That's really good - it flows well and has some captivating imagery.
The only bad thing I'll comment on... is that I can't see how this fits in with the three chapters you posted up earlier (at least, not very well). But I imagine you already have have that sorted out so it's not much of a problem .
There's a couple of spelling errors in there, but none are too bad. I'm going to be lazy and lave the spell checking up to those who are better at it .
That's partly because I skipped some chapters. Didn't really feel like posting them. I wasn't even going to post this part until I read it at a library event and got some great response, so I wanted other people to read it.
Anyway, the purpose of this is as a parallel story to the main plot.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"
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