The Burden

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..Not exactly new in sense of style, though. I was inspired by what John Milton did with Paradise Lost,and I tried to do the same thing. I am a romantic person at heart; so what you're reading will probably strike you as emotional for a 20 year old guy...but that's beside the point...this is a story about love.

and this is the intro/prologue/whatever it is, really. It is written from the main character's point of view, obviously; he's not me, though. This is completely fictional:

This story has no real name,
Nor does it have my real name fastened to the top.
It is better this way; I have no desire
To be found by others, and dragged from my hole
And questioned ceaselessly about this tale I write.
Call me Adam if you will,
And this story is the tale of my pursuit of my love,
Eve, I will call her for her sake.
And this is the story in which I can say with pride
I did pursue her in a manner of honor and goodness.
I committed no act of evil to meet her,
Harmed no one, stole nothing, and lied very little.
And when I spoke with her, I felt a coal burn my soul
Branding the encounter if you will, ensuring,
I would always have her on my heart and mind.
The weakness in man is his love.
Love for many things, of course,
But truly, love for the opposite sex
Is among the greatest of base emotions
They all reside deep within the loins of man.
And hence, he finds it fairly difficult
To avoid the call that goes off,
Like an alarm sounded when a fire starts in the house,
And man once again is prisoner to his instincts.
This I learned the hard way;
And I regret that I thought otherwise,
Even when Dad tried to explain what love truly was to me
When I was only fourteen. I laughed at his explanation,
Told him to worry about my brother instead.
Ignorance was my drive, my crime,
Thinking I knew enough to get by.
I now sit here at my laptop, chuckling,
Knowing only that knowledge itself is gained
Through experience, and revelations from God.
But Dear Reader, I apologize.
Leaving you astray is not my intention.
I have gotten my head on straight,
And give you the story now, I will.
You read this of your own curiosity
And take nothing away from this,
Except the understanding that man,
Burdened with obsession,
Finds no peace under the sun,
And it will kill him if he does not let go.
I'm advertising here: Rosetta...A Determinism of Morality...out May 25th...2010 album of the year, without question.




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All right, Krupp, this seems like a very old-fashioned story; I mean, it has that feel, with the obsessed man and the elusive woman. I thought the style was very interesting, and refreshing. However, I do think that you may want to read through this and see if you should maybe expand on things, or just cut them out completely.

For example:

Even when Dad tried to explain what love truly was to me

When I was only fourteen. I laughed at his explanation,

Told him to worry about my brother instead.


I'm not sure this is needed. The whole "Dad" thing kind of screws up your flow. I either suggest rewriting this with more of the feel you had going on, or just dump it and go staight from Ignorence, maybe have one line saying you were like that as a child.

Hopefully this helps!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians