The Jane Effect Part 6

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The Jane Effect
By Angel of Death


Part 6: An equal balance of two worlds.

The carriage was only used on special occasions. Which meant, Patch, the Greenly family's old horse, spent his life in leisure. Now, at the reigns of Mr. Greenly, he looked beyond years with his shaggy brown fur and his glassy black eyes. By the way he stood, on his wobbly four legs, he looked worn out.
Smiles wide on their faces, Mrs. Greenly and Maxine climbed into the carriage, with Daniel and Elizabeth trailing behind. Once everyone was settled into a seat, the carriage began trotting along the dirt road. Patch neighed in the misty air, unwillingly moving through the coming night.
"Daniel, where exactly is this ball?" Maxine asked, softly.
"Only father knows, and I'd like to keep it that way," Daniel replied, smiling.
Elizabeth heard her mother's sudden intake of breath. The suspense was killing her inside and out. Knowing her mother for quite some time, Elizabeth knew she hoped that the family was of acceptable rank and that they were as grand as Daniel painted them to be.
The sun was now sinking into the clouds, giving birth to different cadences of blue. Elizabeth watched as the day met the night, greeting each other with such polite smiles. In her hands, the jewels on her mask glittered, setting the walls of the carriage on fire.
"Elizabeth, darling, I forgot to ask you, but where on Earth did you merit such a beautiful dress?" Mrs. Greenly asked, touching Elizabeth's knee.
Elizabeth smiled primly to herself. It was much like her mother to get so caught up in the moment that she wouldn't be able to pay any attention to her.
"William," she retorted, flatly.
"My, he is going to make an amiable husband for you. If you ask me, I think it is about time you've settled down. Oh, the honor you'll bring to this family," Mrs. Greenly exclaimed, leaning over and kissing Elizabeth on her forehead.
The kiss stung like a bee's stinger piercing your skin. Tears welled up in Elizabeth's eyes. She knew that marrying William was so that she could be well off but the fact that her own mother would disclose her happiness for honor was despicable.
"So my happiness means nothing to you," Elizabeth stated, wiping away the silent tears.
Awe spread across Mrs. Greenly's face. She never thought she could ever do such a thing. Elizabeth could tell that she was a blindfolded member of the game that she faithfully played.
"Lizzie, of course I care that you are happy. Why else would I go through such measures in finding you the perfect husband? Please dear, stop with the nonsensical acquisitions," Mrs. Greenly replied, frowning.
"I have every right to accuse you of being an oppressor to the very things that makes me happy," Elizabeth countered, angrily.
The carriage pulled to a dead halt. Eyes burning with anger, Elizabeth glanced out the window to find that they were in front of the Garrison's manor at the bottom of the hill. It was large, covering almost twenty acres of land. The pillars were white and bordering the house's grounds were plants of countless variety. Butterflies twirled in the fading sun, disappearing as the stars began to consume the clouds. Crickets murmured in the lake, which shimmered in the moon's shadow.
Mr. Greenly hopped off of the front of the carriage, circled around to the side and opened the door. Elizabeth, steaming with fury, pushed her way out first. Mr. Greenly took her hand and helped her land on the cobblestoned path.
Up ahead, the mansion sat, lit by yellow lights that danced inside. Through the curtains that were open, Elizabeth could see that people were already dancing. Masks floated in the music, veiling the faces of so many unfamiliar people. Elizabeth put her own mask on, and waltzed up the path, towards the house. Daniel appeared beside her, mocking her angry pace.
"Beth, you can not go in there as ruffled as you are. Please, for me, smile. I promise you, that mother's ways will not perturb you any longer," Daniel said, stepping in Elizabeth's way.
"How can you assure that? I've been prey to her needs and her ideal ways of living my entire life. She doesn't love me like she loves Maxine. Daniel, I..." Elizabeth snapped, tears rolling down her cheeks.
Daniel took his sister into his arms, and held her until the quiet sobs died. Elizabeth erected her posture, then smiled lightly at her brother. She was happy she had someone like Daniel in her life. Without him, she probably would be in worse shape.
"May I have the honor of having your first dance, milady?" Daniel asked, holding back a grin.
"Yes you may, kind sir," Elizabeth replied, laughing.
Elizabeth took her brother's hand once more and let him lead her up the steps into the manor. It was amazing. The steps were embroidered with magnificent lights and people with the most exquisite dresses and suits danced to the sounds of a quartet of violins. A woman was greeting everyone as they came through the door. Daniel pulled Elizabeth towards her, and then bowed his head.
"Lady Cassandra, you remember me, Daniel Greenly, from town earlier today," Daniel said, removing his mask.
The woman was quite young, she looked to be in her late twenties. Her raven hair was plaited into a unique style which was pinned by emerald berets. Behind her beautiful green mask, two brown eyes sat. When she curtsied, her dress fell around her in a complete circle. Elizabeth had only seen these kind of dresses on the women in London.
"Yes, I could never forget an agreeable man such as yourself," Lady Cassandra replied,"Tell me, who is the young woman you have before me?"
"Oh, this is my little sister, Elizabeth," Daniel retorted, smiling.
Without warning, Lady Cassandra placed her hands on either side of Elizabeth's face. Her fingers were warm, as if they sat by a fireplace for all their life. Elizabeth closed her eyes, as she felt her mask being lifted from her face. When she opened them, Lady Cassandra was staring at her.
"My, you are absolutely beautiful," Lady Cassandra exclaimed, softly.
"Thank you, your ladyship," Elizabeth said, blushing profusely.
"Oh and the color to her cheeks is exquisite. You must, before you leave, have my brother paint you a portrait," she continued.
"Yes, milady." Elizabeth retorted, curtsying.
"Please, call me Cassandra. It was a pleasure meeting you," Elizabeth watched as Lady Cassandra disappeared into the forming crowd. It seemed as if everyone from Pennington was there. The Becketts and the Petersons were there, mingling with a handsome group of people. Hatty Beckett, Judge Timothy's eldest daughter was innocently flirting with a man with short curly black hair and deep brown eyes. He seemed to be polite, but as Hatty continuously batted her eyelashes and laughed coyly, Elizabeth could tell that he wasn't quite enjoying himself. His mask twitched as he nodded, and bowed his head. The mask was identical to Daniel's. If Elizabeth wasn't mistaken, this was one of the mysterious members of the highly agreeable Garrison family.
"That is Andrew Garrison, Lady Cassandra's brother. Shall I introduce you to him?" Before Elizabeth could answer, Daniel took her hand and led her through the flock of characters. There were millions of beautifully designed masks. Some looked like they were hand crafted in places like Paris or Singapore. As her eyes met the unfamiliar faces of all of the exquisitely dressed strangers, Elizabeth found that many were returning her gaze. Couples stopped dancing as she passed by, her hand tightly secured in Daniel's.
Embarrassed by all of the attention, she returned her focus on the path in front of her. They were almost inches away from Hatty and Andrew. When Hatty saw Elizabeth, her eyes became like moons. Wide and bright.
It wasn't often that you could find her and Elizabeth on a good note. Each time they passed each other in town, they'd look the other way. Growing up together, Hatty would sometimes proclaim that she would marry someone rich and handsome because she would be his equivalent. With her corn silk blond hair and plain features, no man would ever speak to her unless they were being polite.
"Elizabeth, you look lovely," Miss Beckett said, flatly.
"Why thank you," Elizabeth replied, smiling.
There was a moment of silence. Andrew was staring at her, his eyes twinkling like stars in the sky. The shade of his irises were both dark and light at the same time. An equal balance of two worlds. As Elizabeth stared back, she wanted so much to run away but she remained a victim to the beauty that stood before her.
"Andrew, this is my sister Elizabeth...Elizabeth this is..." Daniel started, gesturing between the two of them.
Andrew gently took her right hand and pressed it to his lips. It was a soft kiss but then again it was filled with a passion that could sail the seas on love alone. Enticed by the gesture, Elizabeth blinked profusely, trying to regain her train of thought.
"How...do you...do?" she stammered.
"I feel as if I've seen an Angel," he replied, releasing her hand.
Realizing that she didn't have her mask, her cheeks flushed yet again.
"Yes, she is quite a delicate creature. Too bad she's been coveted by Mr. Harvey," Hatty chimed up, smiling sheepishly.
"Oh, I am sorry...I meant that you'd be a great model for a painting. If you don't mind, Mrs. Harvey," Andrew said, stepping back.
Anger surged through Elizabeth's veins. If she could, she'd drop Hatty and her mother into an ocean. Although it was probably known to everyone around Pennington that she was promised to Mr. William Harvey, Elizabeth often felt that the secret they shared would excuse her moment of pleasure when Andrew took her hand into his. She was very much attracted to him, and the thought of having her portrait painted by him was flattering.
"Actually, Lady Cassandra advised that you should paint my portrait," Elizabeth said, softly.
"So is that a yes then?" Andrew asked, his face lighting up.
"Yes, I believe it is." she replied, nodding. And at that moment everything seemed to have been going the way Elizabeth wanted for once in her life.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Wow! Okay, it took forever but I just finished reading all 6 chapters, and may I say, it was worth it!

All right, first with the insane complements:

I loved reading this! The way you described everything was fantastic, your imagery was simply amazing!
Your characters themselves are interesting people and they do both what I expect and then sometimes go off in a completely different direction. I like your MC a lot, she is both strong of mind and will. People around her might not say she is pretty but in my head she quite beautiful.
Harvey on the other hand seems to be playing 2 roles. When we first meet him he seems very charming and straightforward and then later he changes yet again. Maybe I can figure him out as the story progresses.
Your story line so far is excellent. It reminds me of Jane Austen(that is your intent, no?) and is completely your own. I LOVE it!!!!

Critics:
I only found on thing that bothered me, in chapter 5 when the sisters are talking one of them says "vice versa" I just don't think they said things like that in the 18th century. You are the writer so I'll let you make the call but that just ruined the reading a little bit for me. Other then that just a few grammar mistakes that you fix with a careful read through.

Well, that's all from me. This is honestly a GREAT story and I can not wait to continue. I am more into this then the current novel I am reading...
So get to it! I can't wait for more posts! Good luck (not that you need it, your writing is phenomenal) and happy writing!
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea




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Oh Wow!! Thank you so much for the advice and the compliments. It really made my day!! Yeah, some of the things that are said don't seem 18th century-ish but don't worry I'll fix that. I love Jane Austen!! I've only read Pride and Prejudice but I'm looking forward to reading Northanger Abbey soon, but yes she was my inspiration. I'll keep you posted and as soon as I finish the next part (its in working progress,) I'll be sure to PM you.
Your critique was much appreciated
Thanks again
-Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Angel, Angel, Angel. You're work is so good that I just can't put down the mouse! I should be sleeping at the present time...but I think I have time to read one more chapter :wink: hehe

Comments in bold, corrections in red.


The Jane Effect

By Angel of Death



Part 6: An equal balance of two worlds.


The carriage was only used on special occasions. Which meant, Patch, the Greenly family's old horse, spent his life in leisure. Now, at the reigns of Mr. Greenly, he looked beyond years with his shaggy brown fur and his glassy black eyes. By the way he stood, on his wobbly four legs, he looked worn out. Oddly worded sentence. I'd advise a rewrite of this last one.

Smiles wide on their faces, Mrs. Greenly and Maxine climbed into the carriage, with Daniel and Elizabeth trailing behind. Once everyone was settled into a seat, the carriage began trotting along the dirt road. Patch neighed in the misty air, unwillingly moving through the coming night.

"Daniel, where exactly is this ball?" Maxine asked, softly.

"Only father knows, and I'd like to keep it that way," Daniel replied, smiling.

Elizabeth heard her mother's sudden intake of breath. The suspense was killing her inside and out. Inside and out? That's stange wording there...Maybe it's just me...but you might need to either reword or expand. [s]Knowing her mother for quite some time,[/s] Elizabeth knew she hoped that the family was of acceptable rank and that they were as grand as Daniel painted them to be. Well, yes, that part isn't needed for we know that Elizabeth is Mrs. Greenly's daughter so they have known each other since birth :wink: hehe. Just start it with "Elizabeth knew".

The sun was now sinking into the clouds, giving birth to different cadences of blue. Elizabeth watched as the day met the night, greeting each other with such polite smiles. In her hands, the jewels on her mask glittered, setting the walls of the carriage on fire.

"Elizabeth, darling, I forgot to ask you, but where on Earth did you merit such a beautiful dress?" Mrs. Greenly asked, touching Elizabeth's knee.

Elizabeth smiled primly to herself. It was much like her mother to get so caught up in the moment that she wouldn't be able to pay any attention to her.

"William," she retorted, flatly.

"My, he is going to make an amiable husband for you. If you ask me, I think it is about time you've settled down. Oh, the honor you'll bring to this family," Mrs. Greenly exclaimed, leaning over and kissing Elizabeth on her forehead.

The kiss stung like a bee's stinger piercing your skin. Tears welled up in Elizabeth's eyes. She knew that marrying William was so that she could be well off but the fact that her own mother would disclose her happiness for honor was despicable. I thought she wanted to bring honor to her family? My advise, so the reader understands better, is to go into more detail about Eliza's feelings here.

"So my happiness means nothing to you," Elizabeth stated, wiping away the silent tears.

Awe spread across Mrs. Greenly's face. She never thought she could ever do such a thing. Elizabeth could tell that she was a blindfolded member of the game that she faithfully played.

"Lizzie, of course I care that you are happy. Why else would I go through such measures in finding you the perfect husband? Please dear, stop with the nonsensical acquisitions," Mrs. Greenly replied, frowning.

"I have every right to accuse you of being an oppressor to the very things that makes me happy," Elizabeth countered, angrily.

The carriage pulled to a dead halt. Eyes burning with anger, Elizabeth glanced out the window to find that they were in front of the Garrison's manor at the bottom of the hill. It was large, covering almost twenty acres of land. The pillars were white and bordering the house's grounds were plants of countless variety. Butterflies twirled in the fading sun, disappearing as the stars began to consume the clouds. Crickets murmured in the lake, which shimmered in the moon's shadow.

Mr. Greenly hopped off of the front of the carriage, circled around to the side and opened the door. Elizabeth, steaming with fury, pushed her way out first. Mr. Greenly took her hand and helped her land on the cobblestoned path.

Up ahead, the mansion sat, lit by yellow lights that danced inside. Through the curtains that were open, Elizabeth could see that people were already dancing. Masks floated in the music, veiling the faces of so many unfamiliar people. Elizabeth put her own mask on, and waltzed up the path, towards the house. I thought she had her mask on already...? Daniel appeared beside her, mocking her angry pace.

"Beth, you can not go in there as ruffled as you are. Please, for me, smile. I promise you, that mother's ways will not perturb you any longer," Daniel said, stepping in Elizabeth's way.

"How can you assure that? I've been prey to her needs and her ideal ways of living my entire life. She doesn't love me like she loves Maxine. Daniel, I..." Elizabeth snapped, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Daniel took his sister into his arms, and held her until the quiet sobs died. Elizabeth erected her posture, then smiled lightly at her brother. She was happy she had someone like Daniel in her life. Without him, she probably would be in worse shape.

"May I have the honor of having your first dance, milady?" Daniel asked, holding back a grin.

"Yes you may, kind sir," Elizabeth replied, laughing.

Elizabeth took her brother's hand once more and let him lead her up the steps into the manor. It was amazing. The steps were embroidered with magnificent lights and people with the most exquisite dresses and suits danced to the sounds of a quartet of violins. A woman was greeting everyone as they came through the door. Daniel pulled Elizabeth towards her, and then bowed his head.

"Lady Cassandra, you remember me, Daniel Greenly, from town earlier today," Daniel said, removing his mask.

The woman was quite young, she looked to be in her late twenties. Her raven hair was plaited into a unique style which was pinned by emerald berets. Behind her beautiful green mask, two brown eyes sat. When she curtsied, her dress fell around her in a complete circle. Elizabeth had only seen these kind of dresses on the women in London.

"Yes, I could never forget an agreeable man such as yourself," Lady Cassandra replied,"Tell me, who is the young woman you have before me?"

"Oh, this is my little sister, Elizabeth," Daniel retorted, smiling.

Without warning, Lady Cassandra placed her hands on either side of Elizabeth's face. Her fingers were warm, as if they sat by a fireplace for all their life. Elizabeth closed her eyes, as she felt her mask being lifted from her face. When she opened them, Lady Cassandra was staring at her.

"My, you are absolutely beautiful," Lady Cassandra exclaimed, softly.

"Thank you, your ladyship," Elizabeth said, blushing profusely.

"Oh and the color to her cheeks is exquisite. You must, before you leave, have my brother paint you a portrait," she continued.

"Yes, milady." Elizabeth retorted, curtsying.

"Please, call me Cassandra. It was a pleasure meeting you," Elizabeth watched as Lady Cassandra disappeared into the forming crowd. It seemed as if everyone from Pennington was there. The Becketts and the Petersons were there, mingling with a handsome group of people. Hatty Beckett, Judge Timothy's eldest daughter was innocently flirting with a man with short curly black hair and deep brown eyes. He seemed to be polite, but as Hatty continuously batted her eyelashes and laughed coyly, Elizabeth could tell that he wasn't quite enjoying himself. His mask twitched as he nodded, and bowed his head. The mask was identical to Daniel's. If Elizabeth wasn't mistaken, this was one of the mysterious members of the highly agreeable Garrison family.

"That is Andrew Garrison, Lady Cassandra's brother. Shall I introduce you to him?" Before Elizabeth could answer, Daniel took her hand and led her through the flock of characters. There were millions of beautifully designed masks. Some looked like they were hand crafted in places like Paris or Singapore. As her eyes met the unfamiliar faces of all of the exquisitely dressed strangers, Elizabeth found that many were returning her gaze. Couples stopped dancing as she passed by, her hand tightly secured in Daniel's.

Embarrassed by all of the attention, she returned her focus on the path in front of her. They were almost inches away from Hatty and Andrew. When Hatty saw Elizabeth, her eyes became like moons. Wide and bright.

It wasn't often that you could find her and Elizabeth on a good note. Each time they passed each other in town, they'd look the other way. Growing up together, Hatty would sometimes proclaim that she would marry someone rich and handsome because she would be his equivalent. With her corn silk blond hair and plain features, no man would ever speak to her unless they were being polite.

"Elizabeth, you look lovely," Miss Beckett said, flatly.

"Why thank you," Elizabeth replied, smiling.

There was a moment of silence. Andrew was staring at her, his eyes twinkling like stars in the sky. The shade of his irises were both dark and light at the same time. An equal balance of two worlds. As Elizabeth stared back, she wanted so much to run away but she remained a victim to the beauty that stood before her.

"Andrew, this is my sister Elizabeth...Elizabeth this is..." Daniel started, gesturing between the two of them.

Andrew gently took her right hand and pressed it to his lips. It was a soft kiss but then again it was filled with a passion that could sail the seas on love alone. Enticed by the gesture, Elizabeth blinked profusely, trying to regain her train of thought.

"How...do you...do?" she stammered.

"I feel as if I've seen an Angel," he replied, releasing her hand.

Realizing that she didn't have her mask, her cheeks flushed yet again.

"Yes, she is quite a delicate creature. Too bad she's been coveted by Mr. Harvey," Hatty chimed up, smiling sheepishly.

"Oh, I am sorry...I meant that you'd be a great model for a painting. If you don't mind, Mrs. Harvey," Andrew said, stepping back.

Anger surged through Elizabeth's veins. If she could, she'd drop Hatty and her mother into an ocean. That doesn't seem to violent...:wink: Although it was probably known to everyone around Pennington that she was promised to Mr. William Harvey, Elizabeth often felt that the secret they shared would excuse her moment of pleasure when Andrew took her hand into his. She was very much attracted to him, and the thought of having her portrait painted by him was flattering.

"Actually, Lady Cassandra advised that you should paint my portrait," Elizabeth said, softly.

"So is that a yes then?" Andrew asked, his face lighting up.

"Yes, I believe it is." she replied, nodding. And at that moment everything seemed to have been going the way Elizabeth wanted for once in her life.

That's so cute. Andrew sounds like a doll, and Eliza is finally being noticed for the beautiful person she is.

Such a wonderful story, Angel!

Keep up the good work!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Part 6: An equal balance of two worlds.

Yes, I'm back with my quotes!! Here I go...

The carriage was only used on special occasions. Which meant, Patch, the Greenly family's old horse, spent his life in leisure. Now, at the reigns of Mr. Greenly, he looked beyond years with his shaggy brown fur and his glassy black eyes. By the way he stood, on his wobbly four legs, he looked worn out.

Patch. I can picture that for a dog's name, but for a horse. I would have never known. Great job, with the name, Angel!

"Daniel, where exactly is this ball?" Maxine asked, softly.

Yeah, I do like to know where's the ball taking place at. Hmmm.

"May I have the honor of having your first dance, milady?" Daniel asked, holding back a grin.
"Yes you may, kind sir," Elizabeth replied, laughing.

Awww, how cute. I wish I had a older brother like Daniel. But then, I only have sisters.

The woman was quite young, she looked to be in her late twenties. Her raven hair was plaited into a unique style which was pinned by emerald berets. Behind her beautiful green mask, two brown eyes sat. When she curtsied, her dress fell around her in a complete circle. Elizabeth had only seen these kind of dresses on the women in London.

Wow, wonderful descriptions, Angel. I wish I had a dress like those of the fashionable ladies of London.

"Please, call me Cassandra. It was a pleasure meeting you," Elizabeth watched as Lady Cassandra disappeared into the forming crowd.

I like that name. Cassandra. *ponders upon the name*

Angel-
So let me ask, is it Hatty or Daniel that's painting Lizzie? Because I couldn't figure that one out. And if it's Daniel, then I had no idea that he could paint.
Enough with my ramblings...off to seven.
-Merry
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<




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Ah, here again. I'm not up to doing a line by line critique,because my fingers are numb, and anyway, this looks to have all the nit-picks smoothed out, so far.

This is definately my favourite chapter so far! I'm finally seeing that wonderful spark from you; it's flowing very well and was one of the best ball scenes I've seen written. Trust me, ball scenes are really hard to make un-cliched as they've been done over and over, with the encounters, the dances, the uncomfortable conversations. But I think you've done a really good job of making this original to your characters. Just work on making sure it's authentic to the 18 century, because sometimes their conversation isn't completely accurate.

Another thing: I think it's time to introduce some conflict into your story. Conflict is the key to writing a good story because without it, you will not have a novel of which I will want to keep reading. I know you have something going in the works, but you need to hurry up with its developement slightly. I like the whole deal with her getting married to a husband who will never love her: so work on that, make it more apparent in the plot, weave it into Elizabeth's every day life. You can show her feelings through monologues, thought chains, or through other character's musings - just like you did through Emily, in the first chapter.

Um, I saw no apostrophe mistakes in this chapter, so you don't have to worry about that much more. If you have another problem with where and where not to place your apostrophes, then just refer back to my critique on Chapter Four of your story, or to that article on it by Professor Rabbit that I recommended.

This story seems to be coming along nicely, I'll be reviewing in the near future.

Good luck!

-Sarah
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.



Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness.
— Lemony Snicket