Because - Chap. 1 (Edited)

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'ello Kelsey! I see that you have another new story that I'm super excited to read about!

I know you won't disappoint Hehe

And you definitely didn't!

Omgosh, that gave me the chills, Kels! No lie! I want to know what this guy did to her that made her such a freak? Did they find out from the news or what??

Anyway, I'm sorry I don't have a lot to critique on because you made no mistakes (as usual)

Just keep on posting these stories kels and I'll keep reading them!

Keep Writing!

((I think I know where you got this idea for this story. Prom Night, right?? lol))

Yes, that I did. I LOVED Prom Night. I wanted to write a different version, but along the same lines.

Anyway, can't wait to see you tonight! Maybe we could rent Prom Night (tee-hee)

Maybe we can

Hopefully I can come over!

I'll ask right when I get home!

Hope to see you soon!

This story is really good. It left me hanging on the edge of my seat. Definitely suspenseful and definitely well-written. You leave the reader in mystery and wonder and wanting to read more, which is always the best thing a writer can do.

I'll be reading more when I get the chance. Just thought I'd let you know that I thought this was really really good.


-StarDuster

Hey KJ!!!

Gosh you're like a freakin' time-bomb. Never know when you're going to write a new story. I loved this! It was refreshing because after all this time sticking my head in my book, I needed a much deserved break. Your MC's voice is very vivid and understandable. Oh and like always you've got me thirsting for the next part. Please keep me posted! I am curious about the He, though. This guy must've did something really bad to make that much of an impression on her. Oh my gosh I just loved this so much and the title is what really caught my attention. There were no mistakes as usual. Can't wait to read more!
-Angel

KJ,

So you whipped up another story, yes? Started reading as soon as I saw it, lol - that’s the effect your writing has on me. *grumbles. You’re evil like that, you know that?


Quote:
hands went around mouths as the girls whispered to each other about it.
Cut “the” (“boys” don’t have it, and it just looks better like that).


Quote:
I knew they wouldn’t move back until I was in college, and had utterly proved my stable condition.
No comma.


***

Er, yes, so as you see from the measly line-by-line above, you did a wonderful job. The piece was well written and flowed really good - no, really, really. Kind of a cliché way to say “Because” was fantastic, but a good and precise one, no?

Your MC is terrifyingly realistic, and her narration was - wait, wait, I’m trying to find this big, purply word for “nice” - hmm - I can’t remember it. Hmm. Nah, can’t remember. But you know what I want to say, yes?

Apart from that - just keep writing.


Cheers,
Esme

Wow, thanks you guys

I'm glad I've finally written something that everyone seems to like. I'll take the - well, very few, which is a good thing I guess - into consideration.

I don't know when Chap. 2 will be up. I mean, I've already written this up to Chap. 5, but I'm afraid to disappoint...

Anyway, thanks and keep reading

Hey!

Really liked this chapter. It really hooked me...got me captivated some might say...

There's nothing particularly to critique because it seems grammatically sound and stuff...nothing particularly I can sugest corrections for!

I will read the next parts though!

I loved how you didn't reveal what he had done! Can't wait to read more!

This story is addicting. I had barely read the first couple of paragraphs and I was already hooked. You are most definitely a gifted writer. As far as mistakes go, I saw none that haven't already been pointed out. This piece was practically flawless.

-Venom

-EDITED- There wasn't much to do, but...

*Shrugs*

Bravo!

I am hooked! It is fascinating and very well written. I love your style and manner. The main character so far is very believable and I think some people tend to try to cram too much into the first chapter. You mad it short, but not too short and there was a lot of information, but not enough so that my brain was hurting.

I'll have to go read more! *runs off*

*reads on*

KJ-
Intriguing. Eye Catching. And just wonderful.

This first chapter has grabbed me in and makes me want to read the next part. The emotions flow throughout the story, descriptions are well put, and the thoughts of the MC are...well, there's no word for it.

I found no problems within this chapter. And one question formed in my mind about this story, "What happened to her?" I guess I'll have to read on.

There's not a word that can describe this. -- That's a good thing.

Well, I really want to know more, so I'm off to read two.

Great job!

-Merry

I promised I would try to get to this:
_______________________________

When I was new to the school, kids had made an effort

A few things here: you seem to have a tendency towards unnecessary commas in your writing, which is fine as long as you can read back and notice those things. To know when a comma is needed or not, close the door to wherever you write and read it out loud to yourself; this way you can find all of those awkward syntax, diction, and punctuation errors.

Second: Watch the use of the word: had. Especially in past tense. It has a tendency to pop up from time to time and add clutter to otherwise clean and simple writing. The best solution would be to try and avoid saying it at all.

erase all my memories and replaced

Erase= present tense
Replaced= past tense.

You get the picture.

more flowery ones.

In any case, putting the word 'more' before any adjective ending in Y just sounds odd. More beautifully, more sensuously, more curiously, etc. In 99% of these cases, it would be best to eliminate that word.

whispered to each other about it

It may be hard to believe, but sometimes saying less means more. Cool, huh? So here, I personally think that this line could be much stronger without the "about it". We already know what they're whispering about, and that last part is almost too much for what you're saying.

my classmates forgot about my recent

My, my. Repetition is sneaky.

Now, this isn't bad, it's not overwhelming or anything, but despite that, it could be better. Mix up your word usage a bit and say something like: "my classmates moved on..." or "my classmates forgot about the recent scandal..."

maybe they would have come up to me and asked about it, if I hadn’t put on such a resentful face.

Read this to yourself and decide if it would sound better with or without the comma. You might need to mix up the wording a bit, if that is you decide to keep it.

At home I forced myself to act fine, and pretended that school was great. That life was great.

To me this seems like it is better fit to be a single thought, like it should be separated by, say, a semi-colon or something.

The other kids were probably right to stay away from me, like they did

Commas, commas, everywhere in not a place to pause.

I laughed at the TV when it was required, and I came home from school with a bright, happy smile pasted on my face.

This line was beautiful. Powerful, simple, sweet. Beautiful.
___________________________________________________
Character:
At this point I'm very impressed with how developed your characters voice is. It's clean, and obvious, and unique and shines through in the writing. Very good, I can't wait to meet the rest of your characters.


Plot:
Very anticipatory thus far. My only advice would be that if you are indeed writing your own version of Prom Night [I haven't seen it, but I read that you said that], then try to avoid major events, characteristics, and plot twists that occur in the movie vs. your story. Make sure that if you make your own version of something, it is in fact your own. Since I haven't seen the movie, I can't tell you how many points your getting for originality, even though I'm loving it.

Overall:
I thought this was very, very good. Mature. Well-said. Simple in the best way.

I'll return as soon as I can for the next part, and in the meantime:
Keep up the good work.
-JC