Get An Afterlife

It was that stupid ghost again, following me like a magnet to metal. Why, just because I was one of the few people who could see them, did I have to deal with their annoying antics? I mean, it’s bad enough that I got hit on by the living but the dead, too?

I really couldn’t catch a break.

“For the last time,” I snapped, my face twisted in frustration. “I don’t date dead people!”

Jack, the horny and incredibly annoying spirit who had been following me around for the past hour, laughed arrogantly, throwing his head back and moving closer to me.

“Why not? What do those people have that I don’t, baby?” he asked me overconfidently, motioning from the other people, the living people, to himself.

I stopped and looked at him for a moment as if he were the village idiot, which is what he apparently was.

“Other than a beating heart and a body?” I retorted.

“So over rated, sweet cheeks,” he scoffed, smoothly looking down at his appearance and brushing the nonexistent dust from the cloth in an obvious attempt to look cool.

I wasn’t buying it one bit.

Laughing coldly, I continued my walking, hoping that if I just kept at it, he would eventually give up and leave me alone. Then again, that’s what I’d thought during the first few minutes of meeting him. But he followed and continued to overestimate his ability to swoon women.

He got in front of me, walking backwards so he could face me. He wasn’t even that good looking anyways. Making a little pout, he broke the silence.

“Why so cold?” he crooned.

I stayed silent.

“You know you haven’t even told me you’re name yet,” he pressed, cocking his head to the side coyly.

“Why would I ever want to do that?” I snapped, hands on my hips.

“Why?” he asked, pretending to be surprised. “Because I’m Jack Meyers, that’s why.”

I kept walking, arms folded against my chest.

“Well I guess that changes everything…” I muttered under my breath.

“What did you say?” he inquired with an attitude.

I sighed. “Nothing.”

Jack put a hand in front to me, bringing my brisk pace to a screeching halt.

“Seriously, though,” he began. “Us ghosts can do just as much to other people as the living can.’

Then he added, “And it helps when one of us finds a hot, sexy lookin’ thing like you to motivate us…”

He reached out for my chest but I walked right through him instead, getting that tingly feeling you get when you’re nervous as I merged with his evanescent form.

“You are such a pervert,” I spat at him as I left him behind me.

“What are you trying to say?” he asked, a frustrated look poised on his face.

I laughed callously, throwing my head back to add to the effect.

“What? Do I have to spell it out for you?” I shot to him. “I’m just not interested.”

As he stayed silent, stunned by rejection, I picked up a muddy stick and wrote him a message on the concrete wall to give him a hint.

Before leaving him behind, I looked the spirit up and down, taking one last good glance.

“Read it. Maybe you’ll learn something from it,” I said unemotionally.

As I walked away, I heard him yell after me, “What the hell is ‘Get an afterlife’ supposed to mean?”

Hey, I'm the first one to review! Hope this helps!

He reached out for my chest but I walked right through him instead, getting that tingly feeling you get when you’re nervous as we merged.

The part about them merging was kind of confusing. I would try to make that more clear.

“What are you trying to say?” he asked, frustrated look poised on his face.

This is worded oddly at the end. I would say: ...he asked, a look of frustration poised on his face. or something like that.

“What do I have to spell it out for you?” I shot to him.

This is kind of wierd, the words in the quotations. Maybe try: What? Do yo I have to spell it out for you? That way, you break it up to better emphasize her point.

As I walked away, I heard him yell after me, “What the hell is ‘Get an afterlife’ supposed to mean?”

Nice! I never read a story like this before. Very unique. You should write more stories about a girl falling in love with a ghost. Would be really cool :wink;

Anyway, I felt this was good. There were a few sentences that could use a rewrite, but otherwise, I felt the flow was nicely done.

Good Job!

Ashleylee - Girl falling in love with ghost?
That sounds like Meg Cabot's 'The Mediator'

Embroswyn15 - I think I've become your fan,
So far I've loved all your works and this is no exception
You didn't really have any mistakes that ashleylee hasn't pointed out already.
Kudos!
And like she said, this is a very unique story.
Love it!
See ya around!

How cute is this! Very nice idea; I loved that ghost.

I'm not going to sound like a broken record, so I won't go into my little nitpicks, but I suggest you read your piece before posting, or have someone read it for you. That way you can catch odd phrasing and some mistakes that take only two seconds to fix, so people can review with more depth.

Once again, unique and adorable! The title is awesome, I saw it in the random works and I had to click!

Hahaha! Very clever ending.

I would rephrase some of the things, just a little bit of editing, nothing big. For example:

"I wasn’t buying it one bit.

Laughing coldly, I continued my walking..."

Get rid of first line altogether, and change the second: "Laughing [coldly], I continued walking..." or "I continued my trek". Too many -ings throw off the reader.

There are a bunch of little things like that.

Good job though! Quite funny, especially at the end...

A few awkward phrases which have pretty much been pointed out. I loved the whole thing. But when you say 'village idiot' it makes me think medeival-not modern. Ya know, it's kind of confusing. As in, i don't know what the setting is, other than the road or the street-add some description other than the muddy stick and whatnot. Like, SETTING! No offense meant. Just do some setting, ok? Also, I guess it's kind of strange, but you lack the fundamental reference point of an MC's name. Just wonder what to call her. Or could you not decide? I really did enjoy how she refused to tell Jake her name. that was a very realistic maneuver. I really was puzzled with the contrast between pop culture dialect and the village idiot thing, though-that is, until the end when "concrete" clarified the time period.
A really good plot, though. I love the idea of seeing stuff that exists but other people don't know exists. Not to mention the whole unwanted ghosts thing. It's really funny-but why don't people notice she's talking to what looks like thin air to them?? Just wondering. I second, or more like third the motion about the ending being funny. Just brush up on SETTING and BYSTANDERS as in, people outside of the MC and Jake. I really loved it though. Keep writing!!