Numb

Hello brokenwings. Overall, it's a good start to a poem, but there are somethings you might want to change.

I have no heart, I’ve lost my mind
I have no feelings deep inside.
I hide my face, beneath my hair
You can laugh and you can stare.
I am numb to your presence.

Unfortunately, I find this opening horribly cliche. The overused "no heart" and "lost mind" tell me two things. 1. that there's not a whole lot of originality, or, what I think is the truth 2. you are a young writer who doesn't know how to break away from cliche.

So, first thing I'd do is get rid of all those "I"s. Tell me something from a different persceptive. Give it some imagery and less of "I have".

The scrapes and scars upon my face
Can never ever be erased
I lost so horribly at your game
And now I shield my face in shame.
I hope it’s what you wanted.

this is my favorite stanza and I'll tell you why. The first sentence is imagery and the second line adds meaning to said imagery. The third line is full of bitterness and really reveals the tone of the work. The fourth line repeats everything that has been said already and the last line is a nice clincher.

The other stanzas need the same work as the first one does. I'd also find some alternatives for the word "numb". You need it and use it alot, but numb is a common word and kinda weak. I'm sure you can find some others ways to express the numbness.

So, I think that if you make the whole poem more like the second stanza that this could be a nice piece. The message is there, but, like everything else, it's already been told by someone else. Writers need to find new or interesting ways to say the same old things. It's hard, but I think you can do it. Good luck.

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources