Truth

[/b]A slightly ambiguous if not somewhat sketchy jotting that I wrote in five minutes.
An example of my terrible attempts at poetry! Almost philosophical yet rather ambiguous. Make what you like of it - just note that it is sketchy and probably full of errors.[b]

Truth;
Gone, lost forever;
what is truth really?
Is it the ground upon which I walk, the air that I breathe, does it surround me, is it simply waiting to be discovered, or is it something I must create?
An achievable goal?
Or an unattainable idea?
Perfection;
What is it really?
An idea, upon which we improvise around to create stereotypes?
Or a frame;
A frame to portray truth.
Words weave together;
Like fine fibres;
Strewn pieces,
Lost around the world,
Find the pieces,
And you hold the key.
The key to life.
What truly is life?
A physical presence to connect us to the rest of the world?
No;
For we are not in need of a physical presence;
A mere soul is enough,
Enough to cling on,
To be.
Where do we truly belong?
Do we belong within ourselves?
Shying away from the world
We live inside ourselves,
Underneath futile facades
Who truly are we?
Who am I?
Who are you?
IWho truly are we?
Should we not be true to ourselves?
Who are we to judge?
Why do you have the right to judge me?
Why do I have the right to judge you?
Truth.
Truth is what we want it to be.
Our dreams, our realities.
Based around us, completely versatile.
Who are we to question?
To question life, to question ideas?
Why are people different?
Why do some people question things,
While others just ignore.
Ignorance. Or nonchalance?
Who am I?
Who are you?
My soul clings tightly to imagination,
Never leaving dreamworld,
Where my heart goes my head has no choice but to follow.
My heads inclinations are completely irrelevant;
I am my heart.
I am my soul.
Nothing can draw me from my dreams,
Because they are where I truly belong.

That was really good.

I sniffed out an error:

IWho truly are we?

other than that, it was good it reminds me of Neon Genesis Evangelion, if you've ever seen it.

Wow...there really isn't much else to say. You really covered all aspects of "truth", and it was filled with ponderful(is that a word? I don't think so) phrases.

See you around_

Thanks so much Ninja Z

Ahh ok the first thing that I noticed is that you basically threw a list of questions and half formed ideas at us and called it a poem. The ideas themselves are good, but the poem itself is not really working for me. Instead of simply throwing out questions, tell us a story that by the end of it, we are asking the same questions in our heads.

This right now, is very unorganized and the thoughts are very jumpy. Come up with one idea and stick with it. Right now you go from questions to some ok imaginary, back to questions, to cliche lines about souls and hearts. I feel nothing you are feeling, except possibly bored.

Rework the idea, right now you have too many thrown into a very small amount of space. Take one, make it into something we can feel. Don't tell us, show us exactly what you are feeling, smelling, hearing, and make us feel it and smell it and hear it too.

Hope this helps
OverEasy

overeasy thanks. I know it's really unorganised - it's pretty sketchy and doesn't make much sense. I didn't mean to put it down as a poem - I just couldn't think of what section to put it in.

Thanks for the tips

Lost_in_dreamland wrote:[/b]A slightly ambiguous if not somewhat sketchy jotting that I wrote in five minutes.
An example of my terrible attempts at poetry! Almost philosophical yet rather ambiguous. Make what you like of it - just note that it is sketchy and probably full of errors.[b]

Hi Kirsten *sighs* And you tell me you're not good at poetry. You lie!
Anyway, I'll do a little critique for you.

Truth;
Gone, lost forever;
what is truth really?

The use of semi-colons is very effective here.

Words weave together;
Like fine fibres;
Strewn pieces,
Lost around the world,
Find the pieces,

This was lovely imagery; I loved the thoughts of words being strewn pieces.

Underneath futile facades

Impeccable phrasing.

IWho truly are we?

Small mistake; "I" in front of "Who".

Truth.
Truth is what we want it to be.
Our dreams, our realities.

This was so perceiving and honest it almost made me cry.

I am my heart.
I am my soul.
Nothing can draw me from my dreams,
Because they are where I truly belong.

Wonderful way to end it. Kirsten; you have outdone yourself. This was beautiful.

Sarah
xxx

Thanks so much Sarah
you're too nice!
hehe I didn't mean to put Iwho in there!
thanks

I do agree it gets quite disorganized especially in the second half.

i think the first half is good, but there are definitly too many questions all in one go. However your thinking behind it is clearly very interesting, so you should try to SHOW it through interesting language.

Eeeeeeek, I actually cannot believe I posted this. It's terrible

This poem was riddled with questions. You went from idea to idea, and it reminded me of someone that is ADD(that would me me.) and sees something shiny. *coughs*First of all, there shouldn't be that many qquestions in the poem, especially when most of your reader's have these same questions. You jump around from what truth is, to who you are, to well, a dozen other things.

How you formed you poem is a bit sketchy too.

Gone, lost forever;
what is truth really?
Is it the ground upon which I walk, the air that I breathe, does it surround me, is it simply waiting to be discovered, or is it something I must create?

That second line is much too long, I suggest that you break it up some. Also you should stick to one idea, I liked truth the best, and take out the rest. And please, take out all the questions, you should be answering these questions, not asking them. (For I ask all the questions around here )

You also had some good aspects to this poem. I love the way that you put the imagery in. It wasn't lacking in that department certainly. The ideas in your poem were interesting, and in many cases I find this true.

Well good luck in your writing. Practice makes perfect.

~Alyss