[ at a friends birthday "party", basically just the gang hanging out by the basketball hoop]
I was sitting against the lamppost and Xander sits down next to me. We churn out the whole "Are you okay?" "Yes I'm just tired" and drunk routine and he puts his arm around me and hugs me. THEN he's sitting with his arm around my waist and his chin on my shoulder. I don't move. He's much too close. I don't like it.
Then this line: "Well so long as you need it, I'll be here."
For FUCKS SAKE. You care? Really? Sure you do, Xander, you care a lot about getting into my pants and then dropping me like a hot potato.
In my head I'm going "How do I get away? Escape. What do I do?"
So a second later I move.
"I need to drink more" I declare, trying to pass it off as one of my tipsy mood swings.
"You...do...?"
I leave him sitting on the grass looking confused. I don't look back, don't see if he gets up or not, just find Jake at the gazebo and ask him for his Apple Sourz. Open it, slug down a lot when he hands it to me. Funny how it used to taste so much stronger.
"Whoa thats not a sip. What's the matter?"
"Nothing" I tell him. I pause. I have to get out of here. In case he comes and talks to me. In case anyone talks to me. "I'm going for a walk."
"Wait, what?" he starts but I'm already gone.
I start of walking but I'm so mad. I start to run. It helps. I want to scream. God he's such a slimy bastard.
Its hard to see my feet in the dark, and i can feel the stones through the soles of my shoes but I keep running. THIS at least I can control. I round the bend and kneel down on the gravel path. Almost prostrate. How dramatic.
I feel violated.
And all he did was have his arms around me, touch me. I suddenly understand rape and taboo and all he did was have his arms around me.
Jake calls my phone and asks where I am. I'm too tired for excuses anymore, I don't have the strength to lie.
He comes to get me and puts out his hands to help me up. He hugs me. I'm so relieved, okay, suddenly comforted and I remember he is my friend and he won't let Xander do anything if I don't want him to even if its something as stupid and little as touching me.
He wants to know what happened and its impossible to say it but I try my best to give him the gist.
Later when we go back Graham gets extra points for voicing his dislike of Xander and the more i think about it, the more I wish I had just pushed him away and told him to get the fuck off.
- - - -
crit if you want, an excerpt from my diary. Changed the names.
