Dear Schmuck

This was written for Bear-kun's Message Contest.

It probably sucks, cause I'm in the epitome of the sickness of doom, right now, but oh well.

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Dear Schmuck-

Alright, look. I don’t know how much of an idiot you think I am, but I am definitely not blind. Maria said she saw you groping Brenda Cornwall today, along with about half the freaking school. How do you think that makes me feel, you little ass? What was going through your mind, exactly? “Oh, haha, Lucy’s such a twit, she’ll never know that I’m going behind her back”. Well, think again, shit-face. Consider our relationship over.

Lucy

P.S.

Remember that lingerie set you gave me last Christmas, telling me to keep it so that you could see it someday? Um, yeah. It’s on its way back to you, first-class. Give it to your little whore, she can wear it.



Lucy-
Oh God, Luce, what the hell? Do you even check your fact resources? I wasn’t groping anyone today. Brenda Cornwall wasn’t even in school today. Seriously. Just take some time to cool your head, and we’ll talk tomorrow, okay?

Brannon

P.S.

Shoving letters through lockers, Lucy? Really. Don’t you think you can be a little more creative? This is what we have cell phones and texting for.


Asswipe-

You aren’t deserving of my creativity, jerk. Brenda Cornwall was in school yesterday. I checked. Your pathetic excuse for an alibi is a colossal failure. Congratulations.

Lucy

P.S.

You aren’t worth wasting cellphone minutes on.

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Lucy: Hi, you’ve reached my cell phone. I’m not available to take your call right now, so leave a message at the beep! …Unless your Brannon, and then you can burn in hell. *beep*

Brannon: Aw, c’mon, Lucy, don’t you think that’s a bit immature? Look, I really think we should sit down and talk this out, you’ve obviously misunderstood. I’ll be at the Coffee Hut tomorrow at 4:30. Drop by, please? Or else I may be forced throw pebbles at your window. *beep*


FROM: lucyfair@rocketmail.com
TO: brannonclark@rocketmail.com
SUBJECT: (None)

Okay, Ass. Now what do you have to say for yourself? I *did* drop by the Coffee Hut yesterday, at around five. I was walking in, and what do you think I saw? Your grubby paws wrapped around some waitress’s waist, who just happened to be Brenda Cornwall. Was she explaining the menu to you? Was there anything particularly *tasty* on it? And before you accuse me of “Getting my facts wrong” AGAIN, I have PROOF, Jerkwad. I took a picture with my cellphone. You can see it below. If our relationship even had a chance before, it’s gone completely down the crapper now.
Lucy

P.S. You still have my Three Days Grace CD. I want it back. You can leave it with Jessica. She’s agreed to hold off puking in your presence long enough for you to give it to her.

FROM: brannonclark@rocketmail.com
TO: lucyfair@rocketmail.com
SUBJECT: RE: (None)

Fine. Fine fine fine fucking fine, lucy. Your completely and utterly right. Happy? Bitch.
And FYI, Brenda looks sooooo much hotter in that panty set then I bet you could ever manage. You were always such a prude.

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Brannon: Yo, you’ve reached my cell. Not here to talk, so leave a message at the beep. *beep*

Lucy: You are such a freaking ‘tard, Brannon. You know that, right? Of course not. Your head’s too freaking thick for your brain to even grasp that concept. Anyway, I’ll have you know that just because I have moral values, that does not make me a prude. Just because Brenda Cornwall is turning into a Walking STD doesn’t mean I have to drop my standards to please some asshole such as yourself. I can’t believe you would even think I would consider such a- *beep*


Lucy-
Baby, I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t mean to blow up at you like that…… y’know, heat of the moment stuff. Could we meet today and talk it over? Please?

-Brannon


Darling Brannon-

Burn in hell.

-(So not) Your Lucy

Hey Cat-sama!

I’m here because I’m judging the contest, and stuff, and so here I am! I’ve gone through and commented on a bunch of stuff. It’s not really too helpful, because I couldn’t find a whole bunch.

I love the whole premise of the story. It’s hilarious. I’ve read this about… ten times now? Maybe. Give or take. And I’ve laughed at those amazing one-liners every time. That’s why I love it so much!

Here’s how I’m going to grade you:

Characterization: 10/10

Plot Idea: 6/10

Follows Rules: 10/10

Spelling & Grammar: 10/10

‘Cool’ Meter: 9/10

Total: 45/50.

Great job, Cat-sama! I really enjoyed it. It’s such a shame to see that no one has critiqued this!

-Jared

I liked this, a lot in fact....Really got a feel for the characters and wanted to whack Brannon one for being such a **** lol! I'm really glad Lucy stood up for herself and dealt with the situation with grace and dignity...it's unusual in a young relationship and I hope people take notice!

The only thing I can say is that I am getting slightly bored of the epistolary fiction that keeps appearing...but hey...its the contest

hahah. I love it! Wonderful point of view for Lucy!

Hi

I really enjoyed reading this and i thought it was a great idea for a layout, very unusual but works really well

i just picked up on a couple of things while i was reading;

Maria said she saw you groping Brenda Cornwall today, along with about half the freaking school

I would swear here to give it a little more impact and convey right from the off how angry Lucy is

You aren’t deserving of my creativity, jerk.

Lucy calls him asswipe at the beginning so the jerk might be a little redundant

Your grubby paws wrapped around some waitress’s waist, who just happened to be Brenda Cornwall

When i first read this it didn't flow to well but going back now and re-reading it made better sense

P.S. You still have my Three Days Grace CD. I want it back. You can leave it with Jessica. She’s agreed to hold off puking in your presence long enough for you to give it to her.

I like the purpose of this sentence but i don't like the way its written 'hold of puking'?? is the bit i don't like, to me it doesn't seem to tie with the rest of the writing

Walking STD

Okay now I'm just being really picky and its STI these days not STD

Oh and last thing just be careful about whats capitalised and whats not. You missed a couple of names and the odd thing was a capital when it shouldn't have been- nothing major though

Keep Writting
Titch x

That was one of the funniest stories I have ever read.
I love how real a breakup can be.
Your use of dialog is superb.
:]
keep up the good work

I loved this! It was great, it really captured how a break up is.

Their characters are great and real, and your use of vocabulary/detail is amazing.
I really liked the writing style of this as well.

You had me chuckling though the whole thing but the note/letter from Lucy sent me over the edge into hysterics. Thank you so much, that deffianatly made my day!

Great job again, hope to see more from you in the future.

Ooh, very very nice. I loved the use of various mediums for the messages, rather than them all being the same.

One thing that I would do (really my only critique) is somehow separate each message so that they don't all run together. Perhaps put something like ---- in between each one or something, in order to break them up a little bit. You do for a few of them, but not all, so consistency would be better.

Overall, however, this was great. I liked the fury on her part and his total denial. I wouldn't say this is the most original of storylines, but the way you pulled it off makes it definitely worth reading. Also, the fact that the girl sticks to her guns at the end makes me very happy. I hate it when they fall all over the guy just because he apologized. Sometimes an "I'm sorry" (especially one that means nothing) doesn't do squat.

*thumbs up* Very nice piece. Quite a few amusingly scathing lines I will have to remember should I ever be in this situation.

~GryphonFledgling

This is so sick and shower you don't even understand!
It's different in a verrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy good way, because you still get the feel of the characters and the stpry all the same in a completely unique style!
WOO.