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One
“Jaden” a voice called “Jaden Kaylana, where are you?” it was a man calling to me. I didn’t know where he was, or where I was for that matter. It was dark, I couldn’t see my own hand in front of my face. I took a small step back hitting a wall, it was cold concrete. I moved my hands along the wall when I ran into a cobweb. I wanted to scream. But held my breath and wiped it off on my jeans.
“What’s wrong Jaden?” the man said “Don’t like cobwebs?”
“Who are you and what do you want” I exclaimed stepping forwards away from the spiders.
“You’ll find out when the time is right” He said, this time he was closer to me though, I could here his footsteps as he came up behind me. “Why so worried Jaden” He said putting his hands on my shoulders.
“Get off of me” I yelled.
“Hey no need to shout” he whispered in my ear.
“Get away from me” I said elbowing him in the side, I heard him let out a breath as I hit him. I took this chance to run, but I didn’t make it very far, I ran into something hard with pointed corners. I ran my hands along it when I realized what it was; a coffin.
“Oh my god” I whispered backing up and running into another one. I screamed.
“Keep it down Jade, we don’t want to wake them” He said standing close to me again.
“Where am I?” I asked trying to sound calm.
“In the coffin room, where everyone sleeps” He explained “One day you’ll have a coffin of your own”
“When I’m 90 something” I said starting to run again, I needed to get away from him.
I ran as fast as I could, trying to avoid what I couldn’t see when I ran right into the man. I fell backwards on my butt. The ground was cold and hard, probably concrete like the walls. My wrist began to sting, it felt as if I had scrapped it.
“Ouch” I whispered.
“Don’t worry you’re not bleeding” he said pausing for a second “yet”
I gasped and struggled to get up. When I tried to stand I ended up falling down again, I sprained my ankle or something, because I just couldn’t stand up.
“You should really just sit and calm down” He said smiling, I couldn’t see it, but I knew he was smiling and it was an evil smile too.
I sighed and sat up. “what do you want with me?”
“Just to bring you to my side” He said with a laugh. I felt his hands on my shoulders again and his warm breath on my neck.
“No!” I yelled as I punched him in the face with my other hand, I could hear the crunching of bone when I hit his nose, I didn’t know if it was my bone or his that was breaking, and I didn’t care. I jumped up and gasped because my ankle still hurt, but started to run. I ran into more coffins, but I didn’t let them stop me. All of a sudden while I was running, I hit a wall. I was a little shocked, but shook it off. I moved along the cold concrete hoping to find a door.
“It’s no use” He said coming towards me. “Even if you do find the door you are mine” Then he laughed. A horrible evil laugh that made me shutter.
I ignored him and continued looking for the door. I finally found it, but I couldn’t get it open. I jiggled the doorknob a few times, I pulled on it, I tried everything. I began to get even more panicked tears starting to form burning in my eyes.
“Shit” I whispered, about to give up when the door opened. I wiped away the tears and ran through to a hall way partially lit by torches, but the light didn’t last long, as the man got closer the torches began to go out. I began to run again, straight down the hall not looking back. I refused to become his.
I pretty much try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face~Johnny Depp"




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Hello there, I am here to review your story!

Here I go:

“Jaden,” a voice called. “Jaden Kaylana, where are you?” It was a man calling to me. I didn’t know where he was, or where I was for that matter. It was dark; I couldn’t see my own hand in front of my face. I took a small step back , hitting a wall; it was cold concrete. I moved my hands along the wall when I ran into a cobweb. I wanted to scream, but held my breath and wiped it off on my jeans.


This paragraph had an example of all the grammatical errors you made.
1. dialogue puncuation
2. run-on sentences

I’m not going to point out every one, but here are some basic rules that will help you with editing your dialogue in this.

“Shirley is coming,” she said.
“Get back here!” she screamed.
“Did you see that?” she asked.
“Well…” Her voice trailed off.
“I’ll get it.” She picked up the blanket.
“Hey,” she replied, “I’d love to.”
“I can’t believe that,” she said. “I would’ve never expected it.”

And again, I won’t point out every one, but you need to go through this, find your run-ons, and correct them.

If a sentence has more than one subject and one verb, then it needs to have a comma-conjunction (, and), a semi-colon (;), or needs to be made into two sentences. You could also possibly reword it completely until you don’t have two subjects and two predicates.

My wrist began to sting, it felt as if I had scrapped it.

This sentence has two subjects and two predicates. To fix it, you could either do

My wrist began to sting, and it felt as if I had scraped it.
Or
My wrist began to sting; it felt as if I had scraped it.
Or
My wrist began to sting. It felt as if I had scraped it.
Or
My wrist began to sting as if I had scraped it.


Then, you choose which one sounds best with the flow of the sentences. I, personally, would choose the second one or the fourth one.

“Oh my God” I whispered backing up and running into another one. I screamed.


I could [s]here[/s] hear his footsteps as he came up behind me.


I ran my hands along it when I realized what it was: a coffin.


“When I’m 90 something” I said starting to run again, I needed to get away from him.

I didn’t like this. I’m not really sure why. I just didn’t.
Okay, now I’m going to tell you all of the wonderful aspects of your story.

I loved the suspense and the scariness of it all. Her attitude toward the whole thing wasn’t the usual “damsel in distress” and that was good. You did a very nice job describing the place she was in. It was a very good idea for a story, and I was hooked right away. Besides the grammatical errors, it was very good. So, edit it, and write more!!

Great job,
Carleeee :D
"... and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, " (Hebrews 12:1)

"This race: if you are in it, do your best to win it."
-The Amazing Aaron!




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Reviews 36
ShadowQueen92 wrote:One
“Jaden” a voice called “Jaden Kaylana, where are you?” it was a man calling to me.

Here you are missing a comma after the first Jaden.

I wanted to scream. But held my breath and wiped it off on my jeans.

I think instead of seperating these sentences make it one by adding a comma after scream, taking away the period, and lower casing But

“What’s wrong Jaden?” the man said “Don’t like cobwebs?”

Instead of the question mark after Jaden put a comma.

“Who are you and what do you want” I exclaimed stepping forwards away from the spiders.

You are missing a question mark after want

“You’ll find out when the time is right”

Missing a period after want

“Why so worried Jaden” He said putting his hands on my shoulders.

Question mark after Jaden

“Get off of me” I yelled.

Exclamation point after me

“Hey no need to shout” he whispered in my ear.

Period after shout

“Get away from me” I said elbowing him in the side, I heard him let out a breath as I hit him.

Exclamation point after me

“Oh my god” I whispered backing up and running into another one. I screamed.

Period after god

“Keep it down Jade, we don’t want to wake them” He said standing close to me again.

Period after them

“In the coffin room, where everyone sleeps” He explained “One day you’ll have a coffin of your own”

Period after own

“When I’m 90 something” I said starting to run again, I needed to get away from him.

So there is no comfusion add or between 90 and something. You also need a period a period after something

“Ouch” I whispered.

Period after ouch

“Don’t worry you’re not bleeding” he said pausing for a second “yet”

Put a comma after bleeding and period after yet

“You should really just sit and calm down”

Period after down

He said smiling, I couldn’t see it, but I knew he was smiling and it was an evil smile too

So it could flow better you say something like, [/b]He said, I heard a smile in his voice something like that

“what do you want with me?”

Capitalize the W in what

“It’s no use” He said coming towards me.

Period after use

“Even if you do find the door you are mine” Then he laughed.

Period after mine

I jiggled the doorknob a few times, I pulled on it, I tried everything. I began to get even more panicked tears starting to form burning in my eyes.

period after panicked. Once you put the period fix the new sentence it should be something like,
Tears started to form in my eyes, burning them.[b]

“Shit” I whispered, about to give up when the door opened.

Period after shit haha
_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I really like this, it's really interesting! You are missing some commas so you might want to read your work and check. You dialog too is a little messy, you tend to miss quotation marks so read your work.

Otherwise, I really like it. Sorry if I sound harsh or anything i don't mean too. Please PM when the next chapter is posted or if you need any help!

Krisy




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 147
Hello I'm Jasmine, you can call me Jas or Jazz. Whatever, it doesnt matter to me.

“Jaden” a voice called “Jaden Kaylana, where are you?” it was a man calling to me.

A few things wrong here. Lemme just rewrite the sentence so that you don't get confused. "Jaden," a voice called. "Jaden Kaylana, where are you?" It was a man falling to me See the punctuation errors?
~~~~~~~
I wanted to scream. But held my breath and wiped it off on my jeans.

If read out loud, it sounds like you wanted this to be one sentence. Just put a comma instead of a period and make sure to use a lower case 'B'
~~~~~~~
“What’s wrong Jaden?” the man said “Don’t like cobwebs?”

Okay, here we have a simple, common mistake with grammar. One, he asked not said. And after you fix that, you would put a period after asked.
~~~~~~~~~
“Who are you and what do you want” I exclaimed stepping forwards away from the spiders.

Again, another common mistake. Comma after exclaimed.
~~~~~~~~~~
“You’ll find out when the time is right” He said, Period after said and create a new sentence here. this time he was closer to me Take out thoughtthough, I could here his footsteps as he came up behind me. “Why so worried Jaden” He asked this and either a comma or question mark. If comma then lower case the 'H' comma after asked.He said putting his hands on my shoulders.

~~~~~~~~~
“Get off of me” I yelled.

Shrieked maybe a better word to use here. Either a comma or exclamation point after 'me'
~~~~~~~~~
“Hey no need to shout” he whispered in my ear.

Comma after 'hey' and 'shout'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Get away from me” I said elbowing him in the side,

I'm guessing you didn't know about this grammar rule. It's okay. Just remember that there has to be some kind of punctuation inside the quotes. And after 'said' or 'asked' or what ever you use.
~~~~~~~~~~
I took this chance to run, but I didn’t make it very far, I ran into something hard with pointed corners.

I'm not trying to sound mean here, but this description was kind of bland. It wasn't even a description. Maybe reword it, use a thesaurus.
~~~~~~~~~~
I ran my hands along it when I realized what it was; a coffin.

I'd reword this to something like I ran my hands along it then realized what it was. A coffin. What you put, doesn't really make sense. Why would you run your hands along a coffin?
~~~~~~~~~~~
“Oh my god” I whispered backing up and running into another one

She wouldn't 'run' into another one. Maybe she Bumped? and comma after god and whispered.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I screamed.

Again, this sounds like you didn't really have fun writing this. Make her have emotions. How is her heart rate doing?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Keep it down Jade, we don’t want to wake them” He said standing close to me again.

Does she recognize the voice? What does it sound like? Does it sound like he is smiling? Like he is just toying with her? Wake who? Comma after them and said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Where am I?” I asked trying to sound calm.

Why isn't she calm? You haven't even hinted to her freaking out. Have her panting or crying or something. Comma after asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“In the coffin room, where everyone sleeps” He explained “One day you’ll have a coffin of your own”

*Twitch-Twitch* Creepy. Good creepy. Just add a tag to the end like an eerie chuckle or something along those lines. Comma after sleeps. Period after explained.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When I’m 90 something” I said starting to run again, I needed to get away from him.

First, if you use this, write out ninety. Second, take it out. It makes the MC sound kind of full of herself and doesn't really help set the 'Creepy' factor here. Something like "Jesus Christ!" I screamed, running away from where the voice was coming from. My heart was pounding against my chest as I tried to form coherent thoughts. I needed to get away from him. Even though, that's pretty obvious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I ran as fast as I could, trying to avoid what I couldn’t see when I ran right into the man. I fell backwards on my butt. The ground was cold and hard, probably concrete like the walls. My wrist began to sting, it felt as if I had scrapped it.

okay, here. The first sentence didn't flow well. Maybe you could rewrite it. The last sentence would flow easier if it was something like, My wrists began to throb, making me think i scrapped them on something.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Ouch” I whispered.

Remember that punctuation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Don’t worry you’re not bleeding” he said pausing for a second “yet”

Comma after bleeding. Comma after said. Period after second. capatilize 'Yet' and period after.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I tried to stand I ended up falling down again, I sprained my ankle or something, because I just couldn’t stand up.

Why did she fall down again? Did she slip? Why would she think that she sprained her ankle? Did it hurt?
~~~~~~~~~
“You should really just sit and calm down” He said smiling, I couldn’t see it, but I knew he was smiling and it was an evil smile too.

Uhhh...switch 'really' and 'should' and take out 'calm'. Put a comma after down. Comma after Said, and period after smiling. I could hear the smile in his voice Makes more sense for the second part there about his smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sighed and sat up. "Wwhat do you want with me?”
Take out 'Just '“Just to bring you to my side” He said with a laugh. I felt his hands on my shoulders again and his warm breath on my neck.

~~~~~~~~~
“No!” I yelled as I punched him in the face with my other hand,

Punched with her 'good' hand? When did she hurt her hand? Or is it being used for something else? Show us what's going on instead of telling us.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I could hear the crunching of bone when I hit his nose,

This is one sentence. Use a period at the end.
~~~~~~~~~~~
I didn’t know if it was my bone or his that was breaking, and I didn’t care. I jumped up and gasped because my ankle still hurt, but started to run. I ran into more coffins, but I didn’t let them stop me. All of a sudden while I was running, I hit a wall. I was a little shocked, but shook it off. I moved along the cold concrete hoping to find a door.

Few pointers here. She ran into a wall? If it is still dark, say that she was having touble seeing what was around her. Say that she clenched her teeth or something against the pain from her ankle. Owie!!
~~~~~~~~~
“It’s no use” He said coming towards me. “Even if you do find the door you are mine” Then he laughed. A horrible evil laugh that made me shutter.

Comma after use. Comma after said. Comma after door. Take out the period after laughed and replace with a comma.
~~~~~~~~~
I began to get even more panicked tears starting to form burning in my eyes.

This is a little awkward. Maybe reword it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“Shit” I whispered, about to give up when the door opened.

Comma after shit. Maybe have her throw the door open.
~~~~~~~~~~


Okay, this piece does need a bit of work but could become something. What is she thinking? What had last happened to her before she ended up here? You left open a lot of unanswered questions. You also have an issue with 'showing not telling'

Honestly, i wouldnt feel bad if she did become his. You didnt really have anything here that would make me all scared at the end. I wasnt hooked.

Sorry if this was harsh. I am just trying to help.

--Jazz
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched



Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp