The Quest

The girl cowerd in her friend's arms.

"I SAID WOULD YOU LIKE TO REPEAT YOURSELF?!" I growled loudly.

To her undeserved luck, Iruka, our teacher, walked in at just that moment. He managed to greet everyone with a cheerful 'hello' before his eyes fell on the pathetic piece of scum behind me.

"Osoroshii!" he shouted, straining his voice a bit. "Get back to you're seat right now! Why, if it was only up to me, you would NOT be graduating today!"

My eyes lit up with an enormous amount of joy. "You mean I pass?!"

"Yes, the whole class passed." he said. "Now please go back to your seat.

As quickly as my eyes had filled with joy, they changed back to a merciless glare. I looked at the blue-headed girl one more time before actually returning to my seat.

Plopping down in my seat, a thought sprung up. "Naruto passed?" I whispered to Kiba while gazing at Naruto. He was sitting right below us at the end of the desk and next to Sakura. Ew. Sakura Haruno. She and Ino were the girls I despised the most. So cheerful and Sasuke crazed, too bad I couldn't banish them from Konoha. But, if I did, they might go to the Cloud Village, and there was no way I would allow that.

"Awkward, huh? But I heard her was able to pass because he protected the scrolls that were stolen," Kiba replied.

"Him?! Yeah right. Where'd you hear that one Kiba?" I snickered.

He began to laugh along with me, finally realizing how stupid he had sounded. Naruto couldn't even make a clone of himself, let alone protect the sacred scrolls of Konoha!

"OROSHII! KIBA! If you are done I am ready to introduce these two young ladies."

My eyes crept over the desk and stared at a couple of girls standing next to Iruka.

"This is Tahrutana from the Waterfall Village," Iruka said, putting his hand on the first girl's bony shoulder. Her short blonde hair framed her face perfectly, but her timid expression ruined my first impression. She had a pair of scronny legs coming out from a pair of light blue shorts. Her navy jacket had a big R and D on it in old style lettering. Lying under her jacket was a light blue and white striped shirt and dirty white bandages were wound up tightly around her neck.

"She's weird," I whispered to Kiba just as Iruka continued on to the next girl. A smile crept over my face as he introduced her.

"The is Kitsune."

He seemed afraid to touch her. His body was rather tense and he didn't put a hand on her shoulder. I already like this Kitsune girl. He face read 'touch me i'll kill you' all over it. When Iruka backed away her eyes strayed to one of the classroom walls, giving a look of utter annoyance. She had a dark and thick line of black eylenier under her eyes. Her hair was a black deeper than mine and her eyes matched perfectly. The sleeves of her black, form-fitting shirt wound around her arms like they were built-in bandages. She also had shorts like Tahrutana, but they were black with fishnets reaching her ankles.

This is pretty much my first review of a story, so hopefully it isn't that bad. >P

VampireBloodrace wrote:I had long black hair and deep blue eyes and I went from store to store looking for an aspiring position as any type of employee, but to no avail. Demeter, who had long blonde hair and blue eyes, was a DJ and singer. She'd perform wherever she was asked for, for a specified amount of money of course. Osoroshii, who had medium grayish colored hair and brown eyes, never even tried looking for a job. Instead, she'd just sit and play her guitar on the street for ongoing pedestrians with hopes for a few generous offers.

This reads like an info dump. Instead of listing what eye and hair color all the girls have right here, maybe you could ease the info in somewhere else.

VampireBloodrace wrote:“I bet you are”, I barely managed to get out. “It’s almost sunrise and I don’t even have the energy to speak.”

You don't need to have both the 'I barely managed to get out' and 'I don't have the energy to speak' lines. Just make it 'I said', since the MC is already telling us she's tired.

VampireBloodrace wrote:“Oh no”, Demeter whispered. “Aren’t they the guys from school? The ones that always get themselves drunk?”

“Yes, it’s them”, Oroshii agreed. “And, if I’m correct, didn’t they try to rape a girl one night?”

I hesitated. “Oroshii, please don’t get any of those thoughts into my mind. If we’re lucky, maybe they won’t see us in the dark!”

“And why would they have honked if there wasn’t anyone on the street?!”

“Because they’re drunk!” I shouted, just as the pickup passed us.

I would work on this part, it could sound more realistic.

VampireBloodrace wrote:They started to get out of the car, laughing and [s]hiccuping[/s] hiccupping the entire time.

Your only spelling mistake. ;D

VampireBloodrace wrote:Unfortunately, the problem was that Dem, Oroshii, and I were extremely tired and completely out of energy.

You've mentioned that the girls where really tired quite a lot already. Consider deleting this.

VampireBloodrace wrote:Suddenly, a harsh, icy voice none of us had ever heard before pierced the air.

Try changing that to something like, 'Suddenly an unfamiliar, icy voice pierced the air.'



The rest tends to get a bit hectic... I got a little mixed up with who all the boys where.

The first half is over emphasized on the girls being tired the football dudes being drunk. Try to take out some of that stuff.
I also noticed that you tend to replace said a lot. Sometimes it's better to use said and let the characters words show what they are feeling.

Very interesting so far. And I really like your character names. Keep writing!

I have been trying to review this all week, but school has pushed me away from doing anything fun.

Very gripping, intriguing, and interesting start.

As artistpersona has already mentioned, you probably should list character's physical appearances, especially three characters in one paragraph. Sometimes, it's better to wait for a reason to slip in information. For example, "Demeter's long blonde hair hung over her back, seeming to be equally exhausted." I don't know, but you get my point.

I sighed partially exhausted as I locked up the store for the night.

This was a good start, but there needs to be a comma between partially and exhausted. Also you use the words "partially exhausted" here, but later, say that your characters are "extremely tired and completely out of energy." Don't contradict yourself.

Of course, the we still attended school in the meantime.

It should either be "...then we still attended..." or " Of course, we still attended school..." That's your choice.

“Great, now you’ve done it”, Oroshii blamed me.

comma should be inside quotations.

His eyes were black, a beautiful black so deep someone could get lost in them.

I think you need a hyphen instead of a comma.

“Serves you right!” Demeter shouted at the guy.

You don't really need "at the guy" here, because we already know who she's shouting at.

Other than that, I didn't find any typos or anything.

I'm interested in seeing what these creatures are. Let me know when you post more!
Hope this helped.

-Sea-

“Oh no”, Demeter whispered. “Aren’t they the guys from school? The ones that always get themselves drunk?”

I don't know how it's from where yu comefrom, but here we have to pay schoolfees to go to school, and if the characters don't have any money, how could they go to school?

Suddenly, a harsh, icy voice none of us had ever heard before pierced the air.

“What would you guys be doing out so late?” the voice said.

You should put the description of the vioce after the words spoken.

Just as we were about to turn around, I was grabbed by two strong arms, holding me by my neck and waist.

“Let go!” I screamed while flailing my body around.

Firstly, I think that it is quite impossible to 'fail' your body around. You would use fail more in times where for example, if your character is falling. Find another word to replace fail. Secondly,it would be hard for you to turn while you are being held by two strong arms, but being tired as you are, I think it would be rather impossible aswell.

Oroshii moved into her...

Unless I missed a sentace or two, you never mention that Oroshii is a girl. I sudjest mentioning it.

Right through the story, you never tell the reader what your name is. You make the reader thirsty for more. I'm just critting. Now, I'm off to chapter 2!!

“Oh no”, Demeter whispered. “Aren’t they the guys from school? The ones that always get themselves drunk?”

I don't know how it's from where you come from, but here we have to pay school fees to go to school, and if the characters don't have any money, how could they go to school?

Suddenly, a harsh, icy voice none of us had ever heard before pierced the air.

“What would you guys be doing out so late?” the voice said.

You should put the description of the voice after the words spoken.

Just as we were about to turn around, I was grabbed by two strong arms, holding me by my neck and waist.

“Let go!” I screamed while flailing my body around.

Firstly, I think that it is quite impossible to 'fail' your body around. You would use fail more in times where for example, if your character is falling. Find another word to replace fail. Secondly,it would be hard for you to turn while you are being held by two strong arms, but being tired as you are, I think it would be rather impossible as well.

Oroshii moved into her...

Unless I missed a sentence or two, you never mention that Oroshii is a girl. I suggest mentioning it.

Right through the story, you never tell the reader what your name is. You make the reader thirsty for more. I'm just critting. Now, I'm off to chapter 2!!

Ok, so i edited what I needed to edit! I hope it's better now! Please keep critiquing me!

I have a note for artistpersona.

VampireBloodrace wrote:
“Oh no”, Demeter whispered. “Aren’t they the guys from school? The ones that always get themselves drunk?”

“Yes, it’s them”, Oroshii agreed. “And, if I’m correct, didn’t they try to rape a girl one night?”

I hesitated. “Oroshii, please don’t get any of those thoughts into my mind. If we’re lucky, maybe they won’t see us in the dark!”

“And why would they have honked if there wasn’t anyone on the street?!”

“Because they’re drunk!” I shouted, just as the pickup passed us.

I would work on this part, it could sound more realistic.

This is what you had told me. I was wondering how I could make this more realistic. Thanks!

Other replies welcome because I really don't know how I would make this sound more realistic!