Destinies Entwined ch.1. The story of Neil

Well, I really like the idea and creativity for this. Besides the grammar and spelling mistakes everyone pointed out, I think it's brilliant. The one place I stumbled on was where you said, "Then Neil remembered his special lunch that he made because he wanted to give some to a girl her liked in a hope to impress her." I think you meant a girl HE liked. I'm looking forward to reading the rest so go ahead and post it!

Hey there! I know I’m awfully late with this, I’m sorry.

Anyway, I think once again, this story is showing a lot of potential. I really like Neil’s character, and the plot looks like it’ll shape up to be interesting.

However, once again, you really need to watch your grammar and tenses. I know it’s tough at first, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes almost second nature, trust me. ^_^ Anyway, previous, more punctual people have pointed out what you might want to change, so I won't repeat them here.

Also, you might want to keep in mind how important it is to show and not to tell—for example, you tell is the police are oppressive, but that doesn’t do much for the reader. Later, when you showed us, through their overreaction to Neil’s spitting on the poster, it made much more of an impact. Likewise, we were told about Neil’s suffering and bad treatment at the hands of the police officers, but we don’t really get to see how it affects him. How does he feel because of this?

While you’re checking up on this showing versus telling thing, it might also help to be sure of not giving too much away—now we know all about Neil’s destiny to be a great hero, but it might be better if we didn’t find out until it happened. It’s like reading spoilers online before you read a book or see a movie—when the big reveal happens, it’s not quite as fun because you already know what’s going to happen.

Otherwise, I think your plot is developing pretty well—I’ll gladly read more, if you post it.