Young Writers Society

I understood that from several points, but regardless, tense has to be consistent.

Telling a story in past and present tense gets confusing to the reader.
Can she not instead say, "It was odd; I found it easy to remember the planes and angles of his face, and the deep timbre of his voice, but I couldn't quite recall the vivid memory of our first moments." ?

It's not that different from what you said, but the tense is consistent. Which is nice for the reader and for clarity.

Another great chapter, adding more mystery even as you explain some things. I love how their first meeting was so simple, so disarming. And I love how your character continues to keep what changed in the dark.

It hadn’t been long ago when I would have found the mental picture fun and exciting, but now… “No. I’m not.”

I love this part, because her first part within the classroom seemed so normal, just another regular day at class. Then this breaks in and reminds the readers that this guy will change her. Has already started to change her. It all shows really great contrast between who she was before and after.

Irritated and relieved at the distraction, I turned my head to look at Heath, my ex-boyfriend. “Hi.”

Heath kind of disappears after this and we have no idea where he is in the classroom. Is he standing in front of her? Is he sitting next to her, behind her? I just think that small detail needs to be mentioned, because I kind of got the first impression that he was standing in front of her and then he just disappears. Of course, the entire classroom seems to disappear when Mr. Sheldon starts talking.

Then he took up attendance. What I remember with the most clarity is the moment he said my name, the moment when he first looked at me.

I like how it went from intense first meeting, when he said her name, to backing up a few moments in time to when he was calling out other people's names. A nice step back to fully appreciate the moment and how simple that moment was.

I really like your descriptions here, how you feed us what Mr. Sheldon looks like a bit at a time and how her obsession keeps growing. Yet, he doesn't see her just yet. And it really makes you want to figure out what changed right after reading how he looked away, yet your character keeps us in the dark.

Simply amazing. It explains who this 'he' that is coming for her in the first chapter is, but yet it doesn't explain why he got so obsessed with her. It shows how changed she ended up to be, yet we still don't know how she got to be at that point. And we all can't wait to see how it happens.

I'm off to go read the next chapter!

Tatra:

Thanks a lot for the past two reviews. They were excellent, and you made some good points

Hope you enjoy the rest.

Very good. I was basically on the edge of my seat. Kepp it comign. Liek I said before, this has some serious potenial to it.

Hey KJ, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

“Have you looked at that piece of meat?”

Would someone really say that unless they were taking the mick?

Hair dark as the night sky, pale skin that was clear and beautiful, and eyes so penetrating and sharp that they shook me to my core.

Night sky is purple. Or orange. In New York it's probably almost definitely orange.

“But at least he won’t be looking at you at the football games, then.” She grinned, and I rolled my eyes.

Some italics wouldn't go amiss to show where she's putting the emphasis.

He glanced at me.
And looked away.

You mean he hasn't, at this point as a new teacher, been glancing at each student when they reply to put a face to the name? Think about it.

For you, that remains to be seen.

The "for you" isn't working for me.

II. OMG HOT HOT HOT HOT.... YAWN

Okay, I should probably let you know... remember how I said how I hated obsessive heroine? Guess who her best friend is? Amazingly good-looking guy, that's who! Yes, he may be good looking, but you don't need to mention it more than once. Since you've done so in dialogue, don't do so in description. Be careful talking about how amazingly good-looking he is, else you'll have an Edward Cullen case on your hands.

III. OVERALL

I like the flashback style, certainly. And your story looks to be pretty interesting. Just be careful of making him too great, is all (that counts great in her eyes and a perve in everyone else's. Still counts).

Hope I helped!

-Stella.