Poison Love - Chapter 6

17 posts1, 2

What should the baby's name be/

  • Alex 8%
  • Aubrey 58%
  • Adara 25%
  • Adrian 8%

Total votes: 12

User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 250
Chapter 6
I wanted to bang the phone down on the desk. I couldn’t, wouldn’t, believe the words she just said to me.

“What?” I asked her again.

“Your mate. He is arriving earlier than excepted,” Odette said carefully into the phone. My grip on the phone tightened, causing it to crack in protest. The secretary shot me a look, and loosened my grip.

“When is he arriving?” I asked as I turned away from the older woman, who kept on glancing at me.

“Um…today,” she said in an uneasy voice.

“What?” I whispered, fiercely.

“He is arriving today,” Odette said. “You will have to pick him up after practice.”

“Why can’t he take a taxi or something?” I muttered.

“Elizabeth,” Odette warned.

“What?” I snapped.

“Nothing. I will see you later. Bye,” she said before she hanged up on me. I growled at the phone, before giving back to the secretary. How dare she hint that I have to be nice to him? I thought as I glaring at the phone. The secretary looked uneasy at me.

“You can return to class now,” she said, shooing me away. I walked out of the office and return to the classroom. I stayed into there, thinking about my mate. Why the hell is he coming so early then schedule? What the hell is the council up to? I thought furiously thought entire lesson. When bell rang, I left calculus. The hallways were full of students walking to their next class. Whenever someone brushed up against me, I fought myself to stay in control of my urges. I was heading to my last class of the day, which was chemistry, I walked to the lab and took my spot with my lab partner. The bell rang a minute later as the teacher walked in.

The teacher gave the assignment and we started work on it. I kept messed up in the class because my mind was elsewhere, but my partner didn't seem to mind. An hour later, the class ended with the bell. Students packed up their bag as fast as they can like if it were some race or something like it. The teacher wished a good day and we all clutter to the door. I eventually got out of the classroom and went to the car first. I switched my backpack for my fencing gear. Immediately afterward, I headed to the gym and the girls’ locker room, which was decorated in the school’s colors: blue, sliver, and yellow.

I changed in my practice uniform, which was: a white shirt, white pants, a plastic chest protector, a white jacket, socks and a pair of fencing shoes. I would have added a little something to my uniform but I wasn't allow too and plus it could have gotten me kick off the team. I was fixing my hair into a low ponytail, when a fellow teammate, Ashley, came up to me.

“So, do you know who are sparring against today?” she asked, her voice squeaky. I looked at her. She was dressed in the same fashion as I in the hidious white uniform.

“No, but I hope that practice is short today. I have to do something afterwards,” I said as I began to pull on my gloves. I grabbed my practice sabre from my bag and walked out of the girls’ locker room, into the gym.

Mats were placed on the floors so we wouldn’t damage the floor with our shoes. I stepped over them as I made my way over to the bulletin board that had the post of who was our practice partner for the day. I quickly found my name and followed the line to the right. I froze when I saw the name. Today was not my day.

Adam was my partner. Well, this is going to be interesting I thought. Two advanced fencers, going head to head.

Ashley saw my face and asked, “what? Don’t like your partner? Who is it?” Without waiting for a reply, she looked at the board anyway. “OMG! You have Adam as your partner, lucky girl.”

No, I’m not I thought as our coach walked. He was a tall, muscular type of man. The baseball cap covered his black hair. He was dressed in shorts and t-shirt, which was ideal for a hot gym in the afternoon. A whistle showed around his neck as he walked to the center and faced us.

“Alright, I’m sure that you have looked up your name and found your partner today. Today’s practice will be a short one. Here are today’s rules: you and your partner will have three one-on-one battles with each other and the best who has two out-of three will win. Clear?” he asked

“Clear,” all of the team members shouted back.

“Alright. Take your places,” he said. I walked over to the far mat and took my place on the left side. Adam took his place on the other side.

“Did you set this up?” I asked as I walked to the center,

“No. I didn’t even realize that you were on the team!” he shouted in shock. I shrugged it off. “Please believe me. I would have never set you up like this.”

“Shut up, and walked out here,” I gritted out. I wasn’t in the best mood for this kind of game because: one) my mate is arriving today and two) this was the boy that had ask me out, without even knowing me, earlier today. Adam walked to the center. We shook hands, and then put on our mask. We saluted each other and crouch down. All of the pairs waited for the coach to give us the “go”.

“Ready….Aller!” he shouted. It had rung through the whole gym. Adam quickly ran forward, thrusting at me with his sabre. Carefully, I dodged each blow by quickly move my feet backwards and blocking with my sabre. When he was worn out, I rapidly change into my favor by thrusting my sword straight to his mid-section, earning me the win.

Adam acknowledged the hit with a nod of the head. We turned back and turned toward each other again. We saluted each other once more and began the fast pace dance. He was being smart by playing defensive this time while I attacked, but he slipped up on his foot work causing him to lose again. I landed a blow on his chest, right above his heart.

“Hart, Grey! You are both done for the day,” the coach shouted at us. We backed away from each other and bowed. I took off, heading to the girls’ locker room. Inside the locker room, I change out of my practice uniform into my regular clothes. I packed everything up and headed out. When I reached the door, Adam shouted out to me.

“Hey wait!” he shouted as he ran to catch up with me. I humor him by stopping. In a minute, he was by my side, crouching over to catch his breath. A second later, he popped up.

“Why did you tell me you were on the fencing team?” he asked.

“It didn’t seem important enough and beside you should know who is on your team,” I stated.

“Point taken…. um…so, what are you going to do now?” he asked as he looked down, like an embarrassed school day. That irked the hell out of me.

“None of your damn business!” I snapped at him. He looked at me with wide eyes.

“Jeese, I was just asking. Don’t have a hissy fit,” he said. I took a deep breath and try to clam down.

“I’m sorry. I just got some news that upsets me,” I said as I looked away.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked. I looked at him like he was crazy or something. “Listen, I am sorry I put you on the spot at lunch and especially sorry that I ask you out. You were right, I mean we only met yesterday and here I am, some boy you really don’t know, asking you out. I would like to be your friend,” he said as he looked at me. He held out his hand for me to shake. I was getting a bad vibe about it, but what the hell.

“Friends then,” I said as I took his hand and shook it. Over his shoulder I saw Ashton and Adelicia walking down the hallway towards us. I pulled my hand away.

“Well, I will see you tomorrow,” I said as I walked out of the building. Adam followed me.

“Why are you following me?” I asked.

“My car is out this way too, you know,” he said.

“Oh,” I said as a red tint stained my cheeks, “Wait, car? I thought you rode a bike.”

“That’s for the weekends only,” he grinned.

“Ah. I can understand that,” I said as I looked over my shoulder. Ashton and Adelicia were keeping their distance and didn’t disturb us. I turned forward to see Adam walking over to a sleek 2007 ford mustang. He threw his gear into the trunk. He opened the driver’s side door and folded his arms over to the top.

“Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow,” he said, smiling. I smiled back, feeling drawn to him. He crawled into the driver and revved up the engine. I stepped back and got out of the way. He waved as he took off and I found myself waving back.

“Stop that. You look like a fool,” Adelicia said as she came up behind me. My hand dropped. She’s right I thought.

“Come on. We have to go to the airport,” I said as we walked over to the frontier. Ashton and Adelicia stopped as I tossed my gear into the back.

“He’s here already? But I thought he wasn’t suppose to come for couple of weeks!’” Adelicia shouted.

“Change of plans,” I said as I climbed into the back seat. They threw their stuff in the back. Ashton closed the back as Adelicia went to the passenger door. She climbed in as Ashton got into the driver’s seat. He started the car and drove off. He drove to the airport, which was a 45-minutes drive. They didn’t speak to each other or listen to music on the way.

Ashton pulled into a parking space and turned off the car. We left the car and walked toward the airport.

“When Odette, I am sure she is the one who, called. Did she tell you the flight number?” Ashton asked as we walked into the airport. A chilly sensation hit me as we entered and then I knew.

“There will be no need for that,” I said as I looked to left. There he was. Dressed in black slack with a black t-shirt stretching over his huge chest, there stood my mate. As we walked over, his feature came familiar to me. His black eyes and black spiky hair. I stopped about a foot away, my eyes widening with shock.

“Oh my god! Ethan!” I said. He smiled that familiar smile.

“How is it going, Elizabeth?” he asked.
Last edited by Night Mistress on Sun Nov 16, 2008 2:34 pm, edited 6 times in total.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 208
Hey, everyone. i hope you enjoy the long await chapter six. I will have another poll here soon to help me determine the name of the baby, who will be in the next chapter.

Yeah! Chapter six...here I come!! Oh, cool. Baby names.


“He is arriving today,” Odette, said, “you will have to pick him up after practice.”

I don't think you need a comma after Odette. Well, I think you don't, anyway.

I thought thru the entire lesson.

I think you're looking for through then thru.

I headed to the gym and the girls’ locker room, which was decorated in the school’s colors: blue, sliver, and yellow.

No offense here, but yellow?

I changed in my practice uniform, which was: a white shirt, white pants, a plastic chest protector, a white jacket, socks and a pair of fencing shoes.

Um, lots a white here. Wait, I guess they wear that for fencing, huh?

“Listen, I am sorry I put you on the spot at lunch and especially sorry that I ask you out.

Haha! I totally remember that.

“Oh my god! Ethan!” I said. He smiled that familiar smile.

“How is it going, Elizabeth?” he asked.

Who's Ethan?

Bri-
Well, besides my comments, you're defiantly gonna have to let us know a little about Ethan. Is there any history between those two?
Um, nothing much I can say, else. Pm me for chapter seven, kay?
-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 250
Merry:

Ethan and elizabeth's History will be explain in the next chapter.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 927
Reviews 36
OMG! Love this chapter! I can't wait till chapter 7! Ohh, a past love story with Ethan and Elizabeth orrrr they use to be best friends??? I NEED TO KNOW!

You do have a few grammar mistakes, you might want to read your work.

Other than that this is really good! I love this story! Please PM when chapter 7 is up!
"I'm yet happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -Stephen Chbosky




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4125
Reviews 194
Okay, I don't know if English is your first language, but there were oodles of tense mistakes in this chapter. You went from past to present and present to past about seventeen times. That really trips up the reader, and any sort of excitement I might have felt about knowing her 'mate' was coming that day got completely ruined by the switches, back and forth and back and forth again. Dx

Now, other than that, there wasn't a lot of punctuation problems. Maybe a few commas where there shouldn't have been, but a read-over or two will fix that. On to the characters/plot/etc.

Vampire Romance?!

Wow, this is an awkward story. See, the most embarrassing thing about it is that I know personally of another story (on YWS, in the Romance topic) pretty much just like this one - only it's called 'Poisoned Roses'. Sad, yes?

When you're trying to write a vampire story (especially a Romance), make sure it's not so much like Twilight, or any of the other stupid books out there likened to Twilight. It quite simply is the end of your story. It's like making a beautiful garden (the garden being your imagination) full of labyrinths and exotic trees/plants, and then running a bulldozer through the whole thing. It just lays waste to it all.

The characters are unsurprisingly flat, and the plot is so over-used that you can see the tread marks. Yes, she's secretly a vampire. Of course she's attractive. Obviously there are two guys fighting over her. Duh, she can't decide. And is it surprising that they're both extremely hot and funny and nice? Nope.

To be completely honest, I'd say throw it out. Not because you couldn't make something like Twilight (which most consider a great book - not me) because you have enough talent to do that. But because you can. Because then it ruins all the fun of making a story. All the ground rules and ideas have been laid out, nothing is left to the imagination. The plot twists are discovered and expected beforehand, the characters so well-known that they almost trigger your gag reflex.

And I would go over every character individually, but I think I can encompass everyone right here: boring, obvious, tiring, cliche, and flat.

Not because you don't have any talent. But because this is just like every other vampire romance, just like every other 'stunningly beautiful' love triangle.

So, to be fair to all things original, please change this or get rid of it completely. It doesn't serve any purpose but to give one the impression of someone shouting out, "Look, everyone! I can't think for myself! I don't ever consider using my imagination! See? See?!"

Whatever you do, I just hope you'll do it well, and not worry about your story being 'weird', instead of expected and boring. Isn't the whole point of stories to introduce cool new ideas?

Good luck, Miz Night.

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 250
Sela Locke:

I appreciate you looking at my work, but do not insult my idea. So what if it's a vampire romance? i plan to make it unique to myself. Just because one writer used the idea, doesn't mean it can't be repeat again.

And English is my first language. Don't Insult my work. i don't insult yours, so i suspect you will get me the same respect back.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1075
Reviews 842
Night Mistress wrote:Chapter 6

I wanted to bang the phone down the desk. I couldn’t, wouldn’t, believe the words she just said to me.

“What did you just say?” I asked her again.

“Your mate. He is arriving earlier than excepted,” Odette said carefully into the phone. My grip on the phone tightened, causing it to crack in protest. The secretary shot me a look, and I loosened my grip.

“When is he arriving?” I asked as I turned away from the older woman, who kept on glancing at me.

“Um…today,” she said in an uneasy voice.

“What?” I whispered fiercely.

“He is arriving today,” Odette said, “you will have to pick him up after practice.”

“Why can’t he take a taxi or something?” I muttered.

“Elizabeth,” Odette warned.

“What?” I snapped.

“Nothing. I will see you later. Bye,” she said before she hanged. I growled at the phone, before giving back to the secretary. Wait, why would she say that and then say nothing?? I would try to put Elizabeth's thougths more into perspective here and if she hears something in Odette's tone that suggests what she means, you know?

“You can return to class now,” she said, shooing me away. I walked out of the office and [s]return[/s] returned to the classroom. I stayed [s]into[/s] in there, thinking about my mate. Why the hell is he coming [s]so early then schedule[/s] earlier than expected? What the hell is the council up to? I thought [s]thru[/s] through the entire lesson. When [s]The[/s] the bell rang [s]and[/s] comma I left calculus. [s]I headed[/s] Heading to my last class of the day, which was chemistry comma I walked to the lab and took my spot with my lab partner. The bell rang a minute later as the teacher walked in.

The teacher gave the assignment and we started work on it. This last sentence is way too much telling. Try to describe more here. An hour later, the class ended with the bell. You use bell to signal the end and beginning of class too much. Maybe use the clock instead or something. Switch it up :wink: The teacher wished a good day and we left the classroom. I went to the car first and switched my backpack for my gear. Immediately afterward, I headed to the gym and the girls’ locker room, which was decorated in the school’s colors: blue, sliver, and yellow.

I changed in my practice uniform, which was: a white shirt, white pants, a plastic chest protector, a white jacket, socks and a pair of fencing shoes. I was fixing my hair into a low ponytail, when a fellow teammate, Ashley, came up to me.

“So, do you know who are sparring against today?” she asked, her voice all perky like. I looked at her. She was dressed in the same fashion as I was.

“No, but I hope that practice is short today. I have to do something afterwards,” I said as I began to pull on my gloves. I grabbed my practice sabre from my bag and walked out of the girls’ locker room, into the gym.

Mats were placed on the floors so we wouldn’t damage the floor with our shoes. I stepped over them as I made my way over to the bulletin board that had the post of who was our practice partner for the day. I quickly found my name and followed the line to the right. I froze when I saw the name. Today was not my day.

Adam was my partner. Well, this is going to be interesting I thought. Two advanced fencers, going head to head.

Ashley saw my face and asked, “what? Don’t like your partner? Who is it?” Without waiting for a reply, she looked at the board anyway. “OMG! You have Adam as your partner, lucky girl.”

No, I’m not I thought as our coach walked. He was a tall, muscular type of man. The baseball cap covered his black hair. He was dressed in shorts and t-shirt, which was ideal for a hot gym in the afternoon. A whistle showed around his neck as he walked to the center and faced us.

“Alright, I’m sure that you have looked up your name and found your partner today. Today’s practice will be a short one. Lucky for her! :D Here are today’s rules: you and your partner will have three one-on-one battles with each other and the best who has two out-of three will win. Clear?” he asked

“Clear,” all of the team members shouted back.

“Alright. Take your places,” he said. I walked over to the far mat and took my place on the left side. Adam took his place on the other side.

“Did you set this up?” I asked as I walked to the center,

“No. I didn’t even realize that you were on the team!” he shouted in shock. I shrugged it off. “Please believe me. I would have never set you up like this.”

“Shut up, and walked out here,” I gritted out. I wasn’t in the best mood for this kind of game because: 1) my mate is arriving today and 2) this was the boy that had ask me out, without even knowing me, earlier today. Adam walked to the center. We shook hands, and then put on our mask. We saluted each other and crouch down. All of the pairs waited for the coach to give us the “go”.

“Ready….Aller!” he shouted. It had rung through the whole gym. Adam quickly ran forward, thrusting at me with his sabre. Carefully, I dodged each blow by quickly move my feet backwards and blocking with my sabre. When he was worn out, I rapidly change into my favor by thrusting my sword straight to his mid-section, earning me the win.

Adam acknowledged the hit with a nod of the head. We [s]turn[/s] turned back and [s]turn[/s] turned toward each other again. We [s]salute[/s] saluted each other once more and began the fast pace dance. He was being smart by playing defensive this time while I [s]attack[/s] attacked., but he slipped up on his foot work causing him to lose again. I landed a blow on his chest, right above his heart.

“Hart, Grey! You are both done for the day,” the coach shouted at us. We [s]back[/s] backed away from each other and [s]bow[/s] bowed. I took off, heading to the girls’ locker room. Inside the locker room, I change out of my practice uniform into my regular clothes. I packed everything up and headed out. When I reached the door, Adam shouted out to me.

“Hey wait!” [s]he shouted as he[/s] He ran to catch up with me. I humor him by stopping. In a minute, he was by my side, crouching over to catch his breath. A second later, he popped up.

“Why [s]did[/s] didn't you tell me you were on the fencing team?” he asked.

“It didn’t seem important enough and beside you should know who is on your team,” I stated.

“Point taken…. um…so, what are you going to do now?” he asked as he looked down, like an embarrassed school day. That irked the hell out of me.

“None of your damn business!” I snapped at him. He looked at me with wide eyes.

“Jeese, I was just asking. Don’t have a hissy fit,” he said. I took a deep breath and [s]try[/s] tried to clam down. Yeah, I feel like her hissy fit wasn't right for what they were talkin about. I would tone it down just a bit :wink:

“I’m sorry. I just got some [s]new[/s] news that upsets me,” I said as I looked away.

“You want to talk about it?” he asked. I looked at him like he was crazy or something. “Listen, I am sorry I put you on the spot at lunch and especially sorry that I ask you out. You were right, I mean we only met yesterday and here I am, some boy you really don’t know, asking you out. I would like to be your friend,” he said as he looked at me. He held out his hand for me to shake. I was getting a bad vibe about it, but what the hell.

“Friends then,” I said as I took his hand and shook it. Over his shoulder I saw Ashton and Adelicia walking down the hallway towards us. I pulled my hand away.

“Well, I will see you tomorrow,” I said as I walked out of the building. Adam followed me.

“Why are you following me?” I asked.

“My car is out this way too, you know,” he said.

“Oh,” I said as a red tint stained my cheeks, “Wait, car? I thought you rode a bike.”

“That’s for the weekends only,” he grinned.

“Ah. I can understand that,” I said as I looked over my shoulder. Ashton and Adelicia were keeping their distance and didn’t disturb us. I turned forward to see Adam walking over to a sleek 2007 ford mustang. He threw his gear into the trunk. He opened the driver’s side door and folded his arms over to the top.

“Well, I guess I will see you tomorrow,” he said, smiling. I smiled back, feeling drawn to him. He crawled into the driver and revved up the engine. I stepped back and got out of the way [s]of the way[/s]. He waved as he took off and I found myself waving back.

“Stop that. You look like a fool,” Adelicia said as she came up behind me. My hand dropped. She’s right I thought.

“Come on. We have to go to the airport,” I said as we walked over to the frontier. Ashton and Adelicia stopped as I tossed my gear into the back.

“He’s here already? But I thought he wasn’t suppose to come for couple of weeks!’” Adelicia shouted.

“Change of plans,” I said as I climbed into the back seat. They threw their stuff in the back. Ashton closed the back as Adelicia went to the passenger door. She climbed in as Ashton got into the driver’s seat. He started the car and drove off. He drove to the airport, which was a 45-minutes drive. They didn’t speak to each other or listen to music on the way.

Ashton pulled into a parking space and turned off the car. We left the car and walked toward the airport.

“When Odette, I am sure she is the one who, called. Did she tell you the flight number?” Ashton asked as we walked into the airport. A chilly sensation hit me as we entered and then I knew.

“There will be know need for that,” I said as I looked to left. There he was. Dressed in black slack with a black t-shirt stretching over his huge chest, there stood my mate. As we walked over, his feature came familiar to me. His black eyes and black spiky hair. I stopped about a foot away, my eyes widening with shock.

“Oh my god! Ethan!” I said. He smiled that familiar smile.

“How is it going, Elizabeth?” he asked. Whoa! She knows her mate?! Another twist, Bri!? lol


Okay, everything looked right to me except for the middle with her exchange with Adam. It went too fast. Slow it down. Add detail, ect.

I'm sorry I can't give you a longer overview but I have to get off the internet.

Good work! and PM me when the next chapter comes out! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4125
Reviews 194
I certainly am not trying to insult either. Usually people who switch tenses like that have learned a different language first, that's all. And I don't think that your story itself is lame, just the idea of a dead person falling in love at all.


-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4495
Reviews 228
Cool! I like the story so far!
Its not the same as "poisoned roses"
Both stories are excellent.
Your plots seems to be heading in its own, unique route.
I hope you'll come up with something that will shock us all :D
But as they suggested, maybe you might to elaborate more, give more detailed descriptions,
Just enough so that we can make out their character better.
But on the whole, I am absolutely delighted with your story :)
Hey Sela,
English is my first language,
But sometimes I have tenses, punctuation and spelling errors too.
Perhaps your tone when you explained was not so pleasant.
I was quite... taken aback too, not insulted.
Of course I understand you are trying to help everyone out,
Constructive critism.
I must admit, You're a senior writer and only 13 years old (if that is your real age)
Thats really impressive :)
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 250
I have post the poll. please vote if you want to parpicate.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 147
I wanted to bang the phone down the desk. I couldn’t, wouldn’t, believe the words she just said to me.

“What did you just say?” I asked her.

I think you missed 'on' before 'the desk' and the repitition of 'just say' here is kind of awkward.
~~~~~~~~
“What?” I whispered fiercely.

Whoops. Forgot a comma after whispered.
~~~~~~~~
“He is arriving today,” Odette said, “you will have to pick him up after practice.”

Here the second comma isnt nessesary. it should be a period after 'said'
~~~~~~~~
she said before she hanged.

Kinda left us hanging here. Missing a word at the end?
~~~~~~~~
I stayed into there, thinking about my mate.

Awkward.
~~~~~~~~~
I thought thru the entire lesson.

Thru? and i would use 'fummed' instead of 'thought' it just shows how ticked of she really is.
~~~~~~~~~
The bell rang and I left calculus. I headed to my last class of the day, which was chemistry. I walked to the lab and took my spot with my lab partner. The bell rang a minute later as the teacher walked in.

Here you are really telling us and not showing us. yes she walked, but how was she feeling? what was she seeing? Was the hall crowded? Was it completely vacant?
~~~~~~~~
The teacher gave the assignment and we started work on it. An hour later

Yo, speed demon! Talk about the class a little. Was it hard for her to concentrait?
~~~~~~~
, the class ended with the bell.

Pointing out the obvious. Did everyone rush to the door only to get stopped in a large line waiting to leave?
~~~~~~
I changed in my practice uniform, which was: a white shirt, white pants, a plastic chest protector, a white jacket, socks and a pair of fencing shoes. I was fixing my hair into a low ponytail, when a fellow teammate, Ashley, came up to me.

This is dry. Where is her rebel kick ass attitude? She can't possibly like wearing all white.
~~~~~~~
she asked, her voice all perky like.

reword this. 'all perky like' doesnt flow.
~~~~~~~
She was dressed in the same fashion as I.

Again, your kind of pointing out the obvious here. Hidious fashion?
~~~~~~
“OMG! You have Adam as your partner, lucky girl.”

Oh-Em-Gee?
~~~~~~
“Shut up, and walked out here,” I gritted out. I wasn’t in the best mood for this kind of game because: 1) my mate is arriving today and 2) this was the boy that had ask me out, without even knowing me, earlier today. Adam walked to the center. We shook hands, and then put on our mask. We saluted each other and crouch down. All of the pairs waited for the coach to give us the “go”.

I wouldnt do this type of listing. but if you like it, write out the numbers.
~~~~~~
“Why did you tell me you were on the fencing team?” he asked.

She didn't
~~~~~~~~



Woohooo. Awesome chapter.
Left us hanging though.
A couple of mistakes. And a few i didnt point out but you can find them.
You are doing slightly better with not making ur characters sound like robots, but it could always use some work.

Well, pm me when you get chapter seven up!!!
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 250
Jasmine:

Thanks for reading. i can see your point on a few of the things and i will go in tomorrow to fix them.

as for the white uniform, well, I'll just wait to explain that in the chapter.

cherrio.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 147
I love the additions.
You did a lot better with the punctuation. I saw a very few mistakes.

You has some double words.
When she was in her classroom, the 'thought' sentence, you repeated the word 'thought'

Some of your paragraphs are a little bit choppy and could use some rewording. just read this outloud and whatever sounds funky, rework.

Okay, hoped i helped this second time around.

Bye

--Jazz
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 250
Jas:

thanks for coming back and looking at it again. You helped me tje first time, so hopefully you will help me a second time when i re-read it aloud to myself. i will leave a message when i made the changes.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 208
The secretary shot me a look, and loosened my grip.

I think you're missing an I after and.

she said before she hangedup on me.

Space between hanged and up.

I kept messed up in the class because my mind was elsewhere, but my partner didn't seem to mind.

It's either, kept on messing up or kept messing up. Either one. 'Cause it's messing not messed.

Students packed up their bag as fast as they can like if it were some race or something like it.

This sentence doesn't make sense. Try rewording it and then see if it works.


She was dressed in the same fashion as I in the hidious white uniform.

Oh, it's hideous.

Ashley saw my face and asked, “what? Don’t like your partner? Who is it?”

Wouldn't the W in what be capitalized?

I humor him by stopping.

Add ed right after humor.

he asked as he looked down, like an embarrassed school day. That irked the hell out of me.

Embarrassed school day? Maybe you're looking for school boy.

I took a deep breath and try to clam down.

Calm down. Not clam.

“I’m sorry. I just got some new that upsets me,” I said as I looked away.

News. Add the S.

Dressed in black slack with a black t-shirt stretching over his huge chest, there stood my mate.

Add a S after slack.

Bri-
That's all the grammar mistakes I found. Just the minor ones. :wink:
Well, I look forward for chapter seven. Pm me when you post it. Thanks!
-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<



Man is by nature a political animal.
— Aristotle