Fifteen years too long

Fifteen Years Too Long


I want to be in Texas, where the sun will always shine
To hear a thousand crickets sing and see the stars at night.
I want to buy a brown-white paint, that I can say is mine
And ride her after darkness falls, the moon our only light.

I want to walk away from here, and ditch this sorry life
To keep on walking westward, never stopping to think twice.
I want to leave these things behind, my street, my fear, my knife
And if I had some dough I'd sure as hell pay any price.

I want to bring my sisters to that place where sunsets live
And watch their eyes get wide each time the sky is set on fire.
I want them all to know there's so much more that life can give
To learn to love to be alive, and never ever tire.

I want to know where God is, cause I'm not so sure he's here
To know that he is listening to my questions and my prayers.
I want to hear him say my name, and wipe away my tears
But God does not say anything: I guess he doesn't care.

Well i really like this
I like the subject and the way it talks about the wishesm of the future.
keep up the good work= ]

xx

Thank you for the feedback, i really appreciate it.

This is really nice =] the whistful feeling of the poem is so sad, it made me feel something. The desire to get away from the city, it's spoken well but simply, as a sort of simple city person would, just wanting to get away from the frightening, darker aspects of city live into a more peaceful place.

I like this a lot =D

I didn't really understand the meaning of the word "paint" in the first stanza, but that could just be sort of lingo I don't know!

Your rhymes are all quite nice and natural, the only one that stood out to me was "tire" which was sort of clunky (but just a bit).

Really nice =]

Thank's so much for the review...a paint just means a kind of horse, that's what i was talking about. And I know, I never really liked that last line with "tire", but you know how it is...i didn't have anything else to say that rhymed with "fire". THanks again!

This is really a great poem. You have incredible technique - rhyme, rhythm, stuff like that. There are a few things I can confused on, though. At the end, you sort of change your message from "I want to go to Texas" to "I think God isn't listening to me." If this was broken up into two different poems, you would be golden. Also, I don't understand the title.

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I realize that my title isn't very self-explanatory, so I guess I kind of wrote it for myself. The idea is that this poem is written by a fifteen year old kid who hates living in the city, and wants to get out and go to texas. It's kind of a true story, too, so I guess I included his thoughts on God just because it was part of the kid I knew, and it seemed like a pretty important part. I mean, this kid hates his life, and has no hope for anything better. I guess that's just what I was thinking. But thanks for pointing those things out. I appreciate it.

I want to bring my sisters to that place where sunsets live

And watch their eyes get wide each time the sky is set on fire.

I want them all to know there's so much more that life can give

To learn to love to be alive, and never ever tire.



I want to know where God is, cause I'm not so sure he's here

To know that he is listening to my questions and my prayers.

I want to hear him say my name, and wipe away my tears

But God does not say anything: I guess he doesn't care.


Might actually be my favourite eight lines, in like, the world. I am literally IN LOVE with your poems.

Amazing, Amazing, AMAZING!! Like, I want to frame this and hang it up in my room. Sorry, I have no constructive criticism, lilchoma, but quite frankly I don't care. I love your poetry ardently!