Goodbyes

One or Two????

I sat by his bed,
the words flowing out.
'Daddy it's okay,
you can leave us now.

I don't want
you to suffer
to be in more pain.
Go up to heaven
to a paradiscal rain.

Be free of this torment,
this pain, and this life.
Give into this call,
it's hard to say goodbye.'

He took his last breath,
his journey was through.
I always will miss him,
Until I go home too.

OR...

I sat by his bed,
the words flowing
out.
'Daddy, it's okay
you can leave us
now.

I don't want you
to suffer,
to be in more
pain.
Give up to heaven
to a paradisical
rain.

Be free of this
torment, this pain,
and this life. He
took his last breath.
His journey was over,
it ended his time.

Wow. This was really good. Very deep and sad..

I liked the first one better, actually. I don't know why, I just did. Plus, I really liked that ending to the first one.

I don't have any complaints or concerns...except that you might want to look up the word paradiscal. I liked that description and I think I know what you're trying to say, but I'm not sure that that's the right word. I don't know. It could be as simple as a misspelling.

Great job! Keep writing

Star

I can see emotion and potential in this, but it's not reaching anywhere near the potential that it deserves. The spacing is significantly better in the first version; the second is gimicky.

[spoiler]
I sat by his bed,
the words flowing out.
'Daddy it's okay,
you can leave us now.

I don't want Why is there a stanza break mid-sentence?" It just bothered me...
you to suffer
to be in more pain.
Go up to heaven
into a paradisIcal rain. And suddenly we're rhyming?

Be free of this torment, And again.
this painsecond time, and this life.
Give into this call,
it's hard to say goodbye.'

He took his last breath,
his journey was through.
I always will miss him,
Until I go home too.
[/spoiler]

Eh, there's too little here that really conveys the strong emotion of the moment. This is dealt with in terrible common and clichéd language, (pain/torment/call/journey) and there's no imagery or anything else which might make this more compelling. This is essentially a straight telling of events, this really is a normal passage of prose which is split into stanzas. But there just isn't anything else. Describe the scene for us. Show don't tell. What color was the bed sheet? What time was it? Set your scene, and allude to the action.

As it stands, this really doesn't contain anything of interest.

Two with a different ending. I have to say, I don't like the random use of the word "paradiscal". I seems kinda random and not fitting with the dialogue.

Great work, keep writing!
-KK

I like it. It is sad and very good. Keep writing. I honestly like number two better.

This is beautifully written.
I lost my father two years ago but it was kind of instant. but this still brings tears to my eyes. Its so raw and true. People dont understand the pain of watching your parent die. and this poem captures the raw feelings of someone watching their parent go. I think you should use this in the contest and i hope you win. there is no suggestion i can give to make this better. I love it the way it is.