I Can't Tell You...

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1212
Reviews 17
"I am going to go for a walk," Is what Marie told her parents. She was going to do what she had said she was, only she wasn't going to walk alone. The tall brunette made her way down the street. Her stomach was full, even though she hadn't eaten that night. Something inside fluttered like the light wings of a butterfly. The park appeared as she turned to go down a different street. When she got there she took a seat on one of the park benches. Marie waited.
"Hey, Marie." a familiar voice greeted. The owner of that voice sat beside her.
"Oh, hey, Robert." It was very tense and awkward for a while, but the two friends started talking. They hadn't been friends for all that long, but Marie knew him well enough to know that she didn't just want him to be, "My buddy Robert" anymore. She never once broke eye contact with him. She stared into is dark, deep brown eyes and they lit up as he said, "What is it Marie? Why are you smiling so much?" He was also smiling.
"I suppose it's just too hard not to smile. I'm happy," She said unwillingly and it surprised her when the words escaped her lips. His smile softened, but stayed sweet as he broke eye contact and looked forward. There was a long silence, but surprisingly enough the warm smiles that they were both wearing made this silence comfortable. Marie decided to speak. Robert decided to speak.
"I...," They both said in synchronization. They both stopped and waited for the other to finish what they were saying. I love you, she thought.
"Uh..." Robert began. I love you, he thought, "I uh... was just going to say that...I should go."
"Oh, me too," She said looking down at the ground. She was sure that she had been kicked in the chest because she had issues breathing.
Robert was beating himself up inside wondering why he hadn't just said it.
When Marie got home she when straight to her room. A shower of tears escaped her blue eyes. She tried to muffle her sobs so that her parents wouldn't hear. She didn't know what was wrong with her. She didn't want to know. All that Marie wanted was Robert.
When Robert got home he sat on the old sofa in his room. His eyebrows pushed together forming and angry look on his face. It was self inflicted anger. He wanted to tell Marie what he was really going to say, but he was sure that she felt otherwise. All that Robert needed was Marie.
Trina.
Trina.
Trina.
TRINA!
XD




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 203
oooh nice very nice after this post I want to be your bff lol, I like this I can't wait for more!!!
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3214
Reviews 137
Katrina! I have a present for youuuu!

A review! Happy Christmas. :P

"I am going to go for a walk," Is what Marie told her parents


Lowercase I on "is".

Something inside fluttered like the light wings of a butterfly.


'Tis a bit of a cliche` simile. Perhaps find another way to describe this feeling?

"Hey, Marie." a familiar voice greeted.


Should look like: "Hey, Marie," a familiar voice greeted.

Marie decided to speak. Robert decided to speak.


That disrupts the flow of the passage; it's a bit awkward sounding. Perhaps try: Both Marie and Robert decided to speak right at the same time or something.

Anyhow, this story is adorable. I like that there's no real plot, climax, resolution and all tha junk, but instead shows a small moment in both Robert and Marie's lives. It was simple and straight to the point. Incredibly sweet and believable. I think any teen could relate to this, which is always nice. You understand the emotions on both sides (though I think you need to flesh out Robert's character a bit more), and it's all understandable. Gold star! :D

-Holly
eviscerate your fragile frame
spill it out in ragged form
a thousand different versions of yourself.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2016
Reviews 81
I really like this story, it is really cute. At the same time, though, it's really sad. I can't say whether you meant it to or not, but this story says alot about fear, and the consequences that are often brought about when people give in to their fears. It also says a bit about honesty, the way I see it. Anyways, those are just two little things that I noticed about the story. It's not just a meaningless romance. I like it that way. Nice job with this, anyway. Keep it up.
"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody." ~ the catcher in the rye




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1355
Reviews 197
Well done for this piece...Bittersweet picked up on all the problems I noticed in terms of grammar and whatnot so all that it is left for me to do is make more of a general comment.

It's very real, it's very "young love" and it's very honest. I feel you could expand on this so much more in terms of descriptions of scenery and emotions so the reader really could build a relationship with the characters. Especially since it's non-fiction....you obviously know more than you're letting on. Complete honesty and more descriptions will really make this piece something special!
Olivia
xxx
If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 250
this was very cute and very "young love". i like young love.


posted another piece soon.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion



This looks like a really bad episode of Green Acres.
— David Letterman