My Letter 3

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 147
Wrapping my black ACDC towel around my neck—taking a quick whiff of its fabric scent—I scampered off to the bathroom. My friend, Addie, had bought it for my fifteenth birthday. The card was completely blank on the front and on read, “What gets wetter as it dries,” on the inside. I didn’t get the riddle, so I quickly ripped the paper off the fluffy black towel. I brought it to my face then, as I did on the way to the bathroom. It didn’t have the same smell as it did then due to the constant washing.
I turned on the shower faucet and turned back to the mirror. I looked at my body from head to toe. Flashes of images came to mind then. Images of tall, skinny, tan girls walking down the runway, posing for photographs that would be on the cover of fashion magazines the very next day. I shook my head as if that would rid me of the self-doubt attitude. I had enough of that at school.
I opened the door to the shower and quickly stepped out of the cold and into the warmth of the steaming water. I let the water pour over my shoulders for a few moments. That’s when the other, scarier images hit me.
The images of the car being pulled out of the lake, seaweed hanging out the window and water pouring out of every crack. Mothers and fathers of the deceased crowded around the scene, holding each other, crying uncontrollably. Men with the words ‘Coroner’ pasted on their backs carrying away big black leather bags. The bags that held the very few people that loved me.
I counted them. One. This one was slightly larger than the others were. That was Tommy. He was a basketball player, destined to go to the MBA. Two. Addie, sweet innocent, Addie. My best friend. Three. The brains of every operation, Joseph. He was the last one to be dragged into the ambulance.
They were all pronounced dead on the scene.
I could hear the reporter’s voice in my head. “Tragedy hit the town of Falmouth, Massachusetts today. Three teenagers were on their way home from an afternoon at the mall, when they swerved off the road and into the bay. A friend of theirs, who was driving behind them and saw the event happen, called their parents to the scene. We have no word on who that was yet. Todd, back to you. ”
I shuddered and fell against the wall of the shower.
“What’s your name, sweetheart?” an officer asked me.
I remember staring at Addie’s mother. I had been over at her house dozens of times but never appreciated her mother. She was short with curly brown hair. She had a jean jacket and tan slacks; something I bet Addie didn’t want her wearing. Her mother was hunched over, crying into her hands.
I just stood there, observing.
****
At school, I wiped away any thought about last summer. I went through my day like it was normal, like I was normal. I was ignored in my algebra class, history class, Spanish class, and my chemistry class. My English teacher only acknowledged my existence once, only because I hadn’t done the homework from the night before. I trudged my way to health class at the end of the day.
As I sat in my seat, I scanned the room. As usual, the two transfer students were in their seats completely oblivious to the American world. I stared at the door, awaiting the rest of the class. The class couple came in, holding hands. They pecked each other once on the lips before taking their seats. She started giggling about something, and he touched her chin with his finger.
I rolled my eyes and turned back to the door. The bell rang, signaling the start of class, and the teacher walked in. The dreaded Mr. Teacher.
He clapped his hands once and took his seat. He nodded at something he read on his laptop screen and faced the class. The two volleyball players walked in then, talking amongst themselves obnoxious as ever. They didn’t stop to give a pass to Mr. Teacher; oh no, they just walked right on by him and took their seats next to each other.
“Uhh, ladies?” Mr. Teacher said, rolling around his desk towards the students’ desks. He sat in front of one of the volleyball players. She had big blond hair that looked perfect everyday. She was tall, thin…oddly thin. The other was normal size, although she stresses constantly of her knack for working out too much. Her hair was blond as well, except she had her bad hair days like the rest of us mere mortals.
“Sorry,” Ms. Perfect said, her voice calm and confident. “I had to use the bathroom”
Ms. Athlete straightened up in her chair, proud for some strange reason. “Yeah, me too.”
Ms. Athlete was too dense to think for herself. She followed her calorie intake; she made it an exact science. She had to have 1,400 calories a day. She worked out every day after volleyball practice for a half-hour. Ms. Perfect, on the other hand, ate anything she could find and never gained a pound. She was one of the lucky ones.
“Yeah, sure sure.” Mr. Teacher stood up and walked to the door and shut it. “I am way too lenient with you girls. I have to crack down on you.”
“But Mr.—”
Mr. Teacher raised his hand. “Just start writing.”
The couple sitting next to me sighed. They turned to their untouched notebooks, opened them, and wrote the heading. The volleyball twins did the same.
“Ya know, I like doing this journaling thing,” Ms. Perfect said. “It really helps.”
Mr. Teacher nodded. “I’m glad.”
I opened my notebook to an empty page, skipping over the previous day’s rant.
Dearest Mr. Teacher,
I’m not sure why it bothers me so much, but this classroom is such a pain to go to each day. Being able to see the fact that I'm alone, it’s not fun at all. You of all people should be able to understand the feeling of loneliness.
That deep pit in your stomach that just grows and grows with each day. The heartache from being abandoned by everyone that ever loved you. Seeing your life as the pathetic forsaken waste of time that it really is.
Being deserted, as you can imagine, isn't very fun.
They left me alone to endure this asperous life. I don’t think that is very fair.
Do you?
Well, since you only gave us a certain lot of time, and it’s almost up, I think I should bring this entry to a close.
Until tomorrow.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4125
Reviews 194
I liked the structure and the style - not bad at all. I suggest reading it over for the occasional typo or punctuation mistake. Other than that, no need for nitpicking. ^_^

The plot line is a little trickier. I guess outcast girl, normal girl, and popular girl have pretty much all been worn out, become cliche and boring - so the question is, do you want to keep writing about high school drama, or move on to something a little more... more?

I mean, I can understand wanting to write about high school if you go there five days a week for nine months of each year, but is that really the most interesting thing you can think of?

And here's a question I wish I could put up to everyone here at YWS: Why does the MC's family always have to be dysfunctional, broken, or somewhat deceased? Why can't she have other problems, but a good family?

Obviously, some people write abusive/irresponsible parent stories because that's what their house/home is like - even so, is it really impossible to write about someone with a *principally* happy family?

Anyhow, yeah. I liked it, and please excuse the mini-rant thing.

Good luck! I can see you're improving. =D

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1090
Reviews 62
Yay! Part 3! :D

Ok, I picked up on a couple of nitpicks here, but nothing too drastic :P

Addie, sweet innocent, Addie. My best friend.


I'd rephrase this as "Addie, sweet and innocent. Addie. My best friend." but that might be just me.

My English teacher only acknowledged my existence once, only because I hadn’t done the homework from the night before.


Repetition of "only".

Also, wouldn't the people at school perhaps pity her first then go on to ignoring her? I dunno :D

Well thats it! Looking forward to part 4!

happy-go-lucky




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1117
Reviews 80
When the character is hearing what the reporter said, there is an unnecessary space in between the period and final quotation mark. Take that out. And italicize the first quotation mark since not only is the last one italicized, but the entire passage is as well.

And this part's letter is only italicized in the Dear, Mr. Teacher part. Shouldn't the rest of it be italicized, too?

Anyways, I've read this one like three times all ready :D

Ya know I'm here to help for part four proofreading stuffs =]




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 208
Jas-
Man, not knowing her name is seriously killing me! :x

Anyway, is the MC going to have any happiness in her life? Instead of the depressing, one-parent family, no friend life. I mean, teens do or don't have lifestyles like that, but don't you think they should have some happiness or excitement too?

Is the MC going to make any friends? Because her friends died. You'd think that people would move on after so many years.

Oh, the letter she writes in class, is the teacher ever going to read them?

Well, enough with my questions and comments. I'd look forward for the next chapter. :wink:

Pm me for it. Thanks!

-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 10
Hey Jasmine!

Okay, here's what I thought:

1. Your writing, technically and stylistically, was very good - as usual. I got a clear image in my head while I was reading this.

2. This was the one paragraph confused me, although it may just be because I'm uber-tired right now. I had to read it over a couple times before it made sense. Maybe rewrite it?

“Uhh, ladies?” Mr. Teacher said, rolling around his desk towards the students’ desks. He sat in front of one of the volleyball players. She had big blond hair that looked perfect everyday. She was tall, thin…oddly thin. The other was normal size, although she stresses constantly of her knack for working out too much. Her hair was blond as well, except she had her bad hair days like the rest of us mere mortals.

3. I have to agree with Sela a little. You definitely seem capable of a lot more than the run-of-the-mill, misunderstood high school kid thing. I didn't like this chapter quite as much, since you went from some pretty good characterization and an interesting plot to something that seems a little recycled. I don't think you should change the chapter, per se. I do think you should try to have something more distinguishing in the next chapter, though - be it a plot twist, a scandal, or anything of that genre. Incorporate stuff from this chapter into the plot twist - maybe a letter from a pen pal Addie used to have is sent to the girl, who, after not receiving a reply, looked up the address of the friend Addie always talked about. The girl could then write a reply and then accidentally send the letter from class to the pen pal instead of the reply . . . or something like that. Sorry for the random tangent. :oops:

PM me when you get the next one finished! I want more! :D

~Evenstar




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1075
Reviews 842
I found no mistakes, whatsoever, today, and seriously, jazz, I love this story.

It's so raw and real, it's crazy. You write this from the heart of a girl who really did loose everything in that car accident that day. I do feel you could describe what she was feeling more at the time when she remembers it but otherwise, very well done.

PM me when you post more! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



They who talk all day of beauty call all the plain things dirty
— John Darnielle