Gorgon

Hell [was] carved into her head bloody red and puffing
but her dappled smile
reminded me otherwise
of her innocence
and
[her] grossly unaimed fault
of sugarapologies

words are just words she says
-proudly-
displaying her inequity
they can’t not harm she says
unless you give them power

bitterly [i] agree
blue is blue
and
green is grass

black is black she says
unlike my heart she says
still she smiles
Hell carved into her chest

I like this. Just a couple of things:

"they can’t not harm she says" - Shouldn't this be "they cannot harm she says"? Because it's a double negative, and doesn't seem to make sense.

Also, I'm not sure I like the use of [these things] (forgot what they're called). It's an interesting tool, but I'm not sure what purpose it serves.

One other suggestion would be that you take the first line and split it so it looks like this:

"Hell [was] carved into her
head bloody red and puffing
but her dappled smile
reminded me otherwise"

So that the line fits in with the rest of the poem, and the head image is on a separate single line, and I feel this would give it even more impact.

I have to say, I'm not incredibly fond of the use of brackets. What was the point? Was it supposed to add emphasis? If so, why are those particular words--incredibly unassuming in their own rights--emphasized?

Also, the lack of punctuation obscures the meaning and slows the reader down. While you seem to be going for a monotone, eerie, macabre sort of delivery--which, admittedly, the lack of punctuation enhances--you have to balance tone with comprehensibility, yes? Add some more punctuation would be my advice.

The second stanza was very blah, in my opinion; I don't understand the hyphens on either side of "proudly," and the very idea of it isn't exactly out of the realm of cliche, is it?

I do like the third stanza, with its simplicity, and how you've brought the poem full-circle with stanza four. Very nice, especially the juxtaposition of Hell (or sin, however one might like it to be interpreted) in the head and the heart. Lovely.

Wow,

Seriously guys, lots of wonderful, helpful, nice things to say. Except this is an ancient poem and certainly not a good representative of how I write and go about poetry these days. I've grown, just a smidge.

But, thanks all the same.

Ta,
Cal.

i have to admit, it doesnt make much sense to me

lulu

i really like this. i think the unconventional? structure, lack of punctuation, etc lend the poem a sort of honesty. there are no stanzas that i could single out as being better than the others. it all flows quite well.

I have to say, what an interesting poem. I don't really get what your trying to get at (I believe it's a love story?) I agree with Phoebe, I don't really like the use of brackets in a poem. If you want to say "I" than just say it. But, it's poetry. It really doesn't have rules so you can do whatever you feel like doing. I also didn't like how you put proudly between two dashes but, once again, poetry has no rules.

I also believe you should spilt the first line up. It's a bit too long for the flow of the poem and would serve as a more impactful line that way.

Other than that, this was a good poem. You said it's an "ancient" poem. How long ago did you write it?

This poem has its own voice that I like and a certain interesting feel that you don't read nowadays, but with that said... It also didn't make much sense to me. There would be lines that began quite wonderfully (like the opening line, for instance) but would be turned to a mediocre one with the following words that hindered the meanings.

Also, the third stanza seemed a bit random.

But with a little revision it could be something very neat.

Very good, bit confused with some of your choises of wording but really very good

I'm loving how this poem got no reviews for two and a half years, and then all of a sudden recieved seven.

Well, I appreciate the reviews, but I wish the date was looked at.


Sureal,

I know.

*is so confused*

Ta,
Cal.

Your words confuse me.
Maybe it would be more helpful if you revised again.
I love the idea though.
:]