Memories

Memories

Memories are the clouds
I tried to hold on to
As I fell through the sky

Memories are the ice cubes
I tried to stop melting
In the middle of July

Memories are the darkness
That cloud the sky each day
That eclipse the smiling sun

Memories are the tablets
In the kitchen drawer
That I never took.

Memories are the last dance
At the school disco
While I stood, watching

Memories are the car crash
That struck fear into our hearts
And stopped us driving

Memories are the woollen scarf
That I forgot that day in haste
And the snow stung my bare neck.

Memories are those extra five minutes
On the home computer
When I should be doing homework

Memories are the way I felt
When you came up behind me
And put your arms around me

Memories are what I had
What the two of us had
And what will never leave me

I wish they would.

Sarah
xxx

Hi. I'm not really good at reviewing poems but I saw this one yesterday and wanted to review it.

Memories are the clouds
I tried to hold on to
As I fell through the sky

I don't really understand the "fell to the sky part". I'm guessing it's a similie for "When I fell, I tried to hold onto our memories." or something like that?

That eclipse the smiling sun

I would separate these into two separate lines. Like:

That eclipse,
the smiling sun

Or something like that. I also wouldn't use That; you already use it in the line above it and it sounds repetitive.

Memories are the tablets
In the kitchen drawer
That I never took.

What do you mean by tablets? Pictures?

Memories are the car crash
That struck fear into our hearts
And stopped us driving

And stopped us from driving

Memories are the car crash
That struck fear into our hearts
And stopped us driving

To me, this just seems like it belongs more toward the end of the poem.


Overall, I liked the poem. It had good imagery and it was relatable.
Good job!

PM me for anything at all.
-alwaysawriter

"Fell through the sky" is describing a feeling of you having no control over your life and you try to grab onto what was

Tablets part refers to having a problem but not trying to solve it e.g I ahd some tablets but did not take them, therefore my problem was not solved

I liked it, anyway

I love the idea of this poem.
Though there wasnt much punctuation, Which I feel oucld add more to it, I love the depth of the whole idea.
The repetition worked really well and having the final line to contrast it really stood out and added to the poem.
I loved the stanza about the school disco, though I felt the one about cloudes darkening the sky seemed to lose rhythm and I had to rad it twice to fully understand it. It may have just been me but I didn't think it had the same feel as the rest of the poem.

In general, I really enjoyed this poem. It was really interesting and deep. Keep it up!

Oh, sorry. I'm a little slow.

thanks for the comments
S
xxx

Hey. Reviewing isn't my forté, but I read this and felt I had to. (It's pretty damn awesome)
Okay, here goes.

Memories are the clouds
I tried to hold on to
As I fell through the sky

I liked the way that you compared trying to hold on to things you cant with trying to catch a cloud. I think it paints a pretty picture.

Memories are the ice cubes
I tried to stop melting
In the middle of July

This one is my favorite.

Memories are the darkness
That cloud the sky each day
That eclipse the smiling sun

I suggest changing the 'that' in the last line to something like. . .

Memories are the darkness
That cloud the sky each day
Eclipsing the smiling sun

Memories are the tablets
In the kitchen drawer
That I never took.

I like 'pills' in place of 'tablets' here. I just feel that it clears it up a bit more.

Memories are what I had
What the two of us had
And what will never leave me

I wish they would.

I love the way you end this poem. I think it fits perfectly and it has a sort of sardonic twinge to it.

Over all, I actively enjoyed reading your poem. I love your style of writing. Good job.


-Lynne

I liked this. It is a nice poem, with a lot of good imagery and expressed in a unique way. The only thing I have to point out that you should add punctuation, which is what many forgot or don't want to do. It makes the poem flow better.

Overall, good work. I love your style, and I look forward to reading more of your work.

Good luck and keep writing!

Hey sarah,

I thought this was really pretty good. It's very stream of consciousness because of the imagery which is great. One thing I'd change though is the stanza:


"Memories are the darkness

That cloud the sky each day

That eclipse the smiling sun"



It seems almost too emotive in imagery for its current position. Obviously the imagery builds to tension in the poem (the tablets/ I never took) )and I wonder if you'd consider maybe ending the piece with this stanza rather than with your current ending. Or at least sharpen up your current ending... but still I really like this poem and if it were mine I'd end with that stanza- because not only does it give the feeling you already want from your ending ("eclipse the smiling sun" pretty much tells us that these memories are not exactly helping you) it also ties with the opening image of clouds.

Hope you consider this.

Cheers, Ben.

P.S if you'd like to return the favour, please take a look at my poem, Stains, just above yours in lyrical poetry.