the last tree.

This is for a contest at my library. The rules are to write a poem with the idea of go green. I honestly don't know if this sucks or not, so please tell me. Is it too dark or sad?

REVISED VERSION.

Never before
Have I been alone.
I look out at the empty wasteland,
Where my brethren once stood,
Where the animals once roamed.
Where now the flowing wind
Whips with her merciless torrent
She is angry
Without the lush canopy
To play in.

I’d like to say this was the cemetery
Of my brothers.
But alas,
They have been kidnapped.
I cry my silent cry for them.
My brethren who watched over me
Since I was a seedling.
Protecting me
As I grew.
We watched the centuries go by,
Time dancing around our aging trunks,
Building us stronger
As it passed.

But now all has gone.
They are but a memory.
Destroyed without a thought.
And soon,
It will be my turn.

The wind mistress returns to me.
But now her chill
Is comforting.
Goodbye wind,
I always thought you were beautiful.
A heavy machine
Laden with sharp edges and
Pointed corners
Comes nearer
And nearer.

Now that the end is so close,
I think;
Humans.
I worked for centuries
To provide them with oxygen
So they could live.
We all did.
Now they kill us
With their sharp machines,
And brutish greed.
And most definitely,
I would give
Anything in the world,
For all of humanity to
GO GREEN.

Oooh! Very thought-provoking! I don't think it's too dark at all. It's a unique and personal approach to going green and good luck on the contest!

A few nitpicks:

cry my silent cry

Maybe say "tears" the second time? Personally I think it sounds a little better, but this could be just me.

I think;

This line's a little out of place and not really needed. All the wasy through the poem has been very factual and definite - this line kinda changes the mood a bit.

Hope I've helped!

happy-go-lucky

Hey! I'm finally reading one of your works!

I'm glad I am, too. Repeatedly banning you made me feel bad.

silverSUNLIGHTx wrote:This is for a contest at my library. The rules are to write a poem with the idea of go green. I honestly don't know if this sucks or not, so please tell me. Is it too dark or sad?

I am the only one
For the first time ever.
I look out at the empty wasteland,
Where my brethren once stood,
Where the animals once roamed.
Where now the flowing wind
Whips with her merciless torrent
She is angry
Without the lush canopy
To play in.
My leaves quiver while she slides through them
And does not return.
Where has she gone?
I’d like to say this was the cemetery
Of my brothers.
But alas,
They have been kidnapped.
Oh the gentle souls!
I cry my silent cry for them.
My brethren who watched over me
Since I was a seedling.
Protecting me
As I grew.
We watched the centuries go by,
They danced around our aging trunks,
Building us stronger
As they passed.
But now all has gone.
They are but a memory.
Destroyed without a thought.
And soon,
It will be my turn.
The wind mistress returns to me.
But now her chill
Is comforting.
Goodbye wind,
I always though you were beautiful .
A heavy machine
Laden with sharp edges and
Pointed corners
Comes nearer
And nearer.
Now that the end is so close,
I think;
Humans.
I worked for centuries
To provide them with oxygen
So they could live.
We all did.
Now they kill us
With their sharp machines,
And brutish greed.
And most definitely,
I would give
Anything in the world,
For all humanity to
GO GREEN.

I love it!

Is it too dark? No.
Is it too sad? Yes, but in a good way.
Does it suck? Who gave you that idea?!

Like happy-go-lucky said, this is very thought provoking, and it adds such a personal twist which I adore. I love how you it into the trees point of view... makes it more emotional that way. I can almost hear the poor little tree, like it were speaking to me.

happy-go-lucky's nitpicks are good, and I agree with them. But, I do have one more.

I am the only one
For the first time ever.

Those first two lines; toss 'em. Not are they not necessary, but they don't belong. The poem has a much different voice than this. And besides, the third line is a great intro on it's own.

And also, remember some punctuation. You have some throughout, but it needs more to help with the flow.

Nice topic. It's time the world know how to go green. *goes into activist mode*

Glad to finally read something from you! Will I be seeing more?

~LIF

Hey there! Okay, first of all allow me to comment on your format: it needs work. You've got this huge block of text that's off-putting to any sane reader, not to mention your intended audience. So break it down into stanzas, I'll try to show you where as I go through the line by line...

I am the only one
For the first time ever. [Not a bad start. It's reasonably intriguing and interesting but I think it could have been phrased better. Perhaps 'I've never been alone before.' would be just a touch more dramatic.]
I look out at the empty wasteland,
Where my brethren once stood,
Where the animals once roamed.
Where now the flowing wind
Whips with her merciless torrent
She is angry
Without the lush canopy
To play in. [The rest of this stanza is good but needs a little tidying up, a little trimming. First, the repetition of where doesn't work. It has no affect except to sound repetitive and a little monotonous. If you used it just twice and not so soon after each other (with a little meat in between) it would be much better. I'd suggest something like:

It's quiet. Empty. A wasteland.
But I can see the places my brethren filled,
where they watched over the animals
who once roamed here.

and then the next two lines are great but I'd suggest a full stop after torrent. In the last few lines, I think 'her lush canopy' would be better than the. Also, you don't need to start each line with a capital. You're not writing a sonnet or in an archaic style so go with normal capitalisation except where you want a particular word to stand out. Then just capitalise the first letter of that or use italics. Also, this is a good place to end the stanza and start another.]

My leaves quiver while she slides through them
And does not return.
Where has she gone? [This feels unfinished. It's awkward to jump from musings about the wind directly to a new observation. I'd suggest removing these three lines.]
I’d like to say this was the cemetery
Of my brothers.
But alas, [I think there's space for expansion here. Maybe add a few more lines describing how they were slain but not allowed the decency of burial.]
They have been kidnapped.
Oh the gentle souls! [This feels a touch over the top...]
I cry my silent cry for them. [Urgh. I don't like this line.]
My brethren who watched over me
Since I was a seedling.
Protecting me
As I grew. [These few lines are a little simple. Delve a bit deeper. Remember, similies and metaphors are your friends.]
We watched the centuries go by,
They danced around our aging trunks, [Who's they? Huamns?]
Building us stronger
As they passed. [Good play with passed... don't know if it was intended but good all the same =) And I'd suggest a new stanza here.]

But now all has gone.
They are but a memory.
Destroyed without a thought.
And soon,
It will be my turn. [Could be a little more dramatic but generally good.]
The wind mistress returns to me.
But now her chill
Is comforting. [This is too sudden a change. You need to introduce the circumstances that have caused the tree to change its mind first. Describe the sharp cut of the pain before you move onto how the tree now misses the wind's caress.]
Goodbye wind,
I always thought you were beautiful .
A heavy machine
Laden with sharp edges and
Pointed corners
Comes nearer
And nearer.
Now that the end is so close,
I think;
Humans. [Italics might be effective here and possibly start a new stanza.]
I worked for centuries
To provide them with oxygen
So they could live.
We all did.
Now they kill us
With their sharp machines,
And brutish greed.
And most definitely,
I would give
Anything in the world,
For all of humanity to
GO GREEN.[Bold is just as effective as full caps. More so in fact.]

Okay so overall, I think this is okay and it's a good purpose poem but by way of being dramatic or convincing, it needs work. The trouble is, you tell your reader what it is you want them to do. It's not a terrible approach but it's not the most effective. Your poem should make it clear that you consider certain behaviour bad and it should make your reader automatically squirm and think they should maybe change something. The personification of trees is in theory a good idea but the trouble is, readers know (or I suppose believe) that trees don't really feel. A more effective way to convince a person living in the modern world to go green would be to concentrate on the effects towards the animals and towards humanity.

A good poem that you should read is Thomas Hardy's 'The Man I Killed.' His poem makes the point that war is wrong without actually saying so. It isn't what some people call 'preachy'. I prefer to say inexperienced because we've all written poems like this and some still do. It's a habit that's not necessarily bad but the sooner it's broken, the better the poet gets.

Good luck with any edits you might make and feel free to pm me with questions or further requests. Sorry if this sounds a little harsh,

Heather xx

I WON!! OMG I WON!!!! FIRST PLACE BABY!!!!!!!!
Wow, that just made my entire life.

I liked your poem. I thought it was deep and heart felt. I wasn't really sure what you were talking about though but I enjoyed it. Sometimes it's hard for me to understand the mind of another writer because we are all so unique and have different writing styles. Maybe you can clarify to me what your poem meant. I really would like to take a look into your mind and get a better understanding of the message that you were trying to convey.

I thought it was brilliant! In my opinion that is exactly what a tree would be thinking if he were the last one on Earth! Everything I was going to say has already been pointed out, so my only other issue is the final line: 'GO GREEN!' I find that it ruins the end of the poem, so maybe you could get rid of the capitals and the exclamation mark? I'm assuming that because it is a competition that you have to write it like that, but personally I think it ruins the ending.

Good job!

I really liked your poem! It was really moving and it would be exactly what a tree would be thinking and speaking if it could! Congrats on 1st place! You deserved it!