break up

I was happy when you held me,
When you kissed me,
When you said you loved me,
But when she came along I was forgotten.

Left on a corner in the rain,
But you didn't notice my tears.
The pain that screamed within me,
The broken heart you left.

When you came back,
I accepted you.
Only to have lost my heart,
Only to have died within,
Only to have cut deeply,
And end up in a grave.

Grieve upon me,
Feel my sorrow,
Because there will be,
No tomorrow.

Great technique, emotion, and conveying of the storyline. Overall, a great poem.

I would like to hear more contrast of the happiness / sadness. Expand the first few lines into more about you two being together.

I was happy when you held me

When you kissed me

When you said you loved me

But then she came along I was forgotten

Left on a corner in the rain

But you didn't notice my tears

The pain that screamed within me

The broken heart you left

When you came back

I accepted you

Only to have lost my heart

Only to have died within

Only to have cut deeply

And end up in a grave

Grieve upon me

Feel my sorrow

Because there will be

No tomorrow

OMG this is so brilliant, i seriosly loved it all the way through, it was so great how at first i was kind of thinking this is just like another love poem then it changed so dramatically and swept me off my feet lol
it was amazing, i just want to read it again, it was so emotional and simple and clear, it needs punctuation but i dont care about that i was hooked before i even knew i was hooked if you know what i mean, it was just perfect, nothing i could spot was wrong with it the line about the grave shocked me because i knew her despair but it was only then that i realised how serios it was
great job, loved it

Hello there,

I really enjoyed reading this!

I was happy when you held me

When you kissed me

When you said you loved me

But then she came along I was forgotten

Left on a corner in the rain

But you didn't notice my tears

The pain that screamed within me

The broken heart you left

When you came back

I accepted you

Only to have lost my heart

Only to have died within

Only to have cut deeply

And end up in a grave

Grieve upon me

Feel my sorrow

Because there will be

No tomorrow

The whole thing just got to me i was hooked from the beginning. I really love the originality of this words you used matched perfectly. And it really flowed easily and is simple. I believe you could become great writing these kind of things. Your an amazing writer keep it up!Good luck with future pieces i look forward to reading what else you can come up with ;]

With all due respect,

Mackenzie

Great poem! I love the intense emotion that so many of us can relate to. You need to add some commas and periods to make the distinctions between each thought.

But then she came along I was forgotten

This should either say "But when she came along I was forgotten" or have some sort of punctuation between the words "along" and "I".

Grieve upon me
Feel my sorrow
Because there will be
No tomorrow

I really like this ending. Overall, you wrote a very good poem. Awesome job