Because - Chap. 4

DELETED

Hey KJ! Thanks for the heads up,

I liked this. Though it was a little rusty.

My friends called in annoying.

It should be 'My friends called it annoying'

The discussion continued around me, more student making suggestions.

Oddly worded sentence. Try 'The discussion continued with students making suggestions around me'

We were discussing something about trees. Oak trees, I know. I think that we were trying to decide what kind of tree to plant in the front of the school, seeing as a storm had knocked down the old one that had been there for years.

This just didn't flow well for me. Try 'We were discussing which kind of tree should be planted in front of the school, since the storm knocked down the old one' I don't know. But facts er sentences like these don't be so sugary and calorie infested just keep it simple so that the story flows easily.

That was all I found and other than that, I'm still loving this stories. Rebecca is easy to relate to because she's so down to earth and everything. I just really can't wait till the plot thickens but its good that you're taking the time to let the reader know the character. Keep up the great work and I look forward to the next chapter.

Cheers,
~Angel

I think angel of death has picked up on all the errors but don't quote me on this....I simply didn't find any others myself....

I love your character and do find her really easy to relate to, which obviously can never be a bad thing...the only thing I would say though, try and keep her quirky throughout...otherwise she could be considered a bit stereotypical and I don't think this is what you're going for....

Kudos to you my dear!

Wow. This was really good. I like the chapters where you're going back to the past more, because they describe the character more, when she was happy.

Thanks for letting me know this was up! These are great! Keep me posted.

Thanks for the reviews, guys. And the compliments Chap. 5 will probably be up tomorrow, if you're interested.

I didn't find any problems, yet again. Another great chapter. I can't wait for the next one to be posted. Mind PMing me when you post it? Thanks.

-Venom

Bada ba ba ba I'm lovin it. This is a great chapter that just opened a door to so many other good ones. I love your work, and since I can never find anything wrong with it I'm just gonna pick my fav thing.


In the doorway,
time stood still.
Embraced and lost,
it mourns the obvious.
The teeth and the hate,
pour out everything felt.
Regret, tension,
light rays and taps.
An explosion of sighs,
chaos erupts. [quote]

This poem was very fascinating, I loved it. It reminded me of that poem you wrote in your Needles and Roses (My Lady Greensleeves) chapter. Keep on writing! I can't wait to read the next chapter tomorrow, and I can't wait for Violet, My Lady Greensleeves, and By Sun By Moon updates.

Chapter Four review is up and ready to go

When I was normal, when I had friends and spoke up during class, when my life hadn’t been changed by Will Sheldon, I loved insignificant facts. Like the fact that donkeys kill more people annually than airplane crashesWhat?! Really? lol I remember you looking up these facts that day during lunch hehe. I'm glad you found some funny ones., or the fact that Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. My boyfriends called the habit endearing. My friends called in annoying.

After that first day in Journalism, the butterflies in my stomach settled down. Mr. Sheldon treated me like any other teacher I had ever had, and I realized how ridiculous my behavior had been. Ann, however, made no such discoveries about hers, and continued to flirt and smile and giggle at our Journalism teacher.

Again, I can’t recall much about those first days and times I had with him. We were discussing something about trees. Oak trees, I know. I think that we were trying to decide what kind of tree to plant in the front of the school, seeing as a storm had knocked down the old one that had been there for years.

“Dude, I think we should plant an apple tree!” Heath said, grinning widely. “We could eat the apples!” He elbowed his buddy, and they both tried to look wise and self-assured.

No, kidding. How did he even get into the Journalism class? The discussion continued around me, more student making suggestions. I wasn’t listening that closely, working on a poem in my notebook, but no one could tune out Ann’s loud opinion.

“No, Heath,” she said, scowling. “Apple trees are too small. We need an oak tree. They’re huge, and they would give us some nice shade during cheerleading practice. I get so hot out there sometimes!” Ann looked sidelong at Mr. Sheldon, fanning her face with her hand.

He nodded. “Good input, Ann,” he said.

She beamed. “And the acorns would attract some cute squirrels. All we have around here are pigeons.” She rolled her eyes to add to the complaint.

I said it absently, “You’d be long graduated before you saw some squirrels. Oak trees don’t produce acorns until they’re at least fifty years old.”

Ann sighed, and Heath laughed. “Shut up, Becca,” my best friend snapped. “God, you always have to ruin everything.”

Used to her comments, I shrugged, adding another line to my poem.

“At least she doesn’t do everything,” Oh, I feel some tension going on here...Heath chortled, his meaning clear. Ann hissed and made a swipe at him.

While they argued around me, I remained in my little bubble, lost in a world of words and meanings.

But my bubble was popped when a hand descended on my notebook, and picked it up just as I lifted my pencil. Cross, I looked up to give Heath a piece of my mind. The foul words died in my throat when I saw who had my poem in his hands.

Mr. Sheldon regarded my work, reading it slowly. A blush spread across my cheeks as I imagined what he was reading, line by line.



In the doorway,

time stood still.

Embraced and lost,

it mourns the obvious.

The teeth and the hate,

pour out everything felt.

Regret, tension,

light rays and taps.

An explosion of sighs,

chaos erupts.

Good poem, Kels!


“How long have you been writing?” he asked me.

I swallowed. “About six years. I know it isn’t that good, but…”

He didn’t interrupt, and just stared at me with those fathomless eyes of his. “But what?” he urged, when I didn’t go on.

I shrugged again, at a loss. “But I’m working to get better.”

Mr. Sheldon gave me back my notebook, and I clasped it to my chest. He was still looking at me with that strange expression.

“Don’t stop writing,” he finally said. When I didn’t respond, he flashed a smile. It was a beautiful smile, just like the rest of him, and I somehow managed to smile back.

“I won’t.”

This was my favorite chapter so far. Very vivid again. I think your best chapters are teh ones about the past....so far

Keep it up!

Ooo, a flashback!

I really liked how you're making Wil-pardon me, Mr. Sheldon creepy but appealing at the same time. It's almost as if you're making the reader debate with themselves as to whether they do or don't like him.

He didn’t interrupt, and just stared at me with those fathomless eyes of his. “But what?” he urged, when I didn’t go on.

'Fathomless' is used excellently in this sentence! I think though, that there's not supposed to be a comma after 'urged'. The comma makes me want to pause and then the sentence sounds awkward if you know what I mean. And 'continue' might be better than 'go on'.

Other than that! Yay! Good job!

KJ-
Oh. Oh. Oh!! I just love this story.

I didn't get to say this in the other chapters, because I forgot, but you do an excellent way of going between the past and present. How Becca's thoughts are from the present and how she talks about the past.

This is great. Just great. I have woke up this morning to find an excellent story. Thank you!

-Merry

~I have got to read more...~

When I was normal, when I had friends and spoke up during class, when my life hadn’t been changed by Will Sheldon, I loved insignificant facts.

This is awkwardly formatted. Perhaps try using a dash after Sheldon instead of just another comma. Play around with punctuation a bit, not every pause is shown with a comma.

My friends called in annoying.

1. called it annoying.
2. You make her friends sound horrible...who are her friends by the way? Look for the in Characterization

I realized how ridiculous my behavior had been.

In my opinion she didn't do anything ridiculous. Maybe describe what she did in the previous chapter in more detail and make it seem ridiculous. Look for the in Overall.

How did he even get into the Journalism class?

He signed up? Unless there's a different procedure, in which case explain.

The discussion continued around me, more student making suggestions.

Student should be plural, I think.

I wasn’t listening that closely, working on a poem in my notebook, but no one could tune out Ann’s loud opinion.

Reword this. It's choppy and weird reading.

I said it absently, “You’d be long graduated before you saw some squirrels. Oak trees don’t produce acorns until they’re at least fifty years old.”

Put the tag after the dialogue. It reads better that way.

“Shut up, Becca,” my best friend snapped. “God, you always have to ruin everything.”

1. Call her Ann. We'll know who you're referring to.
2. Again, why are these two friends? From what I've seen between them Becca is constantly annoyed or putting up with her. There's very little friendship involved.

Used to her comments, I shrugged, adding another line to my poem.

Again, awkward wording.

While they argued around me, I remained in my little bubble, lost in a world of words and meanings.

Is Mr. Sheldon not doing anything at all to take control of the class?
_____________________________________________________

When I was normal, when I had friends and spoke up during class, when my life hadn’t been changed by Will Sheldon, I loved insignificant facts.

This is awkwardly formatted. Perhaps try using a dash after Sheldon instead of just another comma. Play around with punctuation a bit, not every pause is shown with a comma.

My friends called in annoying.

1. called it annoying.
2. You make her friends sound horrible...who are her friends by the way? Look for the in Characters

I realized how ridiculous my behavior had been.

In my opinion she didn't do anything ridiculous. Maybe describe what she did in the previous chapter in more detail and make it seem ridiculous. Look for the in Overall.

How did he even get into the Journalism class?

He signed up? Unless there's a different procedure, in which case explain.

The discussion continued around me, more student making suggestions.

Student should be plural, I think.

I wasn’t listening that closely, working on a poem in my notebook, but no one could tune out Ann’s loud opinion.

Reword this. It's choppy and weird reading.

I said it absently, “You’d be long graduated before you saw some squirrels. Oak trees don’t produce acorns until they’re at least fifty years old.”

Put the tag after the dialogue. It reads better that way.

“Shut up, Becca,” my best friend snapped. “God, you always have to ruin everything.”

1. Call her Ann. We'll know who you're referring to.
2. Again, why are these two friends? From what I've seen between them Becca is constantly annoyed or putting up with her. There's very little friendship involved.

Used to her comments, I shrugged, adding another line to my poem.

Again, awkward wording.

While they argued around me, I remained in my little bubble, lost in a world of words and meanings.

Is Mr. Sheldon not doing anything at all to take control of the class?
_____________________________________________________

Characters:

Here is where you should be developing characters. In previous chapters it was considered to be good characterization for your MC, but now, where she should be developing and things should be happening in the story, it's empty and lifeless. It's all tell, tell, tell. This happened, then this, then this, and I just sat there. Nobody wants to read about a character who does nothing and just observes. Put her in the conversation more, or at the very least, add some of her own thoughts and emotions into the piece. What is she feeling? What is she thinking? What is she doing? Show, show, show.

Your characters 'friends' don't seem to be friends at all. They're non-existant, snappy, mean, and don't seem to like her very much at all. Add in some scenes that prove to the reader that this character does have some good friends. I'm really beginning to hate Ann. This is how she looks to the readers: Annoying, mean, snappy, idiotic, bubbleheaded, uncaring, selfish, and, well...annoying. Now, doesn't that sound like a friend? No, not really.

This piece is beginning to lack in the characterization and description it needs to move on and encourage true readers.

Plot:

Not much is happening. This is your fourth chapter, and this is where you should be developing everyting. Characters, plot, danger, adding a tense air to everything. Make it worth reading, because right now, nothing much is going on.

Overall:

This is beginning to slack in terms of what stories have and don't have. Right now, all we have as a reader is a character with little dialogue, thought, or emotion, in a situation with an annoying friend and good looking teacher, all of who seem to have little dialogue, thought, or emotion.

The big missing link here is: Description. In everything, this seems to be lacking. As a reader I don't know what the character has done. I don't know what they're thinking, feeling. I don't know what they know, what the setting is, what it's like, what things look like, what they smell like. And frankly, because I am a reader, not knowing these things means that I care less and less for the piece as a whole.

Without the emotion her teacher is...there.
Without the emotion she is...empty.
There is no depth to this piece that snatches me up and keeps me reading. Sweep me off my feet. I know you can, in that first chapter it was wham! bam! action, feeling. What happened? Why is this counter-developing? Don't loose your momentum, grow on it throughout the story. Drive your reader mad with the feelings in your MC's heart. Make us feel like we are Becca and we're in love with our teacher, not like we're reading some girls scribbled journal.

You have so much potential in this, and you've proved that you can live up to that potential. So do it.
-JC

Have I mentioned how much I love this story? Cause I do! I love how you keep switching between the past and the present, because this really works for this story. It allows us to see what she was like before the even and after the event. And I know I keep repeating that, but you keep delving deeper into her character and it really just keeps coming to the surface.

When I was normal--when I had friends and spoke up during class, when my life hadn’t been changed by Will Sheldon--I loved insignificant facts.

I think that JC is right, and it does work better to have a bit of separation between the original start of the sentence and the ending of the sentence. That way you still get the whole repeating thing of how much things have changed, but you also are better able to make the jump back to the original start. And, seriously, I love how she loves random facts. And I love you include a sample of those random facts, really just a simple thing that adds to her character.

While they argued around me, I remained in my little bubble, lost in a world of words and meanings.

I love this line. And the poem used in this was amazing, truly amazing. I absolutely love it. And, I love how it's full of meaning, but it's not an obvious love poem.

When I didn’t respond, he flashed a smile. It was a beautiful smile, just like the rest of him, and I somehow managed to smile back.

And, in this instant, I can see what she sees in him and I can kind of see why she got together with him. This story is addictive because it's so amazing. I love it.

And, that's all I can really find. I do agree that Ann seems to be a bit of a pain, but we are only given a few glances of her as she competes for the 'cute' teacher's attention. And, having your wind blown out of your sails can get annoying... Basically, I'm not sure she's worth arguing about at the moment, since she doesn't seem to have a large part. Of course, as always, I'm mentioning this while you're 20 chapters ahead. I've got a lot of reading to do!!

Also, your my 75th review! Just because I felt like mentioning it. On to the next chapter!