Young Writers Society

You can't control me
I'm free now,
understand?
I'm free now
So back away

Possessive is a great word
That's just how I describe you
Oh, don't you like that?
That's right, you don't like being wrong

Please, just back away
Disappear
Those tender words were all a lie
You know it
You forced me to believe you

I'm young
Why can't I have fun?
I knew from the moment I met you
You were different
I love you, yes, so so much
But I knew from the start you were insane

Ring all you want
I wont answer your calls
I wont let you control me anymore
Boyfriends aren't meant to be stalkers
I had no idea that was an added bonus

Find someone else
I have
Yes, I have
And you wont ever find him
He is safe from you
and your possessive, controlling ways
I know what you will do if you ever find him

You see, he's different
He treats me right
He is so kind, thoughtful and sweet
Well, so are you
When you've taken your medication

I'm leaving you
I'm packing my bag and I'm gone
Your baby will never know your name
He will never know what you did to me
All those nights when I thought I would die
I don't want to give your son nightmares

Goodbye,
my insane,
my wonderful,
my controlling, beautiful boyfriend

I'm gone






It needs a lot of work so please please please don't be too harsh!
I seriously need help with the structure of a poem, where to put commas and fullstops - can anyone help me?

Once again, I'm not a poet, but I'll do the best I can.

I liked the concept of the poem, and I liked the fact that it was free verse. Being about and insane person, I'm not sure a structured pattern really would've added to this.

Possessive is a great word
That's just how I describe you

I think you need full stops after both of these lines. I don't know. They're both complete sentences, but...

Those tender words were all a lie
You know it

I would put a semicolon after lie, maybe. I would replace "it" with "that."

Why can't I have fun?

I really like this line. Just in this short sentence, it tells the reader a lot about the relationship between this insane guy and his girlfriend.

I had no idea that was an added bonus

What was an added bonus?

Find someone else
I have
Yes, I have

Full stop after "someone else" I think.

He is safe from you

I wouldn't tell my insane ex-boyfriend about my new boyfriend.

Well, so are you
When you've taken your medication

This line was really sad. That's the way it works. They can be great people, but if they don't take their medication, they go crazy.

Your baby will never know your name
He will never know what you did to me

I want to know what happened that was so terrible, but I'm not sure that explaining it would be the best thing to do. It might take away from the poem.

Other than that, I thought it was a really good poem. Hopefully, someone elso will know more about full stops.

Let me know when you post more poems!

-Sea-

Hello there. I think I should be the so called punctuationist. Firstly, about this poem. Again I say, you are a briliant poet. It's how you use the words and feelings and put them in our heart. The emotions you put into a single word is uncountable. It's something that cannot be done by most of the poets but I think you are really good at it. Okay, this insanetic person, he wasn't Firestalker was he? Because, firestalker also claims that he is completely insane.

You can't control me
I'm free now,
understand?
I'm free now
So back away

I don't think this stanza should be at the start of the poem. It should be in either middle or at the end. At first, no one would understand what you are saying if you put this verse at the beggining. Put a period (Full stop) at the end of both first and the last lines.

Possessive is a great word (Period here)
That's just how I describe you (And here)
Oh, don't you like that?
That's right, you don't like being wrong (And also here)

Please, just back away (A comma here)
Disappear (A period here)
Those tender words were all a lie (I like this line. period here)
You know it (Period here again)
You forced me to believe you (And here)

I'm young (Period)
Why can't I have fun?
I knew from the moment I met you (A dash here, I think)
You were different
I love you, yes, so so much (I think it should be 'I loved you')
But I knew from the start you were insane ('That you were insane')

Ring all you want (A comma here)
I wont answer your calls (Should be 'won't')
I wont let you control me anymore (A period here)
Boyfriends aren't meant to be stalkers (Aha! So, it must be 'firestalker' )
I had no idea that was an added bonus (Being a stalker? Added bonus? Ha! you must be kidding)

Find someone else (A period here)
I have (A comma here)
Yes, I have (And here)
And you wont ever find him ( period here)
He is safe from you (A dash here)
and your possessive, controlling ways (A period here)
I know what you will do if you ever find him (A period here)

You see, he's different (A comma here)
He treats me right (Again here)
He is so kind, thoughtful and sweet (A period here)
Well, so are you (Should be 'so were you')
When you've taken your medication (period here)

I'm leaving you
I'm packing my bag and I'm gone
Your baby will never know your name
He will never know what you did to me
All those nights when I thought I would die
I don't want to give your son nightmares

Goodbye,
my insane,
my wonderful,
my controlling, beautiful boyfriend (A period here)

I'm gone

You know what I like about this poem? You had made it seen like if it's a conversation. And that's good. Great poem. Well done.

And good luck.

Hii grace...

Okay, so I can't help you out with the punctuations, because I stink at it myself!

Possessive is a great word
That's just how I describe you

"great" doesn't seem to fit in here. Maybe try something like...perhaps, strong?

Like this:

Possessive is a Strong word
That's just how I describe you

Oh, don't you like that?
That's right, you don't like being wrong

when you say "don't you like that?", it souns like you're trying to say he does like it.
Rearrange it:

Oh, you don't like that?
That's right, you don't like being wrong

These are just my views, though.

You see, he's different
He treats me right
He is so kind, thoughtful and sweet
Well, so are you
When you've taken your medication

Awesome paragraph!! Loved the last line...

Overall, I enjoyed reading it. Sorry If I haven't been of much help...
Keep writing.
xxx

wow thanks for your reviews! wow i got it so wrong didnt i? all those full stops and commas... ive got loads to learn!

I don't know how to reply to that, but i'll try. It was very clear that you were angry with your boyfriend and that you were leaving him, but the baby reference threw me off guard. I mean that was a total shock, i didn't see it coming. It made me think about how many girls leave to protect their baby from their boyfriend, and sometimes not just because of the hurt they, themselves, are experiencing. You are still doing awesome! As always, keep writing!