Bloodlust Chapter 1 part 2

I finally posted Chapter 2 guys (who are still interested)

Link - topic55799.html

the plot is developing well but things like grammar can let you down a bit. The story flows nicely as it is , but i think it would be even better if you tried to vary your vocabulary. Perhaps even using phrases and imagery to describe feelings in detail?

still ,overall i like it - and i hardly read fiction with vampires in it.

Okay so here I go with part 2! There were quite a few grammatical errors that I noticed, and I was surprised to find out that the MC is a girl. I assumed that she was a boy from the first part of the story. Perhaps you could add something to the beginning of part one that would explain her being a girl. Anyways, on with the story.

Firestalker wrote:Chapter 1 part 2
All I could do was move my head comma so I bent it towards my body to see where I was. What I saw almost turned my stomach upside down. I was nailed down to a wooden board from my hands and legs. Sounds a bit awkward, maybe rewording it into something like "My hands and legs were nailed down to a wooden board." My eyes widened in shock. It wasn't pleasant to see myself in that this condition. I gasped in surprise for the fact that none of my wounds hurt. I would have vomited at the sight of my nailsed limbs, but for some reason i did not feel disgusted.
“Arianna Robinson, Daughter of Robert Robinson and Mary Robinson, Sister of William Robinson. Age seventeen, black hair, blue eyes You need either a comma, semicolon, or a new sentence depending on what sort of rhythm you're hoping to convey. disappeared three days ago in the forest while searching for flowers. Am I right?” A cold smooth voice asked comma then added "though i can say that your eye colour has since then changedperiod"
I was surprised but didn’t show it. Slowly I willed my head to move towards the direction where the voice came from.
Two men towered above me. The one closer to me was almost twice as tall as me. A lot of "me" in these two short sentences. Also he looked as if he was fully comprised of large muscles. He wore a mask of black cloth, his chest was bare and he wore short black trousers. I instantly recognized him to be one of the guards or executioners of wherever I was in. I struggled to see who was behind this bulky executioner, but all I could manage to see was a slim hand covered with a black sleek cloth mostly worn by lawyers holding a something that looked like an old book with a picture of a skull on its cover.
“You are most likely a newborn, semicolon or a new sentence the master might let you live when he sees you, Dash or something to make an appropriate pause. The way you have it, he's speaking very hurriedly in a run-on sentence. that is if you cooperate with uscomma” Tthe same voice said.
“Show yourself if you darecomma” I spat and then restrained myself from snarling. "I spat, restraining myself from snarling" sounds better.
I was clearly surprised by my sudden boldness. Considering the way I would act in normal circumstances this was certainly very bold. A muffled laugh reached my ears, instantly I knew it would be too soft for the human ear to hear. Eh? What does that mean?
“You are in no position to give orderscomma” said the man, a hint of amusement in his voice.
Angered by this, I struggled to restrain you just used "restrain" not that long ago. You need a different word. myself from screaming at the top of my voice.
“What do you want?” I asked finally after a few moments of silence.
“We simply need you to help us… restrain more of your kind... with your help that is.” Okay, you just said "need you to help us" and then you said "with your help" again. It's too repetitive. Rreplied the man, he was clearly satisfied with himself from about? for? some word like that my sudden cooperativeness.
I thought for a while. Would I choose to help these… humans or help my own kind, the same kind who had captured me, turned me and left me for dead? But there were more like me, more innocent souls who would get imprisoned in this god forsaken prison to rot for eternity.
No, I wouldn't let that happen, I wouldn't let them be captured like me.
“What’s in it for me?” I asked almost whispering this time
"If you cooperate according to our wishes then we will... let you go free." I felt his hesitation as he replied quickly.
The slight curving of his tone to a higher pitch told me that he was clearly lying even though he tried to look firm enough to convince.
Maybe this isn’t that bad after all.
“Nocomma” I whispered loud enough for both of the men to hear.
The larger man who had not moved or spoken since I awoke smiled in satisfaction and saidcomma “I told you so. These bloodsuckers are all the same.”
The man behind him sighed,period “I guess your you're right. Go ahead then,” said the mancomma his voice suddenly filled with evil encouragement.
“My pleasure,” said the large mancomma his voice hoarse and rough.
The large man took one step towards me and then removed my arms from the nails by pulling them Which them? The nails out, or the arms? out. I screamed in agony as the pain suddenly shot up my hands through my body. The throbbing subsided soon and was replaced by a burning sensation which was in turn replaced by a cool feeling. I smiled to myself as I looked at my healed hands with only blood to prove there had once been wounds there. Cooool. I tried to struggle but was too weak. The man removed my legs from the nails and I felt the same throbbing and cool sensation yet again. Then to my sheer horror he turned me around with ease and pushed my hands back onto the nails. The pain was twice as painful as before. "pain" and "painful" in the same sentence, it's too repetitive. I yelped as my body struggled to remove the torture. Blood from my hands poured down the table as my injuries bled. My bare legs suffered the same agony. Tears came into my eyes and I started crying, Bbut to my relief my injuries healed after a few minutes of pain.
"Bloodsuckers have the extraordinary power to heal their wounds even without them wanting it. But there are things that even the dead cannot heal. One of these things are "is" I think. It sounds better, at any rate. the rare Werewolf saliva. The saliva is almost harmless to humans but lethal to your kind. It burns the skin and prevents your blood from healing the wounds. So we have found an effective way of using this liquid other than just throwing it away. Observe,period” The cold even voice suggested that it was the smaller man speaking.
I turned my head as far as possible. I saw the executioner pour a liquid onto a long black whip. Once the liquid was finished he let go of the beaker which fell onto the floor and clattered to a stop. I turned my head and waited to see if what the man had said was true. The minute I managed to turn around the whip met its mark, my back. Luckily I had my shirt on, the same shirt I had stole from the Vampires I had escaped from. It managed to restrict the blows of the whip to some extent. But to my misfortune, the smaller man realized this to.
“Stop,” he commanded
The executioner, clearly puzzled by this command stopped. I heard the small manapostrophes footsteps echo through the room as he approached me. He cut the back of my shirt with something sharp until I was bare-chested. Her chest is on the board, right? So that would technically be bare-backed, although that sounds kind of weird. Although I was nailed to the desk, I still blushed in embarrassment.
“What soft skin you havecomma” he saidcomma gently tracing my spinal cord with his fingers and sending a chill through my body.
He did this several times, but then after a few minutes he withdrew his hands and said “Continue” to the executionercomma who didn’t seem disturbed by my anguish.
The whipping started again. The agony of each whip increased twofold each time he whipped me. Again, you're getting repetitive here. Whipping, whip, whipped all in two sentences. The pain didn’t subside like it did had with the nails, and I smelled my skin burning. I screamed, cursed, screamed again until my jaws started to hurt. Tears poured out of my eyes at every strike. They burned like my back. After a few minutes of unbearable pain, my legs went limp, followed by the rest of my body. I felt like passing out but the pain kept me awake.

The executionercomma on the other handcomma kept up his whipping as if he was having fun by doing his inhuman work. I could hear him sometimes laughing slightly. He seemed to be playing a game; after the first few whips the executioner tried to hit the open wound yet again and again. It was sick to know that he was actually enjoying torturing me. He succeeded from time to timecomma making me scream and cry at the same time. Finally after an hour that seemed like eternity to me, the executioner stopped and removed my hands and legs from the nails. I felt nothing, no comma needed here but the agony of the burns. My body was past its limit now, and I wouldn’t even notice if someone cut me to little pieces. I was numb like a stone and the thought of being disgusted of my state crossed my mind. I was lifted off the torture table and onto the floor. My body was all a wound. I noticed that the smaller man was not to be seen. He You just talked about the smaller man, and even though you said he wasn't there, it still seems like you're talking about him. then removed the shreds of my shirt. I tried to stop him, my hands shooting up in an automatic reflex, but he easily brushed them off. I tried to struggle but my body was too weakcomma so I leaned against the nearest wall embarrassed, afraid, and angry. Once my shredded and torn shirt was on the floor he lifted my hands and put on another shirt clearly made for male prisoners only. The shirt was a little too big for me. It was made of brown harsh linen cloth that made the pain from my back even more agonizing. The smell of cheap launder was strong enough to make me sick. I was then pulled through the numerous halls by my legs.
Now I know what a broom feels like. As amusing as this line is, would she really be thinking that if she was in such agony? I don't think I'd be capable of thought if I had been tortured like that.
The ground was extremely hard and barely smooth. My head kept banging on the stones of the uneven floor. The executioner stopped in front of a large prison and then lifted me off the ground. He then opened the cage a littlecomma barely enough for me to entercomma and threw me into the prison. The first thing I saw was were three pairs of bloodthirsty eyes. The next thing I felt was my face hitting the ground. I took a breath of dust and started to cough painfully. I gave up trying to keep my conscience.

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I gotta say, your torture scene was really well written. I could picture everything happening and man, that was really painful. Just keep an eye on the comma usage and repetition, those were the two things that I noticed the most.