Demon Hunter- The Beginning

Pretty good. I also think spacing the dialouge would do you good. It seemed a little theatrical, like the first five minutes of a tv pilot. Not a bad one, for sure, but definitely theatrical. I think it opened up the story's theme and plot well without extensive and boring monolouges.

Hey there, DHS (can I call you that?) It's Stella here, your friendly neighbourhood... Stella. May I welcome you to YWS on my own behalf!

Honey, I'm sure you've been told by the others, but I'll just stress what they say, there is a 2:1 review:work ratio here. Your review count is currently one, so you know what you need to do.

Now, onto la critique!


I. NITPICKS

In case you didn't already know, this is YWS speak for the little details that normal people don't care about... but we're not normal here. *cackles insanely.*

A young woman walked down the dark empty hallway. The wooden floor creaked under her as she took another step down. She stopped walking for a moment and stared at an old picture of hers on the wooden wall. She stared at as if she was lost in thought.

The first two sentences are kind of like "Yawn." Try something that takes us immediately into the story, like "The young woman paused as she walked down the corridor, the floor creaking as she looked at an old picture hanging on the wooden wall." Only not as lame as that

" Vincent where are you" she said to herself.

"Vincent, where are you?" she said to herself. Then start a new line.

but the eyes never faded.

That sounds like they've been there forever. "but they didn't fade," or something might be more natural.

Was it really gone this time.

Questions are followed by a question mark!

" Karen!" " Karen are you okay!"

"Karen!"
"Karen, are you okay?"
Then another new line.

" Karen... what happened to you. Who did this!" Karen, still confused on what really happened stared blankly at the old man. " Didn't you see it Sam?" " See what Karen there's nothing here." " Why were you screaming?" " The demon... it was here. It tried to kill me again."

"Karen... what happened to you. Who did this?"
Karen, still confused on what really happened stared blankly at the old man. "Didn't you see it Sam?"
"See what, Karen, there's nothing here."
"Why were you screaming?"
"The demon... it was here. It tried to kill me again."

" I told you that she was crazy. That damn girl is nothing but trouble." Sam sighed in disappointment and said," I thought something actually happened to you this time Karen." Sam helped Karen stand up and escorted her back to her room. " Get some sleep rest. You should feel better in the morning. Same made sure Karen was in bed before he left. After she heard the door close she got back up. The same demonic voice from the hallway laughed at Karen as she cried. " Did you think for one second that they actually believed you? Even I thought you were crazy." Karen turned on the lamp next to the bed and sighed. She stood up and walked to the other side of the room. " I know what I have to do but can I do it" she said to herself.

"I told you that she was crazy. That damn girl is nothing but trouble."
Sam sighed in disappointment and said," I thought something actually happened to you this time Karen."

Sam helped Karen stand up and escorted her back to her room. "Get some sleep rest. sleep rest? You should feel better in the morning."

Sam made sure Karen was in bed before he left. After she heard the door close she got back up. The same demonic voice from the hallway laughed at Karen as she cried, " Did you think for one second that they actually believed you? Even I thought you were crazy."

Karen turned on the lamp next to the bed and sighed. She stood up and walked to the other side of the room. "I know what I have to do but can I do it," she said to herself.

can't do it, maybe?

Right so...

II. PARAGRAPHS ARE YOUR FRIENDS!

They really are, and since they are, you should take them out more!

Use a new paragraph:

-whenever there's a new speaker.
-whenever a new idea or theme is introduced.

Reading a whole big block of text is difficult, especially on a screen. Which is why it's so important to get used to paragraphs. They're basic and don't take much talent to learn how to use, it's just a matter of being bothered to. Get into the habit. I've gotten so into it that my history teacher actually told me "You have to write longer paragraphs." So now I've got to work from the other direction. *rolls eyes.* But please, get used to them.

III. AND THEN, AND THEN, AND THEN...

That's the impression I got. And then this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened, and then this happened.

You need to drag out each event, make it an event in itself. And you have to lead smoothly from one to the next. Find a good transition. And make sure that you change the atmosphere. When the crowd comes, the atmosphere is very different from that of when she's standing alone with the eyes.

IV. IF PARAGRAPHS ARE YOUR FRIENDS, THEN DESCRIPTION IS YOUR LOVER

Seriously.

Describe Victor in the photo. Describe Karen. Describe Sam. Describe how she feels. Describe the atmosphere of the corridor. Describe the corridor itself.

Description is a very important part of fiction. You may know exactly where it takes place and who your characters are, but your readers don't. You need to show it to us.

V. OVERALL

It looks like an interesting story. Just fix the technical bits and it'll be great!

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x