Untitled

My smile is as true as your love
As you recite sweet sonnets
Of Sorrow and tragic
Release.

My heart is as free as your hands
As they caress me
Warm and forgiving
Bliss.

My eyes are as shiny as the starts
You point to and name in the
Black and sparkeling
Sky.

My hair is as soft as the scarf
You wrap around my throat
Red and thin
Silk.

My skin is as cold as your fury
As you tighten your grip on me
Relentless and unyielding
Pain.

My breath is as silent as your heart
As you kiss me for the last time
Tender and loving
Hate.

That was so awesome! You know how to write. I mean WOW doesn't even cover it. There are alot of things that I can agree on and I'd like to say that WOW! I'm at a lost for words. You explain things and write them so clearly. I can't believe it! I'm not that good. You should get published. I mean it. Get published!

Thank you for the comment. I'm glad that you found it 'WOW'.

The chances of me getting any of my stuff published are very slim but I'm pleased that you think I should try.

Excellent. But still very sad.
I love the way it's gone from serene to suddenly very dark.

Why does that not surprise me eh?

Thanks for leaving the comment though.

Hmm... sweet!

One thing, though, in "As they caress me" you might want to add a comma at the end. And maybe chck some other punctuation, but it's totally up to you.

Nicely done! i gotta agree with the "WOW" post.

Edit: in "Relentless and unyielding", you might want to add an "Is" at the front.

Hey there. A very nice simple poem. I got not much to complain, but there was one thing that I felt seemed a little awkward here :-

My eyes are as shiny as the starts

You point to and name in the

Black and sparkling

Sky.



My hair is as soft as the scarf

You wrap around my throat

Red and thin

Silk.

w
I think you could have put a transitional stanza in between the above two. It would have really given a little more flow to the poem, though this like everyone else's critique is a very suibjective point that i have here; i.e. its just what I thought it could have used.
Anyways, god speed and excelsior.

the_vizier
:\_/: