Forever Young

Life's young beauty dancing,
to a slow, soft tune.
Thou art forever young,
but death comes all too soon.
To die whilst not alone,
is measured not in gold.

I think it should be longer...this doesn't really stick out to me.

it's too short
and i am not a good critque but, i think you should extend it...

try writing two or three more lines having in the second one something else that ryhmes with gold and then something to conclude it which you dont have in this which makes it seem like a poem with a lost note

hmm. Your poem at first glance seems mildly confusing and after a multiple of lines i believe the last one is really just like the line that anchors the whole piece and makes its beautifull.

It has nice rhythm going with its mild rhyme. Its quite nice, its meaning is there and obvious[not good or bad]

I don't suggest you make this longer, but i do suggest that you make more of the first couple of lines. They're just sort of there so that the last ones make sense, and i feel sorry for them because they could have their own pretty, unusual sort of philisophical words too. Also, i think you might need to rearrange it a little - the ending feels awkwardly unfinished when read. Lastly, it should really be 'whilst' and not 'while'. That's all i have to suggest really. I like the last two lines; they're lovely. Altough the title jumps out at me as a cat steven's song!! ^^ i'm just joking.

Well done, i was genuinely intrigued by this piece because it wasn't hard to read but there was a lot to digest. Please consider my critisism.

Thankyou, from charlie.

thank you all, especially Charliebo, who's reply i found most helpful... and i think i will change it too "whilst" thank you.
I guess i shouldnt be surprised that nobody above writer critiqued it,
i always disregard their posts, unless i agree with them.
but what can they expect, its my writing, and one thing i wont tolerate is people trying to correct my writing style,
which too many people on here do,
but thanks all of you.

Hello there!
I feel that this is a pretty different poem, from the ones I have been reading.
The use of "Old English" here is what makes it different from others.
Different, in a good way I mean. (:

I don't think you need to make it anymore longer.
I do like the last part,

God wrote:To die whilst not alone,
is measured not in gold.

And I agree with that. Great piece of work, as it's simple yet descriptive. (:
Keep it up!

Cheers,
DrammaMomma

I LOVE THIS

its meaningful, but not sort of shove down your throat religious and preacher like.

it is sweet, concise, but i definitely like the length of it. no shorter or longer, perfect.

have you tried dramatic poetry?

well well done