A Titleless Story (5)

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

lucyy wrote:Here is the next chapter. It isn't very long and may be a little rough. Any harsh critiques are always welcome and I hope you enjoy it!!

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Chapter Two – All you need is love

(Ok, in my opinion this was brilliant! There is very few (if any) mistakes here! Great job!)

Rosaline stepped out of the plane and into the bitter October wind. Wishing she’d brought a jumper with her, Rosaline wrapped her bare arms around herself, and silently willed the people in front of her to hurry up and get inside the airport - where she would meet Rosetta for the first time in ten years.
‘Ten years!’ she kept repeating mentally to herself, as though it would make the statement any less true. Ever since she got off the plane, Rosaline kept on running the conversation over in her head that she had had with her sister only a week ago.
“Oh, Rosetta,” Rosaline had said, the unprepared for shock prominent not only in her voice, but on her soft, ivory features as well.
“I guess you found out,” Rosetta had said, her voice wavering slightly, “I still can’t get my head around it, it just can’t be real.” Rosetta had repeated this over and over in a dead voice, so different from the happy, carefree voice Rosaline had always envied of her sister whenever she had talked to her on the phone ( This may need to be reconstructed, hehe, but I can't suggest how :p.). But she no longer envied her sister now.
“I’m coming over!” Rosaline had announced, interrupting Rosetta with her monotone babbling ("interrupting Rosetta's monotone babbling" ), but instantly regretting saying the words.
“Oh, Rose!” Rosetta had exclaimed, her voice drifting slightly away from the depressed tone she had recently adopted, “Oh, Rose, do you mean it? Would you really come back – come back for me?”
“Yes,” Rosaline had grumbled into the receiver, mentally scolding herself on her stupid actions. She had now got Rosetta’s hopes up just to dash them away again. I can never go back to England again, she thought to herself after having said goodbye to Rosetta, can I? Immediately, she doubted herself, going over all the endless possibilities in her head. It isn’t like I have to see him, is it? I can just stay with Rosetta for a bit, make sure she’s okay and then return back here – simple!
So Rosaline had then booked the flight to England, organised (organized) a couple of weeks off of work and thought nothing of it; that is until now. She was now a nervous wreck, trying fruitlessly to think over how she could achieve avoiding Jared for three whole weeks. It just wasn’t going to work! She knew that she was going to end up seeing him sometime: (I think a semi-colon would be better here :p ) she was just dreading the moment when it would happen.
After a long wait at the baggage reclaim, Rosaline pushed herself past all (try maybe "through all" it kinda confused me a little )of the families and couples crowding the exit, hauling her vivid pink case along behind her.
It was extremely surreal to be back in England, surrounded by English people and English accents, and not to mention the cold weather, Rosaline added wryly, rubbing one of her hands up and down her bare arm. (Reword maybe? "...not to mention the cold weather. Rosaline rubbed one of her hands up and down her arm, trying to warm the bare skin.")
As Rosaline made her way over to the visiting point, she spotted Rosetta instantaneously. Her blue eyes were squinting in an effort to spot Rosaline and her short blond hair was pulled back from her face. As Rosaline moved into Rosetta’s eyesight, Rosaline nearly laughed aloud as she saw Rosetta do a double-take as she appraised her appearance. She supposed she looked very different now, with her dyed black hair and permanent dark rings under her eyes. I don’t just look different, I look a mess! Even Rosetta looks better than me, and she’s just lost her husband! Rosaline sighed to herself.
After Rosetta had got over the initial shock of Rosaline’s appearance she waved energetically and ran towards her, arms outstretched. Rosaline dropped her case and met her twin sister half way, hugging her with emotional enthusiasm.
As Rosaline pulled away, she began to laugh at them both, with their unshed tears making both of their eyes shimmer in the bright lights of the airport.
Rosetta smiled at the sound of her sister’s laughter. It looked like this was the first time Rosaline had laughed for over ten years. “What’s so funny?” she asked her sister.
“Us,” Rosaline replied. “Do you know what all this reminds me of?”
Simultaneously, both of the sisters said aloud, “Love Actually!” startling a few of the people around them.
Rosaline laughed. “Yeah, this is just like the end – the whole emotion reunion thing. Remember, all you need is love!” As Rosaline said those words aloud, she instantly regretted it, as her sister’s blue eyes clouded over and tears started to brim at the corners of her almond shaped eyes.
“Oh, hey, hon,” Rosaline murmured, sliding her arm around Rosetta’s waist and squeezing her. “It’s going to get better, I promise you, honey.” Rosaline smiled comfortingly at her sister, who answered with a half-smile of her own.
“For now, let’s get home before I collapse. I didn’t sleep a wink on that plane, it’s a wonder I’m still standing!” Rosetta gave a slight chuckle at her sister’s words and wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes. Absentmindedly, Rosetta rubbed her rounded tummy.
“Oh, I totally forgot!” Rosaline exclaimed, as she watched her sister tenderly rub her protruding bump.
Rosetta laughed at her sister’s expression: her red lips had formed a slight ‘o’ shape and her once bright blue eyes had gone as round as dinner plates. “You look ridiculous you know,” Rosetta said, placing her slender fingertips under Rosaline’s chin. Rosaline closed her mouth at her sister’s touch and grabbed the suitcase she had hastily discarded on the floor earlier on.
“Let’s go home,” Rosetta said, taking Rosaline’s hand and pulling her in the direction of the car park.
“You look so different,” Rosetta announced, as they walked towards the exit, “and your accent, you sound so … American!”
Rosaline laughed, but said nothing. She didn’t want to hear how different she sounded, she just wanted to pretend that the last ten years had never happened, that she had never gone to America.
But she had.
Rosaline would never forget the fact that she had left Jared and her sister, and the next few weeks were most probably going to remind her of the damage her reckless actions had done to her twin sister.
She sighed inwardly as she got into Rosetta’s small blue car. She would never forget how stupid and foolish she’d been.

(Wow! I really, really liked that! It was great! The only confusing thing to me was spacing; there was some points that you should've spaced a bit, like, putting a break in the line/enter key . It would help a good deal . Other than that, it was great! I can't wait to read more!!)

i loved it there was mistakes which can always be fixed.I loved this bit it seems the more realisticly detailed. Rosaline laughed. “Yeah, this is just like the end – the whole emotion reunion thing. Remember, all you need is love!” As Rosaline said those words aloud, she instantly regretted it, as her sister’s blue eyes clouded over and tears started to brim at the corners of her almond shaped eyes.

lucyy-
While reading this chapter, I was amazed how well you write. I didn't find any grammar mistakes that caught my eye.
The way you described the emotions from Rosaline and Rosetta is just remarkable. For me, I wouldn't know how to put my self in their shows, as being a twin. --Know what I mean?
It's like you wrote them in a way that they finish each others sentences, feel each others pain and so on with being a twin. It was very well put and written!
I'd look forward to reading the next chapter. Pm, when you do. Thanks!
-Merry

Thank you all so much for taking your time to read and review this. Your comments are very kind and your thoughts will come in extremely helpful in the editing process. I can't thank you all enough *beams happily*
--Lucyy xx

lucyy wrote:Here is the next chapter. It isn't very long and may be a little rough. Any harsh critiques are always welcome and I hope you enjoy it!! I'll do the best I can on the critiquing part

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Chapter Two – All you need is love

Rosaline stepped out of the plane and into the bitter October wind. Wishing she’d brought a jumper with her, Rosaline wrapped her bare arms around herself, and silently willed the people in front of her to hurry up and get inside the airport - where she would meet Rosetta for the first time in ten years.
‘Ten years!’ she kept repeating mentally to herself, as though it would make the statement [s]any less true[/s] "even less realistic" or "even more unreal". Ever since she got off the plane, Rosaline kept on running the conversation over in her head that she had had with her sister only a week ago.
“Oh, Rosetta,” Rosaline had said, the unprepared for shock prominent not only in her voice, but on her soft, ivory features as well.
“I guess you found out,” Rosetta had said, her voice wavering slightly, “I still can’t get my head around it, it just can’t be real.” Rosetta had repeated this over and over in a dead voice, so different from the happy, carefree voice Rosaline had always envied of her sister whenever she had talked to her on the phone. [s]But she no longer envied her sister now.[/s] No need to say this. The reader can infer as much
“I’m coming over!” Rosaline had announced, interrupting Rosetta with her monotone babbling, but instantly regretting saying the words.
“Oh, Rose!” Rosetta had exclaimed, her voice drifting slightly away from the depressed tone she had recently adopted, “Oh, Rose, do you mean it? Would you really come back – come back for me?”
“Yes,” Rosaline had grumbled into the receiver, mentally scolding herself on her stupid actions. She had now got Rosetta’s hopes up just to dash them away again. I can never go back to England again, she thought to herself after having said goodbye to Rosetta, can I? Immediately, she doubted herself, going over all the endless possibilities in her head. It isn’t like I have to see him, is it? I can just stay with Rosetta for a bit, make sure she’s okay and then return back here – simple!
So Rosaline had then booked [s]the[/s] a flight to England, organised a couple of weeks off of work and thought nothing of it; that is until now. Start new paragraph She was now a nervous wreck, trying fruitlessly to think over how she could achieve avoiding Jared for three whole weeks. It just wasn’t going to work! She knew that she was going to end up seeing him sometime: she was just dreading the moment when it would happen.
After a long wait at the baggage reclaim, Rosaline pushed herself past all of the families and couples crowding the exit, hauling her vivid pink case along behind her. Describe the airport more. What are the smells, the sights, and sounds?
It was extremely surreal to be back in England, surrounded by English people, English accents, and not to mention the cold weather, Rosaline added wryly, rubbing one of her hands up and down her bare arm.
As Rosaline made her way over to the visiting point, she instantaneously spotted Rosetta [s]instantaneously[/s]. Her blue eyes were squinting in an effort to spot Rosaline and her short blonde hair was pulled back from her face. As Rosaline moved into Rosetta’s eyesight, Rosaline nearly laughed aloud as she saw Rosetta do a double-take as she appraised her appearance. She supposed she looked very different now, with her dyed black hair and permanent dark rings under her eyes. I don’t just look different, I look a mess! Even Rosetta looks better than me, and she’s just lost her husband! Rosaline sighed to herself. I'm not sure the "husband" comment would be okay, because didn't Rosoline just loose one of her friends as well...? Okay, if you will keep it, maybe have her stop in her tracks and overwhelm her with sorrow, that sort of stuff, just to make the reader understand and feel for Rosaline and her sister.
After Rosetta had [s]got[/s] gotten over the initial shock of Rosaline’s appearance comma she waved energetically and ran towards her, arms outstretched. Rosaline dropped her case and met her twin sister half way, hugging her with emotional enthusiasm.
As Rosaline pulled away, she began to laugh at them both, with their unshed tears making both of their eyes shimmer in the bright lights of the airport.
Rosetta smiled at the sound of her sister’s laughter. It looked like this was the first time Rosaline had laughed for over ten years. “What’s so funny?” she asked her sister.
“Us,” Rosaline replied. “Do you know what all this reminds me of?”
Simultaneously, both of the sisters said aloud, “Love Actually!” startling a few of the people around them.
Rosaline laughed. “Yeah, this is just like the end – the whole emotion reunion thing. Remember, all you need is love!” As Rosaline said those words aloud, she instantly regretted it, as her sister’s blue eyes clouded over and tears started to brim at the corners of her almond shaped eyes.
“Oh, hey, hon,” Rosaline murmured, sliding her arm around Rosetta’s waist and squeezing her. “It’s going to get better, I promise you, honey.” Rosaline smiled comfortingly at her sister, who answered with a half-smile of her own.
“For now, let’s get home before I collapse. I didn’t sleep a wink on that plane, it’s a wonder I’m still standing!” Rosetta gave a slight chuckle at her sister’s words and wiped the tears from the corner of her eyes. Absentmindedly, Rosetta rubbed her rounded tummy.
“Oh, I totally forgot!” Rosaline exclaimed, as she watched her sister tenderly rub her protruding bump.
Rosetta laughed at her sister’s expression: her red lips had formed a slight ‘o’ shape and her once bright blue eyes had gone as round as dinner plates. “You look ridiculous you know,” Rosetta said, placing her slender fingertips under Rosaline’s chin. Rosaline closed her mouth at her sister’s touch and grabbed the suitcase she had hastily discarded on the floor earlier on.
“Let’s go home,” Rosetta said, taking Rosaline’s hand and pulling her in the direction of the car park.
“You look so different,” Rosetta announced, as they walked towards the exit, “and your accent, you sound so … American!”
Rosaline laughed, but said nothing. She didn’t want to hear how different she sounded, she just wanted to pretend that the last ten years had never happened, that she had never gone to America.
But she had.
Rosaline would never forget the fact that she had left Jared and her sister, and the next few weeks were most probably going to remind her of the damage her reckless actions had done to her twin sister.
She sighed inwardly as she got into Rosetta’s small blue car. She would never forget how stupid and foolish she’d been.

All right, this chapter is probably one of your best so far The emotions and reactions and dialogue were all pefectly done. As you can see, I didn't find that many mistakes, which means that you are slowly improving!

Keep up the good work, luc!

ashley --
Thank you for finding time to critique this - I can't tell you how much I appreciate it, so thank you.Your critiques always come in handy for me!!
Yayy, thank you soo much haha *extra happy lucy*, I'm glad you liked this, strangely enough it didn't take me half as long to write this as it did to write the other chapters, I literally did it within one afternoon hehe :p
I'm so glad you like it and think that my writing's improving, thank youuu
Thank you for your comments as well, I will be working on what you pointed out, so yeah, thank you (I say that too much :p ). Oh, what the hell - thank you, thank you, thank youuuu!!

--Lucyy xx

Wow! I was unsure of how you would carry on the story in this new environment, but you did it! (That last sentence may not have made sense, so to clear it up: it was a compliment.) Now down to the picky things.

she kept repeating mentally to herself,

If you repeat something mentally, who else is going to hear it? You could take out the 'to herself', unless there's going to be some mind reading going on.

But she no longer envied her sister now.

"No longer" and "now" is kind of repeating yourself. You can either say "But she no longer envied her sister" or "But she didn't envy her sister now". Also, you could take out the "but" at the beginning of a sentence, because it's never supposed to be there

Rosaline had announced, interrupting Rosetta with her monotone babbling, but instantly regretting saying the words.

Is Rosaline or Rosetta the one with the "monotone babbling"? If it's Rosaline, then that's correct, but if it's Rosetta's babbling, you need to say "interrupting Rosetta's monotonous babbling".

mentally scolding herself on her stupid actions.

It should be "scolding herself for her stupid actions".

She had now got Rosetta’s hopes up just to dash them away again.

"Now gotten Rosetta's hopes" is correct. "Had got" does not make sense.

organised a couple of weeks off of work and thought nothing of it; that is until now.

There should be a comma after "that is", and the "until now" is a bit confusing tense-wise. Maybe you should say "that is, until the day before the flight" or something.

hauling her vivid pink case along behind her.

Eh... "vivid" just sounds really awkward here. Try something like "loud" or "shocking".

the whole emotion reunion thing.

Unless the emotions are reuniting, it should be "emotional".

as her sister’s blue eyes clouded over and tears started to brim at the corners of her almond shaped eyes.

Either she's extremely sensitive or this is a bit over the top. Maybe instead of saying she instantly started to cry, you could say she was 'on the verge of tears'.

“You look ridiculous you know,”

There should be a comma after "ridiculous".

Rosaline closed her mouth at her sister’s touch and grabbed the suitcase she had hastily discarded on the floor earlier on.

You don't really need to say where she discarded it (not sure that even makes sense). Getting rid of the "on the floor" wouldn't hurt.

Overall this is a really good piece! Some of the verbs, like I noticed you only used 'said' 5 times in the context of "Person said 'blah blah'". It's okay to use it a bit more, although there are some amazing verbs in there!

Great job and really smooth transition into England! (In the story, I mean.) Gold star!

Chichi --
Thank you soo much!!! I',m so glad you liked it, and also thank you so much for your detaled review - it will come in very handy, so thank you!! I'm glad you enjoyed this, and just thank you for taking your time to read and review thsi - can't thank you enough

--Lucyy xx

HOLY CHRISTMAS CAKES OF CHRIST.
I'm here.
I'm reviewing.
So let's get this dizzle started! Srsbisnz (serious business)
I'm truly ever so sorry for all this delaying! HERE IS ONE OF
YOUR TWO THOROUGH REVIEWS ;D

Wishing she’d brought a jumper with her, Rosaline wrapped her bare arms around herself, and silently willed the people in front of her to hurry up and get inside the airport - where she would meet Rosetta for the first time in ten years.

There's nothing wrong with this sentence! I just loveeee it, it gives me shivers since it's been TEN YEARS. I'm here
saying "hurry up people, I want to get to when they meet!" too!(:

the unprepared for shock prominent not only in her voice,

I would consider rewording this!

But she no longer envied her sister now.

You may not start a sentence with a conjunction.

I can never go back to England again, she thought to herself after having said goodbye to Rosetta, can I? Immediately, she doubted herself, going over all the endless possibilities in her head. It isn’t like I have to see him, is it? I can just stay with Rosetta for a bit, make sure she’s okay and then return back here – simple!

Thoughts go into ' '

So Rosaline had then booked the flight to England, organised a couple of weeks off of work and thought nothing of it; that is until now

There should be a coma after 'so'.

do a double-take as she appraised her appearance.

Hahahahahaha.

Simultaneously, both of the sisters said aloud, “Love Actually!” startling a few of the people around them.

Good analogy, but some people may not know what "Love Actually" is and therefor, this should not be used.


WOW.
WOW.
WOW.
Amazing doll,
truly!
It was really good. Your punctuation and word formatting is getting extremely better - I'm so proud! :D

AYAY. One tip: When someone is speaking, do not start a new paragraph with the same speaker. Keep it all one paragraph!

Yayy, you're here haha I missd your reviews (:
Thank you sooo much in reading this and I'm so glad you liked it and think I'm improving!! =D I will definetly go over the things you pointed out, and just thank you, thank you, thank youuuu!!!
--Lucyy xx