Well this shouldn't be! Chapter 1

This is not mean to hurt anyones feelings or mock them... these town names are real.


WELL THIS SHOULDN'T BE!

Chapter 1.


Here. Can you see a city? The city is called Intercourse. A small city in Pennsylvania, USA.
It was a fairly warm early spring day. The sun shined upon the snow that was still left from the winter. It made a beautiful glow.

Here see the old concrete building, built by those puny things that call themselves humans.

In this old concrete building that is called an apartment house, lives our hero... Although he himself has no idea that he is a hero. Or a powerful person in any given way. Our hero lives in a small flat, which is on rent, with an unreasonable price (seen in what condition the flat is in), although cheap compared to other flats that can be found in the city.

The flat is infested by animals of the tiny insect sort... Although some people have stated that they have even seen a few crustaceans in there.

In the flat there is; one pathetically unclean toilet, with a shower. A very small kitchen, a living-room and an even smaller bedroom.

These small animals seem to have no effect on our sleeping hero. He doesnt even seem to be distracted from his sleep, by the spider that is walking over his face.

Now hear as his alarm clock is ringing.
Ring, ring ring...
Ring, ring, ring!
Look viewers as he slams the alarm clock to the ground, and smashes it with a hammer that he keeps in his drawer next to the bed.

His brown hair covers his forehead and a few zits with it. His face has quite sharp edges, this makes him look a small bit harsh. He sits up from his bed and stumbles to his toilet. He goes to the shower... He is still in the dream world.
And Now hear him scream.

"Aargh!"

It seemed that the water in the shower was cold... So very, very cold.

Now he comes out of the shower and notices a small but important thing... he is still wearing his boxers...

He swears under his breath, and throws the boxers in a box with the other dirty clothes.
He puts on his clothes for the day and eats his morning cereals.
He looks at the clock and walks out. Outside is standing Will, who is our hero's good friend.

"Hiya, sleepy head," Will calls out. His long fair hair is combed so that it doesn't cover his face. His blue eyes flash in a child-like way.

"Shut up dude," our hero calls back.

"Oh. Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. Didn't you John?" Will smiled. He had on a white shirt with the text: Some idiot went to London. And All I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Which John had bought him for Will's birthday a year ago. He also had on a pair of black jeans and a jean jacket... blue by color.

John looked up at him. John had on just a pair of blue jeans and the same kind of blue jacket as Will. He had a plain green shirt under the jacket.

"The waters cold again." John snapped back. Will continued smiling.

Will looked at his clock and turned to John "We better hurry if we don't want to miss school.

John sighed. Again he had to run, was there no end to hurry? Did he really sleep always that long?

The pair started running.

Hi,
I see no one else has had the chance to critique so I will be the first.

Here. Here is a city, the city is called Intercourse. A small city in Pennsylvania, USA.

Here see the old concrete building, built by those puny things that call themselves humans.

You didn't need the ... you can just use a period.

In this old concrete building that is called an apartment house, lives our hero. Although he himself has no idea that he is a hero. Our hero lives in a small flat, which is on rent with an unreasonable price, although cheap.

How can it be an unreasonable price but cheap? Unreasonable for him?

The flat is infested by animals of the small insect kind of sort. Although some people have stated that they have seen a crustacean there.

In the flat there is; one small toilet, with a shower. A very small kitchen, living room and a small bedroom.

The small animals seem to have no effect on our hero.

Now look his alarm clock is ringing. Look wievers as he slams the alarm clock to the ground and smashes it with a hammer that he keeps in his drawer.

His brown hair covers his forehead and a few zits with it. He stands up from his bed and stumbles to his toilet. He goes to the shower... He is still in the dream world. And Now hear him scream.

"Aargh!"

It seemed that the water in the shower was cold.

Now he comes out of the shower and notices a small but important thing; he is still wearing his boxers.

I don't know what the word wievers is suppose to mean.

He swears under his breathe, and throws the boxers in a box with the other dirty clothes.

He puts his clothes on and eats his cereals.

He looks at the clock and walks out. Outside is standing Will, who is our hero's good friend.

"Hiya, sleepy head." Will calls out. His long fair hair is combed so that it doesn't cover his face.
Space here
"Shut up dude." Or hero calls back.

"Oh. Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. Didn't you John?" Will smiled. He had on a white shirt with the text Some idiot went to London. And All I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Which John had bought him for hisbirthday a year ago. He also had on a pair of black jeans and a jean jacket... blue by color.

Birthday should be one word.

John looked up at him. John had on just a pair of blue jeans and the same kind of blue jacket as Will. He had a plain green shirt under the jacket.

"The waters cold again." John snapped back. Will continued smiling.

It was a fairly warm early spring day. The sun shined upon the snow that was still left from the winter. It made a beautiful glow.

Will looked at his clock and turned to John "We better hurry if we don't want to miss school.

John sighed. Again he must run. Did he really sleep always that long?

The pair started running.

Your story seemed interesting enough, but you have to watch out fro spelling mistakes and punctuation mistakes. There is no need to put ... when you can have a period. Also, the story seemed a bit choppy. Maybe try adding in some more detail before you post.

I liked the way you developed your character. I hope this helps you out a bit.

PM me if you need anything.

Love,
N

Hi....

I liked your way of following up from the prologue. But, in the prologue, the dimensions get messed up don't they? But here the dimensions are fine...That's the only thing that didn't really make sense to me. I really liked it...

Oh. dimensions... he hee. Just wait. MWAHAHAHAHAHAH

Thanks for cleaning up the end like I said, great continue for the prologue though. I too don't quite get the unreasonable price yet cheap thing, also I don't like the viewer and here look, here, here, here parts.

In the flat there is; one small toilet, with a shower. A very small kitchen, living room and a small bedroom

Don't you really have anything else to say than small? I would change the "very small" to tiny. IT is possible you drop all but one of the size specifications so it wont become repetitive. People already get the fact the place is small with one telling . Don't they? I guess its just not my style. Way to go and happy birthday from a bookworm in 7C

Otto? Is thaat you??

Thanks for the review anyways.

Yes it is I, and beware my critique for you are doomed ...... How to add signature at the bottom?

Let us take this conversation into PMs

This is not mean to hurt anyones feelings or mock them... these town names are real.



WELL THIS SHOULDN'T BE!


Chapter 1.



Here. Can you see a city? The city is called Intercourse. A small city in Pennsylvania, USA.

It was a fairly warm early spring day. The sun shined upon the snow that was still left from the winter. It made a beautiful glow.


Here comma, or semi colon see the old concrete building, built by those puny things that call themselves humans.


In this old concrete building that is called an apartment house, lives our hero... Although he himself has no idea that he is a hero. Or a powerful person in any given way. Our hero lives in a small flat, which is on rent, with an unreasonable price (seen in what condition the flat is in) The bracketed area is awkwardly worded, I'd just have
seeing the condition of the flat
, although cheap compared to other flats that can be found in the city.


The flat is infested by animals of the tiny insect sort I like the style that this is written in so far ... Although some people have stated Hm... stated doesn't really work here, I'd have claim. that they have even seen a few crustaceans in there.


In the flat there is; one pathetically unclean toilet, with a shower. A very small kitchen, a living-room and an even smaller bedroom. Cut the repetition of small, also 'In the flat there is'... some of those words are redundant. I'd change that line to:

The flat; one pathetically unclean toilet, a shower. A diminutive kitchen, living room and an ifinitesimal bedroom.



These small animals seem to have no effect on our sleeping hero. He doesnt doesn't even seem to be distracted from his sleep, by the spider that is walking over his face.


Now hear as his alarm clock is ringing.

Ring, ring ring...

Ring, ring, ring!

Look viewers as he slams the alarm clock to the ground, and smashes it with a hammer that he keeps in his drawer next to the bed.


His brown hair covers his forehead and a few zits with it. His face has quite sharp edges, this makes him look a small bit harsh. He sits up from his bed and stumbles to his toilet. He goes to the shower... He is still in the dream world.

And Now hear him scream.


"Aargh!"


It seemed that the water in the shower was cold... So very, very cold.


Now he comes out of the shower and notices a small but important thing... he is still wearing his boxers...


He swears under his breath, and throws the boxers in a box with the other dirty clothes.

He puts on his clothes for the day and eats his morning cereals.

He looks at the clock and walks out. Outside is standing Will, who is our hero's good friend.


"Hiya, sleepy head," Will calls out. His long fair hair is combed so that it doesn't cover his face. His blue eyes flash in a child-like way.


"Shut up dude," our hero calls back.


"Oh. Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. Didn't you John?" Will smiled. He had on a white shirt with the text: Some idiot went to London. And All I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Which John had bought him for Will's birthday a year ago. He also had on a pair of black jeans and a jean jacket... blue by color.


John looked up at him. John had on just a pair of blue jeans and the same kind of blue jacket as Will. He had a plain green shirt under the jacket.


"The waters cold again." John snapped back. Will continued smiling.


Will looked at his clock and turned to John "We better hurry if we don't want to miss school.


John sighed. Again he had to run, was there no end to hurry? Did he really sleep always that long?


The pair started running.

Hey, Anzius.

Here see the old concrete building, built by those puny things that call themselves humans.

Here should have a comma after it.

In this old concrete building that is called an apartment house, lives our hero... Although he himself has no idea that he is a hero.

Replace the '...' with a comma, it flows better

seen in what condition the flat is in),

Seen should be seeing.

The flat is infested by animals of the tiny insect sort... Although some people have stated that they have even seen a few crustaceans in there.

Again, use a comma rather then '...'.

In the flat there is; one pathetically unclean toilet, with a shower.

You've used the semi colon in the wrong way here, and I don't see why you need any punctuation at that point at all.
A semi colon is used to join two related sentences that could be separate. For instance:
He did not want to go outside; the sun was too hot.
This could be a complete sentence; this could be another one.

These small animals seem to have no effect on our sleeping hero.

You've jumped from one idea to another, back to the first, then back to the second. Put similar ideas together.

He doesnt even seem to be distracted from his sleep, by the spider that is walking over his face.

Get rid of the comma.

And Now hear him scream.

Don't capitalize 'now'. You could also put a comma after 'now', depending on how you want it phrased.

It seemed that the water in the shower was cold... So very, very cold.

'seems'. And it would be more effective if you left it at the first 'cold'.

He puts on his clothes for the day and eats his morning cereals.

I would say he 'dresses' as you have 'clothes' in the sentence before hand. No 's' on cereal.

Will smiled.

Smiles, since you're writing in present tense.

blue by color.

replace 'by' with 'in'.

John looked up at him. John had on just a pair of blue jeans and the same kind of blue jacket as Will. He had a plain green shirt under the jacket.

Err... you've switched tenses completely now.


Overall, this is fairly light hearted and funny. I like some of the jokes, just don't go overboard. And watch your tenses, I think you should stick to past tense, it's difficult to write long stories in present tense.
Otherwise, I can't really say much else. I'm not a really big fan of the talking directly to the reader, but that's just me.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, I'll be glad to help.

-Nutty

This is not mean to hurt anyones feelings or mock them... these town names are real.



WELL THIS SHOULDN'T BE!


Chapter 1.



Here. Can you see a city? The city is called Intercourse. A small city in Pennsylvania, USA.

It was a fairly warm early spring day. The sun shined upon the snow that was still left from the winter. It made a beautiful glow. The unitentional rhyming of snow and glow makes this sentence very awkward. I don't like it. Let's fix it

It was a fairly warm early spring day. I think you're trying to cram too much information in here. An opening sentence is meant to drag us in and intrigue us. We don't need fairly warm, early and spring day. Let's nix some:
It was a fairly warm day. As boring as that sounds it is better than the original. Next part:

The sun shhined upon the snow that was still left from the winter. Way too much information. We definitely need to get rid of some.

If winter was over why would there still be snow? Maybe this would work ...?

The sun shined upon winter's remaining snow.

Much better

Next part:

It made a beautiful glow. This sentence is kind of boring:

A handsome sight maybe...

so:

It was a fairly warm day. The sun shined upon winter's remaining snow, a handsome sight.

Is that better?

The sun shined upon


Here comma or semicolon see the old concrete building, built by those puny things that call themselves humans.


In this old concrete building thatI hate the use of the word that in these stories. It really doesn't work. Makes it seem childish and boring. So let's reword again:

In this old concrete building, an 'appartment'.

House and appartment mean basically the same thing. So there's no need to use house.

In this old concrete building, an 'appartment' lives our hero.

The use of the ' around appartment works well.
is called an apartment house, lives our hero... Although he himself has no idea that he is a hero. Or a powerful person in any given way. Our hero lives in a small flat, which is on rent, with an unreasonable price (seen in what condition the flat is in) The bracketed part doesn't make sense, but I don't think there's even any point in including it. I think it'd work better if you missed it out altogether.

, although cheap compared to other flats that can be found in the city. What? This really doesn't work. You're almost contradicting yourself. You can't claim that it's unreasonably expensive but cheap at the same time.


The flat is infested by animals of the tiny insect sort... Although some people have stated that they have even seen a few crustaceans in there. :lol: This part was hilarious.


In the flat there is; one pathetically unclean toilet, with a shower. A very small kitchen, a living-room and an even smaller bedroom. Cut the repetition of small. It doesn't sound good. Let's fix it:


The flat; one pathetically squalid bathroom., a toilet, a shower. A small kitchen, living room and a minute bedroom.


These small animals seem to have no effect on our sleeping hero. He doesn't even seem to be distracted from his sleep, by the spider that is walking over his face.


Now hear as his alarm clock is ringing.

Ring, ring ring...

Ring, ring, ring!

Look viewers We're not viewers, we're readers. as he slams the alarm clock to the ground, and smashes it with a hammer that he keeps in his drawer next to the bed. Why? Why would anyone smash an alarm clock with a hammer. Not only that, why does he keep a hammer next to his bed?


His brown hair covers his forehead and a few zits with it. His face has quite sharp edges, this makes him look a small Don't need the word small here. bit harsh. He sits up from his bed and stumbles to his toilet. He goes to the shower... He is still in the dream world.

And Now hear him scream. I actually find it quite irratating that you keep saying, watch him...hear him....


"Aargh!"


It seemed Your tenses are mixed up, it should be seems. that the water in the shower was is cold... So very, very cold.


Now he comes out of the shower and notices a small but important thing... he is still wearing his boxers... Is he really that stupid? Who would be that silly?


He swears under his breath, and throws the boxers in a box with the other dirty clothes.

He puts on his clothes for the day and eats his morning cereals. Cereals? So he eats more than one?

He looks at the clock and walks out. Outside is standing Will This is a bit awkward. Outside is standing Will doesn't really make sense. Maybe have something like:

Will stands outside works better., who is our hero's good friend.


"Hiya, sleepy head," Will calls out. His long fair hair is combed so that it doesn't cover his face. His blue eyes flash in a child-like way.


"Shut up dude," our hero calls back.


"Oh. Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed. Didn't you John?" Will smiled. He had on a white shirt with the text: Some idiot went to London. And All I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Which John had bought him for Will's his birthday a year ago. He also had on a pair of black jeans and a jean jacket... blue by color.


John looked up at him. John had on just a pair of blue jeans and the same kind of blue jacket as Will. He had a plain green shirt under the jacket.


"The water's cold again." John snapped back. Will continued smiling.


Will looked at his clock and turned to John "We better hurry if we don't want to miss school.


John sighed. Again he had to run, was there no end to hurry? Did he really sleep always that long?


The pair started running.



Description and imagery.
You've not really given much. We want more imagery, more description. Give us more. We don't really care much about what clothes they're wearing. Especially seeing as they're wearing the exact same.

Narrative voice.
To be honest, at times the Hear him...Watch him... got rather irratating. Also; you change tenses a lot, is it in the present of the past? You need to fix this.

Characterization.
Improve a bit upon it. You need quirks. You've almost grasped that. I get the feeling that your MC is rather shallow and somewhat stupid, insolent and ignorant. Not admirable qualities. Why does he keep a hammer beside his bed? Why is he so stupid as to walk into the shower with clothes on? He has cereals for breakfast? More than one? Why?

Plot.
To be honest again; your characters are a bit cliched. The way of refering to the MC as our 'hero' is very cliched. I think you should keep that though, because that's your style of writing. At times this adds humour and is very effective. At other times this is a terrible downside.

Dialogue.
It doesn't work too well at all. Sleepy head isn't exactly how I imagine teenage boys interacting. Dude, is a tad too cliched for my liking.

Overall.
Your style works well at times. I love the moments of humour you have. Work a bit on your grammar and tenses, character development and carry on with the plot. It should be good I hope you take my advice and I'm sorry if I was too harsh

-Kirsten xxx