both lay dying on the cemented floor. His hand managed to move and touch the man’s face opposite to him. And for the last time, he felt his delicate skin, his pale lips, touched his watery eyes, and said, “I love you.”


Be careful with pronouns here; I'm veeeery confused about who is who. It took me several read throughs to really understand whawt you were trying to say here.

The last time they’ll share a rain together.
The last time they’ll get soaked together.
The last time they’ll be together.


I have the feeling that you just switched tenses here, from past to present. It's a bit jarring...

“You’ve been seeing each other a lot, Stan…” A girl said to a seemingly tall boy that almost looked perfect


This sentence is awkwardly constructed. I get what you're trying to say, but the way you describe the boy doesn't sound right. I can already say from the get-go that the "that" is supposed to be a "who". I also don't think the "seemingly" is necessary. But bleh, play around with the sentence a bit; it needs work.

He fixed his glasses and brushed his girl aside, as if pretending they were never together.


Wow...rude. Also, I don't get what you're trying to say with the last part of the sentence.

“Don’t worry, I always have time for you.” He mentioned in a sweet manner as he pushed his blond hair back, smiling at her to gain her loyalty once more.


"Said", not "mentioned", and when you write dialogue, use a comma instead of a period and lower case his name (that is--the above sentence ought to look like "Don't worry, I always have time for you," he said).

He never liked the girl, and never will. She’s merely a tool for his other plans.


More tense changing! Be careful! Change the "will" into "would", the "She's" into "She was", and you'll be clear.

“James! The fuck, you’re late again!” Shouted one of the band members struggling with the equipment.


"shouted" in lower case.

A boy stood outside scratching his head with a sorry smile.


Is this the same boy as in the scene before, or a different boy? You gotta clarify this some more...

The black-haired boy scurried towards them and helped prepare. Making up excuses, he seems to be scrambling with his red electric guitar.


This is also the same boy, right? Though you didn't mention him having balck hair before. I'm feeling a little lost here...

Also, you switched tenses again. =/

Setting his problems aside, he continued to fix his guitar and prepared himself for the screaming crowd waiting outside.


This is referring to the "black-haired boy", right? Because the way you've written it seems to be referring more to the other band member.

Their cheers just seem to let loose all his conflicts and that’s when everyone, for one second, actually admired him.


Ah-ah! Tense changing again!

He clutched his guitar and put his strap on, and fixed his cheap black Green Day shirt. His band smiled at him and chuckled, “Why James? Can’t run in those girly pants?”


I don't understand what this scene is supposed to mean (sorry). Though I'm glad the kid has a name now, but...this scene needs some clarification/expansion. Because right now it seems kind of pointless and confusing.

“I’ll leave here I guess…”


Comma after "here".

The red-haired girl said with pain to his tall, blond man.


These are the same girl and boy from the first scene, right? Just wanted to make sure (you didn't describe them much in that scene).

Fiddling with her house keys, she waited eagerly for him to look back and smile. And waited for a kiss goodbye.


The last sentence is a fragment...I'm sure there's a way to integrate it into the sentence preceding it but I can't think of one right now. Sorry. XD

Leaving her behind, he apathetically strolled along the street, without a stroke of regret.


I don't think the comma belongs after "street".

The violin mixing with the distorted chords of the electric guitar, percussions echoing through the auditorium, and the crowd’s hands continuously throwing the metal sign enriched the lead guitarist with much ecstasy.


This sentence is confusing and poorly-worded; I can see what you're trying to say but there are better ways to say it. I'll leave you to think of them, though. ~_^ (sorry, I'm just not feeling very...lucid-like today).

The tall security guards made way for a seemingly rich blond man.


Wow, be careful about overusing adjectives (pot calling kettle black...). Use too many and they lose all meaning. "Seemingly rich" and "tall" don't say much--describe how beefy the guards are, and how they look like they could decapitate someone with their bare hands (or something like that). Describe the expensive clothes the blonde man is wearing, his cologne, the way he carries himself--this will convey that he is rich far better than just saying he is rich will. The difference between (are you ready...?) showing instead of telling.

It appears to be a conflict in the past.


What does this mean? This sentence seems rather...random, and just plunked in there. I'd say you can excise it without harm.

“How is it Richard?” Stanley Reeds asked without looking at him, in a polite but fake tone.


Okay, so is Stanley the blonde man in the beginning of the story? But who's the other guy with him? He just kind of popped in there...randomly.

“Yeah, we’re great. I just walked her to her house a while ago.” He lethargically replied.


"said, his voice lethargic". Try to avoid dialogue tag plus adverb constructions as often as possible. :)

“Why is that Richard? Are you interested in my Escalade?” Reeds shot back.


Comma after "that".

“She’s mine, Richard.” Stanley Reeds mentioned after a pause, and then eyed one of the band members on the stage. The host took note of this and chuckled.


"Mentioned" isn't a dialogue tag, so don't use it as one.

Also, I feel like this scene should be expanded; it seems important and you kind of just breeze over it.
“You’re just a faggot.”

Faggot. It echoed through his head. Faggot. Faggot. Faggot.

Before he knew it, bullets were flying in the room.


Wow...that was rather...random. There needs to be more buildup here because as it is the shooting just seems completely out of the blue. That's not good. People almost never act out of the blue, unless they're insane of course, but both of your characters here seem quite sane. So yeah, you need to build up/foreshadow this incident more because it's kind of...well, random. Work on this a little.

A massacre lay before them. But they were all too used to it. Too used to the blood, the stench of dead bodies and the horrifying mess. Just too used to it.


Who are "they"?

“Mr. Richard, where were you when this was happening?” The woman asked. He laughed at the question.


Wait, is this the same "Richard" who was talking to Stanley? *confused*

Love was evident in their pale lifeless faces.


Uh, you already kind of stated this point in the preceding paragraph, so this sentence really is unncessary.

Okay...overall thoughts.

This was confusing. Very, very, VERY confusing. And not in a good way confusing. Confusing in a way that I couldn't make head or tails out of this.

Don't be discouraged by this; I really did want to like this, and I could see it has a TON of potential. It's wonderful that you're writing about a relationship like this [s](and a relief from all the Twilight carbon copies floating around here *cough*)[/s] I love that you're exploring an unconventional kind of love, and the repercussions of such a relationship, but...

It needs to fleshed out. A TON. Right now, I'm completely lost. I have no idea who half the charactes are, and I don't understand their current situations and their relationships. I don't know why Richard killed Stanley (I'd make a Richard III comment here, but...I feel like it was accidental, so whatever). I'm completely at a loss for what happened. You have an intriguing narrative structure here, what with the way you've been writing the story as a series of "snapshots", but they need to be more fleshed out. I need to know more about the characters and their backgrounds, and I need to know just what the hell happened at the end.

Again, don't be discouraged! You're not a bad writer; this story has tons of potential. You just need to make it so it's less confusing for the reader. Edit hard, and I'm sure you'll have a wonderful story.

The very best of luck in your endeavors! :D
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1075
Reviews 842
Yeah, this definitely has potential! I mean, the emotions you have are right on. But you sure leave us with a lot of questions unanswered :? Try to think of all the possible questions readers might think and aim to answer them.

Also, I feel like you had a really awkward beginning and then a stellar ending. I felt like maybe you should cut this into like four parts and add more to each. That way, you keep it in short story form but you also have more elements to work with...I don't know. Just an idea :wink:

Otherwise, best of luck with this and if you have any questions, just let me know :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 15
Wow. Thank you people for the help~ I really appreciate it. XD
:D :D :D :D :D :D Sure.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 135
First of all, this story baffles me. The POV you’ve taken means you have to use ‘him’ ‘he’ a lot, which is very confusing. Use names more often or make it obvious which he is who.

The massacre scene was what really got me confused. Up until then I’d managed to follow it but who killed who? Your readers are going to be just as confused and wonder what the hell is happening.
- What sex is the host? And when did the host become involved in the story? I know it’s a he now, but you should really make it OBVIOUS another character is involved earlier on.
- Who shot who? It’s not actually obvious at all. There were three guys in the room then bullets flew then the police find two bodies.
- Since when is Stan in love with Richard? I knew there was dodgy stuff in one of the above paragraphs but they were arguing, then bullets were flying, then they’re on the floor saying I love you. That baffled me.

You need to put more ‘meat on the bones’ when you change the story back and forth between present and past. Also, at the beginning you should specify a present day, so when it changes the reader should be able to guess the story has swapped back.
Overall I like where the story goes and it’s very emotional and fairly well developed but you need to add more dialogue, characterisation and specify setting and the characters a little more than you have done. Edit HARD and really consider your writing.
Attachments
scenekidsandmurder.doc
(33.5 KiB) Downloaded 29 times
Writing gives my life purpose



Anne felt that life was really not worth living without puffed sleeves.
— L. M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables