The Magic

He dances up on the stage
Like his fingers moving on the frets.
His right hand grips the pick
As tight as the capo on the neck.

His toe taps out the beat
Like the booming drums behind him.
He strikes a sour chord as apparent as
A burst of feedback, but he keeps going.

The crowd doesn’t mind; their bodies
Still sway back and forth in a pattern
Like the progression, repeating a form,
But still holding twists and turns.

Calluses still build up on his fingers
Like his fans build up in number.
But as the final chorus breaks down
So does the crowd.

His ears are a high school marching band,
ringing with clatter, unable to hear real noise.
His heart is an aggravated bird in a cage.
Although his mind slowly drifts to sleep

The magic still lives in his fingers.

I do like the way that you use punctuation so the reader can read the way you want them to, but you will get corrected 23042039432 times for that on here.

"Still swayback and forth in a pattern"
-I think sway and back should be two separate words.

"Calluses still build up on his fingers
Like his fans build in number."
-I love this line. But, I know the effect you're trying to get out of it, and you should add the word 'up' in the second line to keep the flow nice. Ie= "Like his fans build up in number"

"His ears are a high school marching band"
I'm not too sure what this means... High school marching bands can be many things. Try to add an adjective or something in there.


I did love this though. I think you captured the emotions very well.

Thanks for reading it Justin. nd yes, sway and back are supposed to be two words, that was a typo on my part. And I like the calluses comment. I think I will fix it.

That's a fresh poem indeed!

Very well described...the mood of the concert hall is very well done.

I like how the poem shifts from the guitarist's point of view to the audience's.

Like his fingers moving up and down the frets.

Erm...this is too long a line to fit in with the rest of the poem. Try to shorten it. It's a difficult job though and I am without suggestions.

His ears are a high school marching band,

ringing with clatter, unable to hear real noise.

His heart is an aggravated bird in a cage.

Although his mind slowly drifts to sleep

The magic still lives in his fingers.

The stucture suddenly messes up with this five line stanza. I'd recommend separating the last line and putting it in a conclusive single-lined stanza. None will mind then.
And it will put more emphasis on the beauty of the last line.

hey!
Great poem.
the poem feels real and enchanting.
I especially like the last line

This is one of the most amazing works I've ever read.

I personally love guitars, the way you used the guitar's player view on the surrounded, and switch it over elsewhere, makes me smile, haha.
:]

I think that was your intended purpose?

Anyways, I don't remember seeing any typos except for swayback. But, according to the Webster's, that is actually the correct spelling of the word.


Anyway, good job on switching views and capturing the attention of the reader's, or at least you did with me. :]


The one thing I can say is, try to correct your punctuation, not only is the poem important in itself, but the way it is written is also a big factor.
Would you wanna read something that doesn't make sense in that view?

No, I wouldn't either.
So try to add your commas, periods, and whatnot.

Sorry if I was mean.


Good job.
Keep writing, you have an amazing talent.
Good job.

I really liked this poem, it was very descriptive of being at a concert from both the artist and the crowds point of view. Really made you feel like you were there, good poetry should be able to do that.

The final line was very effective, I don't personally play guitar but I can imagine that's how it must feel after a show, like you don't just leave it all behind the moment you put down that guitar and step of stage.

The punctuation is a bit odd, and no doubt you'll be picked up on it. But given that my favourite poet uses very strange punctuation that's not necessarily a bad thing!

I really enjoyed this poem!! Being a musician myself, it got to me in a way. Now what I like in a poem is when it creates a mental picture clearly. This poem brings the scene to mind to such a clarity hard to develop with poetry. I could see everything as I read, and the experience was enthralling.
Your word usage was extremely good as well, it appears as if you were not afraid to take risks with your word usage and just went for it, and I like that.
Though I usually don't appreciate non-rhyming poems as much as rhyming ones, this one, in my opinion, was one of the best written poems I've read by a non-professional poet. It has all the qualities I like in poetry.

"Calluses still build up on his fingers
Like his fans build up in number.
But as the final chorus breaks down
So does the crowd."

I especially like this verse. Excellent word usage! I hope to see more poems like this in the near future!
Beannach leibh, tapadh leibh!

LordLoredaen