Pure of Heart ^_^

There is a myth that 1,000 years ago a unicorn appeared at the edge of our little town, Mayden. It ran through the houses and streets, dodging people and leaving a trail of fresh flowers wherever its hooves touched.

A girl of about sixteen climbed out of bed sleepily, woken up by all of the commotion outside. She stepped out onto her porch in just her nightgown; no shoes or robe accompanied her. The rest of the people in her town scrambled, looking for a frantic explanation as to why the unicorn had disturbed their peace.

The girl walked to the Town Centre; she didn't know why, but something had drawn her there, something out of her own power. It was there the unicorn skidded to a halt, its nostrils flared, ears perked and facing the girl. She was entranced; the beauty of the unicorn exceeded that of any exquisite flower, god or goddess. The townspeople around the Centre stopped and stared. No one tried to interfere--they didn't want to see the powers of the unicorn when it was angry, and it would surely become angry if someone tried to take the girl away from it. Only one man could not help himself. It was her fiance.

He took a step towards the girl, who still faced the unicorn. The unicorn lifted its head, averting its gaze from the girl's. It stared at the man who interfered, a dangerous spark in its beady eyes, ears laid flat against its head. The unicorn pawed the ground, smoke rising from where its hoof hit. It lowered its pearly horn towards the man, threatening to charge. The man stepped back in the crowd that had now formed, astonished. Why didn't she move? Why didn't she escape? The unicorn calmed immediately, facing the girl once again. The girl raised her hand, towards the unicorns muzzle. The unicorn placed its muzzle in her palm, and the girl smiled, a certain longing in her eyes. She walked closer to the unicorn, hugging its pearly white neck, burying her face in its pure white mane, hiding the tears that fell from her eyes. They both disappeared in a flash of white light, a small whisp of smoke left in their wake.

When the mayor of the town intterogated the girl's parents, all they said was that she was pure of heart, mind and body.

Laurence laughed and his blue eyes sparkled as the town's old storyteller became bombarded with questions for this new story he had told. Laurence himself had heard this story many times before, but it was the first for many of these young kids. Even though he was considered too old for the fairytales the old man told, he still loved to hear them, which is why the storyteller often sat on a stump outside the blacksmiths', where Laurence was apprenticed.

"Where did she go?"

"Why would the unicorn be so mean?"

"What happened to the girl?"

"What was the girl's name?"

The old storyteller chuckled, running his shaking hand through his diminishing gray hair. "Well, children," he croaked, "No one knows where the unicorn had taken the young maiden, or why it even chose her in the first place. The girls' family knew that this story would be told over and over again, so they asked their storyteller to never mention her name. It has been long forgotten, died with the people who knew her. That's enough stories for one day; go run along and play." The children did as they were told, and the old man made an effort to stand.

Laurence helped him up and asked, "Was that the only time the unicorn ever showed up around here?"

The storyteller nodded his head. "Yes, dear boy. The only time. Now, go and finish your job here; I'd rather not get you in trouble."

"Okay. Will you need help back to your house?"

The storyteller ruffled Laurence's golden hair. "No, no. I'll be fine. The childeren will more than likely come back to ask more questions, and they will help me, the sweet children that they are."

Hmm. It interested me. It made me think, "Wait a minute. But what about the girl? What will Laurence do, since he knows the story well? What will the plot of the story be?"

It does its job as a prologue. Well done, CJ!

I think "Pure of Heart" would be a good title. It's catchy.

Yay! Thank you! Love you so much!! ^_^

Since this is such a short post I can;t really comment on much. I'll try my hardest though. Your grammar and punctuation - I can't find any major mistakes in it so great job there. Your story is interesting, there aren't as many unicorn books out there. I only own one, its a collection of short stories and poems. I can't wait to see where this story goes. So great job, good luck, and keep writing. PM me when your next segment gets out! By the way I like the name Pure of Heart the best.

Hmm i thoroughly enjoyed it!!! it was well written...my only problem with it was that i thought tht the prologue should have ended where the story itself ended and the first chapter with laurence...but thts just my personal opinion and a minor alteration.....evrything else was gr8, it really does a good job of hooking in you into the story very quickly, which a lot of stories dont do!!! so good job and im really looking forward to see what happens to and what part laurence palys n wat abt the girl...the whole story basically and hope u put up the rest of the story!!!

This is an interesting beginning. A good start. You should describe the girl and the unicorn better. Maybe the unicorn had a mane whiter than the midwinter snow, or the beauty of the girl was only outmatched by that of the unicorn. What was the day like? Was is ominous and cloudy, or a bright and promising day? That often set the whole stage for what's to come. What does Laurence look like?

You're off to a great start, but you need to describe it more.

which is why the storyteller sat on a stump outside the blacksmiths' often, where Laurence was apprenticed.

This would flow better if you take the word 'often' and move it so that it's after 'storyteller.'

"What was the girls name?"

You need an apostrophe S in "girls."

The old storyteller chuckled, running his shaking hand through his diminshing grey hair.

You spelled the bold print words wrong. They're spelled diminishing and gray.

The girls' family

You do this a lot. You put S apostrophe instead of apostrophe S. The way you have this written implies that it's multiple girls and families.

The children did as they were told, and the old man made an effort to stand.

Laurence helped him and asked, "Was that the only time the unicorn ever showed up around here?"

You should begin the second part as "Laurence helped him up and asked." The way you have it makes me think he's helping by asking the question.

Other than those few things, I thought this was great. When I first read that this involved unicorns, I thought, "Great... A story about unicorns. Ah, what the heck. Can't be that bad." And I was pleasantly surprised. You executed it in an interesting way that hooked even me, who thinks unicorns are dumb (no offense to any unicorn lovers). I especially liked how you started the beginning in a story-telling fashion that you did quite well.

Anyway, overall it was great. Keep up the good work.

Pretty well written. I enjoyed reading it; i don't have anything big to critic about this piece. Pure of heart is a good title and keep writing!

It seemed a little too fast to me. You have good grammar, and it's good as a prologue, I guess, but it couldn't really hold my attention very well.

I think it was really good. It flowed smoothly and was a really good prolouge. I bet you have a really good ideas for this, so I can't wait to read them!
I also think that if you cannot think of a title, that's okay. I can't think of a title for mine right now either. But if you want my opinion, I like Pure of Heart. I think it would work best.

I really like your story. it leaves me wanting to read more so Ill be on the look out for when you post the rest! It may only be the begining, but I can feel that this is going to be a great story!

I like 'Pure of Heart' best. All in all, I really like the prologue. It sets the mood for the story very well. I loved the way it flowed....post more?