More Green Ribbons

MORE GREEN RiBBONS

Marcus’ horse danced lightly through the scattered trees to get to me. He greeted the other men along the way, but I could see in the heightened sharpness of his movements that he wasn’t without worry.
“News?” I guessed when he reached me, holding his arm up as a greeting. The bright green ribbon around my arm fluttered in the upcoming wind when I returned the gesture.
Marcus nodded and let his Yaladrethan mare trot to my side.
“A band of robbers, I’d say,” he informed me in his brief, casual manner. “Quite a few, though. Maybe we shouldn’t confront them in the open.”
I frowned at this news.
“How many and how well equipped? Did you see anything of worth?”
“Oh yes, they were walking through a valley and left me free to watch them. Fifteen wretches, no horses with them, and wearied. They seem to be headed for a house on top of a hill, not far from here, sort of between us and them, a few miles ahead.”
“Hmm. No, we shouldn’t be seen by them.”
My thoughts were flicking through versions of the country here. Population was scarce, hiding was easy, hunting was a mess since there were only rabbits in the open. Back in the forest there had been deer, but as much fun as that was, we had to press on, heading north.
Marcus stayed by my side. I could tell there was something on his mind – he frowned at my conclusion.
“It might not be that easy, evading them” he confessed, knowing that honesty was the only way to survive out here. “The valley they came through ended sooner than I or they expected and they saw me briefly.”
Now it was my turn to frown. I didn’t blame Marcus, though. He was our best path-maker and made little enough mistakes. He couldn’t help the strangely shaped grassland here.
“Did they make any effort to come after you?”
“They were mostly too surprised,” Marcus shrugged and a smug smile crept into his eyes. “And I sped away like a madman so they wouldn’t see the green ribbon. They seem to be organized, so they’ve probably heard of us.”
“Well, they have heads, so they’ll use them and conclude that there are some of us about what have seen them” I voiced my thoughts. Marcus nodded. “We are headed the same way, then, and it’s a matter of what party reaches that house first, is that right?”
“That’ll be us?”
“It better be, except if you want to lose your head in an attempt to storm a house on a hill held by a mob of angry robbers. Also, there might be civil blood involved, and I don’t want people aware of us too much. Or die.”
“Sure.” Marcus nodded in unison with Julius who had listened in silence to our conversation and was now riding up the line of men to inform them of our decision. A minute later, the trot of the horses turned into a casual gallop when sixteen-year-old Jaako at the front gave his horse a piece of his mind.

Miss Feckless,

Hello! And did you know that it’s still raining? I mean, it was raining yesterday, when I forgot my umbrella, and it was raining earlier on today, when I lost that umbrella. Stupid rain, no? Anyway, your critique.


Quote:
Marcus’ horse danced lightly through the scattered trees to get to me.
Marcus’s.


Quote:
They seem to be headed for a house on top of a hill, not far from here, sort of between us and them, a few miles ahead.
Brief manner, I say.


Quote:
My thoughts were flicking through versions of the country here.
“versions of country” - hmm.


Quote:
Population was scarce, hiding was easy, hunting was a mess since there were only rabbits in the open
Last part run on, linking word needed.


Quote:
but as much fun as that was, we had to press on, heading north.
Had been, I think - the was, that is.


Quote:
I could tell there was something on his mind – he frowned at my conclusion.
Unclear. At what she said before? If yes, then consider: “was frowning”


Quote:
“It might not be that easy, evading them” he confessed, knowing that honesty was the only way to survive out here.
Dialogue punctuation - a comma is needed. And truthfully, I don’t agree with the honesty part. At all. Among themselves, in their relationship, yes, but in “surviving out there”?


Quote:
The valley they came through ended sooner than I or they expected and they saw me briefly.
Akward, consider rephrasing. I know this is dialogue, but still.

Quote:
He was our best path-maker and made little enough mistakes.
Cut “enough”


Quote:
“Well, they have heads, so they’ll use them and conclude that there are some of us about what have seen them” I voiced my thoughts.
First part of sentence - awesome. But then frpm “that there” it goes downhill. It become unclear. Also, dialogue punctuation.


Quote:
It better be, except if you want to lose your head in an attempt to storm a house on a hill held by a mob of angry robbers.
Except what?


Quote:
Marcus nodded in unison with Julius who had listened in silence to our conversation and was now riding up the line of men to inform them of our decision.
So much info jammed without any commas - no, no. Split?


***


First of all, welcome to YWS (: I hope you’ll love it here!

Anyway, seems like you’re spinning an interesting story. It was short, and mostly consisted of dialogue, but since the dialogue did have a set purpose, I’m not complaining. Any of the more constructive comments I might have had were listed above.

As for the cons - the dialogue at some point seemed a little bit forced (near the end - the MC’s dialogue), and on the punctuation of that you need to work a bit. Here’s a really helpful link (contents written by Snoink): article19430.html

Lovely map (: Reminds me I have to draw my own… Oh, the horror!


Cheers,

I turned my head to the right when the house came into sight, half expecting Marcus to shoot through the trees with some fifteen robbers on his heels, but there was no need. We were here well before them and Marcus joined us even before we reached the foot of the hill.
“They’re not even trying to be fast” he said and sounded almost disappointed. “But they’re headed here alright. I listened to their conversation a bit – there were good places to hide there. You wouldn’t have seen me had I stood right in front of you, shouting stupid in your face.” He grinned at me and I knew why he’d done it. He wanted to make up for his mistake from before. I only nodded, enquiring for more information they had let slip while thinking themselves unheard.
“Nothing of consequence, really. They’re annoyed with the rabbits and going hungry for the day – can understand that, though. Now they’re annoyed with themselves for going hungry, cause they’re suspecting we’ll be here before them and there’s going to be a fight.”
“Are they bad ones?” I asked. “Maybe they’d be interested in switching sides.”
Marcus shook his head quickly. He didn’t believe in my offering robbers different jobs. He thought it made the whole operation unstable, inviting the enemy in. It did, but the more men we commanded, the more force we would have on those who hadn’t joined us yet. I trusted in people’s unfailing survival instinct.
Jaako let himself fall back and waited until he was level with me to shake his blond head in direction of the house.
“I’ll go and have a look, see if anyone’s home there” he offered. He was our youngest man and eager to be taken seriously.
“Take Julius” I said. I didn’t feel like scaring commoners again. I’d done that enough during the last month when we had to cross the already frightened villages south of the nurelen . “And if you find anyone, just tell them to stay invisible until we’ve met those robbers.”
“Will do.” Julius and Jaako took off at once.
The house looked deserted enough when we got there. I left my horse to Cian and met Julius at the door. The young man was leaning against the brittle doorframe, resting some.
“Anyone home?” I asked, knocking on the white door twice.
“A girl, young as dew” he responded. I frowned while the words set my insides swinging. I couldn’t help it though I knew I had no time for any romances. We’d been riding through this mess for too long and hadn’t seen many girls.
Suddenly, I found the hitch in his words.
“No family?” I asked, puzzled. Julius shook his head.
“Some tragedy” he said and sounded sorry for her.
“Hmm” I’d had enough tragedies to last me for a while and didn’t want to know about this one a lot. “She living alone up here?”
“Hmm” Julius shrugged. “Couldn’t get much out of her. She’s hardly fifteen, I reckon. But brave and good and hardly afraid of anything.”
“Well, with one young girl up here, would you have an eye on her?”
I knew my men well, but I couldn’t trust my own stomach anymore, so the girl better had some protection. Julius was a married man who loved his wife and daughter and he would do the job just fine.
But he looked unhappy with his new assignment now, shaking his head at me.
“She’ll be just fine” he assured me. “You’ll need me for the fight, right? There’s fifteen of them and nineteen of us, so it’ll be tough enough even though we have the house.”
“But I’m not planning to fight them” I insisted, sticking my chin out ever so slightly. “We’re going to offer them to join us.”
“A band this big could have us all killed at night and leave us dead here” Julius argued.
“A band that big could prove our saviors just as well, Julius.”
“Well, they don’t look they want to make peace. Here they come.”
They were coming. They looked tired and hungry but determined. The men were gathered round me in a second and, leaving Julius and Jaako behind to guard the house, we went out to meet them some hundred yards from the house.
Hand on my sword, I stepped forward, marking myself as the leader. A tall man did the same for them. He was scrutinizing me with a cautious look. He knew they didn’t have a good chance of winning this fight.
“I’ve heard of you people” the other one began. “You’re fighting for centralized power, huh?”
“Exactly” I nodded curtly. “And you are welcome to join us if that is your goal, too.”
I wasn’t a friend of long speeches. The robber was taken aback by my quick offer and looked me over again, as if he had missed something.
“Do we look like honest men to you?”
“You might become them, if you wish. It’s possible for everyone.”
“I can’t say that for us all” the tall man hesitated, “but for myself I’d say yes, a taste of honesty might do me good.”
“Any of you who wish to live by honest work may join us as well” I said to the other fourteen. Some looked doubtful, some hopeful, some hateful.
I stayed behind to arrange my thoughts. We were headed north-west, where we would meet Lemgo with his men. We’d join forces in Memkû, the largest city in Joscha and proclaim ourselves something. What that was, I had only a vague idea of. I planned on making Lemgo our leader, king maybe.
When I turned my head to see what had become of the robbers, I noticed they’d all entered the house. I couldn’t make myself believe that they would all turn into faithful soldiers. I had led our men on a dangerous path.

Marcus’ [Should be s after comma] horse danced lightly through the scattered trees to get to me. He greeted the other men along the way, but I could see in the heightened sharpness of his movements that he wasn’t without worry [Eh. Wasn't without worry - don't like. Reword.].

“News?” I guessed when he reached me, holding his arm up as a greeting. The bright green ribbon around my arm fluttered in the upcoming wind when I returned the gesture.

Marcus nodded [Comma would be nice here] and let his Yaladrethan mare trot to my side.

“A band of robbers, I’d say,” he informed me in his brief, casual manner. “Quite a few, though. Maybe we shouldn’t confront them in the open.”

I frowned at this news.

[Could be combined with previous] “How many and how well equipped? Did you see anything of worth?”

“Oh yes, they were walking through a valley and left me free to watch them. Fifteen wretches, no horses with them, and wearied. They seem to be headed for a house on top of a hill, not far from here, sort of between us and them, a few miles ahead.”

“Hmm. No, we shouldn’t be seen by them [Again, awkward wording. Perhaps have her say something like, "No, I don't think we shold let them see us."].”

My thoughts were flicking through versions of the country here [Versions? Odd word for this. Perhaps parts?]. Population was scarce, hiding was easy, hunting was a mess since there were only rabbits in the pen. Back in the forest there had been deer, but as much fun as that was, we had to press on, heading north.

Marcus stayed by my side. I could tell there was something on his mind – he frowned at my conclusion.

“It might not be that easy, evading them” he confessed, knowing that honesty was the only way to survive out here. “The valley they came through ended sooner than I or they expected and they saw me briefly.”

Now it was my turn to frown. I didn’t blame Marcus, though. He was our best path-maker and made little enough mistakes. He couldn’t help the strangely shaped grassland here.

“Did they make any effort to come after you?”

“They were mostly too surprised,” [Should be period instead of comma in dialogue] Marcus shrugged and a smug smile crept into his eyes. “And I sped away like a madman so they wouldn’t see the green ribbon. They seem to be organized, so they’ve probably heard of us.”

“Well, they have heads, so they’ll use them and conclude that there are some of us about what have seen them” I voiced my thoughts. Marcus nodded. “We are headed the same way, then, and it’s a matter of what party reaches that house first, is that right?”

“That’ll be us?”

“It better be, except if you want to lose your head in an attempt to storm a house on a hill held by a mob of angry robbers. Also, there might be civil blood involved, and I don’t want people aware of us too much. Or die.”

“Sure.” Marcus nodded in unison with Julius [Comma] who had listened in silence to our conversation and was now riding up the line of men to inform them of our decision [Long sentence, and suddenly bringing Julius into this felt too abrupt. Plus how would he be able to listen, if he was a ways away on a horse?]. A minute later, the trot of the horses turned into a casual gallop when sixteen-year-old Jaako at the front gave his horse a piece of his mind. [These characters are brought in too jerkily. I have no idea who this is, and suddenly he's doing something, and I have no image of him in my mind as he does this. For this part, I think each character needs to be brought in smoothly, gently. More desciption of each one.]

What drew me in was the title - good job on that. I loved it.

However, there is not near enough character description in this; that was my main problem. I like to imagine scenes in my mind as they happen, and I couldn't do that here. Also, what is the climate like? Is it cold? Windy? Dark?

It was a little... dry, I think. There was no emotion, no exitement. I mean, I know it's a beginning, and perhaps the no-emotion is a key point to these people, but right now I couldn't care less if all these people were murdered and their heads were put on spikes.

So just work on those few things Otherwise, nice job as a beginning. I did like it.