My query letter

Can you guys read over this for me? I'm not just looking for grammar mistakes; I want to know if it makes you want to read it too. Be critical, please!




Dear Agent:

What would you do if your worst nightmare was the only thing that could save your life?

I read on your website that you are interested in reality-based fantasy novels and thrilling page-turners. I am confident that you will appreciate the world of FIREBRAND, a young adult fantasy approximately 92,500 words in length.

Seventeen-year-old Marcella Beauregard is obnoxious, antisocial and sarcastic – and she likes it that way. Because while her teachers and classmates are busy hating her, they can’t ask about the house fire that killed her father, her grades, or her constant nightmares. But when beautiful, popular Vanessa invites her to go swimming at the river, she’s too curious to say no.

When Marc is separated from Nessie, a wrong turn takes her over a waterfall and into a dream-world where fire and darkness are alive, and they live in the bodies of warriors who battle the night. In this world Marc is suffering from a disease caused by darkness, a disease that is slowly destroying her body and mind. And when she wakes up in the hospital a few hours later, she has a fever, a wound that will not heal, and the taste of ash on her tongue. As Marc hurtles back and forth between two worlds, not sure which is reality, she begins to question everything – who she is, what really happened to her dad, and why Death and Darkness are hunting her.

FIREBRAND is my first novel, and I have tentative plans for two more follow-up books. I have been a staff writer for my local newspaper since 2007, writing both hard news articles and a monthly column. I lived more than half my life in Po-dunk, Colorado, the small town where Marcella’s story takes place. I now live in Slightly Bigger City, where I am studying English at A Major State University.

Thank you for your time in reading this letter and considering my manuscript. I look forward to hearing back from you.


Sincerely,
Sunny

Hey fellow instructor

I didn't notice any mistakes...at all....so good stuff

It must definitely makes me want to read it though, so you've hit both of your objectives in my humble opinion!

You going to post this? Or have you already?

I just want to read it!

I couldn't spot any mistakes either on this one!

Well done!

This will certainly be a good reference for when anyone else needs to write a query letter!

-Ember

Looks good. It's concise, opens with a good hook (which will hopefully keep the agent reading beyond the first line) and you've managed to sum up your novel well.

Only one suggestion: replace 'Dear Agent' with the agents actual name.

Wow, this was great. I actually was wondering how you were supposed to write these type of letters. So now, when I get ready to send in my manuscript I have a good example. You did such a good job summarizing your story, I really want to read your book now. Good luck, Sunny.

~Angel

Sureal wrote:
Only one suggestion: replace 'Dear Agent' with the agents actual name.

Thanks Sureal. I plan to, I just didn't want to post the agent's name on YWS - it seemed kind of pointless. :)


I appreciate you guys looking over this! I'll be sending it off to an agent as soon as I finish my final edit, so wish me luck!

Couple things.

Seventeen-year-old Marcella Beauregard is obnoxious, antisocial and sarcastic – and she likes it that way. Because while her teachers and classmates are busy hating her, they can’t ask about the house fire that killed her father, her grades, or her constant nightmares.

Unless you have a very particular sentence structure, starting a sentence with because just doesn't work. The only way it does work is: Because this happens, this happens. But you have it This happens. Because this happens. Doesn't quite flow.

Secondly, the sudden switching to nicknames in the second synop paragraph threw me for a loop. At first I thought you were talking about totally different people. Either introduce the nickname when you introduce the character, or use full names throughout.

Synop is good, though you end paragraph one with a "When this happens...." and then start the next paragraph with the same thing. I'd drop the whole "when marc finds herself" and simply start the next paragraph (or continue the first) with "A wrong turn takes her".

The idea that fire and darkness are alive is an interesting one, but I find myself confused as to what it means: Does it mean they are thinking entities, a species perhaps, that take hosts? Or is it more like Light burning within - some people are wholly good here, and some are wholly dark? Clarifying this would probably be more gripping than leaving it vague, because when I read this, I dont' know what to think.

Lastly, whether sequels are planned or not is an unnecessary detail. The agent doesn't care that you have a trilogy planned out - especially on your first attempt. They want to know whether you can write ONE book, not whether you can plan out three. It may even harm your chances of snagging them.

This was a very good query letter, and aside from the above points, was very well written. Being at the same stage of the "publishing" process, I wish you the best of luck. I'm sure you'll get a few nibbles, and with a premise as interesting as yours, a couple big bites.

~Annie

BTW: I kinda want to read this book. Looking for a beta?

Seriously, the summary makes me want to read the story. Is it posted?

No, it's not posted. I took it off the internet a while back because I didn't want to ruin my chances of getting it published. But I'll probably email it to some YWSers after I send it off. TL G-Wooster read part of it. But there is a waiting list. My family still hasn't been allowed to see it.

Annie, thank you so much for your critique! It was so helpful. Yes, I realize that the idea of the elements being alive is confusing. The idea is that they are somewhat like thinking entities - they are forces. In this world darkness is a disease and fire is the blood transfusion available to cure it; each one is the physical spirit of two separate entities that have been warring since the beginning of time. If you have any suggestions on how I should word that in my letter, I am definitely open to your ideas!

As far as a beta, my boyfriend is already helping me read over it, so I'm set as far as that goes. However, if you'd like to read it I can email it to you as soon as he's done.

So, I re-vamped my query letter. I like it a little better now:


Attn. Awesome Agent Person:

What would you do if your worst nightmare was the only thing that could save your life?

I understand you represent young adult novels, especially with a fantasy bent. I believe you will enjoy the world of Firebrand, a YA fantasy complete at 92,000 words.

Marc Beauregard is an expert at shutting people out. She has spent the last two years effectively driving the rest of the world crazy – which keeps them from asking about her dad’s death, her counseling sessions, and her recurring nightmares. But after a near-death experience, Marc is suddenly hurtling back and forth between a hospital bed and a world where those nightmares are reality. In the nightmare world, Marc’s weird illness is caused by a living darkness that is slowly rotting her body and soul. In her own world, doctors struggle to diagnose the strange tar in her bloodstream, the unnatural fractures, and the constant, raging fevers. As the line between two realities begins to blur, one thing becomes obvious: both in the hospital and in her dreams, Marc is dying. Someone somewhere holds the key to her survival, and Marc must find it – soon – because her expiration date is coming up. But surviving will be harder than it sounds, since Marc’s dark disease is contagious, and the only possible cure is the one thing she fears more than death.

Firebrand is my first novel. I have spent the last two years working at the Mountain Valley News, a local newspaper, writing articles and my own monthly column. I spent most of my life in Cedaredge, Colorado, the small town in which Marc’s story is based.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. Please be aware that I have queried multiple agencies concerning Firebrand. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Sincerely,
(Sunny)

Revamped yet again.


Attn. Agent:

What would you do if your worst nightmare was the only thing that could save your life?

I understand from your website that you represent YA novels and fantasy fiction with one foot in reality. Based on this information, I believe you will enjoy my young adult fantasy, FIREBRAND, complete at 92,000 words.

After a tragic house fire took her father’s life, seventeen-year-old Marc Beauregard shut out the world. But when a near-death experience leaves her with a strange sickness, Marc is hurtling back and forth between two worlds – a hospital bed and a half-familiar nightmare. In this horrific dream, Marc’s illness is caused by a sentient, parasitic darkness with a vendetta against her. In the hospital, doctors try to diagnose the sticky mud in her bloodstream, the raging fevers, and the sores that will not heal. As the line between two realities begins to blur, one thing becomes obvious: both in the hospital and in her dreams, Marc is dying. Someone somewhere holds the key to her survival, and Marc must find it soon before the sickness takes over completely. But surviving will be harder than it sounds, since Marc’s dark disease is contagious, and the only possible cure is the one thing she fears more than death.

FIREBRAND is my first novel. I currently work for the Mountain Valley News, a local newspaper, writing articles and my own monthly column. I spent most of my life in A Tiny Little Town, the small town in which Marc’s story is based.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. Please be aware that I have queried multiple agencies concerning FIREBRAND. The full manuscript is available upon your request.

Sincerely,

Sunny


***
Mostly I just want to know if it catches your attention. I'm pretty sure the format and grammar is pretty good. But feel free to nitpick anything.

To be completely honest, I found this part of the origional to be more compelling (especially the bolded part):

When Marc is separated from Nessie, a wrong turn takes her over a waterfall and into a dream-world where fire and darkness are alive, and they live in the bodies of warriors who battle the night. In this world Marc is suffering from a disease caused by darkness, a disease that is slowly destroying her body and mind. And when she wakes up in the hospital a few hours later, she has a fever, a wound that will not heal, and the taste of ash on her tongue. As Marc hurtles back and forth between two worlds, not sure which is reality, she begins to question everything – who she is, what really happened to her dad, and why Death and Darkness are hunting her.

The current version feels a bit too bogged-down in the details for me. You describe things too much, and like half of your new synopsis is just spent describing Marc's illness too us, when all we really need to know is that it's strange. You also over-use vague terms, most notably: 'sentient, parasitic darkness', which doesn't have much of an effect.

But of course, I'm not an agent, so I'm not sure how helpful I'm being.

No, that's really helpful. Thank you.

I'm not sure how to make that phrase more specific, though...any ideas?

This actually reminds of a game I played. Project Zero: The tormented

I like it. Very nice.

It's hard to say which one I really like, but the first one was more...(can't think of a word)

I also agree with Sureal. The new version is too detailed, while the first one was plain and gave you a clear idea.

Just write the Agent's name.
In the end sincerely and everything is good.

Awesome! Thank you all so very much for your input! I think I'm going to take the pieces from the first version that you all liked and mix it with the ending of the latest letter - because I like that part. It's mysterious.

And as it so happens, I have an agent reading my manuscript as we speak. So we'll see how that works out.