Tears of the Unforgiven

Tears of the Unforgiven

An immortal goddess, the angel of death.
My heart has been cursed with every breath.
Tempting the reason is my only risk.
Only to receive loves poisonous kiss.

Brought to the dead unveiling my destiny.
My pain is my pleasure in this bitter reality.

Consumed by the darkness and losing the fight.
I see myself spiral away from the light.

Condemed to the realm of the hopeless undead.
The crown of immortals is placed on my head.
These dreams are the visions of truths to be told.
As I weave my spell my visions are cold.

I search for the reason to hope to exist.
Only to fall too short from the list.
The soul I once had will never deny.
The lies and the eyes that no longer cry.

Only the tears of the blood that I see.
There will never be justice or salvation for me.
Into the shadows of the unknown.
Defined by the spell I walk alone.


Please comment.

- Djinni -

I like it much more than your other one....some of this feels a little repetitive...I think you should cut between three and five lines, you choose which, and it would be better...and maybe some imagery, again, but other than that, good.

Yeah this is soo good! You have such a cool avvie. Did you make it yourself?

Heh, this was amazing, although I don't really like poems that rhyme, it limits everything. was your other poem unrhmyed? I'll check that out, nice work here though.

Once again, I agree with PsyLynx. This is much better than your other one. The rhyming worked a lot better.

Also, see if you can break it up into stanzas. It's a lot easier to read and see how thoughts should be grouped together.

Nice job!

I know this is an old poem but I liked it and wanted to comment.

Your rhyming made the poem flow better.

The second and third stanza should be together as all the other stanzas are in lines of fours.