My letter two

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As much as I hated school, I hated going home even more. School was my escape from the horrors that waited for me at my house. I could deal with the stares and snickering behind my back at school, I could even restrain the urge to strangle every teacher around me. But at home, there’s nothing for me there except sorrow, hate, and confusion.
From the moment I walked into my house, I wanted to turn around and run away. My mother was in the kitchen as always. She was smoking a cigarette and flipping threw a magazine. She only glanced up at me as I walked to the fridge.
I sighed at what I saw.
On the disgusting white shelves, there was a half-empty carton of milk, a bottle of salad dressing, a bruised apple, and one can of Coke. I grabbed the Coke and pivoted on my foot. My mother continued to slap the thin pages of her magazine down on the table as I walked away.
My mother’s hair was tied up with a purple scrunchie. She had dyed her hair so many times, I don’t even think she remembers her natural color. Her teeth were crooked and yellow from all the years of smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. She wore shorts and a loose tank top that had been washed about twice in its three years of circulation through her wardrobe. She had on flip-flops that had been mine. I stole them from a department store last summer. She took them from my closet and refuses to give them back.
Our kitchen lacked a dishwasher, so there were week-old cups, plates, and other science experiments stacked in the sink and overflowing onto the counter. I would have to wash them soon because both my mother and I knew that she wouldn’t.
I grabbed my backpack that I had left by the door and went into my closet-sized room. I had the same twin-sized bed that I’d had since before my father left, which was when I was two and a half. I had a small desk in the corner of my room that had stacks of books on and around it. My kleptomaniac life had provided me with several band posters of some of my favorites. There was a poster of Amy Lee and Marilyn Manson, and for some reason I grabbed a poster of Orlando Bloom instead of The Used. I put it on my wall anyway.
I pushed my way through the few stacks of black clothing—also from my klepto life—and threw myself on my bed. I sighed and threw my arm over my eyes. Life couldn’t be this hard for every other teenager. It just isn't possible that every teenager has to go through the same troubles I had to go through. It didn’t seem fair that if I had to go through hell, no one else had to.
I rolled off my bed and fumbled for my backpack. I tore the zipper open and ripped through the tattered bag. When I found what I was searching for, I pushed all of my books that were on my desk to the floor and slapped the stupid pink journal on it. I scrambled through the mess that had been pushed towards the wall for a pen or pencil. I found an earring gauge that I had been looking for. I tossed it over my shoulder and continued to search for something to write with.
Finally finding a half-bitten-to-death pencil, I opened the cover to the first journal entry. I reread what I had written earlier that day. I smiled to myself at how funny some of my comments to him were. Mr. Teacher couldn’t be taken seriously; it was too much effort to even try to do as much.
I grabbed a knife from the faded blue backpack and started carving a point on the pencil as I thought of other things to write in the journal. I couldn’t continue to bash Mr. Teacher’s teaching methods. That would be rude.
I wouldn’t want to be rude.
I bit at the two lip piercings at the right of my mouth. They were called snakebites. They were all the rage the week before I bought them. After I took the two neon green hoops and stabbed my own skin with them, they were considered ‘so last season.’ I didn’t care though; they looked awesome and somehow didn’t get infected.
When I was satisfied with the point of my pencil I drew a small heart in the left corner of the page. I colored it in as black as it would go. Then I continued the entry.

This is my P.S. to you, Mr. Teacher. I hope it doesn’t disappoint.
When I got home today, my mother still didn’t go food shopping. She didn’t clean the house. She didn’t even take a shower. She is a pathetic excuse for a living creature. I honestly don’t blame my father for leaving her. I would too if I had a place to go.
My father left when I was two. I don’t remember it. However, my mom has told me the story as a beddy-time story every night until I was seven.
It was bad between my parents. They always fought. They never fought about me though, always about themselves. They would fight about bills, their relationship, my aunts and uncles. Everything but me.
Do you want to psycho-analyze this for me?
Much appreciated.
Is this what you wanted me to write about in my entry? I’ll remember that for next time.
I love contradicting myself, it makes life interesting.
Well, Mr. Teacher, I really must be off now. I have much homework to do. Not that it matters to the teachers if I do it or not. I have observed that they don’t even notice me in their classroom. I sit in the back corner. Do they even know my name?
Probably not. Why should they?
Until tomorrow—for real this time.
Last edited by jasmine12 on Sat Oct 25, 2008 9:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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Well, just like last time, through the miracle of AIM I have all ready given you my critiques. But for the sake of my review count going up by one, I shall reply. :)

You paint a really good scenery with your words. Most things I read, I have to force a description myself, but you take care of that excellently. I can't wait to see what our character will do... and for that matter, what her name is. :D




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jasmine12 wrote:As much as I hated school, I hated going home even more. School was my escape from the horrors that [s]waited for me at my house[/s] awaited me there. I could deal with the stares and snickering behind my back at school, I could even restrain the urge to strangle every teacher around me. But at home, there’s nothing for me there except sorrow, hate, and confusion.
From the moment I walked into my house, I wanted to turn around and run away. My mother was in the kitchen as always. She was smoking a cigarette and flipping threw a magazine. She only glanced up at me as I walked to the fridge.
I sighed at what I saw.
On the disgusting white shelves, there was a half-empty carton of milk, a bottle of salad dressing, a bruised apple, and one can of Coke. I grabbed the Coke and pivoted on my foot. My mother continued to slap the thin pages of her magazine down on the table as I walked away.
My mother’s hair was tied up with a purple scrunchie. She had dyed her hair so many times, I don’t even think she remembers her natural color. Her teeth were crooked and yellow from all the years of smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. She wore shorts and a loose tank top that had been washed about twice in its three years of circulation through her wardrobe. She had on flip-flops that had been mine. I stole them from a department store last summer. She took them from my closet and refuses to give them back.
Our kitchen lacked a dishwasher, so there were week-old cups, plates, and other science experiments stacked in the sink and overflowing onto the counter. I would have to wash them soon because both my mother and I knew that she wouldn’t.
I grabbed my backpack that I had left by the door and went into my closet-sized room. I had the same twin-sized bed that I’d had since before my father left, which was when I was two and a half. I had a small desk in the corner of my room that had stacks of books on and around it. My kleptomaniac life had provided me with several band posters of some of my favorites. There was a poster of Amy Lee and Marilyn Manson, and for some reason I grabbed a poster of Orlando Bloom instead of The Used. I put it on my wall anyway.
I pushed my way through the few stacks of black clothing—also from my klepto life—and threw myself on my bed. I sighed and threw my arm over my eyes. Life couldn’t be this hard for every other teenager. It just isn't possible that every teenager has to go through the same troubles I had to go through. It didn’t seem fair that if I had to go through hell, no one else had to. This paragraph, I found to be, very real. I was just amazed because when you think about it, every teenager thinks this once in their lifetime. I know I have. I'm glad you put this in here :D
I rolled off my bed and fumbled for my backpack. I tore the zipper open and ripped through the tattered bag. When I found what I was searching for, I pushed all of my books that were on my desk to the floor and slapped the stupid pink journal on it. I scrambled through the mess that had been pushed towards the wall for a pen or pencil. I found an earring gauge that I had been looking for. I tossed it over my shoulder and continued to search for something to write with.
Finally finding a half-bitten[s]-to-death[/s] pencil, I opened the cover to the first journal entry. I reread what I had written earlier that day. I smiled to myself at how funny some of my comments to him were. Mr. Teacher couldn’t be taken seriously; it was too much effort to even try to do as much.
I grabbed a knife from the faded blue backpack and started carving a point on the pencil as I thought of other things to write in the journal. I couldn’t continue to bash Mr. Teacher’s teaching methods. That would be rude.
I wouldn’t want to be rude.
I bit at the two lip piercings at the right of my mouth. They were called snakebites. They were all the rage the week before I bought them. After I took the two neon green hoops and stabbed my own skin with them, they were considered ‘so last season.’ I didn’t care though; they looked awesome and somehow didn’t get infected.
When I was satisfied with the point of my pencil I drew a small heart in the left corner of the page. I colored it in as black as it would go. Then I continued the entry.

This is my P.S. to you, Mr. Teacher. I hope it doesn’t disappoint.
When I got home today, my mother still didn’t go food shopping. She didn’t clean the house. She didn’t even take a shower. She is a pathetic excuse for a living creature. I honestly don’t blame my father for leaving her. I would too if I had a place to go.
My father left when I was two. I don’t remember it. However, my mom has told me the story as a beddy-time story every night until I was seven. You use story a lot here. Try to cut down on that
It was bad between my parents. They always fought. They never fought about me though, always about themselves. They would fight about bills, their relationship, my aunts and uncles. Everything but me.
Do you want to psycho-analyze this for me?
Much appreciated.
Is this what you wanted me to write about in my entry? I’ll remember that for next time.
I love contradicting myself, it makes life interesting.
Well, Mr. Teacher, I really must be off now. I have much homework to do. Not that it matters to the teachers if I do it or not. I have observed that they don’t even notice me in their classroom. I sit in the back corner. Do they even know my name?
Probably not. Why should they?
Until tomorrow—for real this time.


Again, this was so bluntly real, it was amazing. You really are taking a step out and expanding your range :D Good job, jazz! :D

I really have no complaints for this one. Just make sure to "describe" more than "tell". I know, it gets old, but just try to slip more descriptions in there and you'll be good :wink:

PM me when you post more!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Yay! I liked this one even better than the first one. :D

My mother’s hair was tied up with a purple scrunchie. She had dyed her hair so many times, I don’t even think she remembers her natural color. Her teeth were crooked and yellow from all the years of smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. She wore shorts and a loose tank top that had been washed about twice in its three years of circulation through her wardrobe. She had on flip-flops that had been mine. I stole them from a department store last summer. She took them from my closet and refuses to give them back.

I love this description. I think my favorite part was the flip-flop thing. It really tells you about the character. (Also, I think you want "refused" instead of "refuses".

Our kitchen lacked a dishwasher, so there were week-old cups, plates, and other science experiments stacked in the sink and overflowing onto the counter

:) Nice.

I honestly don’t blame my father for leaving her. I would too if I had a place to go.

Your character's getting really interesting. I haven't seen a lot of stories where the character empathizes with the parent that left.

However, my mom has told me the story as a beddy-time story every night until I was seven.

The wording's a little awkward here. I think you want "had" instead of "has". Also, it might flow a little nicer if you have "my mom had told me the whole spiel as a beddy-time story every night until I was seven," just because you used "story" twice in the same sentence. (You probably don't want to use "spiel" though. It was just the first word that popped into my head.)

Very good. I like your imagery. I think you can kind of ease off of the descriptions of how bad she thinks her life is, though. The way you describe the house and her family situation lets you draw the same conclusion without having to spell it out for the reader.

Great job! Let me know when the next one's up. :D

~Evenstar




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Jas-

She had dyed her hair so many times, I don’t even think she remembers her natural color.

Ha! Sounds like me. I've constantly died my hair since 5th grade. But. I do know my natural hair color.

My kleptomaniac life had provided me with several band posters of some of my favorites. There was a poster of Amy Lee and Marilyn Manson, and for some reason I grabbed a poster of Orlando Bloom instead of The Used.

Ha! This also sounds like me. I have band posters everywhere on my walls. God, I love Evanescence. Marilyn Manson, not so huge for. Oh, I have two Orlando Bloom posters, too. (LOTR and Pirates.)

So, I didn't see any major grammar mistakes. The emotions coming from the MC felt real and true, like it's really hitting at you. The sorrow and the pain she feels from everything. With fights from her parents, dad leaving, mom looking trashy, school, etc. It's like you could step into her shoes and see everything she sees. So Jas, you have written this very well.
I do look forward to reading more. Pm me for part three. Oh, and I would like to know her name, but, maybe keeping it a secret will keep the suspense.
-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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Back again :D

Well, this characters life definitely seems to suck a little, but thats what makes the story, right? :D

This is a really good follow-up from the first bit, but there's one thing I really want to know....what's the MC's name? :P

Right on with the nitpicks!

My mother’s hair was tied up with a purple scrunchie. She had dyed her hair so many times, I don’t even think she remembers her natural color.


You used the phrase "my mother" in the previous paragraph so maybe just leave it as "her"? Also theres repition of "hair" here so perhaps make this into one sentence altogether?

However, my mom has told me the story as a beddy-time story every night until I was seven.


This might be just me, but something about the wording doesn't quite sound right. maybe try rephrasing (e.g. However, my mom told me it as a beddy-time story every night until I was seven)?

Looking forward to part 3!

happy-go-lucky




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Thank you everyone!!!!!

I'm about to post the third part.

I'm not exactly sure how much longer this is going to be yet. still deciding in my head.
The name is going to be revealed at the very end. I know, I know cliffhanger. *sighs* They are what I'm best at.
Well, I should have some new material coming out soon because, well life experience and all. WOO!

Haha, okay so go check out the third part!! HARSH REVIEWS ACCEPTED!
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched



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