Young Writers Society

Moonlight on the pond
Fish breaks through the flat surface
A fly is dinner



trying to capure one moment in time....your thoughts would be welcome!

Ooh, haikus are difficult. The first line is good. The second line, well it depends if you're talking about one fish or two. You say fish breaks, which sounds like one fish, but because you don't say "A fish breaks", it doesn't make much sense, and I know you can't put A because of the structure of the poem, so maybe you should make it plural and take the s off the end of breaks. The last line is okay, but it's a bit abrupt. I would just suggest rewording it slightly, like, maybe suggesting that a fly is dinner but not actually saying it, but hinting that there was a fly going past and now it isn't. Very hard to do in only five syllables, I know! Good job, anyways.

hey, that's great! Very Japanese. I do think that you should put fish break instead of fish breaks, but it depends; i don't know anything about haikus! I really like it though. It's very easy to read and whimsical. Makes me want to write haikus.

Thankyou for your review earlier, by the way. How are you liking the site?
see you tomorrow (school. yucky)
from charlie. x

Thanks guys!! Very good to hear from people who're viewing it fresh if you know what I mean. Will mull over the suggestions for a while if that's ok!
Love this place by the way Charlie.

i really liked this evie
it was sweet and cleverly done i must say!
i personally cannot write anything of the sort as haikus are very difficult . OR ARE THEY? you have proved that wrong cos this is brill! te he
i read it many times cos i loved it so much
keep writing!
would be interesting to see some more of your work on here too!
bisquit who you know as Becky
xx

Hey,
I love haiku's so I had to comment. Well done it's not always easy to write haikus. Very effective although I'm not so sure about the last line. Like someone else said, very Japanese. Also very poetic.
Well done.
Keep writing.
C.C