Another Love Poem

Yes, this is my love angst poem. Mind though, it is the only one. I thought that I'd post it for the fun of it.

From the very start
It was true love,
I knew you held my heart,
Surely you were sent from above,
Cupid had played a part.
You had to be a fallen angel,
Perfect in everyway
Your voice was like a bell
Your eyes were the color,
Of the sky.
Every time I looked at them
I swear I could fly,
I was at your every whim
My best was all I could try,
Your hair shone like the sun
It always dazzled me,
I was like a child that runs
To catch it, but that will never be.
It never has been done,
I will be the first to see.
Your love was like a vine
It wouldn’t let me go,
I tried to let it die
But the love was there,
No matter how hard I tried
I love you even now.
Maybe, we could be again together
For you I would bow,
For us to be together forever
I love you still,
And I think, I always will.

Ok, first off, Kaylyn, I stink at editing. But, I liked this poem, so I just had to review.
That was really good. The description and the way you worded it gave me a picture of this guy in my head and what type of person he was.
Good job, and keep it up!

hey, this one didn't really impress me. it was good, but it needs to flow better, it almost seems like you forced yourself to put a line the doesn't flow with the line before, but it rhymes. Sorry if that's confusing. But as always, keep writing!

Courtney, slow down on the smilies! So many....
Thanks for letting me know how you feel about it...
*sniffle* JK

This poem shows a lot of love and thinking on the narrator's part. My favorite part was when you said that the love was there and that you'd tried to let it die. The part shows how deep a love can be and how far it can go. I like the similes concerning his eyes and his hair. This makes me think (me being very imaginative) of a guy who is gorgeous to you no matter what anyone else says. This is a hidden message.

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This poem needs a lot of revising.
I think it's really cliched and the rhyming sounds forced too.

Sorry, but it really did not appeal to me much. Maybe you could give a new structure. Try free verse, I have a feeling that it will be good for this theme.

But you're probably in love for real .... so all's fair in love and war. Even poems.

Kaylyn wrote:From the very start
It was true love,
I knew you held my heart,
Surely you were sent from above,
Cupid had played a part.
You had to be a fallen angel,
Perfect in everyway
Your voice was like a bell
Your eyes were the color,
Of the sky.
Every time I looked at them
I swear I could fly,
I was at your every whim
My best was all I could try,
Your hair shone like the sun
It always dazzled me,
I was like a child that runs
To catch it, but that will never be.
It never has been done,
I will be the first to see.

i was going to give this a line-by-line but decided against it because this whole portion is the exact same thing repeated over and over again. i will tell you however that it is VERY cliched (shining like the sun / lover as beautiful as an angel, ooh how original).

you can do two things with this section
1) scrap it entirely and replace it with "you're beautiful and perfect and omg i love you!!!!!!"
2) replace every cliche you can find with something that actually sounds beautiful and moreover has some weight to it.

When I moved away,
I cried all the time
I couldn’t see you everyday,
Your love was like a vine
It wouldn’t let me go,
I tried to let it die
But the love was there,
No matter how hard I tried
I love you even now.

then this isn't true love, because true love changes over time and this has undertones of some kind of condition. is the theme of this poem "i didn't actually love you but it was just a crush, oh well"? that's really what its sounding like so far. if that's true, then be honest and say somewhere in this poem that it was nothing serious.

Maybe, we could be again together
For you I would bow,
For us to be together forever
I love you still,
And I think I always will.

utterly disappointing ending. its...a fairytale ending, really, and after all that you mentioned earlier, i was expecting something realistic to connect the audience with your plight. instead, you just claim that someday your true love will ride up on a big white horse and take you away to his castle, the end. you leave the reader literally hanging in suspense and the poem falls apart at every seam just because of this.

in general: if this is a serious poem, against my suspicions, then please please take out the trite cliches and start introducing some sort of conflict besides the fact that you moved, because that is no inner conflict at all. you did have an inner conflict in there somewhere but it was poorly done and so i couldn't relate to it until i had forced myself to undergo a seperation from the thematic line of the poem. that should never happen. good luck.

It sn't exact;y a fairytale ending. They don't get back togather. Well, thanks for the crit on everything Galerius. It was a bit helpful. I know that its a angst love poem. I felt intitled to post one. Well see you around. You always are seeming to find my work!

Galerius gave this poem a savage and completely true critique, this website needs to stop being so kind to angst filled teenage poems about a love that not one of us can really understand. It's mush and its a waste of time to post these kinds poems with no artistic merit whatsoever.

Everyone can resist my assertion that these sickening love poems are fine to post. And I have no argument except one of taste and my personal prejudice against poetry without artistic or aesthetic potential.

I have no qualms against a poet trying something new and failing, that is admirable and should be encouraged, but this tripe(and i speak of all of this kind of tripe on this website) should be discouraged.

Of course I can't stop people from posting whatever they want, and I wouldn't want to, I am not a censor. But there is an argument to self censorship. I have endless awful unpublishable literature that I may personally favor but I don't post it because it has very little to present the world, and I wouldn't want to force people through reading it.

Now for a positive remark of sorts.

As far as the sickening teenage love poem goes this is better than most.

And don't take this as a call for you to stop writing, keep it up. Keep it right up.

I'm new at poetry, anit can be annoying I know that it can be annoying to read. They are all in the poetry section. But...I couldn't resist. This isn't my best piece of poetry. Try Poetry Fight. Its alot better and original.

This is a very gorgeous poem. I like the way you rhymed than stopped rhyming but the beat and flow still kept' the same. I like this poem I hope to see many more in the future thank you for giving us all this piece.

I liked to point out some parts.

From the very start

It was true love,

I knew you held my heart,

Surely you were sent from above,

Cupid had played a part.

I love how you start at the beginning of it all almost story like a bit I think we could agree.

You had to be a fallen angel,

Perfect in everyway

Your voice was like a bell

Your eyes were the color,

Of the sky.

That right there is just crazy absolutely insane on how perfectly that was written honestly. That skill you demonstrated in those 4 lines are possibly a keystone of your piece. Now that i've seen that line your piece I dont think I could take the poem without it. Its beautifully and simply detailed I love it.

I will be the first to see.

Your love was like a vine

It wouldn’t let me go,

I tried to let it die

I like the little bit of conflict like him trying to get away but still being dragged back and wanting to love him or her but not being able to and trying to flee the love.

For you I would bow,

For us to be together forever

I love you still,

And I think, I always will.

Couldn't of asked for a better ending good rhythm and you started the poem with the start of the love. As you finished it the same.

Very beautifull

This poem was so emotional it made me strangely happy. It was so well-written and the rhyming was spot-on.

Your love was like a vine
It wouldn’t let me go,
I tried to let it die
But the love was there,
No matter how hard I tried
I love you even now.

This was my favourite line and, strangely enough, in my case, it's 100% true.