Seeker of the Blade

Seeker of the Blade

Prologue
______________

Born of the Shadow

As the sun reached its peak of noonday’s mark, a slight breeze swept across the rises of the emerald grasslands in this forbidden land. It brushed through the moist, numinous leaves belonging to tall, stout trees that had never been glimpsed by mortal eyes. They dotted the rolling terrain, though scarce in number, among the tall grasses and foliage, swaying against each wisp of air that came its way.

The beautiful, pale azure sky beckoned the birds from their perches, wonderful rotund clouds stationary and surrounding the golden disk which made for the center of a cobalt mural. The birds frisked about in their play, along and above the topmost canopy. Others twittered happily, bathing in their splendor; nothing could disrupt them here.

Small critters scampered along unseen paths, through the high meadows, alongside the brawny trunks of the trees and even up amid them. Scuttling the length of the branches, those highways and through mystifying forests of the tall prairie where they chased and darted wildly in brilliant freedom. The squirrels with their bushy tails chattered in their thievery, along with the furless muskrats who skulked about. Squirrels competed with kith and kin alike, reds, grays and browns whirling about in activity of vivacious restlessness.

Where the trees would grow close, enough to call it a forest, elk and other shadowed creatures lurked beneath the shaded awning of the trees’ branches. It was rare to see them exit from the woods, yet they would feed off the foliage of the plains, easily distinguished with their rich fur against the bland grass. The deer would also find themselves along the river bank, gritty terrain as a counterpart on either side, broken down by many ages of the stream. The crystalline waters gave both a well for these deer and also a home for fish. The clear waters revealed sleens and craeres, their silvery scaled bodies glinting of the dappled water, along with the pebbles that outlined the bed of the stream.

Slashes of lavender above the treetops or along the horizon were legendary mountains that ranged to endless heights through the clouds. Those mounts encircled this land, this refuge for the protection of these animals, of this land. Breaking the atmosphere in two, they stabbed to the heaven in anguish.

This haven, for all of its inhabitants, all of its beings and wonderful monuments, the trees, the rivers, waterfalls and valleys, were all locked and forgotten of the current age; imbedded at the top most part of its world, it was both concealed and trapped for no mortal to enter.

And as time passed, the animals were reborn again, each part reborn once more to serve its purpose. So it stayed an ancient sanctuary, a lost oasis surrounded by the harshest of climates.

As it aged, technology and logic growing in the minds of the mortals, so had darkness. This evil came without word, but the human defenses held, and the dark forces were withdrawn. But a plague came into being, gripping these northlands like cold, skeletal hands. The only thing to pass through those mountains, in fact, in such a great time was this affliction.

The plants withered, the water was turned a nasty tinge. What used to be of the asylum turned to a desolate place of sand and endless cracked earth. This was when the Lord of Black came into being...

In the very center, air seemed to have stilled and coalesced into darkness where the figure was born. He was a ragged frame, clad in a torn cloak that hid anything about him—even that of his shape of possible human could have been misjudged. The black tattered rags seemed to simply hang off of him, a wonder they didn’t tear and fall to the ground, or slip from an arm and crumple to dust.

Hmm. Since i'm the first reply, lets start traditionally, K?

SPELLING:

....The clear waters revealed sleens and craeres, their....
Can't find in dictionary.

OTHER:

.....The plants withered, the water was turned a nasty tinge. What used to be of the asylum turned to a desolate place of sand and endless

cracked earth. ....
Unnessesary space.

....As it aged, technology and logic growing in the minds of the mortals, evil grow to counteract this. Where this evil came, no being knew, yet it was small, and easily obliterated. ...

wrong tense.

It's curious. I'm wondering what's going to happen.

The continious description kind of slows down the reader's eyes. It might be worthwile to combine paragraphs. Ask WinterGrimm to review it. She's better than I.

Thank you very much.

First off, I do not know why there was that monstrocity of a space there. My apologies for that.

Those two fish, the craers and sleens, are two fish I created, so try to not be too alarmed.

Thank you for your advice, I really appriciate it.

And this is only the first half of the prologue...
Still working on the second half.

The sun's radiance blessed this land, warmth was not great, but it sunk deep.

I'm not sure that this means. It reads aloud very akwardly. Lemme give a shot at a suggested stead "While the land's warmth was not great, the sun's radience blessed the land and sunk deeply into it."
If you have something better by all means use it.

dawn of the Heat.

Heat is capitalised, why is that? If the heat is personified, then I'd think you'd want to personify the Sun as well.

Rolling plains blanketed in a soft layer of emerald swayed methodically in the breeze

I do enjoy soft layer of emerald but I don't know about methodically. Its a moutful of a word and I don't think it adds anything to the sentence. Try deleting it and read the sentence and see what you think. I don't think it will lose any power, and will most likely gain power.

The breeze was soft, enough to ruffle the foliage and brush the trees in a western direction.

No comma here.

singing willingly of harmony

As opposed to those birds who are forced to sing at gunpoint? I'd suggest getting rid of this adverb. And wouldn't they sing in harmony. Or perhaps they are singing a melody. Harmony suggests some pretty advanced birds, which may be what you're going for. Normally birds aren't smooth enough to sing in harmony, maybe in Disney. Usually Barbershop Quartets sing in harmony.

Only the murmur of leaves disrupted those birds as they crooned in unison.

Instead of "those birds" I think its more proper to say "the birds". Also if they are singing in harmony they can't very well be in unison at the same time. harmony would mean they're singin in chords and unison would mean they are singing the same notes.

Those miniature animals, clad in colorful feathers would occasionally swoop low to catch their feed or sweep the waters for fish in a fluent grace.

This sentence is a forehead slapper, to be honest. First of all we can assume that these birds are not giant raptors and so we all know they're small. Also try
"the colorfully clad birds would ocassionally swoop low to catch their feed, or dive into the waters fro fish with a fluid grace."

Youth opened their mouths wide in immature calls, stopping only when food filled those beaks.

I assume these are baby birds, but you don't really specify so I thought another youthful creature had appeared here. Make sure we know by the beginning of the sentence.

Squirrels and muskrats, small critters with thin fur bounding about under the trees canopy, along bare, rich earth and through the high grasses. The squirrels with their shaggy tales played with kith and kin alike, grays and browns and tinges of red mixing in the bustling. Trying here and there to scoff the few seeds among the flowers, pulling roots and scampering away like thieves.

small critters with thin fur were bounding or are bounding. I don't know. You need to decide whether your in the past or the preasent tense. And to be honest I'm not sure why all of the forest animals need so much attention. But maybe they are important later. If not I'd suggest cutting these paragraphs down. I think this paragraph could easily start with "The squirrels with their shaggy tales...." This paragraph is also strangely worded. Read it out loud.

Among the sluggish waterways, many streaked through the water, the sleens and craeres. Beautiful rocks reflecting the light brilliantly on the rivers bed, those pebbles carved to smoothness through those many ages. Not much activity could be seen in those crystalline streams dividing the land.

Why are the waterways sluggish? Most waterways I know are rather swift. and many what's? I know you say fish names in the next paragraph but hwere we are saying that many sluggish waterways are streaking through the water. And we get that the scene is serene could we cut the last sentence of this paragraph, please?

The sky was vast, but cut off to the north by jagged knives slicing through the atmosphere, so high that the blue was now darkly clouded. Mountains of legend separating realms, dyed lavender, ranged off to the east and west, fading along the horizon. Yet something so great from afar, must be towering to the heavens when at the roots of them, carving through the clouds and continuing further.

Start of this paragraph with "The vase sky was cut off by the northern moutains that cut across the horizon." atmosphere is a pretty modern word for a fantasy story. This paragraph does have the potential to be very visual and iteresting but it has to be coherent first.

Okay there's going to have to be some changes here before I can go any farther. Read this story aloud and I guarentee you will find half of your problems. If that doesn't work read it aloud backwards. Now that may sound silly but it works for some. Please take in account that you tend to use alot of passive voice and you need to keep your pronouns straight and make sure we know who did what. Also, there are sentences in here that just plain don't make a lot of sense. Like I said though reading aloud should catch those. Try to keep these things in mind if you wish to continue this story. There's a possiblity of good things coming but you need to work on a lot of stuff. I'm really not trying to be a prick here but if you can work on this stuff I guarentee your writing will get ten times better easily.

And if you notice, I did edit it quite a bit. Like... Deleting the entire thing and redoing it. It's there, same idea, but different words.

But thank you very much for taking your time with the previous version.
I really appriciate it...

This was posted a while ago, I know, but the title caught my eye. You really setup the detail well.

"As it aged, technology and logic growing in the minds of the mortals, evil grew to counteract this. Where this evil came, no being knew, yet it was small, and easily obliterated. But a plague was formed, gripping these northlands like cold, skeletal hands, the only thing to pass through those mountains in such a great time."

This just seems odd to me. It kind of breaks the flow of the whole thing. You might want to try rearranging the words here, "Where this evil came, no being knew, yet it was small, and easily obliterated." Then create a better flow to the next sentence. You just seem to jump around in this paragraph.

Good stuff.

Sweet Dude! I like your story...
As always... Its detailed and intricate...
Keep up the good work.

The title seems...Corny. Cliched. Something. I don't know, it's probably just my opinion; maybe lots of people like it. After all, Randy said it caught his eye.

I really like the first paragraph. Great description, in my opinion. "Land," the last word in the first sentence, seems a little repetetive, though, since it's just a few words after "grasslands." I suggest you just cut "in this forbidden land." That sounds a little too melodramatic, anyway.

You have quite a vocabulary. I found myself searching Dictionary.com multiple times during just the first couple paragraphs. That's fine, but make sure you write the way words come naturally to you; don't be looking through thesauruses.

Scuttling the length of the branches, those highways and through mystifying forests of the tall prairie where they chased and darted wildly in brilliant freedom.

I think this is a fragment. What's the subject?

The squirrels with their bushy tails chattered in their thievery, along with the furless muskrats who skulked about.

Also a fragment.

whirling about in activity of vivacious restlessness

I really like this phrase.

Where the trees would grow close, enough to call it a forest, elk and other shadowed creatures lurked beneath the shaded awning of the trees’ branches.

Why the comma between "close" and "enough"?

beneath the shaded awning of the trees’ branches

Another phrase I like.

And as time passed, the animals were reborn again, each part reborn once more to serve its purpose.

This is a fragment, but I get the impression you know it's a fragment and are breaking the rules on purpose, which is okay. The word "again" is totally unnecessary, since "reborn" means "born again" (in the non-Christian sense). The phrase "once more" is also unnecessary, for the same reason.

So it stayed an ancient sanctuary, a lost oasis surrounded by the harshest of climates.

This is also a fragment, and again I get the impression that you know it. I like the phrase "a lost oasis surrounded by the harshest of climates."

The plants withered, the water was turned a nasty tinge.

This should be separated into two sentences.

The black tattered rags seemed to simply hang off of him, a wonder they didn’t tear and fall to the ground, or slip from an arm and crumple to dust.

I think this should be: "The black, tattered rags seemed to simply hang off him. It was a wonder they didn't tear and fall to the ground, or slip from an arm and crumple to dust."

Post more; I'm interested in reading the rest of this. It was all description, and yet it didn't bore me. That is pretty rare...

A lot of description, which you do very well. Maybe not so great for lazy readers, but it doesn't matter, your stories wouldn't be the same without it. You take good care of your stories, if that makes sense. And you've got me in the mood to do some writing myself, which is always great. Keep writing young sir, you do it well.

I hope you are still writing since this was written in 2005. The frist two paragraphs were very descriptive and most readers will be able to visualize the rest of the story. Keep writing, you are great. I did not notice anything wrong, so I am guessing that you came back and edited as suggested by your other reviews.

Okay, well your title got my attention, so I figured I'd come and check it out. I think you have some excellent descriptions here; however, as a prologue, it doesn't quite have that "hook effect." In other words, you could lose potential readers who aren't intrigued by the setting you're depicting. Usually, dialogue or an action scene grabs a reader's attention. However, I'm looking forward to reading more of the prologue and seeing where you go with this Lord of Black character. Please let me know when you post again!