Hellfire

EDIT:
I changed it from 3rd person POV to first person. Let me know if I missed anything! Thanks!
Also. If you're going to review saying "Omg this sucks fix it sorry," DON'T apologize and DON'T just leave it at that. Give suggestions on How. To. Fix. It! Surely if YOU know that it's wrong, then YOU know how to fix it. Perhaps "No crit is too harsh" is a bit of an overstatement?
Moving? We were moving?! How could this be? I couldn’t leave Manhattan now! Not now, not like this! I had friends, love, a life! We couldn’t possibly move!
“But…but…we can’t!” I cried. I looked into my mom’s dark brown eyes and I could see my reflection. She was as close to tears as I was.
“I’m sorry, Larara. We have to. It’s the only way we can make money.” She sat next to me on the couch. “You’ll love Malibu! I know it.”
“But it…it’s not New York…!” My voice trembled as I tried maybe a little too hard to keep that lump in my throat from making itself known.
“Oh, honey, I – I’m so sorry…”
I stared at my trembling hands. My mouth dropped a little and my breathing speed increased, like I was hyperventilating. My vision blurred and I felt tiny rivers of tears washing down my face. I hid in my hands and let it all out. I could feel pieces of my yellow hair falling around me.
“Please don’t cry, Larara,” I heard her say, but the lump in her throat was quite apparent as well.
My whole life was here. My friends, my love, my past, everything. And now I had to leave it all? To go to the opposite corner of the country? How could I possibly be expected to do that?
After a bit, I looked at my hands. There were little pools of tears in them. I carelessly dumped them on the floor and stood up robotically.
“Excuse me…” I whispered and walked stiffly, like a zombie, towards the stairs.
When I did make it upstairs, I shuffled over to my bed, flopped down onto it, and continued crying my heart out. After a few minutes, I felt something reach up and touch the small section of bed next to me. I looked up and saw my husky, Rayne, sitting back on her haunches with her paw on the edge of the bed. Her sad blue eyes stared at me with powerful emotion and sympathy. Her wolven genes made her tall even when she sat down, so she was eye-level with me.
"I can’t do it, Rayne,” I told her. “It’s like she wasn’t thinking about me…about how I’d feel… It’s like she doesn’t care…” Rayne reached her other paw up and placed it comfortingly on my back. I managed to cry myself to sleep.
* * *
I hugged all my friends and kissed my boyfriend for the last time. Tears streaked down my face as I hugged all of them. They had always been so loyal, and perfect, and in general, ideal friends. Each of us had a special inside joke or secret handshake we used to say good-bye with. They had all always been there for me, and I knew I could never replace any of them. After a very emotional good-bye, I finally boarded the plane that would take me to my new life.
"You're positive that Rayne is on the plane?"
"Yes, Larara, she's on here. I would never ever leave Manhattan without our precious dog."
"My dog, mother. My precious dog. Rayne is mine."
"Right, right. Rayne is your dog. I'm sorry..."
I exhaled deeply and continued to stare out the window. It was times like now that I wondered how much different things would be if dad were still around. My mom told me that he died in a car crash when I was four, but I never really believed her. It was far too common a way to die. I remembered him a little, but not much. I knew that I got my looks from him - blonde hair, green eyes, tan skin, medium height; basically my entire appearance. My mom, with her dark brown hair, eyes, nearly white skin, and tall build, looked nothing like me whatsoever. I also remembered that he was a pretty cool, fun-loving guy, who loved to play. Mom never wanted to do any of that stuff. She always acted like she was above it all. But not dad. No matter how tired he was, he always managed to find a little time for me. The thought of how much he cared brought a smile to my face and I looked up at the sky. Not that mom didn't care, just that she could never match my dad. I knew that, where ever he was, he was watching me, wishing more than anything that we could do that again.
I heard her start to talk again. A little disgusted, I rolled my eyes and stuck my iPod earbuds in my ears to drown her out. Nine hours later, we landed in Malibu, California. I had to shield my eyes from all of the sun's bright rays. All throughout the car ride to our new home, I complained about how it was too hot and too bright. Maybe we'd go back. "How hot is it here?" "What's the temperature?" "Manhattan never got this hot." "Why is it so bright?" "I can't even see anything!" Rayne covered her ears with her paws.
It was a lie, of course. At least, that last part was. I stared out the window the entire time, and I saw everything. Palm trees. Palm trees as far as the eye could see. Lines and lines of different size and color buildings lined the boardwalk to the brightly shimmering ocean just beyond. Hundreds of people all along the shore dashed towards the water, eager to be impaled by the ocean's waves. Much as I didn't want to, I couldn't help but smile. Secretly, I wondered if I would like it here, and if I'd get used to it. I quickly pushed the thought away. The beach would get old after awhile. I continued throwing out annoyances the rest of the way there.
When we pulled into the round-about driveway of our new house, however, I stopped complaining altogether.
I stepped out and saw a mansion in front of me. My jaw dropped in the form of a smile. White stucco was plastered to the incredibly lengthy walls of the home's face and red roof tiles gave it a charming Spanish flair. Red shutters to match were decoratively screwed to the wall beside every window, with the exceptions of a couple extra large and extra small ones. Rayne trotted up to the double oak doors that led inside and I hurried after her. Once inside, I marveled at the hugeness of the new house. And it truly was new. It had just gotten finished being built, and I could tell, because it still had that new-house-smell. The freshness of the forest wood that constructed the floors filled my senses and the feeling of nature consumed me. The smell of drywall hovered above every room and settled over me the longer I stood in one place. My shoes echoed through the entire house with every running step I took.
I darted upstairs to find my room. And find it, I did. The room was huge. At least twice the size of my room in Manhattan. I was definitely pleased.

As usual, good job! ^_^ Great details and I really like where this is heading! (Partially because I already know where this is leading, lol) Anyway, there isn't much to critique except for the fact that you may have used 'mother' a bit too often. And I like how you describe things. You put in detail-but not so much as to bore the heck out of your reader. That is something I noticed from a lot of the other stories. Keep up the interest in your story!

RayneChild wrote:That is, until that day. The day that everything went totally wrong.

I like is, but 'That is, until that day.' doesn't work. To many 'that's in one short sentence. Maybe you could change it to something like, That is, until one day... when everything went totally wrong.

RayneChild wrote:Pulling away from her mother, she said, "How come whenever you tell me to trust you, everything goes totally wrong?"

You use the words totally wrong not to long ago, so try changing that.

RayneChild wrote:"She doesn't care, Rayne," Larara said to her half-wolf-half-husky.

Try replacing that with told.

RayneChild wrote:Rayne was peacefully snoozing next to her loving mistress.

This, I think, is my favorite line out of the whole piece.


As a note, be careful with all the caps, exclamation and question marks.

Man, what a little brat Larara is! xD I wish the mother would say something to her and stop being a suck up.
Anyways, good job so far. Keep it up!

Thank you all for your advice! It's amazing to see how many mistakes I actually made... But I fixed them all! ^^ OMG Carzyl, you were soo right! I used mother a TON of times... And believe me, Larara gets worse as far a brattiness goes. But the idea of her personality is that Larara becomes quite the little bitch when she's mad. I'm glad that it's easy to see! Thanks again for the critiques! Keep it coming!

I think you came on a little too fast for a first chapter- you explained Larara's life, the fight with her mom, Larara wakign up at three in the morning, and how she moved to a mansion in Malibu. I could imagine that being in two or three chapters. Another thing that I think you could work on is 'showing' and not 'telling'. You told the readers that Larara was popular and had a perfect life instead of explaining it in a scene. I think you could go into that a little deeper, or if you prefer, just going straight into the actions- the fight between Larara and her mom. You don't even need the little introductory paragraph about Larara.

Overall, though, I thought it was pretty nice- I liked the way you depicted Larara and her mother. I feel like I know the characters already!

Hope this helps!

-Ember

So here's your review! Just a warning, I'm doing this when its really late where I am (because I'm silly and forgot to do it in the day) and so there may be a lot of pet peeves and nit picks. Just don't take anything to heart and don't be offended, just keep in mind that its about two in the morning over here so it may just be me on some of these. Anyway, to the review:

"We're moving?!" I screamed at my mother. She jumped back a little. "How could you do this to me?! And why am I just now finding out about it?! How long have you been planning this?!"
"Now, sassy, I think you're overreacting a little."

1)I'm annoyed by the use of '?!' in here. Normally it does bother me, but not to the point where I actually point it out, but because they were so close together. I would suggest: "We're moving?" I screamed at my mother.
without the explanation point because the word 'screamed' helps the reader know the reaction. Though the punctuation bothered me, you played out the reaction on the dot. My mom wanted to move. Out of country. So I know the feeling. We didn't because my sister got accepted into a program, but that (above) was basically me reaction, though I didn't voice it.
2.) I like how the mother calls her 'sassy' instead of her real name. Its a great way to show me their relationship.

"Oh, you think so?! Mom, we're moving to Malibu! I'll roast like a chicken over a fire! I'll go blind because of the sun! The idea of living near the beach isn't so bad, but I don't want to move! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me!"

What I put in bold I think sounded more like thoughts than talking. Maybe you could end the quotes before the bold and then put what's in bold after, and then start up again. So maybe something like this:
"...I'll go blind because of the sun!" The idea of living near the beach isn't bad, but I didn't want to move! "This is the worst thing..."
But that's an example (and not really the best one, I admit). Do you see what I mean though? Of course, I'm know that you'd do better (if you take this suggestion, which you don't of course).

"Larara, it will be fine. I promise," my mother said with a sigh as she stood up from the couch and hugged me.
Pulling away from her, I said, "How come whenever you tell me to trust you, everything goes completely wrong?"
I glared at her for a second, and then ran upstairs to my room. I only made it half way up when I stopped, turned, and looked down at my mom.
"Oh, and one more thing. My name is not Sassy. It's Larara."

The italicized: "Whenever you tell me to trust you" seemed a bit off to me because the mother never said to trust her. Maybe you could add it? It just confused me...
The bolded: This part is just a thought of mine. Like everything in this critique that is almost line by line, you don't have to go with it if you don't want to. The daughter was saying how her name wasn't sassy right after her mother called her Larara, her name. She did call her sassy earlier in the argument, but I feel that it would have been addressed earlier. It just seemed out of place. Perhaps you could change 'Larara' to 'Sassy' or something else.

"She doesn't care, Rayne," I told my half-wolf-half-husky.

I had a dog that was half wolf! Most loyal half dog I've ever had! Sorry, had to note upon that. I also like that you had your character talk to Rayne. Its something that a lot of people do, but I haven't seen so many characters do it. Then again, I may not be reading the right books where the characters do that. Either way, I like it.

"She doesn't care that I have friends here. She doesn't care that my whole life is in Manhattan," I said between sobs. "She just doesn't care!" I dug my face into a pillow and cried for another hour [s] or so[/s].

I would scratch the 'or so' part of this sentence. This suggestion is entirely a pet peeve of mine. It's hard to explain, and even harder since I'm tired, but I'll try. Words like 'or so' seem to bother me with time. Did you know how long she was going to cry? It doesn't seem like it. I'll give you an example from my writing from a while ago. "She sifted through the receipts. One was for an alkaline earth element, another for some metal...."
So that's not it exactly, but do you see what I mean? It sounds off, compared to "She sifted through the receipts. There were many for various metals and alkaline earth elements." It give the reader a sense that the character knows what metal it was, compared to 'some metal' where it really didn't seem like it. I'm not saying that Larara has to cry for an exact hour. I'm saying that different word choice would have been better. Do you see what I'm trying-but probably failing- to explain?

I hugged all my friends and kissed my boyfriend for the last time. After a very emotional good-bye, I finally boarded the plane that would take me to my new life.

This is one of those things that I really wish I could see. Do you have to write this scene? No. Would it make me feel more emotion towards her character that she had to leave her friends and boyfriend? Yes. If you showed how close she and her friends were, I'd be thinking something like "That's terrible. Man, is she going to find new friends like those? Will they stay in contact? What about her boyfriend?" Compared to: "Hhhm..I guess she's going."

"My dog, mother. My precious dog. Rayne is mine."

I love the fact that she considers Rayne her dog compared to their dog. Kudos!

"Yeah, whatever," I replied,not looking away from the window next to which I sat.

I would rephrase what's in bold. It sounds a little stiff and awkward. I know you could do better! Something like: ...I continued to look out the window next to me...sounds a little better. Though, again (and I cannot seem to say this enough), it is all up to you what you want to change.

9 hours later,

Should be: Nine hours later. Spell out numbers, it looks much better.

Description:
Me: Waiter! I'd like a little more description in this story *holds up Hellfire*
Waiter: Well, I'll have to consult the author on that part.
Me:Could you make sure that she tells me how Larara and her mother look? I'm curious. Do they look alike? Please, I must know.
Waiter: *Sighs* Alright. *mutters* fifth time this week.
~~
Sorry, that was tempting. But its true. I truly am curious. This is an issue that many writer have. They either over describe, or under describe. You are the second one. The plus side:I'm not bored to death with an over described room to the point that I know where the spiders are and every little spot on the rug. Your characters aren't so described that I forget what they look like. The negative side: I don't know what her first house looked like at all, and the second one was merely described as 'big' and 'new'. I don't even know what color hair your character has. Please? I don't want you to info dump or over describe, but you could sneak some in. Maybe her hair falls in front of her face when she starts crying. Maybe she looks in the mirror and sees her puffy blue (green, brown, hazel, purple, aqua...something) eyes and her (insert color here) hair has worked itself into a knot.

Her father: MIA? DEAD? HATED BY ALL? THE INVISIBLE GHOST? DID HE EVER EXIST?
Yeah. I want to know. Did he walk out of the family. Commit suicide? Murdered? Done such terrible things that she hates every part of her that looks like him? Or is he just simply never home?
No. Don't info dump everything on me. Clue me in though. If she hates everything about herself that's like him, maybe have her note how she hates the way her shoulders are broad and her big nose because those were some of the features he had. Or maybe its the opposite. Maybe she misses him and so the big nose and broad shoulders are her favorite things about herself. By doing things like this, dropping us lines about where her father is, then not only do I have the slightest clue to what the deal is with him, but I also can know the relationship that was/is there between father and daughter.
Overall:
It was good. You did a really good job showing us the relationship between the mother and the daughter. It was fast paced, as was already mentioned, but good.

Please PM me about any questions that you have, because as I mentioned, its late and everything I said was probably giberish.
~MidnghtV
p.s. Seriously, you don't have to take all of (or any) of the suggestions that I suggested because your the author.

Just started reading, never the best reviewer but I plan to go on so fantastic stuff!
Any chance you can pm me what it was like before first person?
And yes i know this wont count as a review so

This has definitely piqued my interest but seeing as I'm in full finals mode for school I can't get to this until school is over (Thursday). Sorry to make you wait for a review, but I can assure you one is coming.

Hi! I'm here to review! (duh) Sorry if the review will seem mean in any way.

Anyway, here we go.

And why am I just now finding out about it?

It sounds awkward.

Try: And why am I being told about it just now?

Or something like that.

The idea of living near the beach wasn't so bad, but I didn't want to move!

Exclamation point abuse, I think. It would work just as well if you used the period because you've made it quite obvious that she doesn't want to move.

her big, sad, blue eyes staring up into my misty green ones.

This is the tricky thing about first person. You're not allowed to say that the dog looked up into misty green ones, I think. Mainly because the narrator wouldn't think about it like that. Maybe she'd think "my green eyes would accentuate this outfit" or something, but she wouldn't just randomly think about her eyes being green, right?

This is where comparing self to the parents and mirrors come in.

"She doesn't care, Rayne," I told my half-wolf husky.

Again, not very natural of her to think that. Maybe she could think later on, "Rayne was a pretty big dog since she's part wolf, so it was no surprise she scared away some kids." Or something like that.

I felt something course

Coarse. Not course.

My attempt of seeing the clock without waking Rayne failed, and the large she-wolf awoke sleepily.

Now there, you can insert the tidbit about her dog being a hybrid there. Also, it should be:
My attempt at seeing the clock...

She turned her head to look at me. Rayne reached up and kissed me. I ruffled the fur on my wolf's neck and kissed her too. Rayne jumped off the bed and allowed me to get up and get ready to go back to sleep. When I was done, I crawled back into bed. Rayne leaped up next to me, and we fell asleep together.

First of all, you can refer to Rayne as she. And I wasn't really aware of what you meant by "allowed me to get up and get ready to go back to sleep." Clarify, please?

"My dog, mother. My precious dog. Rayne is mine."

I'm sorry, but this statement makes me feel like slapping Larara. She sounds like a spoilt brat. >.<"

The first was that I got all my looks from him; blonde hair, green eyes...basically my entire appearance.

Yes, here. You mentioned what she looks like here so there was no need for the misty green eyes and blond hair comment in the first part. We can wait to know what she looks like. ^^

And whenever I got mad at my mom - which happened quite often - I just kept in mind that I used to have one parent that always loved me. Always.

Okay, now I'm really annoyed by her. If this was a book, I would stop reading and put it aside. Try to make her...a little more sympathetic. Please?

I had to shield my eyes from the rays that shined down from the bright sun

I had to shield my eyes from the sun's bright rays.

It's better if you prune it. And if you plan on using your original sentence, it's shone, not shined.

My jaw dropped in a smile.

It's kind of hard for me to visualize, sorry.


OVERALL:
I read the other reviews and they seemed to like Larara. >.<" So maybe I'm the odd one out and wrong. I'm really sorry if I seemed mean while reviewing, but I couldn't help it. At first Larara was an all right person. Later on she sounded like a sassy, spoilt and selfish person. Please don't take it personally. >.<"

On the other hand, I liked that you didn't tell much. You allowed me to form my own opinions. ^^ Good job there!

~Banango Cheesecake~

Banango Cheesecake wrote:If this was a book, I would stop reading and put it aside


~Banango Cheesecake~

I predict the start of part 5 will do that one

I really like it!!! Although i think that it would be improved if you slowed down the pace a bit. Like first build up by showing a normal day of Larara, to show the reader how much she has to lose, as well as start off the story without such a sudden conflict- hint at how Larara dosen't get along with her mom before the fight starts- overall, i enjoyed it immensly!

Here's the promised review!

I trembled with rage, causing strands of my long blonde hair to fall into my face.

This is a rather awkward sentence; I don't quite like the second clause. I know you're trying to incorporate description into the text, which is admirable, but it just seems awkward and shoehorned in. I suppose a better way to describe her hair would be to have her shake her head, and the narrative note that her hair flew around her face or something.

"Oh, you think so?! Mom, we're moving to Malibu! I'll roast like a chicken over a fire! I'll go blind because of the sun!" The idea of living near the beach wasn't so bad, but I didn't want to move! "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me!"

You know, Larara comes across as rather...immature...here. I feel that if I started shrieking at my mother about "roasting like a chicken" or whining that a move is "the worst thing ever", she'd at least shout back. Larara's mother's lack of reaction seems disconcerting. It's just odd for a mother to be such a...wuss.

Also, maybe explain why Larara doesn't want to move, because all I know right now is she doesn't, not why. If I knew why, perhaps that'd endear me more to her, because right now I'm finding her rather...bratty. Not good to start your main character off on a bad impression.

Pulling away from her, I said, "How come whenever you tell me to trust you, everything goes completely wrong?"

Ouch. I'm very interested to know what else has gone on between Larara and her mother, because their relationship seems very strained. At the same time, though, I'm not liking Larara anymore. In fact, she's starting to annoy me, which I don't think is the impression you intend to convey.

I only made it half way up when I stopped, turned, and looked down at my mom.

"Halfway" should be one word. Also, I agree with the other reviewer who said that you should probably have Larara's mom call her "Sassy" instead of "Larara" here, as it'd give more oomph to Larara's later statement.

When I did make it upstairs, I shuffled over to my bed, flopped down onto it, and finally broke down, crying my heart out.

You need to describe this more; right now, you're telling, not showing. Just saying "I cried my heart out" doesn't convey Larara's misery nearly as well as describing her hiccuping and the tears streaming down her face and her throat getting all tight, etc.

After a few minutes, I felt something reach up and touch the small section of bed next to me. I looked up and saw my dog, Rayne, sitting back on her haunches with her paw on the edge of the bed, her big, sad, blue eyes staring up into my misty green ones.

Adjective overload--"big, sad, blue"? You don't need all of them. Excise some of them and sprinkle them throughout. Such as, "she stared sadly at me with her blue eyes" or something like that, only a little more eloquent of course. And "misty green"? Would anyone describe their eyes like that? Also, as another reviewer noted, it doesn't seem natural for a first-person narrator to describe her appearance like that. I suggest you take out the "misty green" enitrely.

"She doesn't care, Rayne," I told my half-wolf husky.

I like that you're trying to incorporate the description into the narrative instead of just info-dumping like so many young writers do, but again the information seems a bit misplaced. Find another place to say that Rayne is half-wolf.

"She doesn't care that I have friends here. She doesn't care that my whole life is in Manhattan," I said between sobs. "She just doesn't care!" I dug my face into a pillow and cried my heart out.

Arggh...you know, this is bad, but I heavily dislike Larara at this point. She's really coming across as a spoiled brat, which is bad because I think you intended her to be sympathetic. I don't sympathize, though. I want to grab her and slap her a few times and tell her to look at the kids living on less than a dollar a day in Africa and Asia, working in sweatshops--kids her age--suffering far worse than she ever will in her pampered American life. I know that Larara's attitude is fairly typical for your average American teen and it's probably because I'm such a grouchy cynic that I dislike her so much, but at the same time I feel that she ought to be a little more sympathetic, or at least have some bigger problems than "I don't want to move!". What's also making me uneasy is that the text itself seems to be supporting her attitude; I feel like her attitude would be fine if the narrative implied that it wasn't a good thing. At the same time, I can see a set up for a major character arc for her; a character like her can only mature, after all. Still, she is our main character so at least try to make her a little more sympathetic.

It was breathing softly. Rayne was peacefully snoozing next to me.

These sentences are rather awkwardly put together; they both follow the exact same construction ("something was gerunding") and are placed too close to each other. I'd advise you to remove the second sentence and add a dash to the end of the first one, something like, "It was breathing softly--Rayne". You don't need the "peacefully snoozing next to me" part; the reader can assume that theirself.

I slowly lifted myself onto my elbows so I could see what time it was. The glowing red numbers on my alarm clock showed that it was 3:00 a.m. My attempt of seeing the clock without waking Rayne failed, and the large she-wolf awoke sleepily. She turned her head to look at me. Rayne reached up and kissed me. I ruffled the fur on my wolf's neck and kissed her too. Rayne jumped off the bed and allowed me to get up and get ready to go back to sleep. When I was done, I crawled back into bed. Rayne leaped up next to me, and we fell asleep together.

There's something about this paragraph that just bugs me. It's a very sweet paragraph and I "aww"ed a little inside; I've always had a soft spot for kids and pets (though I'm at heart a cat person, not a dog person). But the sentences themselves feel...rather choppy and disjointed. Sorry I can't state my specific gripes more clearly, but it's just a general feeling of unease that I have. I can't pinpoint what's bothering me, though.

I hugged all my friends and kissed my boyfriend for the last time. Tears streaked down my face as I hugged all of them. They had always been so loyal, and perfect, and in general, ideal friends. I knew I could never replace any of them. After a very emotional good-bye, I finally boarded the plane that would take me to my new life.

Larara seems awfully...emotional. Seems to me that she really likes crying, doesn't she? O_o I can understand because I'm a crybaby myself, though I do most of my crying in private.

But the information in this paragraph--it's the information we've been missing. The reason why Larara feels so strongly about moving. I can sympathize with her now; I'm still not too fond of her, but at the least I can understand her reasons. This information is simply too crucial to relegate to a brief paragraph right before she moves--start off the story using this. Start the story off showing her wonderful life in Manhattan, with all her friends and boyfriend. Name them, give them personalities, at least if only to show their close relationship to Larara and just what Larara will be losing if she moves. That will give Larara's subsequent argument with her mom so much more emotional impact, and chances are will make Larara more likeable.

"My dog, mother. My precious dog. Rayne is mine."

And now I'm right back to disliking her. This is really a bratty line, and it definitely doesn't endear Larara to me one ounce. Consider removing it.

"Look, Larara, I didn't want to do this, but my promotion requires me to go to Malibu. I'm so sorry. I know this is hard for you."

"My promotion requires me to go to Malibu" just seems so...robotic. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing a person would normally say. Your dialogue's been pretty good so far; you don't have a problem with consistently unnatural sounding speech like some young writers have. So try figuring out a way to say those words in a more natural manner, like a mom would really speak to her daughter.

"Yeah, whatever," I replied, not looking away from the window I was sitting by. "You know, I really don't think you do know what kind of position I'm in at the moment."

Gah, I really don't think you mean for Larara to be despicable...but the more she talks the more angry at her I get. Yet I don't want to despise her, because I figure from the scene with Rayne and the little paragraph describing her happy life in Manhattan that she really is something of a sympathetic and interesting person. It's a very painful quandary I'm in, wanting to like the character but just not. >_>

None of this would be happening if dad was still around, and I hardly knew him.

"And" should probably be a "but".

My mom told me that he died in a car crash, but presently, I was thinking something else had happened.

I'm not quite sure what this sentence is supposed to mean. Also, "car crash"...? I suppose it's an unfortunately common way for people to die in our automobile culture...but I don't know, it feels a tad overused.

The first was that I got all my looks from him; blonde hair, green eyes...basically my entire appearance.

This is good--incorporating description in text. You don't need the awkward "misty green eyes" part because this helps show that she has green eyes and such. Very naturally done, good job. But at the same time you can probably describe more; there's more to people's appearances than just their hair and eye color, after all. How about her facial structure? Her height? Her skin tone? What kind of ears and nose do you have? Don't overwhelm in detail, but try to go more in depth than just "blonde hair and green eyes".

I was my dad as a girl.

Maybe this'd work better as "I was a female version of my dad"?

But then, just looking at my mom, I didn't have to remember him to know that. My mom, with her dark brown hair and eyes to match, didn't look a thing like me.

Again, I like how you incorporated description seamlessly into the narrative. You have no idea how much I love seeing that, because I feel like I've read too many works on this forum (especially in the fantasy section) that constantly info-dump. Again, you might want to go more indepth on the mom's general appearance, though.

The second was that he loved me unconditionally. I guess it was just one of those things that you can't bring yourself to forget. And whenever I got mad at my mom - which happened quite often - I just kept in mind that I used to have one parent that always loved me. Always.

This paragraph is somewhat confusing, and too general to boot. You say that the dad loved Larara, but don't really give general examples. Also, this somewhat contradicts how you earlier said that Larara doesn't really remember her dad. The last bit about "one parent who always loved me" also veers into "brat" territory again.

Nine hours later, we landed in Malibu, California. I had to shield my eyes from the rays that shined down from the bright sun. All throughout the car ride to our new home, I complained about how it was too hot and too bright. Rayne covered her ears with her paws. When we pulled up to our new house, however, I stopped complaining altogether.

I figure you should expand this more. Describe the sights that Larara sees on the road, how much wider and flatter everything is than it is in Manhattan, etc. Again, it's the difference between showing and telling. Right now, you're not giving us enough. Plunge us into the setting, instead of just saying that Larara doesn't like it.

I like the bit about Rayne covering her ears, though. That's cute.

I

stepped out and saw a mansion in front of me. My jaw dropped in a smile. Rayne trotted up to the double front doors and I hurried after her.

Again, you're not describing enough. There are lots of different kinds of "mansions", after all; it is wide and airy or gloomy and gothic? Give us a picture of its size, how its yard looks (overgrown, or neatly manicured?), what color the walls are, the furniture, the general layout. You can't just say "mansion"; show us the mansion.

Once inside, I marveled at the enormity of the new house.

This is an understandable error and I've even seen it in published writing, but "enormity" is not a synonym for "being really big". "Enormity" actually means "extreme wickedness, nefariousness". Basically, a very evil action. And I don't think the house is wicked, nefarious, or evil.

And it truly was new. It had just gotten finished being built, or at least, that's what my mother told me. At the moment, I had a hard time believing anything my mom told me, and I lacked overall trust in her. But I knew it was true, because it still had that new-house-smell. The freshness of the forest wood that constructed the floors infiltrated my senses and the feeling of nature consumed me.

The last bit of description (especially "the feeling of nature" part) is solid and is the kind of description that's rather lacking from the rest of the piece. Other than that, though, you really need to focus on showing instead of telling. What exactly is that "new-house-smell"? Is the plaster on the walls still fresh? Are there pieces of plywood lying around? No furniture? It's the little details that add up to a larger picture; you can't just use general words like "it looks new". A writer's job is to paint a picture in the reader's head using words, remember that.

That's it with the nit-picking! Overall, I'd have to say that I'll have to reserve judgment on this story. I don't see any fantasy elements so far, but since this is a fantasy story set in our world, I don't expect and in fact don't welcome fantasy elements from the very beginning. I've long held that fantasy stories set in our world should open up with at least a chapter or two or normalcy, just to highlight the discrepancy between the fantasy world and the "real" world. So for your kind of story, it's good that you started it off mundanely.

I think it's pretty clear by this point that my biggest problem is Larara. I don't like her. I can't sympathize with her. I really don't mean to offend; I know it hurts when others criticize your characters (especially your main character) because they're so close to your heart as a writer, but I really can't summon anything beyond a faint, passing feeling of sympathy for Larara. I suppose her behavior's natural for a teenager, but she strikes me as overreacting to everything and being far too harsh to a mother who's only trying to be nice to her. She's blowing her own problems out of proprotions; again, I point out kids her age suffering in Asian sweatshops for a penny an hour. Compared to that, any of Larara's mother problems mean nothing. I don't think she's beyond saving as a character; you've already shown her softer side with Rayne, and that she did have plenty to lose from moving (as well as hinting at past conflict with her mom). The trick now is to balance the more petulant part of Larara's personality--which is unfortunately dominate as of now--with her more sensitive side. I'd suggest you start the story off with a scene of Larara with her friends and boyfriend, before switching to the fight, and removing some of Larara's more cringe-worthy lines.

I've already pointed out your problems with description, but I'd also like to note that sometimes you get unnecessarily wordy, using say, fifteen words when two will do. For example, "I had a hard time believing anything my mom told me, and I lacked overall trust in her" could easily be "I didn't believe anything my mom told me; I just didn't trust her" (or something similar), and the "infiltrated my senses" part just feels hokey. Remove the unnecessary words (lard, as my English teacher calls it), and focus on describing real, solid things to anchor the reader into the setting. Snip and snip and snip. Good writing is concise and concrete.

As I said earlier, I'm reserving judgment on this piece--and wouldn't have reviewed if there wasn't something in it to pique my interest. I probably came across as overly harsh, but truth be told I see a lot of potential in this piece, especially if you spin the mother-and-daughter conflict into the larger overarching conflict. I love character-driven fantasy, and it annoys me how so much fantasy just focuses on things happening to the characters instead of the characters and their relationships actively moving the plot. If you can incorporate Larara's relationship with her mother into the overall story, and develop her not only discovering more about the hidden magical world I'm sure you'l introduce but also her becoming a more mature, reasonable person who ultimately repairs her relationship with her mother, you'll have a very strong story. There's a lot of potential hidden in your characters; you just have to be able to grow and mature it properly.

Don't give up hope--I can already tell there's a lot of heart in this piece and that's the most important. Writing should come from the heart. You're sincere and enthusiastic about this, and that's all you need to get started. Just work on your characterization and descriptive skills a bit. Rest assured I'll get around to reviewing the other chapters, too. And sorry for being so long-winged...I'll shut up, now. >_>

Best of luck in your endeavors!

Wow. Heh. Those are a bit hard to swallow However, I'm willing to make the neccessary changes, STARTING with Larara's personality. Which, I'm not too happy about changing, because she's SUPPOSED to be a bitch when she's mad. At least I got that point across. Yay for being able to describe emotion!

Anyway. I'm starting "construction" on an entirely new beginning, meaning I'm removing the fight part of it and making it a casual coversation. Is that okay? She's crying now, not yelling.

However, I would like to check one thing. Is it alright if I keep a little bitchiness, and make the mom a little tougher? Because there are mixed reviews on how she responds to her mom on the subject of Rayne being on the plane, so I don't wanna take out anything that somebody likes.

Let me know, please, so I can change this for you guys!

Also, when I finish that, I'll work on description. Anyone know any good tips on how to "show" not "tell"? The comments about how I need to do that are frightfully annoying.

Thanks

~Rayne

Yeah, I can see what you were intending for Larara, but even if she's supposed to be a bit of a bitch, she at least should start off somewhat sympathetic, or the reader is just going to get turned off by her character. In this respect, I think your first person narrative is both a blessing and a curse--it's a blessing because it lets us get into her head and makes the story more personal, but at the same time it kind of makes it seem like the text itself is supporting Larara's bitchy actions. (If you know what I'm trying to say...>_>) I suppose it's tricky, recognizing in first person that Larara's attitude towards her mom is wrong...

Again, I'd suggest starting the story off with a scene of Larara with her friends and boyfriend, just to drive home to the reader just how much she has to lose. (That's the difference between telling and showing, BTW--"telling" us is just saying, "I had to leave my friends behind...", "showing" us is depicting Larara's interactions with her friends, and letting their actions speak about how close they are). And remove a few of her bitchier lines; I especially felt that the bit about "At least I had one parent who loved me" crossed the line.

Don't give up hope; I think that if you improve Larara's character some, you could have a very interesting, heartfelt, character-driven fantays story.

Okay, I hope I made all the necessary changes, or, at least, I think I got them all. Please let me know if there's anything else I can fix for you. Truth be told, I'm happier with this version as well

Thanks for your help everyone!

~Rayne