Bitter Beauty

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This style is a bit different from what I usually do. Tell me what you think.


My mother is a jealous creature, driven by vanity and a lust for power like no other creature I had, or ever would meet again. She had every right to be vain, she was beautiful. Soft features, wide green eyes, delicate curling blonde hair. Oh yes… she had every right to be vain. When I was a very young child I was pretty and charming, the people adored me. I had a beautiful set of eyes, green and blue at the same time, a friend of mine would later name them “sea foam”. I was a beautiful child, and my mother showed me off like a precious gemstone rather than a young daughter.

As I grew older my adorable charms faded, my body grew too tall too quickly; stretching me out so all of my childhood curves became nonexistent. My head became too large for my pencil thin neck, my teeth didn’t grow in quite right, and my body was lanky and grotesque. My mother had always told me that curves are beauty, and beauty is power, I took that state of mind with me for far too long. As these changes took place my mother smiled, she knew her position of power was secure.

I had three older step sisters, each very pretty in her own way. All three were modest girls, covering what little curves they had with over sided sweatshirts and jeans. Jeans so big on them that sometimes they had to roll the bottoms and pin them to keep from tripping. My mother never saw them as a threat; they would never have the confidence to threaten her.

But there was me, I was the child that went to bed a swan and woke an ugly duckling (ahh but we all know how the story of the ugly duckling ends). She paid little attention to me after I grew out of my child hood beauty, for I was not worth the attention any longer. I kept to my room, preferring to read than be ignored. I lost myself is stories of beautiful women losing their hearts to beautiful men. I became infatuated with the idea of love, almost obsessive. I watched the pretty girls in school as the boys drooled for them. I watched them, and I learned the art of jealousy.

I sat before the mirror for hours studying my sharp angular features, my flat stomach, my pale skin, my jagged smile. I was still missing a few teeth from when my baby teeth fell out; my father promised me that when they grew in, my smile would straighten itself out again. I held little faith. My father was a good man, strong and sensible, and always smiling. He always had a kind word for his daughter, and I was in his eyes at least, the most beautiful creature that ever lived. My father loved me very much.

As lovely as my father’s adoration was, I wanted more. I wanted her to see me and love me for who I was, an intelligent blossoming young woman. Still she did not look, choosing to close her eyes over than seeing her hideous child. No, she would not claim me, at the time I did not understand. I would learn.

Beauty is not only power, not to my mother. My mother saw beauty as everything, the only truly important aspect of life. In time I would share her opinion. In time, her opinion would rule my life.
Life is for living.




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I really did like this piece and spotted no miatakes....there were a couple of occasions where you could have sused a semicolon as opposed to a comma but in the end, a lot of the time that is subjective...

Your style of writing and content reminded me of one of my favourite authors, Virginia Andrews...this is most definitely a good thing. You say this isn't your usual style but maybe it should be!

Since there are no mistakes I have spotted are a few of my favourite bits!

my mother showed me off like a precious gemstone rather than a young daughter.


Good imagery, well done

My mother never saw them as a threat; they would never have the confidence to threaten her.


Nice insight in to the character here!
Olivia
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If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...




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Hey!

This was a really interesting piece, are you going to turn it into a longer story or something?

The only mistake I noticed was:


I lost myself is stories of beautiful

-Just in instead of is there :)

Ok as it stands its really good so you could keep this as it is, but I really think you could make this into something much bigger. You already have such good character development, and the character of the mother has been writtenr eally well already.

Can you PM me if you write any more of this?

All the best,
Meevs
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Hmm. I'm not sure what to think of this piece. I got to the end and I was like..."Well then. Where was that supposed to go?" I feel like nothing was resolved--the piece was an info dump, and then it ended. Regardless of the quality of the writing, it's not interesting. So I wonder what direction you want this to go in. Once you figure it out, please give it a good nudge in that direction.

The tone bugs me. You said it's not your style, and I can tell that you're a little uncomfortable with it. I hear it in my head as though it's True Hollywood Story but being read by some dull English dude narrating a six-hour documentary. The emotion isn't coming through because it sounds so scripted, but your reader would much rather have a real person. Unless, of course, your narrator is a dull English dude, but I don't think that's true.

My mother is a jealous creature, driven by vanity and a lust for power like no other creature I had, or ever would meet again.
Here's an example. The description of the mother as a "jealous creature" adds to that scripted feel, almost pretentious. It's also a telling statement as opposed to showing, which this piece suffers from a lot. I said it felt like an info dump...that happens because the piece is mostly, "This person is like this, and this person is like this." And you have some fantastic lines like this one...
I lost myself is stories of beautiful women losing their hearts to beautiful men.
...but it doesn't make up for the fact that the story is mostly narrative babble. Where's all the action?
So yeah. I'm not a huge fan of the style of this piece. The general idea is interesting, but the manner in which you brought it to us is not so.

As a side note, beware the word "very". I believe it was Mark Twain who said that every time you want to write 'very,' you should write 'damn' instead so your editor will take it out.

Colleen
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."




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I will work on avoiding the word "very" from now on, lol old habit I suppose.

I will also work on the emotions of the piece, like I said, I am kinda trying something a bit new, so I am still rough around the edges here. Thanks for your honesty (knew I could count on you :))
Life is for living.




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Hey! I got here, eventually. Sorry for the wait :wink:

(ahh but we all know how the story of the ugly duckling ends)

I didn't really like this, not in brackets anyway. They just break the flow, and the 'we' is almost too personal, telling us what we know. I would simply take away the brackets and reword it slightly, so it reads:
'but then everyone knows how that story ends.'
Just my personal opinion ^^

little curves they had with over sided sweatshirts and jeans.

Over sized

My mother had always told me that curves are beauty, and beauty is power, I took that state of mind with me for far too long.

Interesting insight into the mother's mind... and how it affects her daughter. Great.

I like this, and I think you have done well in setting up the main character's ideas about beauty and life. You say it's a new style? I think you've pulled it off nicely. It reads almost like a prologue, or at least setting up for the main story- are you continuing with this?

You've addressed some major issues of today- it seems too many are obsessed with appearance. And the way you've presented it is believable, I would just suggest adding some emotion. Often teenage girls are very illogical and emotion driven- especially ones with body image issues. Make sure you add the emotion factor in your story too.



Beauty is not only power, not to my mother. My mother saw beauty as everything, the only truly important aspect of life. In time I would share her opinion. In time, her opinion would rule my life.


I like this. It foreshadows a change in her that sounds interesting, makes me want to read more. I think it's also the part that makes me think of this as a prologue.

Overall, you have done this rather well. Once you work emotion in, possibly to later parts, you have a solid base for what could be an interesting story. Well done ^^

-Nutty
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.




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OverEasy wrote:This style is a bit different from what I usually do. Tell me what you think.


My mother is a jealous creature, driven by vanity and a lust for power like no other creature *I don't know how "I had" fits in here. It's a bit confusing), or ever would meet again. She had every right to be vain, she was beautiful. Soft features, wide green eyes, delicate curling blonde hair. Oh yes… she had every right to be vain. When I was a very young child I was pretty and charming, the people adored me. I had a beautiful set of eyes, green and blue at the same time(.) A friend of mine would later name them “sea foam”. I was a beautiful child and my mother showed me off like a precious gemstone rather than a young daughter.

As I grew older my adorable charms faded(.) My body grew too tall too quickly(,) stretching me out so all of my childhood curves became nonexistent. My head became too large for my pencil thin neck, my teeth didn’t grow in quite right, and my body was lanky and grotesque. My mother had always told me that curves are beauty, and beauty is power. I took that state of mind with me for far too long. As these changes took place my mother smiled, she knew her position of power was secure.

I had three older step sisters, each very pretty in her own way. All three were modest girls, covering what little curves they had with over sided sweatshirts and jeans. Jeans so big on them that sometimes they had to roll the bottoms and pin them to keep from tripping. My mother never saw them as a threat; they would never have the confidence to threaten her.

But there was me, I was the child that went to bed a swan and woke an ugly duckling (ahh but we all know how the story of the ugly duckling ends). She paid little attention to me after I grew out of my child hood beauty, for I was not worth the attention any longer. I kept to my room, preferring to read than be ignored. I lost myself is stories of beautiful women losing their hearts to beautiful men. I became infatuated with the idea of love, almost obsessive. I watched the pretty girls in school as the boys drooled for them. I watched them, and I learned the art of jealousy.

I sat before the mirror for hours studying my sharp angular features, my flat stomach, my pale skin, my jagged smile. I was still missing a few teeth from when my baby teeth fell out; my father promised me that when they grew in my smile would straighten itself out again. I held little faith. My father was a good man, strong and sensible, and always smiling. He always had a kind word for his daughter, and I was in his eyes at least, the most beautiful creature that ever lived. My father loved me very much.

As lovely as my father’s adoration was, I wanted more. I wanted her to see me and love me for who I was, an intelligent blossoming young woman. Still she did not look, choosing to close her eyes over than seeing her hideous child. No, she would not claim me, at the time I did not understand. I would learn.

Beauty is not only power, not to my mother. My mother saw beauty as everything, the only truly important aspect of life. In time I would share her opinion. In time, her opinion would rule my life.




This is a really interesting piece. It's different and there is some pretty decent foreshadowing here. But I think the main thing that should be changed here is to show and not tell. The author is telling to much when they should be painting an image for the reader. While reading this I'm hearing, not seeing. Hearing is what readers do when they can only listen to what is told. If you want more attention to this piece then you must illustrate an image for them. Make them see a movie. You have to remember that the reader can only see what you show them. The reader cannot see what you're thinking or seeing unless you show it to them. Remember to show them ^^


<3 Namine
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




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I'm feeling a re-telling of a fairy tale, am I? Something like "Snow White", amirite?

Nah, I could totally be wrong, but this is really what I'm feeling. Is this going anywhere more? You've set up the motivations for a character. Now what is that character going to do with them? This really feels like a prologue and I'd like to see what kind of story would follow it. As is, it feels unfinished.

Agreeing with Nutty that the one instance of brackets feels a bit out of place and there are ways to incorporate that text into the story body without the use of parentheses. Personally, I intensely dislike the use of brackets in stories. There are just many more elegant ways to do it.

Anyway, I feel like this review is worthless, but the piece was really short and others have pointed out the grammatical nitpicks. I feel as though I have little to work with. But I had to tell you that I like the idea so far and would love to see where you are going with it. If you were to continue this, however, bear in mind that you will definitely want to have the character acting, rather than telling, the story. For a prologue or a foreword by the character, this type of telling voice is fine if done right and with a purpose, but a longer story or novel in this quickly loses its readability.

In any case, this intrigued me so far. Would you PM when you post more, if indeed you are going to post more?

Write on!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
— Oscar Wilde