New Year's Eve

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I stood outside Adam’s apartment building and waited, my body shivering in the cold. In my hands, I held what I hoped would convince him to let me sleep over: champagne, champagne flutes, and Godiva chocolates.

I took a deep breath and let it out, watching the air puff up, and soon fade away. I stepped inside, and saw a tall man with huge muscles standing outside the door next to his. I quickly walked over to his door, hoping he would open up. Please let me in. I thought.

The second I knocked, he opened the door. “Hey. Didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, his arm making an archway between the doorway and the door. “Come on in.”

To get in, I had to squeeze my short self under his arm which caused me to be extremely close to him. My cheeks blazed with fire despite the bone-chilling weather.

I was deeply in love with this boy. That was all there was to it, on my part anyway. He, however, didn’t seem interested. I believed that the guy should make the first move, and we had known each other for years, and no move had been made.

I was laying the bags on the table, just as he shut the door and walked over to me. Before I could even get the bags untangled from my fingers, he was pulling the champagne out of the bag.

“Whoa, thanks Ella,” he said while looking up from the bottle, giving me a smile.

“No problem,” I replied. “Actually, I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Ask it,” he said without looking up from the flute he was filling. When he got done pouring the champagne, he took a sip, and walked over to me. He looked up at me, fully attentive, and I wondered why I ever doubted he would let me stay over. Why I ever doubted he would let me in, even.

“Would you mind if I slept over tonight?” I asked. “I was going to go with Shane to his New Year’s Eve party, but we broke up. Leah is back at my dorm with her boyfriend, or I would go there. I really don’t know of anywhere else to go, or I wouldn’t trouble you—“ He laid his index finger to my lips and brought his face ending my rant-like apology and also sending a chill down my spine.

“Trouble me?” he questioned. “Ella, you are not a trouble, but the complete opposite,” he reassured me. Then, he smiled one of his classic “you-are-so-ridiculous” kind of smile that always made my heart flutter and my cheeks catch fire. It was then that I knew; I knew, that he knew. He knew I liked-- no loved-- him. He knew that all I fainted on the inside every time he shot me one of those adorable looks. And all he was doing about it was making me faint all the more so by casting the glances more often, just taunting me.

He poured me a glass of champagne and led me into his living room where Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve was on. He sat the flutes down on the coffee table beside the couch. He had a blanket that he clearly planned to lie down under and some pillows strewn out across the couch.

“You can go up to my room and get some pajamas,” he suggested.

“Oh, okay, “ I replied. I trudged up the stairs, feeling extremely nervous. I had never been in his room before. I anticipated a clean and orderly place that would put me to shame. I pictured his many accomplishments on the wall, just mocking my inferiority to him. But what I found was completely different.

He had a bulletin board full of pictures of him and his friends. There was dirty laundry on the floor, and his bed wasn’t made. A quick peek in his closet revealed that he didn’t organize his clothes either. He was normal, just like me. One day, I was going to have to quit thinking so much of him and so little of myself.

After searching through his dressers, I found a loose T-shirt and some flannel bottoms. I put them on, and studied myself in the mirror. I looked, in a word: ridiculous.

As I was leaving his bedroom, I noticed a picture of us on his bulletin board. He was standing really close to the camera, laughing, probably at something he just did. In the background, you could see me. Small, unnoticed, easy-to-please, blue-eyed, black-haired me. I was smiling, though not at the camera, but at him. I realized that this was the epitome of our friendship. Adam was out there, enjoying being the center of attention while I was in the background. The silent supporter. The silent lover.

“How do I look?” I asked upon reentering the living room.

“Beautiful,” he said. He had fixed me up a little spot on the couch in between him and the arm rest.

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for this. All of it,” I said as I walked over to my designated spot. It wasn’t as close as I would’ve liked, but it would do.

“No problem,” he said.

For what seemed like hours, we talked about everything, from finals to holidays to family. I kept getting wrapped up in the conversation that I would've forgotten that I was actually there if it weren't for the occasional loud commercials and the crashes heard from next door. Suddenly, we came upon the inevitable topic of Shane.

“So, why did you two break up?” he nonchalantly asked.

“Because he wanted to see somebody else,” I tried to reply in a tone that mimicked his. Talking about relationships with him made me really uncomfortable.

“What about you? Did you want to see somebody else?” he asked as he turned to look at me.

Yeah, I did. Actually I want to see you. I want to date you and hug you and kiss you and have you. “No,” I lied.

To get the spotlight off of me, I decided to ask him about who he wanted to date. “How about you? You got any girls that you like?”

Just like in middle school, he replied, “Yeah, but I can’t tell you.”

“Oh, just tell me. Maybe I could hook you two up.” Aha. Saying this should totally show him that I’m not really interested, so that he can quit teasing me with his smiles.

“Nah,” he blushed. The most perfect guy in the world is embarrassed! AH! “I don’t know if she feels the same way.”

“Well you know us girls. We tell each other everything. Maybe I’ve heard something,” I prodded.

“Nope.”

“How about you describe her to me, and I’ll guess,” I suggested.

“Ok,” he turned to face me. I pulled my legs up on the couch and sat Indian style facing him also. “She lives in your dorm.”

I thought of all the girls in my small dorm of Reilly House. “Ok.”

He leaned closer to me. It was me he liked. No, it couldn’t be. I hoped it was though.

He leaned even closer. Now, I could smell his cologne. I could smell his breath. I wondered quickly what he smelled of me.

He took my head in his hands and grabbed my hair. “She has the darkest hair I’ve ever seen.”

As he came closer still, he tucked the leg closest to me up under his body. He stared into my eyes with an intense expression. “She has the most beautiful ice blue eyes.”

That was when my heart stopped beating. I could feel it, inside my ribcage, still there, but lifeless. It stopped beating. My lungs stopped contracting, too. I couldn’t breathe. Yet, here I was, with the most amazing guy in the world about to kiss me, and I was still alive. Amazing.

And finally, the moment I had been waiting for, he kissed me. I was suddenly in a daze. So what if my heart stopped beating? So what if I wasn’t breathing? I didn’t notice. I was just enjoying the moment.

He pulled away, and I was about to try and formulate a response that would make him kiss me some more, when I heard a loud knock on the door.
Last edited by x0xGilmore Girliex0x on Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"... and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, " (Hebrews 12:1)

"This race: if you are in it, do your best to win it."
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OMG that was amazing! It was so intense, i was breathless! i really thout "Yes, there gonna get together!" but then that gunshot and boom, woa it was so good. I loved how it flowed, it was just perfcet and the bit at the end just mad it even better, it was so unexpected lol i realy liked it, i was rooting for her to make a move that she was obviosly dying to and i was so ahppy that they kissed, and then the ening was just perfect, so unexpected. one thing though, i think there could have been a small warning about what was coming next, like a tiny clue, like she saw someone outside that looked a bit dodgie or she saw a van, or something like that, then it could have flowed better, as it went from a love scene to a thriller in seconds, and i think if you put the little clue near the beggining or middle then the reader would be like waiting for something strange to happen, then still be shocked when it finnaly comes but as you wrote it so good it would stil be shocking. great work, sorry if im rambling :D
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
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Let me critique first :)

I took a deep breath and let it out, watching the air puff up, up, and away. As soon as I stepped inside, I power-walked over to his door, hoping he would open up.


I would use something else besides "up, up, and away." I got that Disney movie flashing in my head when I read it. Also, don't use "power-walked." Use "walked swiftly/forcefully/etc." "Power-walk" makes me think of middle-aged women in jumpsuits.

*Shudder* Haha.

It was then that I knew, I knew, that he knew. He knew I liked, no loved, him.


Put a semicolon or a period after the first "I knew" because it's a run-on and take off the second comma - it's a comma splice. "It was then that I knew; I knew that he knew." And for the second sentence, put dashes instead of commas. "He knew I liked - no, loved - him." The dashes show the essential pause and makes it look better than having a lot of commas.

I thought that this story was wonderful. You really got into the character's head and showed us at least one aspect of her personality. It was nice, romantic, and then it all went to crap with that ending (no offense :)). All of a sudden, a masked gunman just kicks down the door? If you're going to have a kidnap-esque scene, at least foreshadow it a little. Like, when she is going to his door, let her see someone on the side of the street and make her think something about him. That way when he does appear, the reader will know where he came from.

Hope my comments didn't sound too harsh. Looking forward to the next part :D




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Wow, this was really good. Ah, I'm jealous, seriously though. I thought your imagery was great for the most part. And I agree with joseph about the power walk thing. Jumpsuits, not a pretty sight.
I thought how you made the transition from romance to fear was great.
Are you planning on continuing this or is it just a short story? Because I'd be interested in reading more.
Great job.
-jade.
--->Don't forget we've got unfinished business. Stories yet to unfold, tales that must be retold.
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Was this the story you were talking about? Anyway, here I am!

Okay... I will say that the first part of this was absolutely wonderful. Amazing, practically perfect in every way. Really cute and romantic and sweet - not to mention well-written, with brilliant imagery, etc.

However. heh heh... there's always a however. The however in this case is the ending - absolutely ruined it for me. As a whole, the sudden plot twist didn't work, in my opinion, so I'd just take it out altogether. Again, even if you didn't take it out, it's a little confusing as far as the actual writing style goes. If you must use this action plot twist (which I believe you could make work if anyone could) you should rewrite this ending.

Pronoun mixups. "he" is used waaaay too much and by the end we're not sure who they're following, who knocks over the chocolate, who pulls her up, who says "come with me," etc etc etc. I'd replace "he" with names or "the man with the gun" or whatever. That'd make it better.

He pulled away, and I was about to try and formulate a response that would make him kiss me some more, when I heard a sound that really did make my heart stop: a gunshot.


Quickly, he got up, and pulled me up with him, knocking over the bowl of chocolates. We went to the front door—I think he was going to lock it—but we got there too late. It was already forced open and there was the same man I saw in the hallway. Except now he had a gun and was standing in the doorway.


“Come with me,” he said. We had no choice. We followed.


Sooo - otherwise, that's all I had. Really, the whole masked man with gun thing really didn't work for me, but I've said that before. *double thumbs up and stars*

Cheers!
MademoiselleKool 8)
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