Jump

I wrote this for a challange I came across online. I was really sursprised when I finished because I havn't written anything for months (to the point where I almost gave up) and this just seemed to flow out of me.
I know it's not the best. Helpful comment would be wonderful. I really want to improve.

Jump
~As soon as Milly Gray stepped off the school bus, she knew she wasn't going to fallow her post-school routine. No, she needed to think. And there was only one place proper for such deep thinking. The trampoline. Click click click. Her feet seemed to be counting down the steps until they would be freed from their pinchy prison know as high heels. Any woman who could wore them on a daily base was crazy.

Milly walked down the sidewalk to her townhouse home. Two houses up she could see a dark blue mountain bike. She smiled. Dillon was home. She was still sad they had to start the high school so far apart. She went to the local public school and his grandparent were paying for him to go to privet school across town. But seeing each other at the end of the day, exchanging stories, laughing at each others simple woes, almost made up for it. Making it a point to sigh, Milly knew she couldn't stop for him today. This was a problem she needed to figure out on her own. She looked up long enough to flash him a sad smile. He'd understand. But he made it so hard to keep walking, sitting on his porch waiting for her. Pushing forward, Milly rounded the corner and headed for her backyard. And there it was. Looking so abandoned and forgotten. Given the amount of years between uses, this was no surprise. With her brother at collage Milly rarely pay it a visit. Except days like this. She set her backpack aside and climbed on the trampoline. Delicately removing her shoes with her feet, she knew for sure she had blisters. She would check them later, she noted. Right now she needed to concentrate. She positioned herself in the center of the black netted material and laid down.

It had been a very big day. She had left home with a plan. Change clothes at school into something more...flattering. Pray that one of her crushes noticed. Get asked to the dance. Live happily ever after.

Stupid girl.

Of coarse showing some cleavage would get her attention. She should of been more suttle. Now both of her main targets had asked her to the dance. She knew the logical choice was to just tell one yes and the other no. But this was not a decision to take lightly. Upperclassmen had made it clear who you go with sets the tone of the rest of your high school career. Go with a nerd, become a nerd. Go with a popular, become a popular. But both boys had very different pros and cons. Dave was very cute, but a player. And Chris was very charming, but had a lot of baggage. This was going to take a long time.
Milly stood up. This was going to take some brain stimulation. She started off bouncing lightly, not letting her feet leave the surface just yet. Why did boys have to be so frustrating?

Jump.

Dave was well known in school, so going with him would make a statement.

Jump.

But Chris was smart and part of a lot of clubs. So maybe going with him would set a higher standard with other boys.

Jump.

This would be so much easier if Dillon just went to the public school like a normal kid. She wouldn't doubt her decision for a second if he had asked her.

Jump.

Dillon was pretty much her best friend. Nobody understood her like he did. He was always there during the best and worst times of her life.

Jump.

If fact, she would probably have more fun at one of his long lost movie nights, with the lights turned low and big fluffy blankets everywhere to protect them from the chilly air in his basement, then at the stupid dance.

Jump.

Landing on her butt, Milly took a moment to let the bounce die out from her landing before complementing herself on one of the best ideas of her life. She got off the trampoline and for a spilt second, considered retrieving her high heels from the ground. Laughing out loud at the thought, She ran barefoot down the sidewalk to Dillon's house. Her sudden burst in energy almost made her miss the wooden steps leading to his door. She knocked on his door with more force than she probably needed. How could it of taken this long to figure out? Maybe it was going to separate school that delayed her discovery. Or maybe separation made the heart grow fonder. It didn't matter.
"Oh. Hi." Dillon said stepping out of his house. "I thought you were made at me." He paused and closed the door behind him.
Milly smiled at the irony. "No, I wasn't mad. I just had a lot on my mind today."
"Ah. So what was on you mind?" He asked.
"Glad you asked." Milly took hold of Dillon's shoulders and raised herself up on her tip-toes to match his height. Smiling, she took advantage of his confusion and gently kissed him.
"I was wondering" She said through her growing smile." Wanna watch a movie on Friday?"~

Ohh, I really like this! This is so accurate! Mine is almost like this too. I really like this!

Please PM when you post the next chapter!

-Krisy

Your story was excellent. All you need to do is fix some grammatical and punctuation errors.

"With her brother at collage Milly rarely pay it a visit."
I believe you meant, "With her brother at college, Milly rarely paid it a visit."

"in his basement, then at the stupid dance."
It should be than, not then. Then is for time, ex - this happened then that happened
Than is used for comparison, ex - She is more like her father than her mother.

" 'I was wondering' She said "
When you have a "she said, he said" breaking up the dialect, you put a comma
ex - " ' I was wondering,' she said" and you have a lower case on she.

Anyway, I loved your story. Keep it up.

Okay, i love where this story was headed, and it's a great story indeed.
Now forgive me i do sound way harsher than my intentions actually are meant, so bare with me!

Have you ever heard of SHOW NOT TELL? Well, i understand this story is in her mind, her personal thoughts, so you can't exactly dialogue it all. But there's room for you to improve the story by cutting out 'she did this she thought this she she she' and replace it with sentences like so:
Instead of "She set her backpack aside and climbed on" you could do: The stiff springs groaned as her weight forced them to extend, her backpack making a soft thud on the grass beneath her.
A reader would have to assume she's A) climbed onto the trampoline, and B) she is no longer holding a backpack. This is much more interesting writing than simply telling the reader she dropped the backpack and climbed on. You can get away with it on occasion though, but you could be so much more descriptive in the way i suggested.

People like to think things, have suspense, assume things, and develop the story themselves to a certain extent. Yours leaves little to the imagination, and it's pretty much just 'she did this then this and this'. it'd be magical if you italicized her thoughts like...
Instead of : She went to the local public high and his grandparents were paying for him to go to private school across town
Try: Damn his rich grandparents, why couldn't mine afford to send me to private school? and then to clearly mark her attitude toward it, add 'she thought soberly/angrily/spitefully/disgustedly.
Do you sort of see the difference? It makes the story so much more interesting.
You've portrayed the confused attitude of a teen girl torn between 2 choices, but you could make her even wilder with worry, your character feels rather too relaxed, but her worry is there, just she doesn't feel to me to be as worried as she should be... if that makes sense

I love the story, these are just simple little nitpicks i think would turn your story into a brilliant bestseller

Just remember, it's better to SHOW not TELL.

I cannot wait until the next installments, if you're going to add more.

OHH and remember, because you said grandparents... later on in the story explain his parental absence, or your readers who pay attention to the finer details will be left wondering are they dead? did they leave? is he adopted? are they in jail? etc

Remember - SPELL CHECK! It is your LIFELINE. So easy, yet you appear to have bypassed it, and not because of american-british spelling either.

It is your friend, so use it. Ignore fragment blahdiblah i hate it most of the time, but there were so many mistakes to do with spelling.

Remember to check the suggested correction is actually the one you're aiming for - try synonyms as well just to do a final check, because sometimes words look like the one you wanted to spell but aren't, as you did with a few words hehe.

THANK YOU! That exactly what I needed. All your points came across loud and clear. I have no one at all to nitpick for me. The fact I pulled this out at all amazes me. And thank you for the editing you did. It really means a lot.
Now maybe I'll have some courage to post something else.

[s]Hey, Neena, can you remind me to get back to this. Like a PM or something because it looks really good but I have to go so I don't have time for it.

Just PM me to remind me to come back to this when I come back on. And to save this spot hehe

Thanks! [/s]

I'm back! And thanks for the reminder!

Neena wrote:Jump
~As soon as Milly Gray stepped off the school bus, she knew she wasn't going to [s]fallow[/s] follow her post-school routine. No, she needed to think. And there was only one place proper for such deep thinking. The trampoline. Click click click. Her feet seemed to be counting down the steps until they would be freed from their pinchy prison know as high heels. Any woman who could [s]wore[/s] wear them on a daily base was crazy.

Milly walked down the sidewalk to her townhouse home. Two houses up she could see a dark blue mountain bike. She smiled. Dillon was home. She was still sad they had to start the high school so far apart. She went to the local public school and his grandparent were paying for him to go to [s]privet[/s] private school across town. But seeing each other at the end of the day, exchanging stories, laughing at each others simple woes, almost made up for it. Start new paragraph here Making it a point to sigh, Milly knew she couldn't stop for him today. This was a problem she needed to figure out on her own. She looked up long enough to flash him a sad smile. He'd understand. But he made it so hard to keep walking, sitting on his porch waiting for her. Pushing forward, Milly rounded the corner and headed for her backyard. And there it was. Looking so abandoned and forgotten. Given the amount of years between uses, this was no surprise. With her brother at collage Milly rarely pay it a visit. Except days like this. She set her backpack aside and climbed on the trampoline. Delicately removing her shoes with her feet, she knew for sure she had blisters. She would check them later, she noted. Right now she needed to concentrate. She positioned herself in the center of the black netted material and laid down.

It had been a very big day. She had left home with a plan. Change clothes at school into something more...flattering. Pray that one of her crushes noticed. Get asked to the dance. Live happily ever after.

Stupid girl.

Of coarse showing some cleavage would get her attention. She should of been more suttle. Now both of her main targets had asked her to the dance. She knew the logical choice was to just tell one yes and the other no. But this was not a decision to take lightly. Upperclassmen had made it clear who you go with sets the tone of the rest of your high school career. Go with a nerd, become a nerd. Go with a popular, become a popular. But both boys had very different pros and cons. Dave was very cute, but a player. And Chris was very charming, but had a lot of baggage. This was going to take a long time.
Milly stood up. This was going to take some brain stimulation. She started off bouncing lightly, not letting her feet leave the surface just yet. Why did boys have to be so frustrating?

Jump.

Dave was well known in school, so going with him would make a statement.

Jump.

But Chris was smart and part of a lot of clubs. So maybe going with him would set a higher standard with other boys.

Jump.

This would be so much easier if Dillon just went to the public school like a normal kid. She wouldn't doubt her decision for a second if he had asked her.

Jump.

Dillon was pretty much her best friend. Nobody understood her like he did. He was always there during the best and worst times of her life.

Jump.

If fact, she would probably have more fun at one of his long lost movie nights, with the lights turned low and big fluffy blankets everywhere to protect them from the chilly air in his basement, then at the stupid dance.

Jump.

Landing on her butt, Milly took a moment to let the bounce die out from her landing before complementing herself on one of the best ideas of her life. She got off the trampoline and for a spilt second, considered retrieving her high heels from the ground. Laughing out loud at the thought, She ran barefoot down the sidewalk to Dillon's house. Her sudden burst in energy almost made her miss the wooden steps leading to his door. She knocked on his door with more force than she probably needed. How could it of taken this long to figure out? Maybe it was going to separate school that delayed her discovery. Or maybe separation made the heart grow fonder. It didn't matter.
"Oh. Hi." Dillon said stepping out of his house. "I thought you were [s]made[/s] mad at me." He paused and closed the door behind him.
Milly smiled at the irony. "No, I wasn't mad. I just had a lot on my mind today."
"Ah. So what was on you mind?" He asked.
"Glad you asked." Milly took hold of Dillon's shoulders and raised herself up on her tip-toes to match his height. Smiling, she took advantage of his confusion and gently kissed him.
"I was wondering" She said through her growing smile." Wanna watch a movie on Friday?"~

All right, I liked how this flowed and stuff, but at the same time...I feel like we are missing vital information to this. I want to know more about Dillon and Milly's past together. I want to know more about this boys that asked her out. Stuff like that. If this is a short-story piece, than it works! But if you plan on expanding, I would use this as a prologue or something instead of a first chapter.

But, all in all, it was good. I thought you had all the right elements for a good story. The only thing that kind of irked me was her changing clothes to show clevage to get asked out. That seems really shallow and kind of...slutty to me. I don't mean that rudely either, and I know girls do it, but maybe try to make her sound more innocent than you did. Unless that what you said is what you were aiming for. If so, just ignore this whole comment

Hope this helped!

This piece was great....but you might want to work on grammer like when dillon says "i thought you were mad at me" he says made instead of mad so just simple thing like that go throughout the chapter. other than that the piece was perfect

Thank you to everybody who gave advice so far. I'm soaking it all in haha.
Yes, grammar and spelling are my weakest points. I'm trying to improve but, it never seems to click.
So far this is the only chapter I have planned. If anything else comes to me, you guys will be the first to know
Again, thanks so much! If anyone has anything else to add, don't be shy!

Yes, there are quite a few grammatical and spelling errors that have been pointed out already.

I like the part when she's jumping on the trampoline and contemplating. I liked when you wrote "jump" on cue- it was very effective.
I also liked the end dialogue, because at first I thought she was going to ask him to the dance but it was cool the way you ended it that way.
Oh and was that 'gentle kiss' on the lips? I'm guessing there's going to be some romancing going on with the best friends innit?
Also, I agree, don't spell out everything that's going on and hold back some more, okay?
Post more 'cus other than the spelling and grammatical errors this was pretty good!