The Last Dance

~First draft. Very open to help~



The last dance, for her, was like dancing with a broom. It was stiff and very unentertaining. She kept a fake, uninterested smile on her face while pretending to have a good time. It was terrible. The magnificent room was just to beautiful to have too put up with the settings tonight.
The room was grand, as grand as any ballroom. It had a beautiful floor, and many wonderful and expensive furnishings. They had the finest servants and butlers and the best food. She was happy in here, if she was alone. She hated the formalities and the dancing. She hated the heavy, expensive dresses with the hooped skirts. The uncomfortable pumps the women wore with long earbobs that were almost too much. She hated balls and dances. They were high society gatherings, where snobby people arranged young couples. Young couples that were to get married.
These horrible settings and terrible men made it hard for Jennilyn to find a good young man who would respect her standards and loved her. Many told her that nobody cared about those kinds of things. Yes, they were rich and handsome, but Jennilyn could not find one good quality or skill that would amount to anything in them. Her parents, who were rich and in the highest class of society, disagreed with her principles and standards, they forced many socials and dances into her schedule. They invited many bachelors, whom they knew were taken with her. She was so tired of them. She was tired of the boys who awed over her, but didn't want to get to know her.
"Thank you for the dance, Miss Hampton." The broom winked and sauntered away. Only Jennilyn caught the wink. She knew she was pretty, but it was tiresome to have men act that way. Didn’t they have any standards? She answered her own question with a no. She curtsied a little late and gracefully walked to the magnificent French doors.
She sighed deeply when she heard her mother's commanding voice.
"Jenni! Jennilyn, where on earth do you think you are going? The night is barely through and many more are waiting to dance," she said, flustered.
"Oh dear Mother,” she said with a subtle sarcasm to her tone. “My feet are aching, my poor temperature is rising, and I have no fresh air. Please let me escape for just a while to cool down."
Her mother's stiff face looked harsh and Jennilyn feared it would be a no, but her mother’s voice allowed her. "Fine. You may go."
She burst through the doors, breathing in deeply while relishing the cool air on her face. A summer breezed sighed through the trees, rustling the leaves with a quiet whisper. Gathering her skirts, Jennilyn started around the hedges that were a brilliant maze around a spacious fountain. She cherished the garden and all the time she had spent here as a child. She tenderly touched the cool marble of the fountain. It was smooth and sweet. She rounded the corner of another hedge. A dark figure loomed before her. Her mouth opened to scream, but no sound came out..
"Jennilyn! Did I frighten you that bad?" Henry laughed. A laugh that had always comforted her, but now, she didn’t find comfort. Henry, her only brother and her oldest brother, loved to tease her so and was her best friend. She felt mad, but the anger ceased and turned into, once again, sarcasm.
"Oh! I shall have you hung, or chased!" she teased right back. "If I would have screamed, you could bet that those enchanting young men would be out here very quickly!" She tried to calm her pounding heart.
"I bet they would've. But no worries, for I would have hidden you away. Though how could we leave without dear, Georgie?" Georgie, or Georgiana, was Jennilyn's best friend. Though she was a servant, Jennilyn treated her with the love of a sister. She was the one girl Jennilyn could talk to.
"Yes, I would have to get her, but then you would have to carry her, for I know how much you swoon over her." Jennilyn watched the color in his face grow deeper, as her eyes grew accustomed to the dark night.
But the come back showed no sign of embarrassment. "Yes, I just might carry her. And you dear sister, you could either walk or perhaps carry me."
"Oh you!" Her fist flew towards his arm. Henry took it and laughed.
“Were you not having a good time?” he asked. Jennilyn knew exactly what he meant.
“No, I couldn’t take it anymore. Mama and Papa won’t let me be! I want to leave. Papa keeps getting so upset at me. I am not even seventeen! I don’t want to marry yet!”
Henry felt sympathy for his younger sister; the first and only Hampton daughter. His darling little sister was such a pretty woman now. A sweet heart-shaped face was dusted across the nose with a sprinkle of freckles; angels kisses as their grandfather had called them. Her dark brown hair that flowed like a waterfall down to her waist and curled softly. She had a slightly crooked smile that enchanted many. Her blue eyes were so extraordinary. The color was so bright. She had curves and stood at five feet four inches. Yes, she was the dream of any young man.
Her personality just set off her looks with an unnatural sense. The best qualities he could find were her brightness and sense of humor. She read too much and laughed even more. She talked and talked, but most of all, she cared. She cared about anything, everything. The word shy wasn't even in her vocabulary. She was stubborn and stood her ground. He loved how she stood up for others, but the thing he loved most about her was that she had wisdom beyond her sixteen years. It wouldn’t be hard to remember her beautiful young face.
"Henry, is something troubling you?" Her head cocked to the left. "You just sat there and I didn’t know what to do!"
"Yes, and we need to talk."
"Of what?"
"Take a walk with me." He hadn't planned on telling her, but it seemed right. He started in as they slowly started walking, her arm linked in his.

What ya'll think?

CJeanene,

I think - actually, I’m thinking of your zero review count. Er, yeah. See, to post anything at all, you need to write at least 2 reviews for other people. Same goes to next posted piece. So, you do that, yes?

Anyway, your critique.


Quote:
The last dance, for her anyway, was like dancing with a broom.
Nice image. But I don’t like the “anyway”, I just don’t.


Quote:
Especially in the magnificent room, where one day she hoped to find the right one, the right man to make all of her dreams come true, but she knew she was just daydreaming.
Especially in the magnificent room where one day she hoped to find the right one, the right man to make all of her dreams come true. But she knew she was just daydreaming. (Consider - this just - dragged).


Quote:
They had the finest servants and butlers and the best food.
Who?


Quote:
This whole ‘ball’ thing was irrelevant to her. I
don’t like the phrase: “this whole:.


Quote:
These horrible settings and terrible men made it hard for Jennilyn to find a good young man, whom would respect her standards and loved her for her.
“her for her” - awkward. No comma, “whom: - “who”


Quote:
Her parents, who were rich and in the highest class of society, disagreed with her principles and standards, they forced many socials and dances into her schedule.
Last part - run on. Split.


Quote:
The broom winked and sauntered away
^^


Quote:
A dark figure loomed before her. Her mouth opened to scream. No sound came out of her gaped mouth.
Mouth, mouth.


Quote;
she tried to calm her pounding heart.
Capital.


Quote:
hough, how could we leave without dear, Georgie?"
No first comma.


Quote:
She hated to be out done by the young boys he used to play with.
Outdone.


***

-> A lot of your sentences start with a pronoun (“she”, to be exact). Change that, vary sentence structure. I liked the way Henry’s thoughts trailed, but that second big block of thoughts? C’mon.


-> Careful and don’t make your MC a Mary Sue. She’s to perfect for my taste, really.


-> Some of the text was horridly matter-of-fact, as if narrated. While that’s okay, I guess, but I want to see a tale being spun. I want to see emotion. Example of the ifrst would be:

Quote:
A dark figure loomed before her. Her mouth opened to scream. No sound came out of her gaped mouth.
This happened. That happened.


-> The ball is tiresome - show us that. Also, second “heavy sarcasm” - no.


-> I did, however, like your dialogue. That was awesome and gave some depth to your characters. The very concept is interesting, too, and I wonder what’ll happen with this piece (:


Cheers, and remember about reviewing,
Esme

I think the mistakes made have already been pointed out by Esme, so there isnt really much else for me to critique here. but I took the time to read it so I thought I would just leave a little note to tell you so .

I did like this, but the opening didnt catch me straight away, but you use ncie imagery. I also really like the characters, and I look forward to seeing some more around

Hope it goes well,

Meevs

x

(Oh and dont forget to review other people stuff, if you dont review you are not likely to get people review your stuff!!)

I adit to skimming - I don't know if it is just the mood I'm in, but this didn't capture my interest all that well. Though I normally don't begin with the negative, I think I'm going to now: The language/dialogue felt unreal. I couldn't picture them saying their lines in my head, because most of it was melodramatic or overdone. Example: "...And you dear sister..." Just things like that.

Punctuation also needs work. There's a great website taht helps with commas and such: http://www.grammarbook.com/

There were too many modern phrases in this, too. While reading it was made obvious to me that this is a period novel. So things like "Are you okay?" are NOT okay. Reread, and get rid of anything you think YOU might say in a conversation.

Nitpicks I found in brief skim:

The magnificent room was just to beautiful to have to put up with the settings tonight.

Wrong form of to. Should be too.

"Ugh!" her response sounded in her ears.

The h should be capitalized, but this is awkward anyhow, and I think you should change it.


Now for the positive. Yes, there ARE some good things I have to say about this

I particularly enjoyed the comparison of her dancing partner to a broom. I found that humorous, and it added a good tone to the chapter. I also think you're doing well with character development, up to this point. We've been given a healthy dose of your MC's personality.

That's all I have to say for now. Hope this helps, and keep writing.

KJ

The last dance, for her, was like dancing with a broom.

This is a very good, unique image to start the story with.

It was stiff and very unentertaining.

Get rid of the "very". It's kind of a superlative already. The "very" kills this sentence.

She kept a fake, uninterested smile on her face while pretending to have a good time. It was terrible. The magnificent room was just to beautiful to have too put up with the settings tonight.

Mispelling of "too". You said "to have too" . It's "to have to". With one "o". And settings isn't the right word. Maybe circumstances?

The room was grand, as grand as any ballroom. It had a beautiful floor, and many wonderful and expensive furnishings.

The "many wonderful and expensive" makes it sound like English is your second language, which I'm sure it isn't. Change it to, "It had a beautiful floor. Wonderful, expensive furnishings surrounded her."

The uncomfortable pumps the women wore with long earbobs that were almost too much.

This sentence really doesn't make sense.

She hated balls and dances. They were high society gatherings, where snobby people arranged young couples.

How can people "arrange couples". Have you missed words out? You can't just "arrange" someone, but you can arrange for them to do something.

These horrible settings and terrible men made it hard for Jennilyn to find a good young man who would respect her standards and loved her. Many told her that nobody cared about those kinds of things.

Again, settings is completely the wrong word. It reminds me of computers and technology, which is really not the right atmosphere you're aiming for.

"Jennilyn! Did I frighten you that bad?" Henry laughed.

This sounds too modern. Change "bad" to "badly".


Okay, right. This doesn't quite sound like a proper story yet. Your description, in places is beautifully balanced, but in others, you need way more. I can't visualise it at all, it's like I"m watching it through frosted glass or something, it's like reading a dream sequence, somehow.
I can't feel empathy for the character yet.
She is way too much of a Mary Sue.

How is the reader meant to empathize with someone who's beautiful, any man's dream and blablabla. Re-read this paragraph to yourself and try to understand how the only sentiment the reader will evoke for this character is jealousy and annoynace, because she is so "perfect".

Henry felt sympathy for his younger sister; the first and only Hampton daughter. His darling little sister was such a pretty woman now. A sweet heart-shaped face was dusted across the nose with a sprinkle of freckles; angels kisses as their grandfather had called them. Her dark brown hair that flowed like a waterfall down to her waist and curled softly. She had a slightly crooked smile that enchanted many. Her blue eyes were so extraordinary. The color was so bright. She had curves and stood at five feet four inches. Yes, she was the dream of any young man.

You see?

Now, I hope I didn't discourage you.
If you keep working on it, you'll get somewhere.

Sarah
xxx

Hello. No nit-picks from me (partly due to laziness, but it seems others have already done the deed) - I'll just give you an over-all.
I thought the opening was kinda catchy - it's a common problem, for historical fiction to start of sloooow, and when you're writing a short story, not a full-blown novel, it's vital to reel readers in immediately.
However, things got samey. It felt like one long description, one long sigh, even. I kept thinking, where's the variation? There was, I'm afraid, too much telling.
Even the dialogue felt a bit of a farce. Apart from it sounding a smidgen too modern, I believe it could have been a little more realistic. Does every other sentence uttered have to end in an exclamation mark? I'll give you a tip: say the conversations aloud to yourself. Yes, perhaps you'll sound barking mad to passersby, but at least you'll be able to differentiate between what looks nice on paper and what your characters would actually say.

Reading the above, I see I've been largely negative. However, it had something to it - you just need to be more dedicated in honing it.

I think all the previous replies are very valid, so I'm not going to go through all the little spelling and grammar stuff. I'm just wondering how much research into the time period you actually did? I'm pretty much lost as to what era you're describing. Elizabethan? Earlier? Later? In some places I doubt you did any research at all. For historical fiction, you have to research your time period at least a little bit.

You made it very clear that you like the adjectives "magnificent" and "enchanted", using each of them at least twice. This diminishes the power of the adjectives. Try to vary them. If you can't find it in your head, I recommend a thesaurus. By the way, "unentertaining" is awkward. Try a different adjective, like "boring" or one to suit your time period.

The main character, Jennilyn (by the way, blending names like this is a very modern concept and it sits awkwardly in the rest of your story) is described as stubborn and sarcastic, and completely angelic on every other front. I know that we do not get much of a chance to see Jennilyn's character up close, but I'm not getting the feel of stubborn or sarcastic, and her supposedly "most sarcastic" lines strike me as playful. (Maybe I have too much practise with sarcasm, no?) This character is too perfect to me and her supposed imperfections do not present themselves openly enough.

You have lots of modern influence in this piece, such as the name blending, "pumps" and some language, such as "did I scare you that bad?" instead of "...badly?"

Some of the language is crude, such as "scare you that bad?" and "you just sat there." The rest of the language has a softer feel, and these phrases could use work.

On a positive note, I love the comparison between her dancing partner and a broom. I'm glad you didn't only use it for one sentence and then give the broom a name when you mentioned him again, that would have cut the imagery horifically.

I can't see too much of a plot forming so I can't comment on that, but I think the way you describe the characters and their mannerisms in such a short way that still gives the reader such a clear picture will be a tremendous strength in your writing future.

This was quite good. I was surprised when I reached the end. from the rest of the piece, I had expected a lone short story, not something that will be continued, but you don't here any complaints from me!

The last dance, for her, was like dancing with a broom. It was stiff and very unentertaining.

Nice. I like this. Straight away you make me want to keep reading.

Jenni!

From the information given, I don't think she would call her daughter by a shortened name in public. It just doesn't seem right.

Though how could we leave without dear, Georgie?"

This sentence really confused me. I would change it, because I still can't understand what it's supposed to mean.

A lot of this seems to incorporate modern words. It's hard not too do, but you need to look over it very carefully to make sure there isn't any of that.

Overall, this was quite good. I enjoyed it a lot.

Not a terribly long critique, but you'll have to forgive me. I'm quite tired and I don't want to go back to school. Let me know if you revise this.

Very nice! It was a good start to what seems to be a good story! (: There are a couple of things I would like to add though.

Young couples that were to get married.

Perhaps changing the 'get' to 'be' would help this to flow a little better.

Henry, her only brother and her oldest brother...

Maybe try saying her older- and only- brother..

"Though how could we leave without dear, Georgie?"

You can take the comma out after dear, that is an unnecessary pause. You could also add our dear Georgie.

I don’t want to marry yet!

If you wanted to make her seem a little more... dramatic, you could say "I do not want to be married yet!"

These are very minute things, but other than that you have an incredible imagination!

Way to go! (:

CJeanene13-
Okay. First off, remember to space out the paragraphs. Chunking the paragraphs, will make the reader not want to read it. Spread them out in separate paragraphs. Let them flow.
The descriptions were nicely done but the dialogue didn't feel right. Put yourself in that situation and think of what they would say. Let it come smoothly.
Knowing that I love historical fiction {mostly romance}, I felt this was good. Not perfect, but a great beginning.
You left at a cliffhanger, try not to do that. 'Cause I saw no other chapters to this. I wanna know what Henry is going to say. It's going to bug me that you haven't written anything else.
Enough talking, off I go...
-Merry