Knife of Purest Intent - Chap. 1

I kept this short, because shorter pieces generally lead to more reviews. So I hope you like what there is. If I have enough positive feedback, I'll probably continue...


Chapter One

She was staring at me with the eyes of the Devil. I could sense her across the room, could feel her heat and her intensity. She knew what I was, just as I knew what she was. I stared down at my drink for a moment more, before lifting my head and returning her glare. I tilted my chin rebelliously, and her eyes narrowed.
The cool metal of the knives strapped to my body was comforting, and I crossed my arms, hands slipping slightly into the sleeves of my leather jacket.
The demon had stood, but when she saw where my hands were, she stopped dead in her tracks. A low hiss whistled out between her teeth.
“And they’re tainted with holy water,” I said in a low voice, knowing she could hear me. I smiled pleasantly as she blanched.
The demon moved away, walking between the empty tables and heading for the door. Ah. She was a Just Released. A demon years old would not have turned away at the mere threat of my knives.
I flexed my arms before swigging down the rest of my liquor. Jim, the bartender, saw the look in my eyes. He moved away uneasily, washing a glass. “Leaving, Nic?” he asked me. I threw a couple of bills down on the counter.
“See you tomorrow.”
He nodded, moving even farther away. He never asked about what I did, but then again, he didn’t have to. Whenever I got the certain look in my eyes that he learned to recognize, bodies would turn up in the city. Jim wasn’t stupid—he must have known part of what was going on. But he never turned me in, and in return, I made sure his business stayed strong by bringing all my family and fellow hunters in.
The door slammed against the outside wall when I opened it, but I wasn’t trying to be quiet. She was getting into a car, her movements clumsy in her anxiety. She heard the door slam, looked up.
Those Devil eyes met mine again, and she started the car with a roar. I simply stood there as she squealed out of the parking lot.
You only have a few more moments to exist, girl, I thought as I watched her speed down the highway. Enjoy your last few moments of life. I was sending her to a place that even Satan himself couldn’t reach: Obliteration. Nothing. Even Hell wouldn’t be an option for her when I was done.
Moving leisurely, I swung onto my bike, and turned the key in the ignition with a slow, anticipating smile. My knives were tingling, as if they, too, were excited for the events to come.
I followed her onto the highway, the engine of my baby a loud purr. She had disappeared from sight, but once I caught the scent of a demon, I never let it go. She was heading east, back into the city. Think you can hide, girly? I grinned.

I stared down at my drink for a moment more, before lifting my head and returning her glare.

You shouldn't need the comma.

The demon had stood, but when she saw where my hands were, she stopped dead in her tracks.

I don't like the first part of this (everything else was fine). Maybe you could change it to something like, "The demon had been stalking closer," because you say she stopped, but you also said she was just standing, so how could she stop?

Jim, the bartender, saw the look in my eyes.

I didn't know he was in a bar until this point. You may want to make that point earlier by describing the surroundings more or making the bartender known earlier, or whatever.

Moving leisurely, I swung onto my bike, and turned the key in the ignition with a slow

When you said this I got a picture in my head of Mr. Bad Ass here getting on a red bicycle with the little bell thing on the handlebar. Then when I read the ignition part, the two images kind of clashed into a weird mix up. Even though it was funny in my head, you should probably change "bike" to "motorcycle". You can call it a bike later, but for now you should just change it to help me ascertain what it exactly is.

Overall this was pretty good. I liked your descriptions, and it was an interesting read. You could do more to describe the demon, though. I don't really have much of a clue what she looks like. Even Nic's physical description only went to his leather coat. Other than that, you did pretty good, finding the median between too little and too much description. Anyway, good job.

Mike:

Nic is a girl... I'll have to make that more clear, I guess.

As to detail, and all that - this is an extremely short chapter. I intend to work all that important stuff in soon. There's only so much I can do within this short space

Thanks for the review. Very helpful.

I like this. Surprisingly, it made me want to keep reading. Not many other people on these forums have done so.

One thing that I found wrong was that you left out what the whole thing was about. What I mean is, you left out him killing the demon! It's just like taking a book, ripping out the last 30 pages and telling them to read it.

Nonetheless, I liked it.

Actually, I thought Nic was a girl at first (i don't remember why, though... Something in your writing), but I have a guy cousin named Nick, so I guess anything similar to the name makes me think 'boy'. So it may just be me.

KJ wrote:I kept this short, because shorter pieces generally lead to more reviews. So I hope you like what there is. If I have enough positive feedback, I'll probably continue...

Kels, another new story?! Ah, you're killing me! lol JK! *off to read....

Chapter One

She was staring at me with the eyes of the Devil. I could sense her across the room, could feel her heat and her intensity. She knew what I was, just as I knew what she was. I stared down at my drink for a moment more, before lifting my head and returning her glare. I tilted my chin rebelliously, and her eyes narrowed.
The cool metal of the knives strapped to my body was comforting, and I crossed my arms, hands slipping slightly into the sleeves of my leather jacket.
The demon had stood, but when she saw where my hands were, she stopped dead in her tracks. A low hiss whistled out between her teeth.
“And they’re tainted with holy water,” I said in a low voice, knowing she could hear me. I smiled pleasantly as she blanched.
The demon moved away, walking between the empty tables and heading for the door. Ah. She was a Just Released. A demon years old would not have turned away at the mere threat of my knives.
I flexed my arms before swigging down the rest of my liquor. Jim, the bartender, saw the look in my eyes. He moved away uneasily, washing a glass. “Leaving, Nic?” he asked me. I threw a couple of bills down on the counter.
“See you tomorrow.”
He nodded, moving even farther away. He never asked about what I did, but then again, he didn’t have to. Whenever I got the certain look in my eyes that he learned to recognize, bodies would turn up in the city. Jim wasn’t stupid—he must have known part of what was going on. But he never turned me in, and in return, I made sure his business stayed strong by bringing all my family and fellow hunters in.
The door slammed against the outside wall when I opened it, but I wasn’t trying to be quiet. She was getting into a car, her movements clumsy in her anxiety. She heard the door slam, looked up. This sentence is awkward. Try to reword.
Those Devil eyes met mine again, and she started the car with a roar. I simply stood there as she squealed out of the parking lot.
You only have a few more moments to exist, girl, I thought as I watched her speed down the highway. Enjoy your last few moments of life. I was sending her to a place that even Satan himself couldn’t reach: Obliteration. Nothing. Even Hell wouldn’t be an option for her when I was done.
Moving leisurely, I swung onto my bike, and turned the key in the ignition with a slow, anticipating smile. My knives were tingling, as if they, too, were excited for the events to come.
I followed her onto the highway, the engine of my baby a loud purr. She had disappeared from sight, but once I caught the scent of a demon, I never let it go. She was heading east, back into the city. Think you can hide, girly? I grinned.

All right, as you can see, I found only one little mistake, and it wasn't even a mistake at that. Just a suggestion. You should be used to that by now

Now, about the whole thing, I'm kind of iffy on it. On one hand, the new idea is a good prospect. Haven't read anything like it. That's a plus in itself But on the other hand, the shortness of this really just bothered me. I guess this is how YWS is but I would at least lenghten a little.

About the plot, you have a good idea, but like Mike said, try to describe it more. What you have is good but you could expand even more.

Okay, kels, I'm sorry, but the MC did sound like a boy I know, you meant it to be a girl but just her rough actions came off that way. You don't have to change it, of course, but maybe just mention something like her long hair or some guy checking her out. That way, you can keep her rough ways but still keep her a girl hehe

Anyway, hope to see more of this!

I like this. I like the title, I think that's what drew me to read. I'm not sure how But I could tell the MC was a girl really early but others probably won't be able to so show she's a she some how early on in the story.
Overall I think you should continue with this as I think it could be really good.