[Deleted. Feel free to PM me if you're a former reader wondering why/where it is now. If the mods would rather delete this entirely, feel free. The reviews are sort of nice to look back on now and then as pick me ups though.
Last edited by Pattycakes on Mon Jun 15, 2009 4:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
"I could see the tables sitting there, just out of my reach. Kinda the way Death feels about Bob Barker. "
XD Oh my God, you are my favorite person at this moment. This was the funniest thing I have read since...well, a very long time ago, considering I've been beefing up for the forensics season and Human Rights Watch is not necessarily a laugh. Really, though, this was hysterical, and I'm loving Andrew more than ever. Plus, you managed to explain Kritikal analysis in the space of what, three paragraphs? Intensity.
The one thing that I'll ramble about for this chapter (and probably have rambled about before) is your comma usage. It's off and on. There are sometimes when you'll use too many, and sometimes when you'll use them more or less...never. They're especially important in dialogue because they mark vocal pauses, and without them, people begin to sound breathless.
Example?
“Absolutely. For a second there I thought you were Don checking up on me. Between you and me, my friend, that man is too intense for me. What's up?”
This whole sentence is very expressionless, especially for a first-generation Indian-American, who is stereotypically very vibrant and demonstrative. Try: "What? Absolutely! For a second there, I thought you were Don checking up on me." He lowered his voice. "Between you and me, my friend, that man is way too intense for me. What's up?"
Besides putting in commas to mark verbal pauses, you can split up lines of speech to add those pauses in where they would happen between sentences. It's quick and dirty, and will keep the reader focused on the exchange, even if the one character tends to ramble on for a while.
Once again, you are my favorite, and I am looking forward to chapter twelve.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.
