you need to be free

I probably shouldn't love you, i should stick to what i know.
But baby please kiss me, one last time, before you go.

You're standing at the station, waiting for the train to arrive,
You don't want a journey, you want to survive.

Hunger eating at your stomach, need controlling your spine.
I'm your prey ,but you're the trapped one, you don't even know it, your mine.

Your brain says its in control, but your mind is a maze.
You can see clearly, but you stumble, as if in a daze.

You take a step, moving in, near my side.
Caught in the spotlight, out in the open, you need to hide.

Wrong it may be, at the last moment you realise,
The truth begins to take shape amongst all the lies.

You don't need to love me,
You need to be free.

Well, that is quite intriguing. The wishing is great, truly, and the way you phrased it is quite impressive. If it's dedicated to someone, wait for enormous applause =).
No offence, but it has lack of rhythm... When I'm reading it, I just lose the point sometimes. It's like there is no connection between the parts, like there just statements on their own. It's impressive, really, and I liked the imaginations. Just the "connections" should be worked out a bit... Sorry if I'm too harsh.

Aust.

although this poem relates to me in several ways, and although i do appreciate the effort, i think that you're a bit off. you could use some better wording, and a bit more cohesiveness... also, the flow kept getting interrupted... individually, the lines were good, but they seemed to be put together poorly. i do think that the last line was quite good, simple yet somehow profoundly wise. keep it up, keep posting, listen to critique, and all the problems will be sorted out.
-zalarus

O_O
it's interesting...
the way you put it all together is reaaaaaaaally beautiful and i liked it. :]

but, don't take it personally, it's only an advice, the whole idea of the train, the station etc, isn't new...
i mean, the poem itself is beautiful but the idea of it isn't, it's not special or something (i can't explain)...

in my opinion,
you should show it to the guy you wrote it for,
he'll understand it better than me.

I like this, this is nicely written.

I am also re-attempting poetry soon
so I'm looking around for inspiration

and This was very inspirational.



GREAT JOB.

heya, thanks for all the responses, i will take it all on board.
This was my first attempt at poetry,so thanks for the helpfull advice.

cheers, jones

heya, thanks for all the responses, i will take it all on board.
This was my first attempt at poetry,so thanks for the helpfull advice.

you should show it to the guy you wrote it for,
he'll understand it better than me.

It was written for a girl, she probably wouldn'understand, haha.

Anyway, cheers, jones